I had to...

(picture I found yesterday while going through "oldies")

My mom was just telling me that one of the things she is proud of me for is my ability to overcome and forgive, rather than holding a grudge or becoming bitter.

But in all honesty, it truly feels like "I had to".

One of the first heartbroken prayers after finding out I was going to be another statistic, a single, divorced mom of two, was that God would keep me from becoming bitter.  From the very beginning, He worked hard with me to keep me forgiving, to process things through with Him as they happened so that I would not get stuck on them.  I had to.

Forgiveness, to me, doesn't really seem like a choice.  God forgave me before I even existed.  And He lives inside of me, so His forgiving powers are there for me...one of the resources He freely shares with me.  To not forgive those around me, accept them as fellow humans who sin and fall just like me, and to not have expectations of them that are way too high...seems like saying that He didn't do enough.  And I don't believe that.

If I want to be accepted for who I am...a woman trying to grow in Christ daily, to be content and thankful in all circumstances, who still messes up and falls flat on her face way too often sometimes, and who is learning to let God have full control (even/especially of her mouth), then I NEED to allow others to be themselves.

Does that mean I never get hurt by what others say or do?  NO!!!

What it does mean is that I will process through the hurt, with God and probably my two best friends, maybe even my mom...and I WILL forgive.  I will not hold it against you.  I may be a little weary of you for awhile, seeing if this is going to become a routine thing, or just a once in a blue moon thing.  But if things are awkward between us afterwards, its not because I am perpetuating it.  I have forgiven.  I have to.  I cannot live with myself when there are things that haven't been forgiven.  And with God's grace, I truly actively seek to forgive.  Some things are a little harder than others, but that just means God and I work harder on it.

Here's how I view it, perfectly summed up by one of my best friends yesterday after we talked through a situation that popped up yesterday: "We know our best friends better than anyone else... and we still love them."

When you are a people person, like myself, you learn to just accept people for who they are.  No expectations that they could never live up to.  Just love them anyways.  For me, this extends beyond just my best friends, (who I truly love despite their quirks and they extend that favor back to me) but also to my other friends and my family.  I know that I am going to occasionally mess up and do something hurtful, I am human.  But so are they.  I don't think any of us wake up in the morning and wonder whose feelings we could go stomp on today...we aren't geared that way.  So...back to the title...I had to.  Its not that I am some super hero whose super power is overcoming adversity and forgiving those who have wronged her.  I AM NOT!

What I am is a sinner saved by grace, whom God has shown amazing forgiveness to, who knows what it is like to hurt, and who would love it if she could remove the hurts of others.  But, since she has no super powers of her own, other than tapping into the amazing limitless resources of her Heavenly Father, she CHOOSES to forgive and move on.  Because she has to!