Grief

I don't understand grief...not that I have ever really tried to.  It doesn't make sense to me.  It comes and goes as it will...sometimes knocking you to the floor completely, sometimes just brushing past you.  Sometimes in expected ways, and on expected days, and other times completely out of no where.
It's been that way with the residual grief from my divorce, and its been that way with loss.
Outside of the divorce, which is not the same as grieving a death, I hadn't lost anyone super close to me, that was as unexpected as the loss I just experienced.  I have lost all my grandparents, but they had all lived full lives.  This loss was the first that was someone close to me, my age(ish), that had been an active part of our lives...as close as family.  In fact, I called him big brother, he called me his little sister, my kiddos called him uncle.  He was my Cherry Coke Fairy.  We talked for accumulated hours over the time we knew each other, about the big and little things in life.  We encouraged each other in our walks with God.  And just like siblings, we had moments where we were not communicating, too. 
 And it was out of the blue.  Unexpected.  No explanation.
What makes it even harder, is that he was the happiest and most peaceful I've ever known him to be.  We had just reconnected after a break from a time where we both were fighting our own things.  He had just gotten married to a woman I am privileged to call my friend.  They were making plans of their own, to add to their combined family.  I had literally just held his newborn son for the first time the last time I talked to him...and he had never met him. 
I was a mess after my sister lost her husband, but almost more for her than for him, because I really didn't know him that well since they had lived in another state for most of their life together.  But this has been so different.
And it was right before the Christmas holidays. 
I've lost sleep over this...every night since the phone call.
I've cried more times than I can count.
I drove to Omaha for his remembrance ceremony and gave his wife as many hugs as I could.
We gathered here at my house Christmas night and I watched all his girls open their presents and we tried so hard to laugh...and it was precious precious memories.
Today, I've been keeping a bonfire going all afternoon/evening in his honor.  Not because it makes sense to have a bonfire in December...nor is it easy to keep wood burning in December, or to feel your toes after sitting near it, or because he can even see it.  But because half of my memories with him are sitting around a bonfire and commenting on how there never is enough firewood when he comes over...and by the time he was done, there was no wood left in the pile.  He loved a tall fire.  I couldn't get the fire to be even half as big as he liked it to be, but boy did I cry.
There isn't a single thing I can do or say to bring him back, nor would I want to because he is now stress free, carefree, pain free in Heaven, two-stepping on streets of gold.  There isn't anything I can say to make the pain easier for his beautiful wife.  There isn't anything I can do to make it easier for his girls, or my girls as they all grieve this out in their own ways.  I cannot even take the hurt away for myself.
All I can do is remember him.  Tell his stories.  Remember him for who he was...a man who had real struggles but loved freely and openly all who came across his path.  Who would literally give the shirt off his back if he thought you needed it.  Who randomly dropped loads of Cherry Coke at my door because he knew it encouraged me.  Who shared about his love for his Savior, and the fact that he was a sinner saved by grace.  He didn't always make the best decisions, and his struggles were real, but he loved with abandon.  And I was privileged to get to see him love his wife and be so excited about the plans they were making.
In the end, the loss is real, but so are the memories.  Good and bad.  That's just how life is.
I can choose to lock myself away and not allow myself to love on the people God brings across my path, in attempts to keep myself from getting hurt... OR ... I can choose to have open hands and open eyes to those that God brings in and out of my life, holding nothing back, and walking hand in hand with those who are important to me.  I've already lived both ways...and either way has pain involved.  But I would rather love than close myself off to it.  After all, that's what God did for me...loved me even though He knew that I wouldn't always make the best choices.
I am truly thankful that Chris was my big brother...that he picked me to be his little sister...and that his life impacted me in so many ways.  Making me think outside the box.  Seeing what it was like to have someone want the best for me.  Challenging me in my walk and beliefs.  Showing me what it was like to be real and vulnerable with others, and trying to overcome addictions and bad choices.  And so much more.
And maybe that's why the grief is so real and unexpected...

Our 2014 Simply Memorable Journey

Oak Park High School

  Jamesport with Heavenly Hippo

New Horizon Presbyterian Church Winter Craft show
  Blue Springs Pinterest Event

Our first outdoor festival...Gower Festival

Liberty Fall Fest

Gladfest



Smithville Christian Family Day

It's the time of year that I tend to look back and think about all that has transpired in 2014.  What an amazing year!
We re-started our bag making...with full-time energy and effort this time...what originally was a 30 bags in 30 days goal back in 2010 has become a small business that allows me to truly be WITH my kiddos and help them thrive.
Back in January, when God put this giant leap of faith in front of me, it was daunting and I felt way too much to ask.  We were dealing with so much other stuff...trying to get official diagnoses for Ms. Banana and the help she needed to be able to handle her challenges and fears, watching Ms. Toad becoming a young lady, watching them both be middle schoolers.  But we jumped in with everything we had and did it the three of us together.
  Right before the first house party.

I sewed, all year long, like our lives depended on it.  And was reminded by God over and over and over, that He had us...that He would bring us the buyers for the bags, and that this was to be just a small way He provided for us, not the only way.  Even with Him reminding me of that constantly, I still am the worse boss to work for...I expect way too much out of myself.
We started out with some girls' night, shopping parties, for families and friends. Then as we kept posting what I was making, as I was making it, on facebook, we received amazing likes and supports that kept us trying even as we went through some super tight months.  Then got a sale from the Pinterest page and a bag went to Arizona, followed by an order for a quilted luggage set.  (Bags going to different states is another super fun part of all this!)  Ms. Banana got her diagnoses and began getting the help she needed and I kept sewing around their schedules.  We dipped our toes in the water at the first vendor event I found, and didn't make a single sale, but got invited to participate in our first ever outdoor event, which we loved. And we jumped in with both feet, a bit of fear, and a lot of hope.
Spring, summer, and fall were full of the girls' activities, as well as craft shows and festivals and vendor events.  We participated in as many shows/festivals as I could afford to participate in: from small shows to some big, well-known ones like Liberty Fall Fest and Gladfest on back to back weekends.  We just wrapped up the year with five weekends worth of events in a row this winter, ending with our own Christmas party this past Friday night.
We have probably made 300 bags, of all sizes, this year, and a small handful of the most beautiful/detailed quilts I have ever made.  Far surpassing what I hoped for in January when I set a goal to make one bag of every pattern I owned.  While that goal did not happen, I made far more bags than patterns...making my own bag patterns as I went.  Wallets, cellphone wallet/wristlets, drawstring bags, purses and totes (of almost every size, color, and pattern you can imagine), quilted bags, 3 full size quilted duffle sets, and one small quilted duffle set.  Our best seller being our cellphone wristlets, with probably 150 made and only 40+ on hand right now.  Another constant seller were our drawstring bags, which came close to selling out at every event they went to (as well as being our first special order in our Etsy shop).  Quilted duffles came in as our next most popular items this year.  But the most popular fabric, made into wallets and cellphone bags, would have to be Sock Monkeys...I lost track of how many times I went back to Hobby Lobby for fabric, but there are three people that work there that now know me by sight and greet me excitedly every time I walk in the doors again.  This truly has been so much fun to sew for people that get so excited to see their special-made-for-them bags.
  
But the part of all of this that has been the most fun, has been to meet so many new people, both fellow crafters/vendors, and all the shoppers.  To hear people excited about all the choices.  To make special orders that are exactly what someone imagined it might be.  To watch people come alongside us to get a new sewing machine and keep moving forward.  To hear all the encouragement as we keep walking out life in general and making bags.  And to know that God orchestrated all of this because it's what He knew we needed as a small family.
Wow!  What a year!!!