The Good Old Days

Why do we call it the good old days?  Because we are full of stories to tell about them?  Have we just remembered the good parts and forgot how "hard" it was at the time?  I don't have the answers...but I do have a lot of speculation.  Most of which is not necessary for life or for sharing.
I worked at a christian camp for two summers in college.  They were summers that made me rethink my desire to teach and made me want to be a full-time counselor.  There were crazy ups and downs, but it was a great fit for my hyper-energy level I used to have all the time.
Anyways, didn't know how much God was going to use that time for me.  Nor did I know that I would literally replay dreams over a 12 year span that I was still working there.  I would wake up from one of the dreams and expect to find myself in a sleeping bag with my girls beside me.  (what a crazy mix of two "worlds" that would have been!)  Or that God would use the counseling dream to build in me a desire to share my life-pain in empathy with others as they walk through their own tough times.  Or that I would be able to "joke" about some of the most painful things from the past 12 years, or be thankful for now and the lack of that.  Or that, 12 years after working my last summer there, and then getting married, and that all falling apart, that I would be back in school getting my degree in psychology (and maintaining a 4.0 for two whole classes now as a single mom!)
I was back at camp today for a reunion/get-together and spent some time with a few co-counselors from the good old days.  It made me wish that I could somehow, magically, get the "gang" together again.  Not possible, because everyone has gone their own way.  The dynamic would all be different b/c so much life was lived between then and now.  And all of us have our own baggage.  There literally is no way to recreate what it was...nor, in all reality, would we want to.  Like I said, there were some crazy lows to go along with the crazy highs.  But, the years have helped to soften it some.  And SOOOOOO many memories were made there.  It makes me miss the friendships that were built, the camaraderie of working together.  The fun of seeing the light bulb go off in a child's eyes as they figure out God for themselves.
But, in all reality, the adventure of a lifetime that us staffers went on during the summers...that part hasn't ended.  You see, when I walk my life with God, and tell Him that He can have all of me to do with whatever He wishes...THAT is the great adventure.  He used me in amazing ways at camp, most of which I will never know this side of heaven. He used the campers and the other staff to impact my life in amazing ways.  And the adventure He has taken me on, the one that I am still on, is one that I have never regretted.  He is the one at the reigns...and it's all about Him!

Discovery!

So, there has been a lot of self-discovery going on in my heart.  Times are tough, (we all have our own stories, so I won't go into mine) and I have had to work on fully trusting God.  You see, it is easy to SAY I am trusting Him, but lately in my quiet times He has been asking me if I trust Him.  After a couple of days of that, the surface saying it is so gets called on and tested if you will, and I began to wonder why He kept asking me.  My whole life has been flipped like a pancake, again.  And I have discovered that when it was just me, and there was no set income coming in, it wasn't as hard as facing that possibility with two girls who count on me for everything.  I think that yes, maybe I trusted Him more fully single-without-kids, then I had been doing single-with-kids.  So, opportunity after opportunity have come up to try this in me.  Am I truly going to trust Him and give Him free reign with everything?  Especially when what I am temporarily struggling with might be the very thing that God uses to save a soul?  That's kind of heavy.  After all, who am I to stand in His way?  Who am I to say that I need X amount to be comfortable and that is what I expect of you?  I am NOT God.  Nor would I ever want that job...b/c to me, it would seem like work. 
Just because I don't know WHAT He is doing, does not mean that He has stopped working.  Just because I have no clue what I am supposed to do, does not mean that He doesn't have the way already made for me.  I have to TRUST.  He flat out asked me, repeatedly, if I would trust.  I need to trust!
Coolest part of that, and yes, there is a cool part!  He enables me to do just that.  You see, on my own, I really can't.  I struggle with trust now.  It is a bi-product of giving someone the benefit of the doubt long after seeing repeated reasons not to.  It makes me wonder if I can trust my own judgment, which causes me to second-guess things.  And God knows that.  Guess what?  It doesn't make Him any less secure or make Him doubt Himself at all...nope, God can handle it!  He knows my current struggles and He knows that He is fixing me and healing my cracks, one day at a time.  He is willing to reassure me that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  Do you hear that promise?  Do you know that you know that you know that He cannot lie and every promise He ever makes WILL come true!  I can trust that!  I can trust the God who's personality is the same at the time of creation, that it is today, and that it will be for every second of all eternity!  And every day, as I spend more time with Him, He enables me to keep trusting and to grow the trust.  He will NOT ask me to do a single thing, that He has not already enabled me to be able to do.  And as He told me this morning, there is not a single thing that is impossible for Him, and He lives in and through me...therefore, with His strength that is alive and working in me, I can do any and every thing that He ever puts in front of me to do.
How could I not trust Him?  Why would I want to try to do this in my own power, outside of Him?
Answer:  I wouldn't!

The power of prayer never ceases to amaze me.  If there is anything that I can be praying for/with you, please let me know!

Emotional

Have you ever had such a good time with friends that you came back home to reality and life just seemed a little bit empty?
Last week, I got to visit some friends in Iowa that I hadn't seen since '98.  I had such a great time talking and meeting their children, and finally meeting a friend I have been talking to on Facebook for over a year.  And absolutely loved the time with my girls, making memories and proving that we could handle exploring on our own.  We were celebrating the finish of the first class and getting 100% on the final paper, and getting an A in the class.  Unfortunately, the next class had already started and it is crazy time-consuming so I stressed myself out trying to shove a week's worth into the first three days to free up the second half of the week.  Anyways, we all had a great time exploring and watching the hot air balloons come in at the balloon show and then we had to rush back home.  Leaving was hard. 
I truly am blessed with such a wide assortment of friends who have proven to be great cheerleaders in this new phase of my life.  God knew exactly what personalities I would need to help me thrive despite the curve-balls thrown at me.  He surrounded me with friends, new and old, to help be His hands and feet, to literally hug me through all this.
This week was really hard on me.  No one specific reason.  A big part of it was that I don't feel like I know what this professor is asking for and am putting a lot of hours into school this week.  Another part, especially today, was the fact that I am staying at a really good friend's house right now, and the last time I was here I was spending time with a guy friend whom I never see anymore.  And then, on top of that, the girls seem to be going through a rough patch as they try to make their way and get ready to start the new school year.  It's just been tough emotionally.
But, in all of it, I have to remember that I am incredibly blessed.  I have everything I need in order to truly thrive in this life.  God has become so real to me and spending time with Him on a daily basis has really changed my outlook on life.  He gives me exactly what I need to be able to make it through each new day.  And the plans that He has for me are beyond anything I could ever dream up for myself. 
God has also placed some great new friends in my life, ones who are in the same boat that I am in, for whatever reason.  They have encouraged me and helped me to have the fellowship that I had been missing.  Life is fuller and busy.  School keeps me hopping.  Most of the time, I don't have enough downtime to think I am missing anything.  And this time of just me and God, has been incredibly rewarding and is bringing healing to the hearts of all three of us girls. 
This isn't anything I would have planned for myself, but God knew better than I did.  He knew how much I needed to focus on Him, without outside distractions.  He knows the plans He has for me and the potential that is hidden inside me.  When I look back, on the other side of this, hopefully I will marvel at all the work He has done in me!  Go God!  :)