I've been quiet lately. We've been crazy busy with summer shows, custom orders, and getting ready for school and our big fall show. We did a few things we had on our summer bucket list, but the summer flew by the fastest I can ever remember.
But all the way through, among all the happy things and the adventures, there have been scattered super hards...and my momma raised me that if you didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
It felt like I either was posting/writing about what was being made, or I was coming across as complaining because of how hard the hards were.
This weekend was an expected rough. Almost three years ago, the sensory processing disorder got so bad that the bunkbed was driving her nuts with its uncomfortableness. So we sold it and attempted to get a very sensory friendly bed. We found a bedframe that was completely encased in soft fabric, and she fell in love with a super soft mattress we couldn't afford...and there was a meltdown in Nebraska Furniture Mart. The kind where shoppers look at me in utter disdain for allowing my child to act like that in public, but where as a mom your heart is ripped out at your child's struggle. Where it was so traumatic to her that she could no longer even stand to hear the name of the store or see advertisements for it. I ordered our couch online so she didn't have to go in the building. She slept on the couch for months because it is super plush. Then she moved back into her room on a papasan chair. Then the cushion from that on the floor. Then when the idea of spiders being on the floor by her began to cause almost-panic-attacks, she moved to a memory foam/leather futon. When that began bugging her back, she asked for a bed and fell in love with a frame at ikea two weeks ago. This weekend, we picked up a mattress set, cover, and memory foam pillow...that I ordered online so she didn't have to go inside the dreaded store.
Once home, we set it all up and the only thing she likes about it is the height and the minion sheet set. Other than that, there are so many things that are hard for her beyond the fact that it is HUGE change. The slats have a curve to them that has to work out in time, but currently causes a rocking mattress. The mattress is pillowtop but she doesn't sink in like she wants (she's only 80 pounds). There is a gap between the wall and the mattress...didn't even realize the problem that was going to be. And the minion comforter she loved isn't the same slick soft that the sheets she loves are. Oh, and the memory foam pillow had to be switched out for mine, because it wasn't solid/firm enough. The whole thing set her off repeatedly even though she was trying so hard to find something she could like about it.
She slept on it last night, all night, but as soon as we got home from church and she walked into her room, she started screaming that she now hates to even go in her room. Mini meltdowns happened repeatedly again today any time she wasn't sidetracked. But tonight, tonight was a doozey and a mama heart breaker.
Being told she needed to take a bath sent her into an immediate tailspin. Full blown meltdown with screaming, and crying at the top of her lungs. First on the kitchen floor, then moving to the back of the couch, but on the floor. In full blown meltdown, her world is dark and hopeless and she screams things she doesn't even remember after she balances out. I made her take her booster meds, and ended up holding her tight on the couch, tears streaming down my face as I sobbed right along with her. There is NOTHING I can say or do during a fullblown meltdown that has any impact at all...she can't hear comfort or compassion or anything positive...it can't sink in to be heard/felt. It's black and scary. And I just have to wait it out and hold her tight and pray my heart out. When the meltdown is over, its like the storm has passed and the sky is full on sunshine again for her...she can be smiles and laughter because its all back to balance for her. But for me, its way harder to move on because I can totally still hear everything spouted in the middle of it. And tonight's was not a short one. And I'm completely helpless to get through to her or help until its over. She is impenetrable in the middle of full blown meltdown.
And this is our reality. It's not pretty. We have moments where we are the three musketeers and on little adventures together. We make every effort to make great memories on the good days. But we also have days where it is all we can do to hold ourselves together as we try to help her through another meltdown. Even the ones we know to expect, like changing so much by getting a new bed and changing the look and feel of her room, are still so hard because there is so little we can do to actually help her get through it. The dogs have taken to hiding under my bed...and its easier for Ms.Toad to be downstairs or in her room rather than to have to hear and watch it. And I don't blame her one bit for that. All I can do is be a presence and then when she gets to the stage where its winding down a bit, hold her tight as if our lives depend on it so that the pressure of a tight embrace can help her come out of the end of it a bit faster. Knowing triggers doesn't always help, because something that throws her today might not tomorrow...its more like a stack of triggers is what results in a meltdown...so the first trigger isn't what throws her fully, it might be the sixth or eighth trigger of the day that sets her off, unless it's a big enough trigger to instantly throw her.
I'm grateful that every day isn't a meltdown day...because last summer between therapists it was pretty much daily and the two of us just trying to help her the best we could. It's gotten better. And a year ago, we wouldn't have even tried helping her into a new bed...her therapist, psychiatrist, and I all agreed it wasn't worth pushing at the time and we would wait for her to express readiness. And I am incredibly grateful that she has an amazing therapist and psychiatrist that love her and want the best for her...and they are helping a lot. But on a day to day basis...its me, God, and MsToad trying to help MsBanana. And its hard.
The blessing in disguise...when she can fight her way through something that's hard for her...its incredibly noticeable and cause for excitement and celebration. We have lots of little celebrations around here as she overcomes fears and learns to ask questions on her own and initiate communication. Something that ordinarily might be just run of the mill is a cause for celebration around here and that makes for some extra fun that not everyone gets to experience.
I love my kiddos. I would do anything for them. If I could, I would take this on myself so that she didn't have to walk this out for her entire life, so that she wouldn't have to learn ways to cope despite her challenges. But I can't. And I hate to admit that I can't do something...hate the word can't. And as a single mom, this load sometimes feels too much, borderline impossible. But it is my road. My load. What's been asked of me. God picked me to be this amazing little lady's mom...and MsToad to be her big sister. And He made MsBanana to be a fighter...she's had to fight from the very beginning.
Even though neither one of them realize it, and I have to often remind myself even, God made the three of us to be overcomers. He already has made the way for us, and placed our feet firmly on the path forward that He pre-paved for us to go. And all we can do is continue to cling to Him and keep going. To never give up and not allow each other to give up.
Thank you! Thank you for being a part of our journey. For being our prayer warriers as we fight to keep moving forward and to cling tight to God. Thank you for encouraging us to not give up. I cannot express what it means to know we have support even when we don't know how to ask for help. You are a blessing to us. And I guess that's why I choose to share the hards, and not just the funs/happy's. Because we need that support and because its part of our reality!
