Over the last year and a half, as part of my new normal, I have been inhaling almost every Christian Non-Fiction book I could check out from the library...anything that would help me to grow and accept life as it was rather than moaning and groaning that life didn't turn out like I expected. I knew, without a doubt, that I did NOT want to be the typical ex-wife...bitter and angry all the time. In fact, as I stated in Divorce Care Class last night, my goal is to be the best Ex-Wife out there...within my ability and God's grace. All that to say, over the last 18 months I have devoured book after book after book and filled up multiple spirals with notes.
This month's books included the following titles:
Desire: The Journey We Must Take to Find the Life God Offers by John Eldridge (Ch 9 was my fav!)
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris (a re-read for me...read it in college...still just as powerful)
5 Little Questions: That Reveal the Life God Designed for You by Dannah Gresh
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not by Trish Ryan...great memoir about finding God and recovering from our own choices and consequences...highly recommend
A Maze of Grace by Trish Ryan...second book that follows up after the wedding... loved it!
And today I started Preparing to Be a Help Meet by Debi Pearl. Not that I am in any hurry to try marriage again...the opposite is true...but when/if the time comes...I want to be a lot more prepared to be the woman, wife, and mom that God knows I can be. (The main reason I am using this stage of my life to read and learn and grow...who knows if I will ever have this chance again!)
Here was a comment that grabbed my attention...a couple was sharing their very different way that they had gotten together...and it made me wonder what someone would learn about me by reading my blog.
"I searched the internet to find anything she might have written to anyone. I found her blog and read all her posts. If I had read flirty nonsense, or noted anything that lacked chastity in her manner, or seen pictures that alerted me to anything off color, I would have dismissed her." p32
This notation was made by another guy at the bottom of the page...
"The nature of someone's speech tells a lot about them and where their life is headed. There are distinct differences in the speech of a person who directs their life (proactive/wise) and someone who lets their life direct them (reactive/foolish). The reactive individual talks of wishes and hopes whereas a proactive individual talks of plans with definitive action. The reactive individual talks of people, things, gossip and 'tabloid' news whereas a proactive individual talks about concepts, opportunities and meaningful current events. The fool's speech consists of vain, babbling, flattering, and slander whereas the wise speak of righteousness, praise and wisdom... You cannot direct your life with words of nonsense and back-biting and expect a life of blessing and meaningfulness. What subjects fill your conversations?" p32
I have to say...this makes me think. What if the person God has for me was reading my blog to learn more about me? What would they learn? Do I use this platform to share my love and passion for my Savior and what He is doing in my life? Do my posts point to God and how He is redeeming my story? Or is it all just fluff...look at me and what I am doing to fill my days? I hope and pray that it is not something that would make someone feel sorry for my situation...because there is not anything there that someone should pity me for. I have struggles and fears and am even starting to have some hopes and dreams again. But I don't have anything that God didn't allow...and it has all done the one thing that is most important...brought me back to God and to a place of full reliance on Him. The place I probably should have been the whole time.
I no longer have the posts from my original blog...the posts where I grieved the loss of my marriage and the loss of my last grandparent. Where I shared from the deep places inside me and hopefully showed how God was healing and changing me for the better. And there was part of me, this go 'round, after having the last blog ripped apart, hacked into, and thrown back in my face so many times that I was hesitant to share anything real. But that changes now. I am not a girl of fluff! There are important things happening in my life that might make someone else's journey a little easier just in knowing they aren't alone. I am exploring and learning and growing...being stretched and molded into the person that God knows I can become. I am human...I screw up, sometimes royally...but I am trying.
Want to stay on this journey with me? Want to leave me a comment sharing your thoughts on my journey so far? Feel free! Without the friends God has blessed my life with, I wouldn't be anywhere near where I am right now...He has used them to help shape, mold, and correct me in such a loving manner (most times loving anyways!)
And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you. Philippians 1:6
Mar 30, 2011
Mar 24, 2011
Helpless but not hopeless
Have you ever had a "scare" where there was absolutely nothing you could do for your child other than just leave them in God's hands?
That's where we are right now. It could, and probably will, end up being absolutely nothing. But we were called back in for another blood test, three days after the one that was JUST checking for mono. My 8 year old has spent the last 20 days fighting off a cold virus, then Strep throat and Slapped Face Virus, and then another day of high temperatures. She has lost weight and slept tons extra. Until yesterday, I had not seen her playful side for 19 of those 20 days...which stunk. Her temper has been nasty and the screaming ear-splitting. But, its still my "baby". We have walked through so much together...her entire existence seems surrounded with trying to fight for an existence, fight to keep her trachea open when it wasn't fully developed til she reached 6 months old, fight off strep almost every winter 2-6 times each, break her arm in two places at four and then her wedding ring finger less then six months later, and then surgery to remove five teeth. We made it to 10 months strep free before last weeks diagnosis...and that is a record for her...one we celebrated. Now, her white blood cell counts are not what they are supposed to be and she has lost weight that her petite little frame didn't really have to wait. And the worst part...there is nothing I can do about it.
I like, appreciate, thrive, in DOING. Something, anything. To keep busy and side-tracked and feel like what I am doing will make the situation better or go away.
In this case...nothing. There isn't anything I can do to make it better or make it go away. I won't even know if her count is closer to normal until Sat or Mon. But let me tell you, when that phone call comes...there will be some crazy dancing going on!
Okay, so not entirely nothing. I can PRAY! I have been praying ever since the phone call. That this might just be a fluke and not another hard thing for this single mom to have to walk through. You see, I have HOPE. And that Hope is found in the Hope-Maker...God. He has a plan for all this. And He loves my daughter even more than I do. He has a plan for her life...He promises that for each of us in Jeremiah 29:11 and following. I don't have a clue what is coming...or if they all got worried for nothing or if we will find out the underlying problem to her years of an immune system that couldn't seem to keep her from getting sick and missing oh-so-many days of school. The hope that I have...regardless of what the test says...good or bad...He will be walking right there with us. He has already shown Himself to be so faithful lately...He carried us through some super dark days over the last year and a half. He has shown that He can take the ashes of what's left and turn it into beauty. He knows and cares about each of our todays and all of our tomorrows. He knows exactly what He is doing. He is hope.
So, I can and will keep praying. And trusting that no matter what! NO MATTER WHAT, He is still the one in charge and the one that sees us through!
That's where we are right now. It could, and probably will, end up being absolutely nothing. But we were called back in for another blood test, three days after the one that was JUST checking for mono. My 8 year old has spent the last 20 days fighting off a cold virus, then Strep throat and Slapped Face Virus, and then another day of high temperatures. She has lost weight and slept tons extra. Until yesterday, I had not seen her playful side for 19 of those 20 days...which stunk. Her temper has been nasty and the screaming ear-splitting. But, its still my "baby". We have walked through so much together...her entire existence seems surrounded with trying to fight for an existence, fight to keep her trachea open when it wasn't fully developed til she reached 6 months old, fight off strep almost every winter 2-6 times each, break her arm in two places at four and then her wedding ring finger less then six months later, and then surgery to remove five teeth. We made it to 10 months strep free before last weeks diagnosis...and that is a record for her...one we celebrated. Now, her white blood cell counts are not what they are supposed to be and she has lost weight that her petite little frame didn't really have to wait. And the worst part...there is nothing I can do about it.
I like, appreciate, thrive, in DOING. Something, anything. To keep busy and side-tracked and feel like what I am doing will make the situation better or go away.
In this case...nothing. There isn't anything I can do to make it better or make it go away. I won't even know if her count is closer to normal until Sat or Mon. But let me tell you, when that phone call comes...there will be some crazy dancing going on!
Okay, so not entirely nothing. I can PRAY! I have been praying ever since the phone call. That this might just be a fluke and not another hard thing for this single mom to have to walk through. You see, I have HOPE. And that Hope is found in the Hope-Maker...God. He has a plan for all this. And He loves my daughter even more than I do. He has a plan for her life...He promises that for each of us in Jeremiah 29:11 and following. I don't have a clue what is coming...or if they all got worried for nothing or if we will find out the underlying problem to her years of an immune system that couldn't seem to keep her from getting sick and missing oh-so-many days of school. The hope that I have...regardless of what the test says...good or bad...He will be walking right there with us. He has already shown Himself to be so faithful lately...He carried us through some super dark days over the last year and a half. He has shown that He can take the ashes of what's left and turn it into beauty. He knows and cares about each of our todays and all of our tomorrows. He knows exactly what He is doing. He is hope.
So, I can and will keep praying. And trusting that no matter what! NO MATTER WHAT, He is still the one in charge and the one that sees us through!
Mar 22, 2011
Craftiness in Heaven
I just finished reading the book Desire: The Journey We Must Take To Find The Life God Offers by John Eldridge. Chapter Nine spoke to me the most out of the whole book...it was called The Adventure Begins. In this book, Eldridge talks about how Christians tend to squash their desire and just strive to be content, but in that we lose our ability to dream and to keep seeking more...more of God and want He wants of us. In this chapter, Eldridge talked about how very creative our God is and how He put that same creativeness in us. That we find the thing that God made us best at and do that...but then when we get to Heaven, we won't be sitting around all day doing nothing...we will be doing that creative thing that God made us to be good at--without limitations. That sounds wonderful to me. To know my purpose and be able to fulfill it with no limitations. I have to say, that makes Heaven sound a little more delightful to me. I wanna share a few quotes that I loved...
"This is precisely what happens when God shares with mankind his own artistic capacity and then sets us down in a paradise of unlimited potential. It is an act of creative invitation, like providing Money with a studio for the summer, stocked full of brushes and oils and empty canvases. Or like giving Mozart full use of an orchestra and a concert hall for an autumn of composing..."
"And it is this life, with all its joyful creativity and power and unending happiness, that he says he is going to share with us. This is the 'joy of your master' that we are to be welcomed into."
"God has created us and our gifts for a place of his choosing," says Guinness, "and we will only be ourselves when we are finally there."
"What if you were given the freedom (the permission) and the power (all the resources necessary) to do exactly what you were always meant to do?"
"The One who created you and set all those loves and gifts in your heart, the One who has shaped all your life experiences (including the ones that seem to make no sense), this God has prepared a place for you that is a more than perfect fit for all your gifts and quirks and personality traits--even those you don't know you have. Christ is not joking when he says that we shall inherit the kingdom prepared for us and shall reign with him forever. We will take the position for which we have been uniquely made and will rule as he does--meaning with creativity and power."
"Each person will live out the passion of his heart, set there by the Creator from before the beginning of time."
"The 'glorious freedom' of the children of God is the freedom of being all we were meant to be. We won't be held back by anything anymore; no, we will finally hit our stride."
Highly recommend this book. I will admit I didn't know what to do with all of it, but I really enjoyed a different viewpoint of Christianity and Desire and Heaven.
"This is precisely what happens when God shares with mankind his own artistic capacity and then sets us down in a paradise of unlimited potential. It is an act of creative invitation, like providing Money with a studio for the summer, stocked full of brushes and oils and empty canvases. Or like giving Mozart full use of an orchestra and a concert hall for an autumn of composing..."
"And it is this life, with all its joyful creativity and power and unending happiness, that he says he is going to share with us. This is the 'joy of your master' that we are to be welcomed into."
"God has created us and our gifts for a place of his choosing," says Guinness, "and we will only be ourselves when we are finally there."
"What if you were given the freedom (the permission) and the power (all the resources necessary) to do exactly what you were always meant to do?"
"The One who created you and set all those loves and gifts in your heart, the One who has shaped all your life experiences (including the ones that seem to make no sense), this God has prepared a place for you that is a more than perfect fit for all your gifts and quirks and personality traits--even those you don't know you have. Christ is not joking when he says that we shall inherit the kingdom prepared for us and shall reign with him forever. We will take the position for which we have been uniquely made and will rule as he does--meaning with creativity and power."
"Each person will live out the passion of his heart, set there by the Creator from before the beginning of time."
"The 'glorious freedom' of the children of God is the freedom of being all we were meant to be. We won't be held back by anything anymore; no, we will finally hit our stride."
Highly recommend this book. I will admit I didn't know what to do with all of it, but I really enjoyed a different viewpoint of Christianity and Desire and Heaven.
Mar 21, 2011
Life
Have you ever had a time when you just felt overwhelmed...that life just no longer seemed to make any sense and you were wondering why you bothered?
I have been questioning a lot of things lately. Seems the only constant in my life right now is God. He is the only thing that hasn't changed and won't change. There is a lot to be said for that. I have been making a major move toward Him lately and I don't regret that at all.
I can't control much about my life. But if I choose to just sit there and do nothing...to wallow in the craziness...I am missing out. I can decide, no matter what is going on around me, no matter how much changes, to keep moving towards Him. And when I do, the rest of it gets smaller and smaller.
I am hoping, one of these days, that I will be so resting IN Him that the rest of all this doesn't keep throwing me for a loop or overwhelming me. He is all I really need. And in the grand scheme of eternity...the rest of the stuff doesn't matter.
So, who cares if I have no clue where we are going to live after June! God already knows the answer and He will take care of it.
So, I can't control my relationships! It's all good...God is working in even those as we work together. And the closer I get to Him, the better the relationships turn out.
I can't heal my daughter, who is now in her third week of off and on temperatures and there is no longer an explanation for them. God is the Great Physician...He knows exactly what is going on and He gifted her with the brain that quickly catches up to the rest of the class even after absences...and He put Spring Break in last week so that we haven't missed nearly as much school as we would have otherwise.
I sometimes feel like a complete failure and that people should just give up on me...that all I seem to do is hurt when I am not trying to...that life makes me feel too vulnerable and I dislike that strongly. But God will NEVER give up on me...or you. He chose us. He wants to be with us and share life with us. He created us for relationship...with Him and with others.
So, I tend to be a little rash and do things without thinking. I HATE it when people are angry at me and I can't fix it. I have a problem with opening my mouth and inserting my foot. Even in those things, God is still in control and helps me to apologize and just leave it in His hands as He works in the other person at the same time that He is working in me.
God is enough. And now it is time for that to truly sink into my very being so that I can start living like I believe it. Help me to truly believe, Lord! I want my life to show You!
"And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you." Philippians 1:6
I have been questioning a lot of things lately. Seems the only constant in my life right now is God. He is the only thing that hasn't changed and won't change. There is a lot to be said for that. I have been making a major move toward Him lately and I don't regret that at all.
I can't control much about my life. But if I choose to just sit there and do nothing...to wallow in the craziness...I am missing out. I can decide, no matter what is going on around me, no matter how much changes, to keep moving towards Him. And when I do, the rest of it gets smaller and smaller.
I am hoping, one of these days, that I will be so resting IN Him that the rest of all this doesn't keep throwing me for a loop or overwhelming me. He is all I really need. And in the grand scheme of eternity...the rest of the stuff doesn't matter.
So, who cares if I have no clue where we are going to live after June! God already knows the answer and He will take care of it.
So, I can't control my relationships! It's all good...God is working in even those as we work together. And the closer I get to Him, the better the relationships turn out.
I can't heal my daughter, who is now in her third week of off and on temperatures and there is no longer an explanation for them. God is the Great Physician...He knows exactly what is going on and He gifted her with the brain that quickly catches up to the rest of the class even after absences...and He put Spring Break in last week so that we haven't missed nearly as much school as we would have otherwise.
I sometimes feel like a complete failure and that people should just give up on me...that all I seem to do is hurt when I am not trying to...that life makes me feel too vulnerable and I dislike that strongly. But God will NEVER give up on me...or you. He chose us. He wants to be with us and share life with us. He created us for relationship...with Him and with others.
So, I tend to be a little rash and do things without thinking. I HATE it when people are angry at me and I can't fix it. I have a problem with opening my mouth and inserting my foot. Even in those things, God is still in control and helps me to apologize and just leave it in His hands as He works in the other person at the same time that He is working in me.
God is enough. And now it is time for that to truly sink into my very being so that I can start living like I believe it. Help me to truly believe, Lord! I want my life to show You!
"And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you." Philippians 1:6
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