I never in a million years had kids thinking I would ever have to do it alone. I was in love. I wanted to have his children and it be our little family. I wanted to be a mom and love on these precious babies God gifted me with. Even then, I was super nervous about the teenager stage, but when I worried, I reminded myself that there were two of us, and we would figure out things together.
But life, so often turns out nothing like you imagine or plan. And I've been a single mom for five years now. And in that time, I truly expected myself to be a bit more secure or feeling like I can do this. But still, more often then not, I doubt my ability to do this. I'm not as strong as everyone assumes I am. I'm an emotional mess just as often as not. I have just as many sad moments as happy ones, overwhelmed times as not overwhelmed. Way too often I feel like I am drowning and that I am failing my girls.
And I feel all these opposite spectrum emotions at the same time that I am daily living a relationship with Daddy God. I cannot imagine how much even more overwhelming it is for those without a relationship with Him. Because He truly is the only reason some days that I can keep going, and that I can keep trying so hard.
There is a lot of self doubt as a parent. And I think that intensifies as a full time single parent. It feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and if you mess up, it's not just your life, but theirs too. There is no safety net. No spouse to bounce ideas off of and help carry the burden. So, without a relationship with God, there can be an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. With Him, I can always find at least a sliver of hope to cling to, knowing that He loves my precious girls even more than I do, and me, and He has the best plan for us. Even with the amount of years I have tried to daily walk with Him, many years longer than my marriage existed, my children exist, and the years I have been single again... My relationship with Him has been my rock.
That doesn't cancel out consequences, life's ups and downs, the happies and the sads...but He actively holds my hands and even carries me at times, through it all.
I may be single, again, but I am His.
I may feel like a failure as a parent, especially as a single one, more often than I ever say out loud, but I am still His.
I may not be able to give my girls any extra things, but He actively gives me the strength and he courage to be there for them, daily, even when I've been pushed past my breaking point...because I am His.
I may often feel like this path is too hard, too challenging, too much (after all being a single parent isn't my only challenge as anyone who knows me knows), but that sometimes-only-a-sliver of hope keeps me putting one foot in front of the other...because I am His and He knows how much I need Him and His reassurances.
In the last five years, there have been moments that have ripped my heart out of my chest, only to heal and be ripped out, repeating over and over. Details learned that renewed feelings of betrayal, friends and loved ones moving in and out of our lives, concussions that took away more memories and ability to "fully" and easily function, diagnoses that literally changed everything about our lives, financial set backs and job changes, fighting off depression with everything we could muster, threats and stalkers, and more...on top of the very day challenges of preteens and teens and life. There have also been happies, joys, accomplishments, little life celebrations and big answered prayers.
EVERY. STEP. OF. THE. WAY. HE CARRIED US!!!
I could not and would not want to live this life without the help, support, foundation, protection, guidance of my Daddy God and I am so thankful for every single moment of every single day because it's the love story of redemption and provision that He is writing just for me. I am thankful that He knew exactly how motivating my girls would be for me and how hard I would fight to be more than I knew I could be to be there for them. I am so thankful for the amazing young ladies they are, and the God-given potential for who He is making them to be, despite me and my fumblings. That He loves the three of us with a crazy big, never ending, unfathomable love.
And even though this life is hard, and nothing like I could have ever imagined, I am thankful to be living the life that He made just for me...the good and the bad...because it's the fabric that makes me who I am.
