Restless and yet oddly reassured

...it's gotta be a God thing. Not the restlessness, but the reassured part. 

God's unique timing and His eternalness has come up often lately. As well as the importance of just being in His presence. Finding joy and strength in Him. 

Losing a close friend right before Christmas, facing some pretty big milestones, and then the holiday season, and then Valentine's Day coming up this week, all of it has resulted in me being more reflective than I can remember in a long time. 

And that has led to me asking God some hard questions. Like what is my purpose in this season? Am I doing my children a disservice by not putting myself out there more, or am I just being in the moment with them?  What is the line between being friendly and throwing myself at someone as a single christian mom?  Am I helping my girls to celebrate the little accomplishments enough?  Am I helping them to grow up believing that they truly can do anything that they set their mind to?  Are there ways we could be truly living more?  How can I help them to enjoy God's amazing creation and experience new things more? Etc...

Probably my biggest, most often reoccurring question deals with personal dreams...things like a crazy overwhelming desire to see the ocean, to fly, to view the Grand Canyon at sunset/sunrise, to marvel at the Creator at the feet of some of His greatest marvels...and how I balance these desires to see and appreciate His grand creations at the same time as trying to live a life of contentment in the here and now. 

So many things in life seem to be fine lines to walk and I'm not always sure where that line is. I visited with God about that this morning. He's the one, after all, that I talk everything through with. And while I don't have the answers, He does. 

We also talked this morning about how different time is to the two of us. He is eternal, and there is no reason for Him to rush anything because He can see the whole picture and all the details, and He alone knows when the timing is perfect. 

I'm not eternal. What I can see is incredibly limited. I don't know what the details are or when the timing is right. 

And it's just one more reason that I need Him. That I need to actively sit in His presence and soak up as much as I can while sitting at His feet and reading His Word. And all these unknown, that are all knows to Him, send me running to Him. Which means they are a good thing as they drive me to the One who knows it all. 

And I think that's why I can be restless and reassured at the same time. Because He is more than willing to reassure me and carry me and guide me and give me purpose. And He safely holds all my dreams and aspirations and desires until the proper season, when He knows the timing is right. 

And I just have to choose to trust. 

Hmmm...that seems to be a reoccurring theme right there. 

Choose to trust. 

Life is not a Sadie Hawkins' dance

There seems to be a reoccurring topic at our house lately, and it's not been brought up by me. Dating. 

Maybe it's because we have been watching Friends reruns on Netflix. 

Maybe it's because Valentine's Day is coming up soon. 

Maybe it's because they see one parent constantly dating and the other is not. 

Maybe it's because it's been almost four years since I have gone on a date.

Maybe it's because they think they are ready, or they just want someone to love their mom like they do. 

Maybe it's a combination of all that, and more. 

Anyways, my daughters have been talking about dating a lot lately. Not for themselves, it's always with me in mind. Which sometimes is funny...oh the things that kiddos say...but sometimes makes things hard, and makes me think too much. 

In a way, I feel bad, because I'm not showing them an example of what a godly relationship looks like...

But in another way, I'm thankful that there isn't a parade of guys going in and out of their lives. 

I'm not a casual dater. I never have been. I can count on four fingers the amount of guys I have ever gone on a date with. 

I was raised so different than what our culture deems allowable or appropriate today. 

I was raised, and still believe, that the man does the initiating and the asking, and that God created man to be the lead...both in godly dating and in marriage. 

And that God is the one doing the ultimate leading and arranging as He writes out my love story and intertwines it with the love story He is writing in the man's life. And I believe that He knows exactly who I would be a good helpmeet to. And when He deems both of us ready for whatever He has for us, He will nudge His man's heart and point him in my direction. 

Let me guess?  That sounds incredibly old fashion to you and you can't imagine sitting around waiting for someone to come to you?  That feels like all the control is left in the hands of someone/something you aren't 100% sure is going to come through for you in this case, unless you help out in some way?  or maybe you think I'm doing my girls a disservice by not putting myself out there more and taking a more proactive approach?

Well, let's see. I don't have the best track record at picking a guy on my own. Short summary of my dating experience when I was "in charge".  Thought I was in love the first time  and got to experience being sexually abused, pregnant, miscarried, and dumped a month before the wedding at the young age of 19. Then dated/engaged to a friend who should have only ever been a good friend. Super fast romance/engagement and then 10 year marriage, that ended up in divorce (and the two biggest blessings in my life). Reunion with the good friend that should have remained good friend but instead was a whirlwind dating/engagement/breakup. And round that off with a get-to-know-you-again, three month dating relationship that was sweet and fun but ended with never hearing from the person again and wondering if he was even still alive for over a year. 

That's what happens when I'm the one, even with the best of intentions and a lot of prayer, sort of calling the shots. 

God and I have talked about this a lot the last four years (and more). 

The last dating experience, which was also the most actual dates (not just hanging out at each others' family events/house), left me with nothing personally to regret...but shook the three of us girls up and left us questioning what we possibly could have done wrong that we didn't even get a goodbye. 

There was some good growth that came out of it, don't get me wrong. I went back to school and finished my degree, and we purposefully put life aside to do that. All three of us making sacrifices. And we learned how to be just the three of us and enjoy being the three musketeers, making great memories together. But a lot of my growth happened while hiding behind a close guy friend of mine, which wasn't necessarily healthy, but it's what I did. 

And I've grown in my relationship with my Heavenly Father in a way I didn't even know I could. 

Having Him pick out someone for me, and guide that person my direction, and my girls getting to see what it's like to just live for God and not be obsessed with all the little details...that's what I'm looking forward to. 

That doesn't mean that I don't have hard days, wondering if I will ever get to experience a godly love, or show my girls a godly marriage. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when they tease (I'm sure they are doing it out of love) and/or whisper among themselves. It doesn't mean I don't have days where I struggle with how bad I miss being a wife. It doesn't mean it's not hard for me to be the only sibling (out of six) that's not married. Nor is it ever easy to hear all the questions of "so, are you dating yet? Any prospects?"  And it doesn't mean that I don't sometimes have my own questions for God and about His timing. 

BUT! Even on the hardest days, weeks, months, years...deep down there is this underlying peace that He's got it, and that it will be worth the wait. 

And there's just something about knowing that someday, a man is going to be talking with God about me...that God's going to tell him, "this is the woman I have for you"...something about that just makes you smile and renews that spark of hope one more time. 

And that's the reminder I need when the girls talk/tease/plot about dating. Or when someone asks why I don't take a more active pursuing role in my life. Or when my family asks if there are any prospects. 

Just like all the other details and unknowns of my life, none of it is unknown to God. He's got this! And I get a front row seat!

Wow! January disappeared!

I cannot believe that it's already February...I blinked and January disappeared. 
I haven't even blogged lately...which means my beautiful momma has not had me cluttering up her emails enough :p
Anyways, time to play catch up...
I ended up taking the girls' whole Christmas break off with them, and we loved having that time off with me not working.  Well, they loved it, and I was biting at the bit to sew by the time break was over.  I had the privilege of making a quilt for my high school friend who is fighting breast cancer, and had her first of several surgeries in January.  She deemed the cross quilt to be her "security blanket" reminding her where her security comes from, and is currently back home recuperating until the next surgery. 

  I decided I liked the design wall with an ever-changing cross lay-out even more than I would have liked a wall-hanging...so it remains in the dining room.
We got to sneak in a visit to my parents' twice this month and the second visit was actually a spring-like weather day and we took Mr. Moe with us.  I was exhausted, but it was great to just relax and enjoy the sunshine and their company.
Throughout the entire month of sewing time, I was working on these...
the first bag organizer...

 32 double zip cellphone wallet/wristlets

 ...and 40 flap cellphone wallet/wristlets.

I finished all the sewing on Wednesday of last week, then an entire day of photographing all my product that wasn't already listed in the etsy shop.  Which also included the small cellphone wallets, the convertible bags, and fabric wallets, and taking a pic of all three sizes next to each other.

And all of this was done around the Monday/Tuesday babysitting, and regular bi-weekly therapy meetings.
And not interrupted by the pain that the ER doctor is assuming is a kidney stone trying to work its way out of my body (although that little bugger is stubbornly refusing to move so far).
Then three days worth of editing the 397 product pictures and uploading/writing descriptions for each item in my shop.
I got hugely excited when I hit the 100 items mark, and tonight finished adding the convertible bags which got the shop to 132 items total.
With Valentine's Day coming up, and no craft shows until the end of the month, and still excited about having so much product online-available, I made a holiday coupon this morning to celebrate.  So, from now until the 15th, you can save 20% off of your entire purchase in our etsy shop!!!  I hope you have a chance to take advantage of that great coupon...Just enter the code Heart1415 in the coupon spot.  It's a great time to treat yourself or to buy something special for that Valentine's Day gift.

Hmpf...now I know where January went!  Wow!  We actually have a lot to show for that month, work and picture wise!  And we have a show booked for the end of this month, and an autism awareness show booked for April.  Now to just get the March one booked and keep working!

Today, I'm most working on letting go and letting God take it all.  I don't have any control over anything anyways, so its a wasted effort to fight for control.  Trying to walk out daily trust in Him in all things...especially all the unknowns...and letting Him shine through it all!