A different kind of quiet...

Okay...so still attempting to get used to the new normal.  And struggling a bit today with it.  I am sure that the grey overcast sky, among other things, is not really helping it out much.  But the thing that has been the hardest to get used to is the sudden silence.  Not silence as in noise, so much as the new level/lack of communication between me and the people I am/was closest to.  Because of my past, I probably will always struggle with the silent treatment.  But, I used to spend much of the day texting with my two best friends, as well as other friends.  It was always a welcome break to homework and welcome change to the sameness of my days.  But texting is almost non-existent right now...and I am not sure why.  I mean there are reasons that I do know, and I am trying to be understanding.  But for all texting to drop off?  I miss it.  The silly little things that we all used to randomly text during the day to make each other smile or laugh, or to start up a conversation.  The little random ways that we expressed appreciation to each other.  Even just venting a bit.  All of that was huge to me as an adult home all day doing homework, or being surrounded by children more than adults.  For it to go missing at the same time that I am trying to wrap my head and heart around all of this other stuff is really hard for me.  Especially when I had no say in any of this, and would have never dreamed it would ever happen, let alone be able to fathom all the fall out from it.
On top of all that, I am back to second-guessing myself, which prevents me from sending the first text every day, or reaching out for help, or even feeling as if I have a right to expect others to still be my friend.  Just being honest here...its been pretty difficult over the last few weeks knowing what to expect of others, and trying to figure out what is expected of me.  I literally have no clue.  So, I have been clinging to God and His promises for me, and holding tight to the idea that He will see me through this time too and has a great plan for my life.  I don't have what it takes right now to communicate what I "need" with those around me, because I already feel like they have had to deal with so much lately just because they are friends with me.  The girls and I have had so many people just up and disappear that it is hard for us to wrap our heads around the idea that not everyone leaves when times get hard...
All that to say this.  I am not enjoying this new kind of quiet.  I am not enjoying second-guessing myself at every turn and feeling as if I have moved backwards instead of forwards.  But then, again, God pops up the story of Joseph into my head.  He was made fun of and taunted, sold into slavery, accused of doing things to Potiphar's wife that he not only didn't do but removed himself from the situation, thrown into jail, and then became second in command to the highest authority in the land, right at the right moment, in order to be able to turn around and provide for the very family that started the snowball rolling in the first place.  He could have refused to help, or been bitter and unforgiving.  But no.  He made the comment that what man meant for harm, God used for good. 
I don't have a clue where all of this is leading to.  I just know that in the moment, right now, I have tears yet again, because none of this is easy or comfortable.  Everything has changed.  I don't know up from down or what roles in my life people are willing to play or will play.  I don't even know how all of this will get resolved.  And I am missing the easy friendships that I used to have with two key players in my life story.  But God can see the whole picture...He knows the process I need to go through in order to get to the place He wants me to be...and He knows exactly how much I need Him in order to make it through this.  Everyone else may walk away, but He never will.  He never changes.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow...making the way for me to keep following and walking with Him.  Every single step that I will take in faith.  He holds onto my hand, delights in me, and wants to walk all of this out with me.
So rather than sitting around whining about what doesn't exist right now in life...I need to be thankful for what I have, for the fact that I am still the daughter of the King (who greatly loves me and delights in me), to buckle down and work on homework, and to raise these two beautiful daughters of mine.  The rest of it will all figure itself out down the road, as God directs.