So, in the last week I read a book that talked all about how God has these secret names for us that remind us of the potential and power that we find in Him alone. And that each of us have different "secret names" and the only person who can tell us our secret name is God. That He tells us in order to build us up, whispers it to our heart, and we have to listen and choose to believe, and He will use that name to help us when we are down, remind us of who we are in Him, what He wants to do in our lives, give us something personal to cling to...etc.
Before I go any further, I need to share one small piece of background that is slightly important. I love Mandisa...I think she has an amazing witness and writes powerful songs that mean the world to people. I applaud her for the creativity she has and the way God is using her. And I have absolutely NOTHING against her newest single Overcomer. It's an amazing song, with powerful lyrics. It just was talked about so much before hand, it seems like it is played on my favorite station every hour, but my biggest problem is I just don't want to like the song. I have an attitude problem.
You see, I am tired of being strong or being thought of as strong. I am just plain tired. I don't want to be this tired, cranky, overcome person. I don't want to be negative or bitter. I just want to be happy and content where God has me. I want to grow. I don't want to be stuck. And yet, that is a huge battle for me right now. Every day (ask my accountability partners, they can vouch for this), I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other right now and do what has to be done. I don't understand why things happen the way they do, I just keep begging God to remind me that He hasn't changed, He still has plans for me, and He is working even when I can't see it. And boy is He faithful to do this.
Anyways, back to the secret names thing. The book encouraged me to be real and broken before God and allow Him to whisper to my soul. And I thought, perfect timing to read this book, God, because I am laying here at Your feet, face down, broken. You know the point, when everything you thought you knew ended up being not as true as you thought, or the complete opposite of what it appeared to be. That kind of moment. I ate the book up. There were just so many parts of it that resonated deep down. I didn't have the guts to ask God for my secret name. But there was one word repeatedly whispered to me, as I read, the thought of it had already been there for quite awhile before this just phrased in a different manner...I have heard myself say "I always bounce back". because time and time again I have seen God carry me through and help me bounce right back. The one word, and He still is repeating it to me...Overcomer. He's made me an overcomer...He has made it possible for me to continue to overcome...He even had me read all these verses in Revelation that talked about those who overcome. Before I even read the Secret Name book, I was already in the process of reading Revelation and circling the word overcome, every time I ran across it...which was a lot.
Because I am human, there's that part of me that balks. Even as I have chills at the realization He was already working on telling me this before I even knew to listen for it. Being an overcomer comes with a cost. It already has. There is so much in my story that He has had to seriously carry me through because no one can walk this stuff on their own...they need Him and the people He uses in their lives to see them through events like that, and there have been many in my story. I often tell a very abridged version of my story when sharing, because I don't want the looks of shock or pity or wow, I can't believe you have been through one of those things let alone more than one. As a human being, I would love the excuse to stop trying...to just spend a whole day or more in bed and not keep fighting to move forward. But along with the cost, there is privilege. The honor of seeing my story redeemed as He uses it to help someone else who is struggling through one of those tough life events. The honor of letting Him shine through every facet of the story He has allowed me to live, to share Him and what He can do through every one of those moments and how He helps us come to the other side of it stronger then we started.
Yeah, I am TIRED. This road is tough. I have cried more in the last 10 days then I probably have in 4 years. I have a crazy life story. But I also was chosen by Someone who loves me in a crazy, unfathomable way, and never tires of writing my story for me...and adding twists and plots that bless my socks off and help me to remember what He is doing for me. He makes me an Overcomer...because that is what I am IN HIM. He chooses to use me in all my broken and messed-up-ness. He arranges for every single thing I need. He chose me to be His.
Sep 28, 2013
Sep 27, 2013
Confused...I just don't understand
There is so stinking much about life and relationships that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
There is so much about protecting oneself that I don't understand or agree with.
There are so many decisions made by the "higher ups" that I don't get or know how to even figure out.
I don't understand how you give up on someone you care about or just walk away.
There is just so many unknowns in life.
I do realize that hurting people hurt people.
I realize that leaders try to make the best decisions for the majority that they can with the info they have.
I realize that we are all human and we are just trying to make the best of things and keep moving forward.
I realize that its so easy to get stuck.
I realize that silence is sometimes easier than saying a thing.
I realize that often life just hurts.
But it seems like there should be more that could be done.
That grace and mercy should be fought for and freely given.
That forgiveness is of utmost importance.
That we should be careful because so much can come across as judgmental and sometimes people are hanging on by a thread that we can so easily chop without meaning to.
That life is sometimes so hard.
And that when we are broken, its easier to see when others are too, but when we are confident or haven't faced very many challenges ourselves, its easier to have unrealistic expectations.
The knowns that exist even in a world of unknowns:
God is still God...He's still in control...He's already won the victory...He feels our brokenness with us... He enables us to move past our brokenness and yet still use it in the lives of others...He gave us mercy, grace, and forgiveness so freely and challenges us to do so with ALL those we come in contact with...HE IS LOVE...He's the same yesterday, today, and forever...He's willing to walk every step of this with us...He heals our broken hearts...He is the reason we can see the best in others despite what they might have done against us, and to offer forgiveness...He put unlimited potential in each of us that we can tap into with His help and touch on our lives...when we choose to live for Him, there is everlasting, overcoming, expectant hope.
I may not have a clue what tomorrow will bring, or how I am going to even get to tomorrow, but I know the author of ALL my tomorrows and I choose to rest in that. He WILL see me through.
There is so much about protecting oneself that I don't understand or agree with.
There are so many decisions made by the "higher ups" that I don't get or know how to even figure out.
I don't understand how you give up on someone you care about or just walk away.
There is just so many unknowns in life.
I do realize that hurting people hurt people.
I realize that leaders try to make the best decisions for the majority that they can with the info they have.
I realize that we are all human and we are just trying to make the best of things and keep moving forward.
I realize that its so easy to get stuck.
I realize that silence is sometimes easier than saying a thing.
I realize that often life just hurts.
But it seems like there should be more that could be done.
That grace and mercy should be fought for and freely given.
That forgiveness is of utmost importance.
That we should be careful because so much can come across as judgmental and sometimes people are hanging on by a thread that we can so easily chop without meaning to.
That life is sometimes so hard.
And that when we are broken, its easier to see when others are too, but when we are confident or haven't faced very many challenges ourselves, its easier to have unrealistic expectations.
The knowns that exist even in a world of unknowns:
God is still God...He's still in control...He's already won the victory...He feels our brokenness with us... He enables us to move past our brokenness and yet still use it in the lives of others...He gave us mercy, grace, and forgiveness so freely and challenges us to do so with ALL those we come in contact with...HE IS LOVE...He's the same yesterday, today, and forever...He's willing to walk every step of this with us...He heals our broken hearts...He is the reason we can see the best in others despite what they might have done against us, and to offer forgiveness...He put unlimited potential in each of us that we can tap into with His help and touch on our lives...when we choose to live for Him, there is everlasting, overcoming, expectant hope.
I may not have a clue what tomorrow will bring, or how I am going to even get to tomorrow, but I know the author of ALL my tomorrows and I choose to rest in that. He WILL see me through.
Sep 24, 2013
Choices
Everyday we make choices and don't even think twice about them.
When to make ourselves get out of bed...how to react to the fussy preteen before school...where our focus is going to be...whether we lash out when we have been hurt or remain quiet.
That's a big one for me this week.
I found out about a decision that was made by a friend of mine, that potentially has huge ramifications for me. But its their decision to make. While it broke my already hurting heart, the way I react is completely my responsibility. I could make an already tough situation harder by lashing out, or expressing the pain, or making the other person hurt more, too. Or I can take it all to God, reach out to my accountability partners to help me monitor my reactions, and choose to look for ways to improve me, to build me up in God so these kinds of things don't rock my world so hard.
I spent the day walking the dogs, eating lunch with my daughter, and reading the book Your Secret Name: discovering who God created you to be by Kary Oberbrunner.
See, the thing is, I want to grow...closer to Him and closer to others. I don't want to injure anyone. I don't want to make someone hurt more. I just want God to feel free to shine through me even in times that I am barely functioning and the whole world looks topsy turvy.
There is already too much hurt in the world. Too many labels and baggage that comes from those labels. I long to see myself the way that He sees me, to live in the potential He put inside me. To live in His victory. To be confident, and expectantly hopeful.
I don't know why we have to go through hard times in life. I don't know why its human tendency to hurt those closest to us. I don't know why boundaries are so vital to living healthy, or why they are easier to break then to keep. But I know the God who delights in writing my life story. Who can take the very worst of situations and turn them into things that speak of Him and what He is capable of. I know that He has never changed even when it feels like everything I know has changed. I know Him because He has promised that as I cling to Him, He draws near to me. As I seek Him, He makes Himself known. So I am seeking, and I am clinging. And I am trusting that He is working His plan for all of this, and that it will be good. Because He is who He has told us He is. He chooses to speak to us. He delights in us and in helping us through all that this life brings our way. He loves me/us. So much that He gave us His one and only Son. To bridge the gap...so we could know Him. Wow!
That kind of never-ending powerful hope comes only from Him! And it will always be there! for us!
When to make ourselves get out of bed...how to react to the fussy preteen before school...where our focus is going to be...whether we lash out when we have been hurt or remain quiet.
That's a big one for me this week.
I found out about a decision that was made by a friend of mine, that potentially has huge ramifications for me. But its their decision to make. While it broke my already hurting heart, the way I react is completely my responsibility. I could make an already tough situation harder by lashing out, or expressing the pain, or making the other person hurt more, too. Or I can take it all to God, reach out to my accountability partners to help me monitor my reactions, and choose to look for ways to improve me, to build me up in God so these kinds of things don't rock my world so hard.
I spent the day walking the dogs, eating lunch with my daughter, and reading the book Your Secret Name: discovering who God created you to be by Kary Oberbrunner.
See, the thing is, I want to grow...closer to Him and closer to others. I don't want to injure anyone. I don't want to make someone hurt more. I just want God to feel free to shine through me even in times that I am barely functioning and the whole world looks topsy turvy.
There is already too much hurt in the world. Too many labels and baggage that comes from those labels. I long to see myself the way that He sees me, to live in the potential He put inside me. To live in His victory. To be confident, and expectantly hopeful.
I don't know why we have to go through hard times in life. I don't know why its human tendency to hurt those closest to us. I don't know why boundaries are so vital to living healthy, or why they are easier to break then to keep. But I know the God who delights in writing my life story. Who can take the very worst of situations and turn them into things that speak of Him and what He is capable of. I know that He has never changed even when it feels like everything I know has changed. I know Him because He has promised that as I cling to Him, He draws near to me. As I seek Him, He makes Himself known. So I am seeking, and I am clinging. And I am trusting that He is working His plan for all of this, and that it will be good. Because He is who He has told us He is. He chooses to speak to us. He delights in us and in helping us through all that this life brings our way. He loves me/us. So much that He gave us His one and only Son. To bridge the gap...so we could know Him. Wow!
That kind of never-ending powerful hope comes only from Him! And it will always be there! for us!
Sep 19, 2013
Fear of the Unknown
I guess God is trying to move me past any and all fear of the unknown. To figure out how to cling so tight to Him, and lean so hard into Him, that there is no room for fear or worry of everything that is up in the air. I have no clue what life is supposed to look like right now. But I also have this crazy sense that its all going to be okay. Different...by far...but okay.
I know who holds my life in the palm of His hand. I know who loves me like no one else ever could. I know that He is loving the freedom to write my life story the way that He knows is best. I know that the plans He has for me are so far above and beyond anything I could have come up with on my own. I know all of that beyond a shadow of a doubt.
There is a lot of freedom in completely letting go and letting Him do whatever He wants.
It gives your heart a crazy peace.
It strengthens you.
It allows you to be a better person, happier, less weighed down by the weight of the world.
But it doesn't come automatically. You have to want it and work for it. Sometimes on a second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day basis. But He has promised it will always be worth it...to choose Him. To walk in obedience. To be His alone.
To listen to His voice reassuringly say, "just wait and see what I do with this!"
I know who holds my life in the palm of His hand. I know who loves me like no one else ever could. I know that He is loving the freedom to write my life story the way that He knows is best. I know that the plans He has for me are so far above and beyond anything I could have come up with on my own. I know all of that beyond a shadow of a doubt.
There is a lot of freedom in completely letting go and letting Him do whatever He wants.
It gives your heart a crazy peace.
It strengthens you.
It allows you to be a better person, happier, less weighed down by the weight of the world.
But it doesn't come automatically. You have to want it and work for it. Sometimes on a second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day basis. But He has promised it will always be worth it...to choose Him. To walk in obedience. To be His alone.
To listen to His voice reassuringly say, "just wait and see what I do with this!"
Sep 18, 2013
Life is a process
I haven't written in here for months. Life was super busy...meeting myself coming and going. But life ebbs and flows. We climb mountains and then slide down the other side before climbing the next one. There is give and take. Joys and sorrows. All of that good stuff.
And in it all are mistakes to be made, lessons to learn, boundaries to form and struggle to maintain, friendships that struggle and thrive.
Today, everything just feels different. Empty in a way. Slightly overwhelming. Different and quiet.
Yesterday I stood up for myself for the first time in so long I can't even remember when it happened before. But in the process I hurt the feelings of a person that has been one of my closest friends. As a human, and a female, I didn't do everything right. And although I had tried to start this particular conversation many times, it was interrupted or postponed or not understood. And we had gotten to where things weren't in the best interests of the people involved any more...misunderstandings abounded, emotions were out of whack, confusion was very there.
I hate that I cannot seem to communicate in a way that the other person truly understands what I am trying to say. I hate that I hurt feelings. I hate that I don't really feel a resolution was found. And that everything is different.
As I have said before...I am human. On top of that I can sometimes be an emotional female. My feelings get hurt and most of the time I don't even let anyone know. I have spent years just handing everything to God, without any communication happening between me and the other human involved. I don't do everything right. I mess up. But boy do I try. I want so hard to live a life that pleases Daddy God...that He can be proud of me.
Sometimes I wish I had all the answers. I wish that I knew better how to protect the hearts entrusted to me...namely mine and the girls'. I wish I was confident that I am doing enough, but not too much. That I could freely love on all those around me without letting my emotions get the best of me. That I knew how to make and keep good solid boundaries (and yes, I have taken the boundaries class and have the book).
I know how to depend on God. I know that He alone has all the answers and that the closer I get to Him, the easier it will be to live a life that is confident and bold, knowing who I am in Him.
But I still have hangups. I discover regularly that I still have triggers I need to move past. I stumble. I find myself longing for things I don't have rather than counting my blessings and being thankful for what I have. I am real.
I apologized last night. It was never my intention to hurt. But it was time for the things discussed to be discussed. And I am so proud of the way it was handled by the other party...it was encouraging to see it done in a godly way. To know the importance of figuring things out so that life could go on and a new chapter could be started.
Do I miss the way it was before yesterday? Parts of it, after all we are talking one of my best friends here. But the way we are moving forward should be healthier for all involved, and encourage growth. I know my place now, and there is a lot of freedom in that. And I have been reminded by Daddy constantly in the last 24 hours that He is asking me one thing... "wait and see what I do with this". because He is at work in all things...He can make beauty out of all things. He alone knows it all, sees it all, and is in control of it all.
And in it all are mistakes to be made, lessons to learn, boundaries to form and struggle to maintain, friendships that struggle and thrive.
Today, everything just feels different. Empty in a way. Slightly overwhelming. Different and quiet.
Yesterday I stood up for myself for the first time in so long I can't even remember when it happened before. But in the process I hurt the feelings of a person that has been one of my closest friends. As a human, and a female, I didn't do everything right. And although I had tried to start this particular conversation many times, it was interrupted or postponed or not understood. And we had gotten to where things weren't in the best interests of the people involved any more...misunderstandings abounded, emotions were out of whack, confusion was very there.
I hate that I cannot seem to communicate in a way that the other person truly understands what I am trying to say. I hate that I hurt feelings. I hate that I don't really feel a resolution was found. And that everything is different.
As I have said before...I am human. On top of that I can sometimes be an emotional female. My feelings get hurt and most of the time I don't even let anyone know. I have spent years just handing everything to God, without any communication happening between me and the other human involved. I don't do everything right. I mess up. But boy do I try. I want so hard to live a life that pleases Daddy God...that He can be proud of me.
Sometimes I wish I had all the answers. I wish that I knew better how to protect the hearts entrusted to me...namely mine and the girls'. I wish I was confident that I am doing enough, but not too much. That I could freely love on all those around me without letting my emotions get the best of me. That I knew how to make and keep good solid boundaries (and yes, I have taken the boundaries class and have the book).
I know how to depend on God. I know that He alone has all the answers and that the closer I get to Him, the easier it will be to live a life that is confident and bold, knowing who I am in Him.
But I still have hangups. I discover regularly that I still have triggers I need to move past. I stumble. I find myself longing for things I don't have rather than counting my blessings and being thankful for what I have. I am real.
I apologized last night. It was never my intention to hurt. But it was time for the things discussed to be discussed. And I am so proud of the way it was handled by the other party...it was encouraging to see it done in a godly way. To know the importance of figuring things out so that life could go on and a new chapter could be started.
Do I miss the way it was before yesterday? Parts of it, after all we are talking one of my best friends here. But the way we are moving forward should be healthier for all involved, and encourage growth. I know my place now, and there is a lot of freedom in that. And I have been reminded by Daddy constantly in the last 24 hours that He is asking me one thing... "wait and see what I do with this". because He is at work in all things...He can make beauty out of all things. He alone knows it all, sees it all, and is in control of it all.
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