Just Human

     So, its been a crazy week of fun, honor, pain, and painful lessons to learn.
     Started out by redeeming MLK day.  A year ago, that was the first day that I started hanging out with a great friend from my past and we started dating, only to have everything vanish four months later, never to hear from him again.  Rather than sitting around the house wondering what I could have done differently, the girls and I had a full day of roller skating and friends.  It was such a privilege to skate round and round and round holding the hand of each of my girls.  And the time with my sister as well.  One of the most fun days I have had in a really long time!  (of course, I also have a lot of bruising to prove how crowded the rink was, but I will get to that later.
     Tuesday morning I woke up in the best mood remembering my daughters' faces as we skated and the fun times/memories with friends and my sister.  Then I got an email that made my week.  I got an email invitation to be a member of the exclusive Golden Key International Honour Society, which is open only to the top 15% of the school.  It was a reminder of how hard I have been working and devoting myself to school, despite being teased about working harder than I need to, and also a reminder of all the work God is doing in me to make it where I can succeed despite everything else happening around me.  It was a big honor to get the invite and I am incredibly grateful for the recognition. 
     Then as I was writing notes for class this week, I began to notice that my right arm was not right.  I had one place that I kept having to move my sweatshirt cuff off of that was super sore, and my upper arm began to throb, and my hand began going numb.  I stopped taking notes, and I took a shower to see if it was just that I was taking notes.  And couldn't lift my arm above my head without wincing.  And couldn't put any weight or push off of the arm at all.  When skating on Monday, I had wiped out due to a little gal cutting straight in front of me, falling herself, and me landing on my right knee and arm, over her, trying not to land on her.  I spent the rest of the afternoon in the ER where they sent spasms up my arms manipulating it for x-rays, I couldn't make my arm do what they needed, so they did it for me.  And then was told that I had bruised two arm bones and needed to wear a sling for 3 days, and come back if it was still hurting in two weeks so they could re-x-ray to see if there was a stress fracture.  As most of you know, I am always doing something, and most of all that I do uses my right arm.  There was no sewing, journaling, typing, highlighting, etc, because the pain was just too intense.  I couldn't even pick up the new dog with my right arm and she had to learn to come over to the left side instead.  It was almost as tough on me emotionally as the pain.
     So, while emotional, I poured out my heart to God.  Because that is the number one lesson He has been working with me on over the last two years.  To come to Him.  This, as well as the first Boundaries class on Wednesday, combined for some crazy powerful lessons He is teaching my heart.  Number one, it is not my job to try to bring healing to others.  He is the great Healer, and I am just a human who messes things up and often gets in the way.  Number two, there are multiple reasons as for why He has asked me not to date until I finish my schooling.  (I have no clue what I need/want; I still have some crazy hangups from the way I was treated before; I struggle to keep emotions out of friendships; and then there is the just straight out obedience factor!)  Number three, He is my everything and without Him I am a mess.  He wants to breathe belief into me and heal me from my brokenness, and it takes time.  His timing is so much different then our own.  But He is more than willing to just keep helping me/us pick up the pieces and try again.
     You see, I am totally just human.  I screw up all the time.  (and He flat out reminds me that I am not a screw up or defined by my failures).  I am His daughter and He delights in me and in helping me.  I may let my imagination fly away from me, or forget to keep from having unrealistic expectations, or I might listen to suggestions from others that I shouldn't listen to.  But that doesn't mean that I don't care about the feelings of others.  It just means that I am not perfect, I will mess up, and I could potentially hurt someone when its the last thing that I would want to do.  I am learning that I am not responsible for the words/actions of others, but I am responsible for mine.  It is so hard for me to not want to help fix/heal the pain I see in those around me, but I am not the Great Healer...I am not God.  I am more than willing to come along side you and walk this path with you, but I should be pointing you to Him, not trying to fix it myself.
     I told you its been a week! 
     And there is still so much work that God wants to keep doing in me...to help me reach my God-given potential.  There is nothing like prayer and conversations with God.  Nothing.