questioning

Do you ever find yourself wanting to believe the best in someone just because everyone else is already assuming the opposite?  Do you ever wish with everything in you, that this time you are going to be the one right and everyone else is going to be wrong?  That the person you know them to be will shine through rather than the person they might be assumed to be?
I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense because there are no specifics...but surely there has been sometime in your life where you might have felt this way.
I have been wrestling with this this week.  And I have no answers.  I so much want things to work they way I think they should rather then the way it looks like it will go. 
And repeatedly, I have given it back to God only to jerk possession of it back again...and then to prayerfully, and sometimes tearfully, hand it back again.  I don't know what God has in this situation.  I know that He has used the preparation of getting accepted into college again and all the financial paperwork that goes with that, to sidetrack me from the other situation.  The two have warred for my attention this week.  But there is absolutely nothing I can do about the first struggle.  So it is easier to spend time prepping for college...and of course that is the exciting thing this week anyway. 
I have dreamed of finishing a degree ever since "settling" for my associates right after getting married...I went to one last semester of college as a newlywed, and it was the toughest of all the semesters put together.  And I walked for my associates with the glowing face of someone who just found out she was pregnant and entered into my stage of stay-at-home mom with no hesitation.  But always, in the back of my mind, I have wanted to go back to school.  I would see the courses for interior design, that promised you could get your degree in a year and be part of the creative world.  And reality would slam in that I had two toddlers and money was needed for diapers not a course.  I would think about all the money spent and how close I had been to finishing my teaching degree, before transferring schools again, and wonder if I had made the right choice...then look into the gorgeous eyes of my two baby girls and toss the idea aside.  And I couldn't for the life of me picture myself in the classroom every single day, trying to keep the 28 kids' attentions so that they could learn from me.  But yet, the itch to go back and finish was there...off an on throughout the entire time.  It just never seemed possible despite the fact it felt I had given up and not finished something that big.
And now...I am a single mom who is looking at how fast life is moving and the fact that my oldest will be a fifth grader next year and my youngest a third grader.  Time is flying.  I have just a limited time of their elementary school days to figure out what to do with my life.  And as I contemplated that I thought about all I had learned through this life change I didn't ask for but am trying to make the best of.  What can I do to help others and give back like God has so greatly blessed me and taken care of me in all this?  (without being in a classroom setting).  And Monday night, two words would not leave my head..."social work".  And as I began to explore the internet to see what schools near me might have a degree in social work I discovered that many people who work like that to help others have a degree in psychology.  And that that degree could be used to go into areas like child welfare or even adoption.  That spoke to my heart. 
So I sent out a single query...to Ashford University.  First thing the next morning, while finishing up my quiet time and spending over half my journal asking God if this might be the direction I had been praying for, I got a phone call from the school and "met" my admissions counselor.  And the ball just keeps rolling.  Everything seems to be falling into place.  They got clearance financially faster than normal...I start class on the 21st...which also seemed God's timing, because the girls will be at their dad's that whole first week...I can get back into homework a bit before they get home again.  Each class in 5 weeks long, so I will be a fifth of the way into my first class in their absence.
And they are excited...T especially.  She loves the idea that mom is going back to school and getting a degree.  They truly will be my biggest cheerleaders.  I am aware that this will not be easy. 
But feel as if God has been preparing me for a busier time...that He has helped me to cram as much learning of Him as possible in these last months to help carry me through a time where I won't get to spend as much time with Him as I have become used to.  Seems like life is a cycle like that for me.
And I am so excited to see what all He has for us in this.  He is moving, like always, and He has such a great plan for us...one that is so hard for me to comprehend and imagine.  But that I trust, none the less.  Now, to expectantly watch to see how He will work out paying for it!  He did that for me repeatedly in my Northwest days and I am excited to see how He will do it this time!  Love watching God at work, and remembering to be watchful!