One of the things I hate about divorce (and grief in general) is that you never know what is going to hit you or be hard for you. You never know when you are going to be blind-sided. I expected December 24th (what should have been my 12th anniversary), to be hard and surrounded myself with my best friend and kept busy. I never knew that December 30, 2012 was going to blindside me and make me an emotional, blubbering mess. You see, today is my little sister's 10th anniversary. She is the first of us girls to actually make it to and celebrate her 10th anniversary. My older sister's husband died before hers', and mine took off before ours. So, here I am, on a day that I am busting with excitement and pride for the fact that my little sister beat the odds and fought hard for her marriage, and that they are in a better place then they ever have been...but bawling with gut-wrenching sobs. Because divorce leaves a definite mark on you, tears your soul, and leaves you desperate for the Heavenly Father's help and healing. There is nothing good about divorce. Nothing. You are forced to start all over again, whether you wanted to or not.
And yet, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that in MY case, God truly rescued me and protected me from all that was going to come out in the open. All the secrets that were hidden from me, and the ones I chose not to see, are all glaringly obvious now...can't be pretended away or ignored. God had me right where I needed to be, to be able to survive it all. And thankfully, He has made it where just bits and pieces were revealed at a time so that I could grieve each piece as it came up rather than getting hit with it all at the same time. He carried me then, and He still continues to carry me and write my story. He will always be enough for me...because He is my God and my Savior...a living Being who is more than willing to walk all of this with me...who loves and delights in me.
Rather than celebrating a 12th anniversary last week, I am quickly approaching the two year mark of when the judge declared it over, four months after it all fell apart for the second time. And I can look back and say that I truly did my best. I didn't do everything perfect. I am completely human. But I tried. It just didn't work.
You see, part of being human is having free-will and working hard not to have expectations of others that they just can't live up to. You have to give others the freedom to be themselves and to make their own choices. And giving them that freedom means that they have the ability to walk in and out of your life...and you truly can't stop them. If you want others to let you be yourself, then it is important to do the same for them. And unrealistic expectations and making assumptions hurts you and the people you are surrounded with.
And so, as I wipe the tears away, and the breathing stops being so jagged and short, I remember that I am in the best of times. There will be moments or days or weeks or years, that blindside me and throw me for a loop...but GOD is right there beside me, carrying me through it all, and helping there to be beauty despite of pain.
"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places I have driven you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you pack to the place from where I sent you into exile." Jeremiah 29:11-14
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
To grant those who mourn in Zion, giving them a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:3
