The Big 2 Year Mark, and the 100th Post

Getting personal today, so if you don't want to feel any emotions, you might not want to read this blog entry.
Today is the two year mark since my divorce was official and I became a full-time single mom.  To say that my world was crushed would be sugar coating it a little.  I honestly wasn't sure that I wanted to keep going.  But God surrounded me with the very people I needed to keep moving one foot in front of another.  And He gave me these absolutely gorgeous girls to keep me trying.  They gave me the drive to grow and learn from the experience and to really look at myself and how I got into all this in the first place.
I owe God EVERYTHING!  He picked me up from my darkest place and showed me glimpses of the greatness of His love for me and the value that He has already put in me.  I want to share some of my journal entry from last night (which was a really long one for me, and I talk to God when I am journaling):

Most important, of all the days over the last two years, by far, would be that this drove me to You and to seek You out to try to discover who You are and what You want from me.  I have learned the importance of going to You first with every thing and that You desperately want relationship and communication with me.  That I can't put You in a box or try to pin You down with human characteristics, because You are not human.  That You have no problem providing for me.  That You will never leave me and that unlike the men I have let into my life before now, You will never choose to walk away or disappear.  I have learned that You are more than able to stand up to me, say no, and/or tell me that something is not what's best for me.  You have also told me-- "not yet", "save that for later", and "Becky, I want to bless your socks off with..."  You have truly become my Husband, Provider, and Best Friend.  You give meaning to my life and motivate me to get out of bed.  You are my hope and my inspiration.  My God.  The One who sees my potential and then helps me to reach for it.  Al the growth I have done over the last two years most definitely has Your hand in it.  You made sure I remained teachable and that the lessons were not wasted on me.

Looking back, partly because it helps me to move forward, reminds me of how much I truly have come through.  January 2010 was more than just the day the judge declared the marriage over.  It also was the month that the girls and I sold the home that held most of their growing up memories and moved into a two-bedroom townhouse.  We had so many friends come along side us and help us fix the house up according to the buyers list to-do list.  There were so many of my friends' husbands that the entire move took two hours.  I don't remember a whole lot of that month, because I bawled my way through most of it, but I remember that God had completely put me where I needed to be and surrounded me with people who prayed for me and carried me through that month.  And the day of, Jan 11, my dear friend Betsy had the most awkward seat in court...right in between us.  She was my rock that day...God used her to be His hands and feet.  And then when it was actually over, I remember sitting in LuAnn's living room listening to her and Betsy talk and feeling like I was looking in on the three of us from somewhere else...almost feeling like I wasn't really there and yet I was.

February was a crazy month for me.  I was reading every Christian book on recovering from divorce that I could get my hands on (there are way more choices now then there was even two years ago) and got a challenge from God that gave me a purpose for each day beyond being there for the girls.  Our first craft show ever was the next month and the goal in Feb was to make one bag a day while the girls were in school.  I ended up at the craft show in March with 40 bags, and an obvious showing of more support.  And life kept moving forward.

The rest of the time in that townhouse (which was only a total of 5 months) we had health issues and teeth issues and a scary trip to the ER that resulted in my getting the craziest cocktails of medicines to keep my airway open after an insane allergic-like reaction.  T's best friend's mom, Ms Trescha, was literally a lifesaver during that time.  She helped to keep life "normal", picked me up at two in the morning to rush me to the ER even though she couldn't understand a word I tried to say around my swollen tongue, and she was T's outlet to talk to about all that was going on around her.
We moved to KC to see if my rebound relationship might work, and to surround ourselves with my siblings.  The relationship may not have lasted, but there was definitely some healing found through the idea that I was love-able after all and not completely flawed.  The summer flew by with babysitting and unpacking and relearning where things were in KC.  We missed our JC friends and support team like crazy and floundered around quite a bit, but used Facebook as a way to keep in touch and reconnect with friends I was now free to have again.  School started up and the girls were doing amazing well.  H struggled most, and we went through separation anxiety again and again, and often her temper was beyond my capacity to handle.  I got to hear the first of many times of "I hate you" and we spent hours snuggling as that was the only thing that seemed to help.  And we just kept plugging along.

Fastforward to Jan 2011.  I was so excited to see what God might have for our future.  He filled me to overflowing with Hope and expectancy.  We were completely on our own again, no man to lean on, and I just started pulling ever closer to Him.  We changed churches and started going to Pleasant Valley.  Life seemed isolated and I floundered a bit trying to figure out what my purpose, beyond mommy, was.  There was so much drama going on on the other side, that I just tried to keep life low-key and sane for the girls.  We kept finding out more and more reasons for why God allowed the divorce and God kept having to carry me over the waves of emotions that threatened with each new fact that leaked out.  At one point we even had a scare where the girls' lives were threatened by an angry ex-girlfriend who knew where we lived because of drop-off days.  God, again, reminded us that our safety is in His hands.

In June, I finally listened to God (and the starving feeling inside me that longed to feel like I belonged somewhere) and went to my first singles class.  I love the way that God helped me walk through those doors that first day.  An old college friend, that I hadn't seen in 13+ years, "just happened" to be down the hall from where I was walking back and forth.  He "just happened" to know one of the leaders of the singles group and was willing to walk with me in the doors.  And I am so thankful that he was willing to help me take that step.  Because this group was exactly where I needed to be and they were starting a study that day on God's willingness to talk to us.  It literally changed my life and the way I look at things and brought me closer to God.  It also brought a feeling of fullness to my life by providing a community group for me that I could be real with and do things with...exactly what I was missing.  This is also the month that God made the way for me to go back to school.  Something I honestly did not think that I could do.  After years of being told in various ways that I was worth nothing, the idea of trying to go to school and be there for the girls seemed impossible.  But, with God, NOTHING is impossible and He has proved that over and over in my life.  I am in the middle of my sixth class, have my first ever 4.0 gpa, and am set to graduate Nov 5, 2012.

There are so many people that I need to mention that are a part of my right now, helping to meet the needs of my little family and supporting us.  My brother and his wife have given us so much support that it brings tears to my eyes thinking of all the times they were willing to carry my frustration and pain and help me with the girls, and showing the girls what a real, God-centered marriage looks like.  My parents have gone far out of their own comfort zone to be there for us.  Some of my friends from Northwest days have checked on us and given us encouragement (Jarusha, Heather, and others).  Friends from JC have continued to pray for us, and be there across the miles, much as they were when we lived there (Betsy, Christy, Cindy, LuAnn, Lydia, and many many more).  Moving to KC allowed me to renew my friendships with some wonderful ladies (Melody and Kari especially).  And my new small group has been a life saver in many ways through prayer support and life challenges (thank you Kelly!), friends willing to drop everything to see me through those tough days that pop up (Heather!), guys willing to invest in my daughters lives (John and others), and to accept me just as I am and want to be friends with me anyways (Stacey, Stacey, Angela, and so many others).  I know I am forgetting some, and I apologize, but God has surrounded me with so many people to help in so many ways.

God has even given me glimpses of "it's worth it in the long run" by allowing my pain/experience to help others and come alongside them.  I have been able to walk alongside a gorgeous mommy as she found out stuff that rocked her world and she has touched my life more than I feel like I have touched hers (Ms Erin).  I am so glad that God uses our pain, to help others and be able to honestly say "I know how you feel".
I truly wouldn't be the person I am today if it had not been for October 2009 through Jan 2010 when life as I knew it was shattered.  I was living as a shell of a person back then who no longer believed she had anything to contribute.  I was in an emotionally-abusive situation and hated the example of a woman that I was setting for my daughters.  I have by no means arrived, but I can now say that the examples they are seeing now, from me and those in my small group, and their aunts and uncles, and my parents, are much better for them.  

I am so proud of the ladies my girls are becoming.  We all have our moments where the emotions are more than any of us know how to deal with, but we are a team and we are working on growing and moving forward.  By the grace of God.

So, thank you.  I know I didn't get even half of y'all mentioned, but if you are reading this, you have been part of our journey.  And I thank you for it.  Thank you for allowing God to use you in our lives and help us to get this far and to keep going.  I love you for it!