A "Praise You in the Storm" Kind of morning

I wrote on facebook this morning that it was a "praise you in the storm" kind of morning, and all three of us had cried before 8 am.  Not a fun morning.
I received a phone call at 7:20 from my middle schooler, in tears at the office, because she had forgotten her backpack.  Both girls start school 5 minutes apart from each other AND it's a PE day for my fifth grader, which means a SPD meltdown morning.  We'll just sum it all up to say that it was NOT pretty.  Not the way anyone wants to start off their day.
And Banana was struggling with SPD meltdowns off and on all night last night, already dreading having to put on the PE shoes and warning me that this morning was going to be bad.  And last night was so hard that I had to walk away and lock myself in my room for awhile to keep from exploding myself.
There is so much about SPD that is not understood...and not just in my household.  It's not known in the school systems...it's still fighting for acknowledgement on the registry of mental health issues (from what I've been reading...don't quote me on that)...there are still oh so many well-meaning adults that just assume that you are making excuses.  But for them...it is so incredibly real, and so overwhelming that it breaks your heart to watch them struggle with it day in and day out. 
As a mom, you can't help but feel like you are failing your child.  Because you can't take it for them...you can't carry it so they don't have to...and you have to fight insanely to get them help.  I'm still recovering from being really sick, and don't even know when I can pick the fight back up again. 
This may not be real in so many people's worlds...but it is real in ours.  And when she is in the middle of sensory overload, the meltdowns are the only way right now for her to get everything to shut up so she can try again.  But in the middle of that meltdown, she literally feels defeated and like she should be put away somewhere where she can't hurt anyone, and feels as if no one loves her and there is no point to exist.  NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THAT. 
It's hard for others to understand what we are going through, unless they are around for one of the meltdowns.  From the outside, limited view, looking in...she is an incredibly bright young lady with a lot of compassion for others.  She only feels safe letting down when she is in our house...and if you get a glimpse of a meltdown outside of the house, then she is so overloaded that she just can't fight it off.  There are people in her life that she will not allow to see her struggle...out of fear of their reaction...and when she comes home from hanging out with any of those people, she just falls apart and the best way to describe it is she melts.  Some meltdowns are easy to handle, and some of them leave all of us in tears.  It's not fun.  But we have been working so hard to get her to see that we love her anyways.  That while we can't take this for her, we will always be here for her.
And that gets me back to the "praise you in the storm" title.  This is our current life storm...we can choose to let it stop us and get us stuck, or we can praise God in the midst of it, allowing Him to carry us through it.  I will praise Him in this storm!

Goals

Sensory processing disorder very often leaves Banana feeling defeated. At 11, she struggled with feeling as if there is no sense in trying and that life is too hard. We've recently discovered that the sensory overload that she deals with on a daily basis can cause that. 

So setting goals for herself is a new thing. Where before she felt defeated before she even started trying new things, we are working really hard to just keep trying or keep practicing or just keep doing it until it no longer seems so scary. 

Now, I will be the first to admit that I do not always believe something is going to happen either...especially when it comes to fundraiser a. But this year, for whatever reason, she decided she really wanted to sell enough major saver cards to earn a limo ride. And rather than blowing it off as a fundraiser gimmick, in light of everything else going on, I decided to support and encourage her in this. She came up with a sales pitch, because she truly appreciated the extra perks that came with the card this year...namely the buy an adult ticket, get a kids ticket to LegoLand. Because she really really wants to go there. 

Here's how convincing she has been...she talked her dad into buying two. Another gal had already bought one from her own child and bought another from Banana to help her reach her goal. She even talked two of her Bo's into changing their minds. Not because the fundraiser was the best deal around, but because it was the first time she ever pushed herself way past her comfort zone, on her own, to work towards a goal. And it was incredible to watch. 

Her dad pitched in and helped her with the first five, and she got the last five on her own. I wish you could have seen her when she realized she had truly done it. And then today, in the car, she looked at me and said, "next year I just might go for selling 20".   This is so huge for her and I am so proud of her!

Now, I really understand the way this made her feel. I've been working on dreaming bigger and stretching my own faith muscles this year. Trusting God with everything, especially my kiddos. And this Christmas season, I set a goal for my friends and acquaintances that was beyond anything I could do on my own. And as God is making it all fall into place and actually happen, it is reinforcing the things He has been teaching me all year...that He truly cares about the things that I care about; that He wants to be my best friend, husband, and provider; that He loves me more then I can ever comprehend; and that He is enough and wants to use me and help me to dream big. And I am just grateful and overwhelmed. In a good way. 

Just have to vent (my apologies)...

There are so many hard things about Sensory Processing Disorder.
But outside of the hard of watching your daughter struggle...the hardest thing for me is the words of other adults...especially when its ones who should want the best for her.  Comments about how if I just parented different, or if she wasn't so manipulative, or "I don't care what you call it, acting like that is not okay".  Just makes me want to pull my hair out and bawl like a baby.  And she is trying SO HARD.  Especially around those that she just wants to please...namely the male figures in her life. 
Just a few words, and they truly make her feel like a failure and that there is no hope.
This is NOT how I want my daughter to grow up.
I do NOT want her to think that she is a problem.  Yes, she has struggles.  Yes, there is not a lot of awareness out there about SPD.  Yes, adults say a lot of things, thinking that they are being helpful, when they don't even know how little they actually know.  But when you can literally shatter my daughter, right in front of me...THAT IS NOT OKAY WITH ME.
Instead of telling her everything she is doing wrong...please start noticing the things that she is doing right.  Please see her for the precious little girl that she is...the one that is fighting so hard to adapt to her surroundings in the midst of sensory overload.
And while you are at it, please allow my other daughter the chance to grieve.  Don't make fun of her for being super quiet right now, while she fights not to cry in front of you.  She is broken hearted about losing one of her favorite married couple examples in her life.  Making fun of her or getting onto her for being moody does NOT help her.  And she always works so hard to be there for everyone else and not show her emotions.  I am trying my hardest to allow my girls to start feeling and acknowledging their emotions.  Do not belittle them for having emotions.  We were created as girls for a reason.
Okay...thanks for indulging me a few moments of emotional outburst.  (and yes, I catch the irony there).

Celebrating small victories

Around here, we genuinely try to celebrate the little victories, no matter how small they might seem to those around us.  Today would be a great example of one of those.
Today was PE day...if you have read some of the other posts, you know that that means not wearing the beloved, and comfortable cowboy boots.  Something that causes a sensory meltdown at the mere idea of putting on the tennis shoes and trying to get the pants comfortably tucked into them (she won't wear short tennis shoes...only the ones that go most of the way up her lower leg, and pants have to go inside the shoes, not outside). 
While she hates having to wake up in the morning, and never gets quite as much sleep as she wants, she does better on the mornings where she gets up on her own and starts a project or something in her room...this morning, I have no clue what she was working on, but even tho we were running late (I'm still not feeling the best, after having been sick for going on a week now), she still just sat herself on the floor, and put those dreaded shoes on without a single meltdown. 
It has helped both of us out quite a bit to know more of what is going on...what is the underlying cause of things.  She gives herself more slack, and I am finally becoming more patient/relaxed about it myself.  So when we have those moments of small victories, we now know to just enjoy this moment, for what it is...today's little victory.  It doesn't mean that we won't struggle on the next PE day, it just means that this morning we went to school without a meltdown.  And we will take it!

How do you know?

One of the things that makes me feel like a bad mom the fastest, is illness. She struggles daily before school and often complains of a stomach ache. So yesterday, I asked her to try to see how long she could make it at school, because I honestly couldn't tell if she wasn't feeling good, or just didn't want to go to school. I wasn't feeling the best either. After dropping her off, I ran a few errands and then fell asleep on the couch. 

I got a phone call at almost one saying she had been in the nurses office twice and just looked miserable. As soon as I picked her up and brought her home, she fell asleep curled up by me on the couch. When she woke up she looked at me, said she couldn't hear out of her right ear and that she thought she had another ear infection. 

Two hours later, we had seen the nurse practitioner at the minute clinic, who looked at her ear and said "she definitely has an ear infection", we got meds and headed back home. 

Sometimes she can truly verbalize what's going on (she's got a 100%accuracy record of telling me if she has strep or an ear infection), but other times she cannot verbalize it. But I felt cruddy for sending her to school...although she was pretty proud of herself for making it to lunch time. And antibiotics help her bounce back pretty quick...wish I felt as much better this morning as she does, but thankful that she does!

The dreaded day of the week...PE day

Around here, PE day is almost a bad word. Solely because it means she has to wear her tennis shoes. 

The thing she has always struggled with the most is shoes. She gets used to the way one pair feels, and that's all she wants to wear. In summer time, it's a single pair of flip flops, and when we wear them out it truly seems like the end of the world as we fight to find another pair that fits ok. Right now, it's a pair of cowboy boots. The only thing is, boots aren't allowed on the gym floor. At her old school her pair of tall soft leather like boots were allowed for PE day...but not in the new school district. The pair of shoes she picked at the beginning of the school year were similar to last year's tennis shoes, tall zip up canvas shoes...but this year's Target version was covered in sequins and doesn't have the give and flexibility of last years, or the loose fit of the cowboy boots. She absolutely hates them and it sends her into a defeated meltdown everytime she has to put them on. 

On top of it being PE day today, we overslept after our 2:30 am wake up call from our older dog who got sick. While we enjoyed the chance to see the snow, it was a bit of a struggle to get back to sleep, and then the snooze on the alarm clock decided not to work this morning. So we had the shoe meltdown on a morning we didn't have time for one. Not that mornings ever have time for meltdowns. 

I have to admit though, now that I know the meltdowns truly are due to the SPD, I don't take them as personally. I still wish that I could do this for her so that she didn't have to struggle with it, but it doesn't cause me to instantly feel like a failure anymore. I wish I knew of a way to make shoes easier for her, but I am thankful for the knowledge we are gaining about the true cause of the meltdowns and knowing that the meltdown allows her to stop all the messages that overload her brain so that she can move on with her day. I guess in a kind of twisted way, the meltdowns are a blessing if you remember that after she is ok and able to go on with her day. Never thought I would find a positive to them...hmmm...

Meltdowns

I think the hardest thing about the meltdowns is that to me, they seem to come from nowhere. And she cannot express, most often, why she is even upset. 

She just accidentally hurt me, and I said ow. Not even loud or mean. Just ow. Meltdown. And come to think of it, there are often meltdowns after hurting someone. Rather than say sorry or I didn't mean to, like I would do, she reacts as if she just committed the worst thing ever and her world ended. 

It's so hard to know what to do in those instances. Walk away and let her cry it out, force her to let you hold and comfort her, try to reassure with words she acts like she's not listening to. Its so different for her then the way it is for me. 

I guess that's why we are on this journey. To help us better understand how things affect her, and to get her help to be able to live in a way that is more doable and fun.  

I hope that she will be able to truly know how loved she is and wanted and to feel like she actually likes life. To know that she is different but not defeated. That it can be a gift to see, feel, things so sensitively...despite the hardness of it. 

Finding support

This morning, I decided to type Sensory Processing Disorder into facebook's search spot and see if it turned up anything.  I found this: https://www.facebook.com/sensoryprocessingdisorderparentsupport ... and lost an hour reading posts by other parents who face similar things to what we do at our house.
I cannot express what it means to me to know that we aren't the only ones dealing with this.  That others have struggled with hurtful things said to them by other parents who just assumed they were failing to control their child.  But most of all to be able to reach out and say, yes, I know how that feels.  Wow!
No, I am not any closer to getting Banana an appointment to get the ball rolling.  But we aren't the only ones facing this.
Yesterday, I got fairly frustrated because the doctor we were hoping to get to see seems like its a dead end, so we still don't have a new pediatrician yet.  And Banana had a full meltdown over a timed typing exercise in class...where she felt like there was no way she could do it or ever get a good grade for this.  That it was hopeless.  For a mom whose favorite thing is hope, its so hard to see my 11 year old struggle feeling as if life is hopeless.  I sat on her bed with her and just held her while she bawled, feeling like she had disappointed her teacher, and that she would never get typing in the traditional way, not pecking at the keys.  I tried to be reassuring, and I told her she could practice on my computer, that we would find her games to do.  After the meltdown, she came out and very timidly asked me if there really were games to help with that, and I was able to find some and she got so very excited when she was able to get 12 words in a minute with no mistakes.
It really is the little triumphs and finding support, that make it all worth while.  Every time she smiles, it melts my heart.  Because a smile for her is so much more then just her face moving...she reserves her smiles for the people she loves, or for those little triumphs in life.  Things that most of us would take for granted, but that for her are huge.
So we keep fighting!

Day 2 of phone calls

Yesterday, things were hopeful that we could just go straight to Children's Mercy to get diagnosed and started with Integration therapy.  Today, the phone call was returned and there is most definitely a process of hoops to jump through.  In order for her to get into the Children's Mercy program, she has to have an order from an occupational therapist.  In order to get to see an occupational therapist, she needs an order from a doctor.  Since she doesn't get along with her current gruff, no bedside manner pediatrician we were assigned to, and because we were told we would outgrow this, so it stopped being mentioned at visits anyways, our current pediatrician has no idea of the struggles, and we have no history of it in her medical records except for way back when in Jefferson City when I first brought it to that pediatrician's attention in kindergarten.  And unfortunately, the gal I talked to at children's mercy has no idea of any psychologists who take her insurance that would be able to make the diagnosis for us either. 
It feels as if we are at square one, again, with a slight glimmer of hope.  Yesterday, we at least were given a list of four female pediatricians that we could see if she actually gets along with...so I guess we start there.  Trying to get her into a doctor's office that we actually would go to, rather than always running to CVS Minute Clinic instead (and our favorite nurse practitioner there just moved to Lee's Summit anyways). 
I just wrote a post on Facebook in an effort to keep up my motivation to keep going with this and not give up.  I am going to keep the fact that next year is middle school...which for her would be constant change...which we are well aware causes overload where everything seems insurmountable to her.  Its to the point, that we really need the help to find ways to cope/adjust better.  My post said I will not give up, I will not give up, I will not give up.  Sometimes it truly feels like I am fighting a battle to get her help...but I want my daughter to be able to thrive and be successful in each day...to see her be able to smile easier, and more often.  When you notice every single smile, and it brings tears to your eyes, because they are so rare in her world of feeling overwhelmed...it gives you some extra determination.  No 11 year old should feel like life is just too hard and you wanna give up.
So we keep going on this journey...we don't give up.  We fight to actually get her the help she needs to be able to adapt to the constant changes that life throws your way.  And we fight for those smiles!

Another chapter in our adventure

When my youngest daughter started having trouble before school, we had no idea the journey we would be going down, no clue of how long the struggles would effect her, no idea that the way things feel would be such a hard thing for her to handle. In fact, we were reassured repeatedly by her pediatrician that she would outgrow it and that it was just the way she was coping with change..,by controlling the one thing she could control.

Some mornings, it took me and the school nurse to get her dressed and to her classroom. Once she was there, she settled right into her day and was fine. Some mornings, she would be ready to go early, and content. Other mornings, the slightest thing...like putting on socks brought out temper tantrums like I couldn't believe. I treasured the good days and cried with her on the bad ones. I wasn't the best mom and sometimes I would react in tears and anger right along with her. Other times I was able to keep a calm, reassuring voice. 

I quickly discovered that we HAD to have socks without seams at the toes, or very small ones on the outside of the sock. That underwear had to have a certain elastic around its edges. That nothing could have a tag, be too tight or too loose, or hang down too far. Pants had to be a soft knit and elastic waistbands of a certain size were a must. Any shoes outside of soft tall boots or flip flops resulted in explosions. The best thing I discovered along this journey was that if she puts her clothes on the night before, she is used to the fit/feel by morning. She had three outfits she liked, and I did laundry every two days. 

As mom, I knew this wasn't just something she was choosing, or that she was acting out of manipulation, or that I could just wish this away. So God and I have spent many hours discussing the situation, with me pouring out my heart in tears wishing I could carry this one for her, and feeling as if we were the only ones fighting this battle. 

From every side, I have heard how its just me and my lack of parenting, that I'm an over indulgent mom, that she just has behavior issues and I need to stick to my guns and break her down, that I just need to try harder. 

This was our constant, behind the scenes battle for most of kindergarten through 2nd grade, where she also faced more change in her life then some people do over their entire life...which just brought out more fits and frustration with fit and feel. 

Then in third grade, things had settled into a new normal, and she was in the bigger kid wing of the school. She had built up a pretty good relationship with some of the staff and felt more secure. The hard days were so few that when they popped up it felt devastating because we had sort of forgotten how bad it could get. I wondered if her original pediatrician had been correct and if she had outgrown it. And I was thankful for her good days. And when she was on roller skates, it was as if she had no struggles at all...she could just be a kiddo enjoying life. The trampoline was another activity that just allowed her to be herself.  Third and fourth grade, even after a move in the last two months of fourth grade, were much calmer for her...and the few tricks we had learned along the way were helpful. 

Then fifth grade. All summer she dreaded it, scared that she would be behind.  Which seemed so crazy because she is brilliantly smart and never had any trouble catching right on after being out sick (and she has had steep throat and ear infections often enough that perfect attendance has never been an option). The nightmares and sleep walking started up again, separation anxiety became overwhelming to her again, shoes became things she hated. Everything began to throw her and she started commenting that she hated life and it was too hard. She would cry herself to sleep, and I would do the same. And by this point, I wasn't even talking about how bad it had gotten to anyone, because it was just too hard to hear all the comments that made me feel like I wasn't trying hard enough, my discipline methods were failing, and that I was failing her as her parent. Her older sister and I just tried to be here for her and help the best we could scramble to do. And her teacher has been amazing at sensing when she is overloaded and needs a bit. 

On top of all the changes that happen in fifth grade, trying to get them ready for middle school, this year has been a bit rough with other changes...struggles with relationships, knowing one of her favorite adults was stabbed, feeling as if everyone was going to walk away from her eventually, just to name a few. Reassurances didn't help much and the clothes and shoes issues escalated so much that there have been times we haven't been at school on time...something that's never happened before this year. 

I finally started letting people in a little more. Telling people what it was like around here in the mornings. Allowing myself to cry on people's shoulders. Not trying to be strong all by myself. And sometimes, I got the same reactions that I dreaded hearing that just made me feel like a failure. But I also got challenged. To start researching and seeking help so this doesn't continue to negatively impact her ability to function. And then right after the challenge, I was "introduced" to a mom who face similar struggles with her daughter. She encouraged me more then she will ever know and right after getting off the phone I finally allowed myself to start investigating things..,to not be scared of her being labeled but seeking ways to help her cope/adapt. 

I knew she struggled with her senses and had heard the term sensory disorder. And oh the encouragement from researching it. Sensory processing disorder. According to the checklist, the only sense she doesn't react to in extremes is taste. The other four, she has struggles in. The extreme fits and tantrums are caused by neuron overload as her senses shoot up so many messages to the brain that she just can't handle it and the tantrums erupt. She isn't choosing this, it's something she will have to learn to adapt to and cope with off and on for her entire life. There is a reason for the struggles. 

But there's also hope. We live in a city, now...after a three hour move...that has multiple Children's Mercy Hospitals. All three of the ones by us have sensory integration therapy. We aren't the only ones facing this type of struggle. That means the world to this momma!  More then I could express in type. 

So, today we began our newest journey...the one to get this precious girl the help she needs to no longer allow her struggles to confine her or leave her feeling defeated. Calls were made all afternoon trying to get her a pediatrician in this area that understands her struggles and actually cares, and to get the ball rolling to get an official diagnosis so that she can get into the integration therapy. I was able to leave a message with the people who can get that ball rolling for us. 

This has been going on for long enough now that even just knowing the little bit that I have discovered already has helped me to react calmer, to remember she didn't choose this and isn't reacting that way on purpose, that this is a very overwhelming struggle. I hope I am becoming a stronger person for her and that I will not give up until she is truly getting the help she needs to be able to thrive despite the sensory overload. I hope I can help her to believe in herself and to find that life can be a joyful adventure. Because this is the adventure and journey that we are on!

Welcome to our journey. 

Over 14 years

It's been over fourteen years since my last job interview.  Before that, I had put in five years at Half Price Store, now known as Gordman's, but needed a job in Moberly, MO.  I had plenty of experience and was hired on the spot after my interview, at Family Dollar.  I worked there until right before getting married.  We were pregnant soon after the wedding, and I wasn't a very good pregnant person, and I have been mom ever since.  Now scattered among all that, I had my own business that a friend trained me for and helped me get started, doing virtual tours and real estate photography for some great realtors at ReMax in Jefferson City.  I also put in two Christmas seasons helping unload trucks, price toys, and stocking shelves at KBToys store before they went out of business...but for that one, I didn't interview either, because I knew the manager.  My current job, I work for one of my best friends, as her assistant at a small office, and I was hired without an interview for that position, as well as for the one I do on the side for them taking their real estate pictures.  So, its been a really long time.
I wish there was a way to truly account for the many skills that a mom and home manager possesses.  Especially if you add in the sewing skills, clothing construction, wedding gowns and quilts and bags made.  Being able to cope with change on a daily basis as well as the big huge earth shattering changes.
Since my last interview, I have owned my own part time businesses.  I have paid all the monthly bills for home and business for 14 years.  I have given of myself to my children.  I have volunteered big time hours to my local men's roller derby team.  I have taken some family pics.  I have made at least four different wedding gowns for different people, and all the bridesmaid ones for one of those weddings as well.  I have gone back to school and finished my degree, at the top of my class.  I have learned to be a better person with sees the good in things and finds things to be thankful for even in earth shattering moments.  I have learned to trust God and His goodness and love for me in oh so many settings.  I have grown as a friend and a mom.
Hopefully, I have also grown in confidence in who I am.  And hopefully it will show.
I may be injured, again, but I want to go into this interview in His confidence, knowing that no matter what happens, I did my best for Him and exploring all the options that He puts in front of me.

In defense of skating

I've experienced a LOT of teasing this year about roller skating because of two big injuries that happened from falling while skating. But there are so many reasons I kept going back as soon as I could. 

The most important one is my daughter. She is eleven and has dealt with sensory disorder since she was in kindergarten. In a way, it's how her inner self coped with outside circumstances beyond her control. It can send her into a tailspin of hopelessness and defeated living faster then I can say I love you. And no matter how hard I pray that she could find freedom from its hold on her, it continues to be her very real struggle. It truly effects her success in life most mornings, transforming a joyful spirit into a full out meltdown at the thought of having to put shoes on, or changing an outfit. We've discovered along the way, the necessity of changing the night before and allowing her to sleep in the clothes so that by morning she is used to the way it fits and rubs and touches her skin. But I have yet to discover a way to get around the shoe part of the morning. And it often leaves us both feeling destroyed before we even truly start the day. It's easier on days we don't have to go to school, because then she can take her time with it, or she can wear her cowboy boots without worrying about if its a pe day. Anyways, that gives you a glimpse into our daily struggles with this...back to where skating comes in. 

When we are at the skating rink, she is able to forget, or move past, or whatever, the struggles she has with fit and feel and just is a carefree 11 year old who is having fun with her mom. Truly. She literally rushes to tighten the laces, stretch out, and then just be in the moments. Even when she's not skating, she's in an environment where she is known and accepted and can just be. It's truly like seeing the side of her that I wish everyone got the privilege of seeing. She's joyful and carefree and living towards others. It's truly priceless and it's where she comes alive. Where she pushes her own abilities and tries new skills until she masters them, like cross overs and getting super low for the limbo. She doesn't assume it's hopeless or comment that she can't. She tries and tries until she gains victory. She holds my hand and smiles up at me with that melt a mommas heart look of pure enjoyment and love on her face. For two hours every Tuesday night she loves life more then she dreads it. 

That reason, more then any other, is why I push myself so hard and skate right after an injury is healed enough for me to be cleared. Why I kept going back even tho I kept getting hurt. Why I could listen to hours of ribbing and teasing and insist that I wasn't going to stop. That's what I am losing by giving up my skates after killing my knee yet again. It's not really the skating, it's the chance to be with my daughter when she isn't feeling defeated and hopeless...the one time a week that she is her happiest. 

At all times

This scripture has sometimes been overwhelming to me, and other times it is something that challenges me.  To be cheerful and thankful no matter what happens, and pray all the time, is not the easiest thing to accomplish.  But I have discovered it makes a HUGE difference in my life.  I have learned that I have control over my reactions, and when I choose to find the positives among the hards, and to be thankful in the midst of the challenges, changes my entire outlook on life.
God doesn't want us to be miserable or confused.  He wants to help us to be cheerful in all things, thankful no matter what is happening around us, and in prayer with Him constantly because that is when we are most powerful and useable.  That's when His grace and mercy shine through us in amazing ways.  That is when people look at what we have and wonder what they are missing out on.  That's when we have incredible opportunities to share what He is doing in our lives.
I know what it is like to go through some hard things.  I have lived a life that has had some unspeakable things happen in it.  But through out it all He is still God, He never changes, and He is still good.  How can I say that, even as I am walking through yet another heart breaking season of life.  Because His promises for me are still true, and I can see His hand at work in the midst of it all.  Are we struggling right now? yes.  Do we cry easier right now then normal? Yes.  But we are also watching closer to see what He is doing...and as we watch, we are getting to see Him use our pain to come alongside others who are struggling...use our pain to make us grow more in Him...using our pain to help us pray more often together and ask that His will be done.  And honestly, that is priceless...and redeems the pain in my eyes.  It doesn't make the pain any less real and raw...but it makes it worth it!  God is GOOD!  all the time...in all things.

To my best friend...

Dear friend,
You know we are going to make it, right?  That this is just another mountain to climb and conquer.  And once we get to the top, we will be at a much healthier, more God-honoring spot.  That He will see us through this and receive all the glory.
Trust me, I know it hurts right now.  We were two peas in a pod, and our lives were so very intertwined.  Nights like last night, its so raw and painful that I just go home and sob until I cry myself sick-- literally.  But we are still in transition.  Still fighting to find balance and health.
I still pray for you every day.  Maybe even harder now then I did before.  God keeps reassuring me that He has a plan and a purpose for all of this pain and heartache.  That He won't waste a second of it.  All of this has driven me straight into His arms with a craving for more of Him then I have ever experienced before, and I pray the same for you.
Each time I catch a glimpse of your pain, it tears me to the core, knowing the role I played in causing this pain.  I never meant to hurt you.  I only ever have wanted to see you be happy.  Its so hard to watch right now, because you don't seem to be doing any of the stuff that makes you smile.  I miss hearing you talk about all the ways you are serving God and doing things for others...that's where you truly are happiest.  I miss hearing and making you laugh.  I miss all the random stories, tidbits, and jokes.
I still believe that we brought the best out of each other.  We made a great team that God used to get things done.  You helped me to lose my need to be so scheduled and helped me want to learn and do new things.  You helped me learn to trust again.  You have always been a blessing -- even when I was confused.  You helped me to always remember that God is in charge and dreams big for me.
I hope I was good for you, too  We loved watching as you began to smile and laugh more.  Rejoiced with you over accomplishments and blessings.  A lot of our favorite memories over the last two years have you in the middle of them.
We are amazed by the man we've seen God create in you and appreciate the chance to watch as He has brought you some healing and a renewed sense of purpose and wholeness again.  And it kills me to think that my lack/failures may have set you back a few steps.
I don't have a clue what the future holds or if we will still be close after we scale this very rough season.  But I know without a doubt that God has some crazy big plans for your life and that He is even now preparing you to step into the potential He put into you when He created you and chose you to be His son.
I pray the best for you.  I pray His blessings over all aspects of your life.  And no matter what, I will always cherish the moments where our paths crossed.
May you always grow in the grace and knowledge of the One who will always love you more than humans can comprehend!
Your friend,
Becky

Why does feeling overwhelmed ignite desire to run?

In a time where the government is shut down due to arguing adults that can't come to decisions, and people who are hurting cause pain to themselves and those around them, overwhelmed feelings run rampant.  The reaction to feeling overwhelmed has many many different faces/choices, causes ripple effects that can blow you away.  (this post in no way is trying to be political...just pointing out something that is causing a lot of people to feel overwhelmed).
In our own lives, those effected directly by the government shut down, or by any number of factors that trigger the feeling of overwhelmed-ness, we make choices every time we react.  My reflex in overwhelmed moments is to want to RUN.  And there is quite a bit happening in my personal life that has me overwhelmed.  Struggles, unknowns, friends who are upset at you and lashing out without even realizing it, bumpy roads of what is best/healthiest for my little family, and the overwhelming, always-there, underlying knowledge that my girls have to live with the choices and decisions I make. 
That by itself, can sometimes keep me grounded, and keep me from running.  Because I am supposed to be guarding their hearts and protecting them to the best of my ability.  The people I chose to hang out with, my children end up being with.  The places I go, they go with me.  The emotions I feel, they end up feeling too.  While this can be a lot of pressure, its also a great motivator to keep growing, seeking God, and trying to stay on the path He knows is best for me.
But in this journey of life, we are not guaranteed that the people around us now will still be on our path later.  If we are actively growing, and moving forward, that momentum actually moves us down our path.  Relationships are often seasonal.  Because of free will, not everyone is moving...forward or backward on their path.  It causes a feeling of being walked away from at times.  But in the effort to keep growing and being on God's path, there is movement.  And you cannot drag your friends with you if they don't want to move.  I am a firm believer in letting people move at their own pace...but the hurt that accompanies moving away from friends is very real.
Right now, I am fighting to bring balance and health back into our lives.  ANd in that fight, it seems to be moving me away from friends I hold very dear.  And I am hurting that they don't seem to want to walk the same path (for lack of a better way to put it) anymore.  But the desire to be healthy, to not get stuck, and to be open and surrendered to whatever God has for me is so strong.  Outside of continuing to pray, I don't see that I have any clear choices right now but to just let go.  And if you know me at all, that is NOT easy for me.  It feels like giving up.
But in all of this, God has said He is working.  For me to watch and see what He is doing.  So I also choose to trust.  With all of it.  Because He knows where everyone is.  He is God and I am not.  So...open hands...to whatever He wants to do.  Letting go.  Being silent and listening to Him.  Watching what He is doing.  Just being His.  And praying that His power will be present in my life, in my small groups, in my church, in my home, in my city, in this world we live in.  Prayer is powerful...and it overcomes my overwhelmed feelings and desire to run.

It's the Little things

When life pulls a switcheroo, and everything changes in the blink of an eye, for whatever reason, the little things become bigger...draw your attention more.  Because in those moments, there is hope, something to cling to, something to see as positive to get you passed the moment's struggle.
Lately, we have been trying to make sure we are celebrating the little things more, making sure they don't slip by unnoticed.  Because life is so very different right now.  Every day, I am trying to catch my thoughts before they run away with me or cause me to bawl at the drop of a hat.  To turn those thoughts to Christ and what He has done for me.
If I weren't trying so hard, I would be curled up in a ball on my bed, because this change hurts and feels in my face and like a chunk of me is missing.  I miss the easy way it was before I spoke up, although if I am being very honest with myself, there were days scattered among the easy that were beyond hard, too, I just didn't allow myself to dwell on them.  ANYWAYS...
In trying to celebrate the little things, today had some fun ones.
My best gal pal helped me to change my brake light so that I didn't have to pay the dealership $39 to change a light bulb.  Because to me, that is beyond ridiculous!
I walked into a room today, and a male acquaintance literally did a double take...looked at me talking to another person, looked away as if he was going to keep on going, and then looked back, and even said outloud "girl, you are looking great today" or something like that.  It was actually pretty humorous...and the most fun part about it, I didn't have a lick of make-up on and was in a t-shirt and jeans.  Now that is a fun moment!
Another "little" thing, that at this point in time is actually a big thing.  Ms. Banana got ready for school this morning AND in the car and into school without a major fit.  Or clinging in a moment of separation anxiety...the recent changes brought on a whole new round of separation anxiety that causes her to cling to me so much that just hearing me dig the keys out of my purse causes her to cry out in a wobbly "where are you going, mommy".
And I was able to get the invitations made and mailed out today for the big leap of faith God asked of me, that will hopefully result in some much needed reconciliation in my family after the big blow up last year.  I don't know if it will work or not, but He asked, and I am doing my best to do as He asked.  I've learned the hard way that obedience in those cases is always the best idea.  I really like this "little" thing that is a step towards a big thing.
What do you do to celebrate the little things?  Do you help your kiddos to learn the importance of taking time to celebrate and acknowledge them?  Have you noticed that celebrating them can change the mood you are in as it reminds you of blessings?
It's almost Thanksgiving time of year again...one of my favorites...and celebrating the little things also helps me to have a grateful attitude, which is one of the fastest pick-me-ups I know of.

Choice: to look at the storm or at the Son

Today, we were enjoying the backyard, the cooler weather, and a bonfire.  It's been an roller coaster of emotions as we seek balance again, and life has been tough.  In fact, while I was bawling my eyes out during worship today, it reminded me a lot of the crazy emotional overload right after the divorce.  At that point in time, I couldn't make it through a single song without bawling and had friends that would just put their arm around me and let me cry as the words of the songs, and the depth of Christ's love for me, would wash over my brokenness.  I realized today that I am pretty much that raw and broken again and it truly shook me up. 
But brokenness isn't a bad thing...and God helped me see that this afternoon.  It doesn't feel good, but in the midst of it, He has my full attention.  He can very easily grow me and build me into what He wants me to be because I am seeking Him more fully.  He has this amazing opportunity to shine through my brokenness in a way that others can see, and the glory goes to Him alone.  Not only that, but I am also listening more closely to what He is saying to me as I beg Him to heal the brokenness once again and make me a vessel He can truly use. 
I was looking at the sky when I was journaling, and from the viewpoint I could see from my chair, it looked like a storm was coming through.  All grey, overcast, with clouds that take up the whole sky but aren't pretty or fluffy.  But then I saw that not far from me was sunshine.  So I got out of my chair to be able to see what had been over my shoulder the whole time.  And on that side, the viewpoint was completely different.  By turning around, I could see some amazing bright white clouds that looked regal and majestic.  The sun was shining bright and the sky was a gorgeous blue.  God spoke to me right there... "daughter of Mine, there are always two ways to look at things.  You can choose to focus on the hards/bad/storms, or you can turn yourself around and look at the beauty/happies/blessings/Son.  It's a choice, much like the way I react.  And it greatly effects my reactions.
When I choose to look at the blessings of life, and what He is doing in and around me, my focus changes and it shifts my entire outlook and emotions.  It puts me back to focusing on Him and being expectantly hopeful.  I'm not saying its easy by any means, but its possible.  And the more I look to Him, depend on Him, seek Him, listen for His voice, the less I am effected by the ups and downs of life...the more I am reassured that He's got this and is working...the more I trust Him with the hard things.
I think this blog has become a place to remind myself of what I am learning...what He is doing...and how I can just focus on being His daughter and letting Him take care of it all.  He has a plan...for each of us...and a purpose that He created us for...a ministry that makes our heart sing and shows Him to the world.  And as we seek Him, He reveals that to us and uses us in ways we could have never thought possible.  True hope!

Secret Name

So, in the last week I read a book that talked all about how God has these secret names for us that remind us of the potential and power that we find in Him alone.  And that each of us have different "secret names" and the only person who can tell us our secret name is God.  That He tells us in order to build us up, whispers it to our heart, and we have to listen and choose to believe, and He will use that name to help us when we are down, remind us of who we are in Him, what He wants to do in our lives, give us something personal to cling to...etc. 
Before I go any further, I need to share one small piece of background that is slightly important.  I love Mandisa...I think she has an amazing witness and writes powerful songs that mean the world to people.  I applaud her for the creativity she has and the way God is using her.  And I have absolutely NOTHING against her newest single Overcomer.  It's an amazing song, with powerful lyrics.  It just was talked about so much before hand, it seems like it is played on my favorite station every hour, but my biggest problem is I just don't want to like the song.  I have an attitude problem.
You see, I am tired of being strong or being thought of as strong.  I am just plain tired.  I don't want to be this tired, cranky, overcome person.  I don't want to be negative or bitter.  I just want to be happy and content where God has me.  I want to grow.  I don't want to be stuck.  And yet, that is a huge battle for me right now.  Every day (ask my accountability partners, they can vouch for this), I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other right now and do what has to be done.  I don't understand why things happen the way they do, I just keep begging God to remind me that He hasn't changed, He still has plans for me, and He is working even when I can't see it.  And boy is He faithful to do this.
Anyways, back to the secret names thing.  The book encouraged me to be real and broken before God and allow Him to whisper to my soul.  And I thought, perfect timing to read this book, God, because I am laying here at Your feet, face down, broken.  You know the point, when everything you thought you knew ended up being not as true as you thought, or the complete opposite of what it appeared to be.  That kind of moment.  I ate the book up.  There were just so many parts of it that resonated deep down.  I didn't have the guts to ask God for my secret name.  But there was one word repeatedly whispered to me, as I read, the thought of it had already been there for quite awhile before this just phrased in a different manner...I have heard myself say "I always bounce back".  because time and time again I have seen God carry me through and help me bounce right back.  The one word, and He still is repeating it to me...Overcomer.  He's made me an overcomer...He has made it possible for me to continue to overcome...He even had me read all these verses in Revelation that talked about those who overcome.  Before I even read the Secret Name book, I was already in the process of reading Revelation and circling the word overcome, every time I ran across it...which was a lot.
Because I am human, there's that part of me that balks.  Even as I have chills at the realization He was already working on telling me this before I even knew to listen for it.  Being an overcomer comes with a cost.  It already has.  There is so much in my story that He has had to seriously carry me through because no one can walk this stuff on their own...they need Him and the people He uses in their lives to see them through events like that, and there have been many in my story.  I often tell a very abridged version of my story when sharing, because I don't want the looks of shock or pity or wow, I can't believe you have been through one of those things let alone more than one.  As a human being, I would love the excuse to stop trying...to just spend a whole day or more in bed and not keep fighting to move forward.  But along with the cost, there is privilege.  The honor of seeing my story redeemed as He uses it to help someone else who is struggling through one of those tough life events.  The honor of letting Him shine through every facet of the story He has allowed me to live, to share Him and what He can do through every one of those moments and how He helps us come to the other side of it stronger then we started. 
Yeah, I am TIRED.  This road is tough.  I have cried more in the last 10 days then I probably have in 4 years.  I have a crazy life story.  But I also was chosen by Someone who loves me in a crazy, unfathomable way, and never tires of writing my story for me...and adding twists and plots that bless my socks off and help me to remember what He is doing for me.  He makes me an Overcomer...because that is what I am IN HIM.  He chooses to use me in all my broken and messed-up-ness.  He arranges for every single thing I need.  He chose me to be His.

Confused...I just don't understand

There is so stinking much about life and relationships that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
There is so much about protecting oneself that I don't understand or agree with.
There are so many decisions made by the "higher ups" that I don't get or know how to even figure out.
I don't understand how you give up on someone you care about or just walk away.
There is just so many unknowns in life.

I do realize that hurting people hurt people.
I realize that leaders try to make the best decisions for the majority that they can with the info they have.
I realize that we are all human and we are just trying to make the best of things and keep moving forward.
I realize that its so easy to get stuck.
I realize that silence is sometimes easier than saying a thing.
I realize that often life just hurts.

But it seems like there should be more that could be done.
That grace and mercy should be fought for and freely given.
That forgiveness is of utmost importance.
That we should be careful because so much can come across as judgmental and sometimes people are hanging on by a thread that we can so easily chop without meaning to.
That life is sometimes so hard.
And that when we are broken, its easier to see when others are too, but when we are confident or haven't faced very many challenges ourselves, its easier to have unrealistic expectations.

The knowns that exist even in a world of unknowns:
God is still God...He's still in control...He's already won the victory...He feels our brokenness with us... He enables us to move past our brokenness and yet still use it in the lives of others...He gave us mercy, grace, and forgiveness so freely and challenges us to do so with ALL those we come in contact with...HE IS LOVE...He's the same yesterday, today, and forever...He's willing to walk every step of this with us...He heals our broken hearts...He is the reason we can see the best in others despite what they might have done against us, and to offer forgiveness...He put unlimited potential in each of us that we can tap into with His help and touch on our lives...when we choose to live for Him, there is everlasting, overcoming, expectant hope.

I may not have a clue what tomorrow will bring, or how I am going to even get to tomorrow, but I know the author of ALL my tomorrows and I choose to rest in that.  He WILL see me through.

Choices

Everyday we make choices and don't even think twice about them.
When to make ourselves get out of bed...how to react to the fussy preteen before school...where our focus is going to be...whether we lash out when we have been hurt or remain quiet.
That's a big one for me this week.
I found out about a decision that was made by a friend of mine, that potentially has huge ramifications for me.  But its their decision to make.  While it broke my already hurting heart, the way I react is completely my responsibility.  I could make an already tough situation harder by lashing out, or expressing the pain, or making the other person hurt more, too.  Or I can take it all to God, reach out to my accountability partners to help me monitor my reactions, and choose to look for ways to improve me, to build me up in God so these kinds of things don't rock my world so hard. 
I spent the day walking the dogs, eating lunch with my daughter, and reading the book Your Secret Name: discovering who God created you to be by Kary Oberbrunner. 
See, the thing is, I want to grow...closer to Him and closer to others.  I don't want to injure anyone.  I don't want to make someone hurt more.  I just want God to feel free to shine through me even in times that I am barely functioning and the whole world looks topsy turvy. 
There is already too much hurt in the world.  Too many labels and baggage that comes from those labels.  I long to see myself the way that He sees me, to live in the potential He put inside me.  To live in His victory.  To be confident, and expectantly hopeful.
I don't know why we have to go through hard times in life.  I don't know why its human tendency to hurt those closest to us.  I don't know why boundaries are so vital to living healthy, or why they are easier to break then to keep.  But I know the God who delights in writing my life story.  Who can take the very worst of situations and turn them into things that speak of Him and what He is capable of.  I know that He has never changed even when it feels like everything I know has changed.  I know Him because He has promised that as I cling to Him, He draws near to me.  As I seek Him, He makes Himself known.  So I am seeking, and I am clinging.  And I am trusting that He is working His plan for all of this, and that it will be good.  Because He is who He has told us He is.  He chooses to speak to us.  He delights in us and in helping us through all that this life brings our way.  He loves me/us.  So much that He gave us His one and only Son.  To bridge the gap...so we could know Him.  Wow!
That kind of never-ending powerful hope comes only from Him!  And it will always be there!  for us!

Fear of the Unknown

I guess God is trying to move me past any and all fear of the unknown.  To figure out how to cling so tight to Him, and lean so hard into Him, that there is no room for fear or worry of everything that is up in the air.  I have no clue what life is supposed to look like right now.  But I also have this crazy sense that its all going to be okay.  Different...by far...but okay.
I know who holds my life in the palm of His hand.  I know who loves me like no one else ever could.  I know that He is loving the freedom to write my life story the way that He knows is best.  I know that the plans He has for me are so far above and beyond anything I could have come up with on my own.  I know all of that beyond a shadow of a doubt.
There is a lot of freedom in completely letting go and letting Him do whatever He wants.
It gives your heart a crazy peace.
It strengthens you.
It allows you to be a better person, happier, less weighed down by the weight of the world.
But it doesn't come automatically.  You have to want it and work for it.  Sometimes on a second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day basis.  But He has promised it will always be worth it...to choose Him.  To walk in obedience.  To be His alone.
To listen to His voice reassuringly say, "just wait and see what I do with this!"

Life is a process

I haven't written in here for months.  Life was super busy...meeting myself coming and going.  But life ebbs and flows.  We climb mountains and then slide down the other side before climbing the next one.  There is give and take.  Joys and sorrows.  All of that good stuff.
And in it all are mistakes to be made, lessons to learn, boundaries to form and struggle to maintain, friendships that struggle and thrive.
Today, everything just feels different.  Empty in a way.  Slightly overwhelming.  Different and quiet.
Yesterday I stood up for myself for the first time in so long I can't even remember when it happened before.  But in the process I hurt the feelings of a person that has been one of my closest friends.  As a human, and a female, I didn't do everything right.  And although I had tried to start this particular conversation many times, it was interrupted or postponed or not understood.  And we had gotten to where things weren't in the best interests of the people involved any more...misunderstandings abounded, emotions were out of whack, confusion was very there. 
I hate that I cannot seem to communicate in a way that the other person truly understands what I am trying to say.  I hate that I hurt feelings.  I hate that I don't really feel a resolution was found.  And that everything is different. 
As I have said before...I am human.  On top of that I can sometimes be an emotional female.  My feelings get hurt and most of the time I don't even let anyone know.  I have spent years just handing everything to God, without any communication happening between me and the other human involved.  I don't do everything right.  I mess up.  But boy do I try.  I want so hard to live a life that pleases Daddy God...that He can be proud of me.
Sometimes I wish I had all the answers.  I wish that I knew better how to protect the hearts entrusted to me...namely mine and the girls'.  I wish I was confident that I am doing enough, but not too much.  That I could freely love on all those around me without letting my emotions get the best of me.  That I knew how to make and keep good solid boundaries (and yes, I have taken the boundaries class and have the book). 
I know how to depend on God.  I know that He alone has all the answers and that the closer I get to Him, the easier it will be to live a life that is confident and bold, knowing who I am in Him.
But I still have hangups.  I discover regularly that I still have triggers I need to move past.  I stumble.  I find myself longing for things I don't have rather than counting my blessings and being thankful for what I have.  I am real.
I apologized last night.  It was never my intention to hurt.  But it was time for the things discussed to be discussed.  And I am so proud of the way it was handled by the other party...it was encouraging to see it done in a godly way.  To know the importance of figuring things out so that life could go on and a new chapter could be started.
Do I miss the way it was before yesterday?  Parts of it, after all we are talking one of my best friends here.  But the way we are moving forward should be healthier for all involved, and encourage growth.  I know my place now, and there is a lot of freedom in that.  And I have been reminded by Daddy constantly in the last 24 hours that He is asking me one thing... "wait and see what I do with this".  because He is at work in all things...He can make beauty out of all things.  He alone knows it all, sees it all, and is in control of it all.

when it's hard to hold on

In my little world, it was a super hard day because the youngest has an ear infection, and as a result was angry and screaming and lashing out all day.
In my bigger world, the one I live in but haven't even seen, it was a crazy hard day because of unfathomable violence, the kind that makes you want to tuck your kids in close and hide in the "safety" of your own home.  The kind of violence that makes you want to tell your loved ones that you love them and love having them around.
There are so many things about this life that are hard and beyond my understanding.  So many things that make me wonder why I keep trying.  But then, I remember that through it all, God is still stronger...He was not surprised at today's happenings, not the ones in my house or the ones in Boston.  He was there!  We can see Him through the actions of those who jumped in to help, those who stopped to pray, and in each heart that was heavy/burdened for Boston.  And He continues to be there as we lift each other up, seek Him for understanding and wisdom and strength, and as we keep moving forward one day at a time.
In the car this afternoon, my daughter (who suffered with incredible ear pain today and hearing issues that scared her enough that she was acting out) saw the rain drops on the windshield and commented that God was crying and His heart was breaking over the choices made today that hurt so many.  And then she said that she was surprised that it wasn't pouring...because that's how sad God was in her eyes.  She blew me away with her thought, and I said something to the effect that His pain is also visible in each one of us with a heavy heart and prayers for all those affected by this.
God gave us each free will.  And our choices affect so many more than we often know.  We have the choice to give up in the face of such tragedy, or cling to Him as our never-ending source of hope to be strong enough to keep going.
And I pray:  God, I don't understand why a God who loves as much as You do can "sit back" and allow stuff like this to happen.  But even in the middle of all the I-don't-understands, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that You are there and You care for me, and for each person on the face of the planet.  You know each heart and what they will do with their life.  You rejoice each time we turn to You.  I have read somewhere in the Bible that You know every tear I have cried and hold them in the palm of Your hand.  Boy, You are holding a lot of tears today.  You know pain...You watched Your Son die in an agonizing way, just like many people saw their loved ones suffering in agony today.  I am sure that once again, Your heart was breaking for the pain Your children were going through.  As JJ Heller's song says, "I don't know...I don't know what You're doing...but I know who You are".
 It's easier for me to say "I am not strong enough for this journey, You have too much confidence in me", then it is to say, "Here I am, use me, no matter what You have to bring me through on the way to where we are going".  But deep down, Daddy God, I do want to follow You wherever You may take me.  And I want to help others to know how much You love them...to get a glimpse of that through me.  To be a tool that You can use to point others to You and to encourage them along the way.
There are so many of us with heavy hearts and burdens today Lord.  Who feel close to our breaking points.  Who wonder why we should keep trying when the world can seem so dark and cold.  Please wrap Your arms around each person tonight who is facing challenges, heart ache, pain, struggles.  Help them to literally feel Your presence with them and to know that You are God.  That You are bigger than this.  That You love, more than we can comprehend.  Remind us of the good that is still there!  Fill us with Your hope, peace, and love.  And help us to reach out to each other.  In Your powerful name I pray, AMEN!

A New Chapter

It's been a long time since I have blogged...life has been crazy busy.
And now, I have a broken hand, and typing, while easier then writing, isn't comfortable for long.
The short update:  God is doing big things in our lives.  We are preparing for our big move to the house He provided.  Cowtown Butcher's season is about to start, and I am very much involved this year.  The girls are preparing for their last week at their current schools before transferring to the new ones, earlier than I had hoped for, but God truly knows best.  I have been working, almost all of this year, a job that God literally dropped into my lap.  And Toad and I are getting ready to start group training for a summer mission trip to Dallas Texas (that I really haven't started fundraising for).  That's the short version...
oh, and I became an aunt again...my baby sister had a baby girl.
I am excited to see what God has for our future...what He wants to do with it, what new friends/people He will bring into our lives, what He wants to do in and through us, and how we will be able to shine for Him.  I am also excited as I watch in hopeful expectation for the things He has said are coming soon...because each thing He does for me is so much better lined up for our best interests then anything I could dream up on my own.  The three of us, we are growing in leaps and bounds, getting older and becoming more His.  Wouldn't trade it for anything.  and oh so thankful!!!

Do you ever...

Do you ever have one of those days that are so full and fun and filled with great friends...the kind of day that you would love to have every day?  But then the very next day, everything seems hard, too much of a stretch, and way too quiet?  I know that many Mondays are like that...back to the grind, and work, and real life after a weekend.
I am really feeling this one this week.  The weekend was full of support from some great friends, helping me to work through an explosion of emotion on Friday night.  Then an amazing discussion in small group Sunday morning, lunch with some of my favorite people, and super bowl party and reuniting with an "old" friend in a way that almost feels like no time has passed.  Being able to help out in a time of need.  And just kicking back with the family of friends God has put in my life.
So I shouldn't have been surprised when this morning's house hunt felt overwhelming and full of pressure.  And it wasn't the houses fault, or my realtor's (God bless this woman abundantly!!!).  Its the fact that as a single mom, my decisions can alter my girls' lives in a good way or bad way, but ultimately my responsibility to make good choices, depend fully on God to give me wisdom, and to be careful to make sure we aren't overextended.  And then I come home, already having no clue how to think/feel/act, can't get a hold of the guy that is helping me try to get a preapproval, don't know whether I liked the house because it was just cute and in great shape or because it would be a good fit for us (and it wasn't quite as many square feet as I was hoping for, but at the tiptop of my price range), and sat down to pay the bills for the month.  And the brain says it was a great house, but I would be a lot more comfortable with it if I was working full time, rather than part time. 
I am trying so hard to walk in obedience to what I feel God is asking of me...and I am looking at houses, leaving it all in His hands, and watching to see what He is going to do next so that I can follow.  I am trying not to dwell on how hard it is to try to make a big decision like this by "myself" without someone to verbally go back and forth with me about pros/cons.  ANd I am trying oh so hard not to live in fear...of making the wrong choice, or of a 30 year commitment/debt.
Stressing about it doesn't help anything, and makes my asthma symptoms flare up horribly.  I know that I know that I know, that God has a perfect plan, and will reveal each step for me, when it is time.  So, I am not making any rash decisions, and I will wait to hear from Him.  After all, He provides my finances!

Why are we always so scared of change?

I don't know what it takes to stop fearing change.
But I want to stop.
I don't want to fear the changes that come with life and growing and getting older.
I want to embrace them.
Let them be used by God to encourage others.
be open to it and accepting.
One day at a time.
Starting today!
I want to live a life that has the attitude of "bring it on"
You know why?
Because He has never failed me.
He has never brought me to change, without first enabling me to handle it, accept it, grow from it, and thrive because of it.
So, why would I choose to let fear have any hold on me.
No matter what...HE WILL SEE ME THROUGH.
So.  Bring it!

Making the old into something new/improved.

This is my grandpa's old coffee table.  It has a lot of sentimental value to me, regardless of the fact his sons made it and it's merely covered with peeling/bubbling contact paper.  It was the one thing I asked for of my grandparent's, because I can remember sitting around it as a kid, with my other siblings, and sneaking candied orange slices from the candy jar that always sat on top of it.  I saw the idea for covering something with pennies on pinterest.com and seeing as how my grandpa was known to be a "penny-pincher" it seems double appropriate.  And the new look is turning out amazing!  I love it.
At the same time as I am collecting pennies and gradually gluing them onto the table, I am going through the Experiencing God study by Henry Blackaby with my small group at church (this is my second time doing it, but I am in such a different place in my walk that it seems really different).  I love the fact that God is working all around me and in me, and that He daily makes my old existence into a new and improved one in Him.
Life is not easy right now (but really when is it ever easy...there is so much good even among the most trying times, that I am not complaining).  We are going through another round of transition, and I so quickly forget how much time is involved in getting used to new routines.  We don't know where we are going to be living, or even how we are going to be able to get into a  new place.  But at the same time, we have gotten to do a lot of new and fun things. The Butchers are getting ready for their 2013 season and we are on some committees this year.  I started working part time in the office with one of my best friends as my Boss Lady.  Toad has started going to Wed night youth activities and we are getting our applications ready to go on the summer middle school youth mission trip.  And Banana and I have both been fighting off bugs/illnesses.  I also got put on an inhaler for the new asthma issues that developed after the concussion/upper resp infection at the end of my college experience.  I also have been going through the process to become involved with our church's college ministry, and started helping out at Micah Ministries on Monday nights. And there just hasn't been as much time to spend with the best friends. Anyways, all that to say there has been a lot of change lately and more to come.
So growth in the middle of all this, to grow into the character needed for each stage of the journey, is key.  And the Experiencing God study is full of great stuff.  I'll leave you with a few quotes that have really jumped out at me, maybe they will for you, too...in whatever stage of life you find yourself in right now.

God created you for a love relationship with Him.  He yearns for you to love Him and respond to His immeasurable love for you.  God's nature is perfect, holy, total love.  He will never relate to you in any other ay although you may not always understand His actions.  There will be times when you do not comprehend why He allows certain things to occur, and that is to be expected.  He is the infinite God while we are limited human creatures.  He sees the eternal ramifications of everything that happens.  We don't.  (p.20)

When God gives you a directive, you can be sure He has already considered every factor.  You will never do God's bidding only to discover that God was somehow mistaken.  You can have absolute confidence that when God tells you to do something, it is the right course of action.  (p.25)

When we announce what we think we can't do in response to God's initiative, we are actually saying more about our faith in God than we are about our own abilities.  The fact is, either we believe God is all-powerful or we don't.  When you declare it's impossible for you to do what God told you to do, you show your doubts about how powerful God really is.  It is one thing to believe in God's power, it is quite another to live your life in obedient response to an all-powerful God.  (p. 28)

And a few quotes from the workbook:

When God is about to do something through you, He has to get you from where you are to where He is, so He tells you what He is doing...When you know what God is doing, then you know what you need to do; you need to join Him.  The moment you know God is doing something where you are, your life and its activity will be thrown in contrast to God and His activity.  You cannot stay the way you are and go with God.  (p.21)

When God tells you a direction, you accept it, and you understand it clearly, then give God all the time He wants to make you the kind of person He can trust with that assignment. (p48)

I realize that is a lot to think about.  I still find myself pondering these thoughts days later.  And wonder if I have the kind of faith that Noah had, to follow God's directions for years upon years, not knowing when the fulfillment will come, but daily living out the belief that its coming, despite being ridiculed on every side.  That is an incredible amount of faith!  And what is being asked of me is so tiny in comparison to building an ark for 100+ years having never seen rain.
What is God asking of you right now?  And how are you stretching your faith muscles to follow as He asks?

Take Him at His word

Okay, so I am still trying to work on seeing things differently.  One of the big things right now for me, is taking God at His word...literally.  Acting/knowing/believing that what He has said, HE IS GOING TO DO.
Why is this a struggle right now?
I feel like God told me to buy a house.  The landlord needs to sell this house to get out from under it, and God told me to go look at houses.  Now, if you know me at all, you know that I don't like to dream unrealistically because I hate it when it doesn't happen.  And I am a mostly-stay-at-home-mom.  The idea of finding and falling in love with a house, when finances are not in place, and I can't actually make a bid on it yet, is soooooo hard for me.  In December, I was a basket-case because it all just felt like too big of a leap of faith for me.  Thankfully my realtor is a Christian and has been very patient with me, my doubts, and my desire to just hide from this at times.
Yesterday, we went to look at just one more house.  Even though the financial aspect is still very much a work in progress.  On the fourth, this house came down in price so that its in my almost-comfortable range.  I had a really good feeling about this one...the pictures for it showed character and my favorite floor plan, plus fenced in outdoor space and excellent schools.  The morning went nothing like expected...woke up the oldest daughter to find out the youngest was burning up with fever.  Ran her to the minute clinic, and had to ask my realtor to bump our meeting time back a bit.  Diagnosis:  Influenza A, and need to watch her closely.  Ran her home.  Ran out to meet my precious realtor.  Was in love before I even got all the way through the door.  Other than a dishwasher (which has already been brainstormed about...did I mention my realtor also easily sees potential and is great at listening to me ramble about ideas?), everything on my list of wants is present in this house.  Including well-maintained, but lots of room for my touch...but doesn't have to be done right away either.  Perfect space for indoor and outdoor entertaining...aka small group functions at my house, still.  Room in the back for the trampoline and the bonfire pit.  Walk to the elementary school and a park.  I could even walk to my favorite library if I wanted to, from there.  So, yeah...this girl would love to make an offer.  Out of all the houses we have already looked at, I haven't taken my girls to see any of them.  This one, I can't wait to show them.
OKAY.  All that to say, this is stretching me.  Not just that Banana is sick, again, but that there are a lot of hurdles to continue to jump through to be able to put in an offer.  And I spent all morning on the phone trying to get someone else's actions off of my credit, without accomplishing much of anything.  And tried to speak to my mortgage guy, only to get his voicemail.  BUT, I firmly believe that God told me to look, that He told me this was going to be happening, that HE IS going to do this with and for us.  I don't have the slightest idea how this is going to work.  But I want to live like I believe it.  Even when I have to ask Him to help me believe. (and thankfully He doesn't mind me asking!).  This kind of stretching is not the most comfortable.  And sometimes I feel like Noah building an ark when he's never seen rain and everyone around him is telling him he is insane.
Some funs, along this journey.  The fact that his kids could potentially be homeless was enough motivation to finally get the ex diligently working on the student loan problem (which lost me so many points I am 4 pts too low to be approved).  Today, he finally got the right person, to finally get the hardship forbearance and be considered caught up until April.  Another fun, I was offered a part-time job through the company I take house photos for, that gives me a boost of income, weekly.  Which will look much better for the pre-approval.  I have gotten to dream with my best friend over all of this, and with my realtor, and both are looking forward to seeing how God works out all the little details, helping me to talk, act, and believe like God IS going to be doing this.  My adopted mom has also truly helped me in this...especially with mindset and allowing myself to dream and hope.  And my faith is growing...in leaps and bounds.
Tomorrow I hit the official 3 year mark from the divorce.  And in these last three years, God has done such an amazing work in me and how I look at things.  How I talk to and with Him.  What I believe.  And how much more I can be hopeful.  It's been a super hard journey, and I know there are still more hard things to come, because its just part of life.  But it has been absolutely amazing to be more observant to what He is doing, and to better know what He is willing to do and able to do.  I wouldn't trade any of this for anything.

Daddy God, I am so thankful for all that You have done, are doing, and will do in the future.  Please make my life shine so bright for You, as a testament to who You are and what You are capable of.  May my life be always useable for You.  And may every part of my journey be an encouragement to others and speak volumes for You.  Without You, I am nothing.  With You, all things are possible.  Thank You for never giving up on me, for seeing my potential, and for growing me more and more with each passing day.  I love you more than I knew was possible!  Amen

Betting everything on hope

I have been reading through the book Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God by Francis Chan.
It has been challenging me to grow in Christ and look at things in a different way.  God had already been working in me to stop putting Him in human constraints (because he doesn't fit in the boxes we tend to put Him in), and to start seeing that the love and value He places on me are so much more than I can understand.  Reading this book has really been challenging me on the way I live, and talk, and how much my life should just be 110% for Him.  That He wants me to thrive and constantly grow in Him.  To not get stale or stuck.  I want to share some of the quotes that have really made me stop and think...

Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to.  they don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens--they have their savings account.  They don't need God to help them--they have their retirement plan in place.  They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live--they have life figured and mapped out.  They don't depend on God on a daily basis--their refrigerators are full and, for the most part, they are in good health.  The truth is, their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God. (p.78)

Now, I can only speak for myself, but I do not want to live lukewarm.  I am not someone content to just get by.  I like to stretch, grow, and have even begun to love trying new things.  I have had the privilege, especially in the last three years, to be totally dependent on God for pretty much everything.  The ends just don't meet without Him stepping in and intervening. I know there are big changes coming in my life, that will challenge this part, but I hope to never forget how He is my provider, my Daddy, my best friend... and I want to be living a life that shines completely for Him.

Following Christ isn't something that can be done halfheartedly or on the side.  It is not a label we can display when it is useful.  It must be central to everything we do and are. (p.94)

Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever He wants?  Do you believe that wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life?  Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made? (p.97)

True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on the hope of eternity. (p. 97)

When you are running toward Christ, you are freed up to serve, love, and give thanks without guilt, worry, or fear. (p.104)

 I want to be running so hard toward Him, that nothing else matters.  That I think outside my own comfort zone and am effectively living my life for my Daddy God.  For my life to be having a positive impact on the lives of all those around me.  To be spreading kindness, with eyes open and seeing things the way that He sees them. I don't want to be living life with a personal agenda... but to be living out the potential He placed in me before I was even born, doing all things for Him alone.

Trying to see things differently

Photo taken by Nikie Musselman

So, for some reason last night was almost a wake up call for me.  Not that anything really happened, or maybe it was more of what didn't happen.  I have no clue.  All I know is that by the time I was doing by God-time, I was feeling as if I really need to change things. 
My best friend and I were talking some about this during our girls night out... about how we need to work on seeing ourselves the way that God sees us.  That's why I included the above picture today.  Most people would look at that pic and say, wow, she's beautiful.  I look at that picture and my first thought is, that doesn't look like me; that woman is beautiful, but that's not me.  The kicker...that is me.  I just don't see myself the way that others do...but more importantly, I need to start seeing myself the way that God does.  When He looks at me...He smiles, He says that is My girl and I did good!  I am His creation, and He doesn't make any junk.  He sees me as His precious treasure, worthy of giving His life for.  Everyday, I need to work on seeing myself as special, as treasured, as desirable, as beautiful.  Because that is exactly what I am to Him.

Other things that need to change...I have worked so hard over the last three years to try to overcome the belief that everyone eventually will walk away, that I must be annoying because eventually people do walk away, that I don't have anything good to offer, whatever.  I am no where near where I want to be, and there is still an underlying feeling that I am not good enough for people to want to be in my life... I need to change that way of thinking.  I have a lot to offer, and a lot of things that I would love to do in my lifetime.  I don't need to live in fear that no one will want to share in that with me.  I know better.

I also need to work on being a better friend.  To speak up when I need to, and keep letting things go (slide off my back) when its not a big deal.  Sometimes there is a need to express hurt and pain, in order to move past it all... and I know this goes back to the whole afraid people will walk away part.  But if they are my best friends, and I don't let them into the hurt part too, so that we can work through it, then I am not being true to either of us, and I am assuming that if we walk through some painful things they will want to just leave.  How is that fair to a friendship?  It's human...but its not how I want to live.  And I don't think God wants me to live in fear...so I need to work on that, too.

But most of all, I need to continue to work on putting it all in GOd's hands immediately.  Not trying to carry it on my own.  Not trying to figure out how it might all work out.  Just laying it at the feet of the cross and embracing the opportunities of today.
If you have been on this blog journey with me very long, you know that I can be pretty hard on myself, and have huge expectations for myself sometimes, that I want to be pushing myself to grow and move forward.  I am so thankful for a God who never gives up on me, who wants a daily communicating relationship with me, and who helps me to grow into the potential that He has placed inside of me.  As well as the support system He has provided for me!

Have you ever...

...felt insignificantly small?
...felt as if you had the weight of the world on your shoulders?
...had so much to do that you didn't even know how to get started?
...had big plans, but seemed to struggle to make yourself follow through?
I think that's where I am right now.  There are so many things that I need to be working on.  I have a hutch that is halfway through with its facelift.  I need to be making a bag for a friend that is about to have her fourth child.  I am working through the book Crazy Love and want to spend more time in it.  I have a house to pack, and a new house to find, as well as paperwork to do in order to try and get approved for a mortgage (again).  I have a meeting next week in order to get started with the college group at church, which I am more excited about then I could put into words or express in a blog!!!  I need to be getting experience so that when its time to try to get a job, I am hire-able.  and that idea makes me all teary eyed, because I have had the privilege of being a stay at home mom for 12 years now...and its been the best job I could have ever had (although it doesn't pay all that well :) ). 
I could keep going with this list for a really long time, but all of us have a list.  We all have things we love to do, things we need to do, things we have to do, people counting on us, etc, etc, etc.  What do you do to work down your list?  to get yourself motivated to start?  Do you have an actual list written out or just know what needs done in your head?  Does having a list excite you or is it something you dread seeing?
At the beginning of the year, it seems like people take a harder look at their life, long for significance, and wonder if they are on the right track or need to make changes.
I am not a resolution person, but I do spend a bit of time, almost daily, looking at how things are going, what I am doing with my life, and talking with God about what He wants me to do differently.  Repeatedly He reminds me to trust Him.  That He has all the details worked out already.  That I can depend on Him, He will never leave, and He will always make it possible for me to do anything and everything He asks of me.
Sometimes I wonder why He has such great faith in me.  Sometimes I feel like I am going to fail.  But, He has never let me down.  He always picks me up, brushes me off, and helps me to start again.
There are some big changes for this year.  He is helping me not to fear change, but rather to embrace and appreciate it, even be excited about it.  And He is so patient with me, when I am trying to figure out what needs done first, and how to take steps in the right direction.  I am so thankful for the patience He has with me, and that He never throws His hands up in the air and gives up on me. 
Knowing the value and belief and potential He sees in me makes a world of difference!!!

Excited hopefulness for the new year

In between stages.  times of limbo.  waiting.
All of these things are not something I am particularly good at, but things that I seem to have experienced a lot lately.  2012 was full of wait.  And right now I find myself wondering what it will be like when wait is over.
There will be some fairly big changes for my 2013.
First of all, we have to find somewhere to live.  Our current rental is going on the market, because the landlord cannot afford to keep the house.  I feel like God told us to buy...and I have no clue how that can/will work.  But watching to see what He does.  Right now, I seem to be just short of approvable.
Second, I have a meeting next week, and then two training sessions, to see about getting involved with our church's college ministry.  And I am super excited about this one...to the point that its been hard to wait for the stuff to get going that I have to do in order to be able to start working with this amazing age group.  One of the freshmen gals was baptized on Sunday, and while I was watching, all I could think was that maybe I could have a positive impact in her life this year.  It got my blood pumping.  I WANT so bad to have a positive impact in the lives of others...I feel like I need it.
Third, this probably will be the last semester and summer break that I will get the privilege of staying home with my girls.  I have the degree now, and hopefully will put it to good use.  Also during the time they are at school this semester, I am hoping to be volunteering and getting some experience, to counteract the fact that I do not have an internship under my belt. 
In addition to those things, the Cowtown Butchers will soon resume practice, and I am hoping to be able to get some of the pictures I didn't get taken last season to actually happen this one.  Like individual pics and small bio's.  And a really good posed team pic for their website. I am so excited about what 2013 holds for my team!
As I get closer to my two best friends, there are also a few hopefuls that I have that direction, too.
And Lord willing, it might be a year of mission trips for us.  Toad has one in early summer that I am hoping to get to be a part of in Dallas, TX, and then one of my best friends is hoping to take a group to Mexico around Labor Day.
All in all, my 2013 looks like it will be a lot of fun, and have more new opportunities to keep stretching out of my comfort zone, like 2012.  I am excited to see what all happens and to watch God at work in and through it all.  I am realistic enough to know that there will be hard times during the year too, but am hoping to focus so much on the blessings scattered throughout that the hard will be drowned out by the blessings!
What are you most looking forward to about the new year?