I don't wanna be a puddle!

It's one of those days.  The kind where all you can do is cry off and on all day.  And you just want to be held.
The only thing is...I've never been held while I cried the way I long to be.  I cannot remember a boyfriend holding me while I bawled...loaning me his strength in my broken.  It didn't happen in my marriage...
So it actually just frustrates me more that that is what I wish I had...since I don't really have a memory of it happening before, so why want it?
But its one of those days where, as a female, I almost wish I was a male that could remain detached from life enough to not have random days where everything made me cry.  And just admitting that by typing it makes me want to cry again.
I am not good at this.  It's not easy to see myself cry at the drop of a hat.  I'm not use to having the freedom to be emotional.  And I still try to hide as much of it from the girls as I can.  So today's shower was super long as I bawled and asked God to please, please, please hold me and not let me turn into a puddle.  I really don't like tears...my tears.
Part of me, still feels super weak every time I cry.  And after almost five years of not being made to feel that way, I would think I would be over that.  But it has taken years of people working with me to realize that I am NOT a complete failure just because I cry.  But I still often just don't know what to do with the emotion.
One of my favorite verses is the one that talks about God knowing every tear we've cried, holding them in His hands.  It's a good thing He has big hands!
And another thing that helps, is knowing that these days are few and far between.  Although I can remember a season last fall, where I was super heartbroken and weepy...and I so don't want to go there again.
It is hard to be where I am at.  I'm not going to lie.  To be single in your upper 30's, with two precious people depending on you in huge ways, and so much of your own world is unknown.  Not a lot of fun.  And no matter how hard you fight for peace, and friendships, and no drama...it's pretty much a constant fight.  And tired is a constant feeling.  Lonely can be there too (but lonely single, is way better than lonely married).
These are the moments where everything I have worked so hard to learn, with God's help and the help of some super special people He put in my life, are tested.  Will I choose to praise Him and be thankful even when my heart is broken and all I can do is cry?  Will I choose to bank on His promises even though I cannot see how things can work?  Will I choose to trust even when it seems like the fulfillment of the things He's given me to cling to seems slow in coming?  Will I believe that He loves me enough to see me through all the feelings of being unlovable?  Will I count on His strength when all I feel like is a weak, crying, woman who is becoming a puddle on the floor?
I literally bawled in the shower and begged Him to hold me and carry me and not let me be a puddle.  I'm serious.  Can't say that I have ever prayed to not be a puddle before, but I sure did this morning.
And I know what I need to do to make it through this.  I need to dwell on the happys.  I need to choose thankfulness...despite brokenness.  I need to cling to His promises, soak up His word, and make sure I abide in Him and talk with Him...every day, as often as possible, because He alone builds me back up.

Daddy God,
Thank You for never giving up on me.  Thank You for knowing everything, seeing everything, and having a plan in place.  Thank You for making something beautiful out of the mess that so often is me.  Thank You for holding me even when I cannot feel it.  Thank You for loving me and my daughters with a crazy love that I will never be able to fully understand.  Thank You for sharing Your strength with me.  Thank You for reminding me that You will never leave me nor forsake me, that You are always there and always enough.  Thank You for Your word full of promises.  Thank You for the sacrifices that You made for me.  Thank You for providing for us.  Thank You for always holding my hand and showing me where to set my feet.  Thank You for holding every tear I have ever cried and hurting with me, knowing my pain, and never belittling the way I feel, but always reminding me that You have already redeemed it all.  Thank You!

Holding on by a thread

It was a really long weekend. Friday I was scrambling to finish stuff up for the booth on Saturday. Saturday started at 6 am and didn't finish until ten. And it was hot! But the concerts were amazing and I met some great people, and even sold a few things to make some money. Here are some booth pics...

It really was fun. 

Then today we went with my best friend to a family reunion and gave lots of hugs and came home. Another longish day. 

So I'm just tired. And I feel like I am hanging on by a thread like the picture of my shoe (which happened right after getting set up yesterday morning and literally hung on by that thread all day). 

I spent a long time pouring out my heart to God tonight and asking Him to be my strength because I just felt spent. He already knew, and lived it all out with me, but He let me pour it all out anyways because that's part of who He is for me and He is the best listener and problem solver I know. Which is good because I cannot do this on my own. 

I know we have all been there, but I was really feeling pressure today and journaling helped. I still don't have a clue how it can/will all work out, but He does. And I'm going to choose to rest in that.

And there is something reassuring and comforting about knowing He has all my tears accounted for, holds them all in His hands. And that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. And that He makes beauty out of ashes, good out of the bad. And that He chose me to be His and loves me with a crazy big love that I don't understand or always remember. And that I can trust Him...always... because He has my best interests in mind. He never sleeps and knows everything. Wow!  How I need those reminders!

Even when I feel as if I am just barely hanging on, and I'm too tired to think, He is still God and still holding me. I'm going to choose to rest in that!

not perfect

I am not perfect.  I never have been and have never pretended that I am.  I am harder on myself then I am on others...extending them far more grace than I allow myself.  I know I can be my own worst critic and I tend to accept blame for things that I didn't even do.
But the thing I dislike most about myself...that I have allowed people to go off on me or hurt me just so they can feel better about themselves.  Why do I do this?  How can I stop this?
It's not even 11 o'clock yet this morning, and I hadn't even taken my meds or drank my first sip of Cherry Coke, when I had already had one person take all their frustrations out on me over the phone, and yet another person hang up in my ear.  Seriously?
No matter how hard I fight for peace, to live like I am a child of the King, to not be shaken by the stuff that comes my way, I still find myself struggling.  I still get hurt.  I still have random people (and not so random) go off on me. 
In my 37 years, I have been hurt more times than I care to admit.  Some of the super big hurts that you would never wish someone you loved to have to go through, some of the normal every day kind of hurts, some of the hurts that you just can't believe, etc.  But I have also seen God move in some absolutely breathtaking, life-altering ways.  I'm often asked how I can believe in a God that allows bad things to happen to those that are His, or to "good" people...why He allows such horrible things to happen in people's lives by random strangers or close family/friends.  How I can still say that He is real.
For me, its personal experience.  I was raped, but I saw God pull me to Him in a way I cannot explain and begin to teach me that I am His treasured daughter no matter what man does to me with his free will.  I was abandoned, but God showed me that He will never leave me.  I lost a child, but God promised me that He was taking care of my son and gave me two precious daughters later in my life.  (and those three things happened within a short 3 month period of time).  After a second broken engagement, I left everything I knew to go to college in a town where I knew no one and was struggling to build trust and relationship back up with my parents who were hours away...while I was trying to figure out who I was and what I was even doing...I had no real job, I was "dating" God and working solely for Him, and I loved almost every second of that phase of life.  And I watched Him provide for my school bills, right on time, every time...in ways that still blow me away.  I learned what it was like to meet with Him daily and to let Him build me up.  Fast forward a few years and large, life-changing decisions later...I met a man, fell in love with him while he prayed daily with me, and got married.  Two kiddos came quickly after that.  And then a bombshell right before the fifth anniversary...more abandonment...more fear...more what in the world???  And even in that, God met me right where I was...reassured me of His love for me and provision for me.  He provided for all the bills, and the weekly counseling...along with help for the kiddos who were toddler/preschool age.  More counseling, he came back home, and there were a few good months.  But life in general was hard, and to put it very simply, I was screamed at often.  I felt like a constant disappointment and headache to the one person I wanted approval from, and I HAD TO TURN TO GOD for help...and He met me right there, too.  He gave me strength to try everything that was suggested to help; He kept me from giving up; He was my shoulder to cry on and the only one who knew everything that was going on; He truly was my ROCK.  And at the 10 year mark, when that too fell apart...He was truly there...working things out, showing how He had already prepared the way for us to be able to walk it out, protecting us from more than we still even know, arranging for a house to sell and money to be there for the apartment.  He still held me when I cried.  He has all those tears numbered and accounted for.  And even from the very beginning of all those crazy emotions that come with being left again, He has done miracle after miracle to make the way for us to stand.  The anger towards me didn't end...just doesn't happen quite as often.  The damage done has longer reaches effects than I like to admit.  But I am standing.  I am alive.  We are beginning to thrive in the life He carved out for us.  We don't even live in the same city any more, but we have had so many people be God in the flesh for us, people He brought into our lives right when we needed them most.
 I would love to say that we never get hurt anymore, but its not true.  Even after those hurts, there have been so many more.  I've had people turn on me and make up accusations that would level some people and leave them hopeless.  God was there...and He daily reminds me that He knows the truth and He knows better than the false accusations.  I've had another broken engagement when I jumped into a relationship too soon.  God opened my eyes to healing He needed to do in me first.  I had a great friendship/dating relationship with a college friend that resulted in the feeling of abandonment again when he disappeared...and God reminded me yet again that He will never leave me or forsake me and then made the way for me to be able to finish my degree.  We have had to walk a rough road with my youngest as her SPD, OCD, and Anxiety symptoms became more than she or I could handle on our own without help...and God provided the people that helped us get the help we need...and that road is still a rough one.  I have had friends walk away.  Family members mad at me. 
All that to say...I know what its like to HURT!  But I also have seen God move in ways that don't make sense outside of Him doing it.  Needs met, money out of thin air, people met right when you needed them most, a friendship I wouldn't want to have to do life without, healed relationships with my parents that I wouldn't trade for anything, money given to help us build a business, I've even been protected by a falling tree that should have come right through the house (that even the tree expert said was a miracle). I don't believe in coincidence. Not when there has been so much, over so much of my lifetime. One valentines day, I even received my favorite flowers (that I hadn't told anyone was my fave) in a case with a card from Daddy God reassuring me of the plans He has for my life and that I am His. 

So despite the hurts, like this morning when one guy went off on me for a scheduling error and another (completely random stranger) hung up on me, I choose. I choose to wallow in my hurt and lack of perfection and inability to not be affected by the actions of others. OR. I can choose instead to think on all the things God has already done for me, the promises He has given me for the future, and the scriptures He has given me to cling to. 

I'm going to work on doing the second option. Right now. :)