Paradox

My life is a gigantic paradox.  Especially in 2012. 
I am the gal that wears jeans, hoodies, and flipflops, but about once a month crave dressing up, including heels.
I either hang out with my small group from church, or with the men on the Cowtown Butchers.
I went from being a college student who worked on homework up to ten hours a day five days a week, to incredible free time.
I have had some HUGE ups, and some INSANE challenges this year.
It seems like its either sunny and gorgeous, or its freakin' monsooning.
And sometimes the extreme differences are a bit overwhelming.
I am spoiledly blessed with an amazing support team that has overwhelmed me lately with their provision and generosity towards me (and constant support and belief in me).  And on the flipside, I am dealing with repercussions of some super hard things to deal with AND timing of my landlord's big announcement.
On Saturday, a handful of guys from my church came and redid the back deck, making it safe again.  On Monday, my landlord announced that he can no longer afford to have two houses and needs to put this one on the market before something big happens that he can't afford to fix.  The overwhelming blessing of the deck was quickly swallowed up by a back door that wouldn't close and pretty much caved in on us Saturday night, and then the feeling of a home being sold out from under us.
And this is just today's stuff.  My best friend is spending yet another of his evenings trying to finish up the back door, and patch up what caved in, on a house that I will probably have to move out of sooner than I had hoped.
 I just wanted to get T through middle school, and let H finish up her elementary years at the same school.  But we don't always get what we want.  And I have been learning that loud and clear this year.  Not only that, but so much can happen in this life that is not fair, uncomfortable, and sometimes downright scary.
But here's the other thing I have been learning lately.  God can use the not fair, the uncomfortable, the downright scary, to work things out the way that He knows is best.  He doesn't have to run it by us first, or get our approval, He just walks right beside us and helps us through.
How do I know that? 
Well, for one its Biblical.  Just look at the story of Joseph.  But also, I have seen Him do it over and over in my life.  He is always moving, always working behind the scenes, always getting me ready for the next step of faith.
Do I have a clue what comes next?  Nope.
But I know that even in this, He has a plan, a purpose, and can use it for my good.
Is it nerve-wracking?  Yep.
But its not the end of the world.
Does it seem like this year has already had enough challenges on its own?  Honestly, one of the things I said when I was crying talking to my mom today was that I didn't understand the timing of this, or how come God thinks I am strong enough for more this year. 
But, He knows me better than I know myself.  And maybe its just time.
Do I know where I am going or the timing this will all happen?  Nope.  Not a clue.
But I have an amazing support team that is already praying about all of this, and coming alongside me with Scripture reminders, encouraging words, and love for the girls and I.
Does the timing of this stink?  You betcha.
But God can use even that.
Biblical hope (we just had a whole sermon on it Sunday, and y'all know that hope is my all time favorite word a part of my life verse--Jer 29:11-14) is rock solid confidence in who God is and what He can do.  Knowing that He WILL do as He has promised.  Providing hope even when it looks like things are hope-less.  He tells us over and over in the Bible that change and restoration is coming, things are going to get better, and even the hardest of times can be used by Him for our good.
So, yes...my life can be one gigantic paradox...but He is still working!

Indulging a love of learning...

So, it didn't take me very long after finishing up homework at the beginning of November to yearn to learn.  I have always enjoyed learning new things.  It really didn't surprise me that I found myself at the library the week before Thanksgiving scouring the non-fiction section to find some good Christian books to satisfy that hunger.  Anyways, I devoured the first book in short time, scribbling notes as I went.  Then yesterday morning, I started another one.  I can't really even explain why I picked this one up, but it jumped out at me, and I felt like I needed to read it.  Technically its geared for men, but two paragraphs really jumped out at me yesterday and seem to have a lot of merit for males or females.  Hit home for me, anyways.  The current book is He-Motions by T.D. Jakes.  Here is what jumped out at me...

People who fulfill their calling exude an enjoyment and connection to their gifts that transcends the recognition, fame, and fortune they may receive for performing or expressing their talents.  Most have simply discovered the secret of finding a way to get paid for doing what they love.  Money never replaces purpose.  When a man has found that thing which he would do for free, simply for the fulfillment of doing it, he has found his calling.  I believe that realizing all you are capable of doing and then pursuing it is what we as human beings are called to do.  Since we are created in the image of our own Creator, we have a built-in drive to create ourselves.  This doesn't mean that you necessarily have to have an artistic or creative temperament to find your purpose.  But I would venture that every man who is aware of his calling is in the process of giving birth.  It may seem obvious that those who are song-writers and artists, poets and actors are birthing their dreams.  But so are any one of us who discovers who he is and answers the calling God places on his life through his unique gifts.  pp. 42-43

For I believe the real loser is the man who never attempts to fly with the wings that he's been given, the man who never dares chisel the marble and release the beauty he sees within, the man who never launches the ship he's spent his whole life building upon the beautiful and tempestuous seas.  The only real loser in life is the man who never risks challenging his mind and committing himself wholeheartedly to the endeavors for which he was made.  p. 71

Reading books like this really challenge me, get me excited about growing, learning, moving forward.  I want to grow.  I don't want to not find and reach my potential.  I long to reach out to those around me and help them to move forward as well.
I have experienced the sheer joy that comes from doing something you were created to do.  And just barely touched the tip of what I know God has for me.  There is so much out the for us.  So much more that what we are doing right now, that taps into what God meant for us to be doing.  And when we can find and tap into that...life is never the same again.  It's more full, rewarding, and meaningful.
I don't know a single person that wants to live a mundane existence.  We are all searching for meaning and fulfillment in life.  Growing and learning and changing for the better, with introspection to discover what we enjoy most, and what brings fulfillment...yeah, that's the good stuff.

Following...and overwhelmed with a joyful heart

Specific (not random) Act of Kindness

Have you ever gotten an idea from God, and had to get out of bed to go jot it down so that you could make sure you didn't forget it...because it was one of those ideas that just blows you out of the water with its possibilities?  That was me last night!  I asked Him to help me remember it, but just couldn't fall asleep so ran out to write it down.
The idea is to touch a life of someone around you... maybe someone who is going through a tough spot, or could just use some encouragement, or has even someone that hurt you (and this is a way that you could kind of love on them despite the pain) ... whatever the reason!  The way to do it... not a random act of kindness, because you are purposefully picking them and then hand-picking a store that would greatest bless that person and getting a gift card (of any amount) to give to that person.  And then, to give it to them in any way possible ... in a Christmas card, in person, slid under their front door, whatever. 
The motivation behind this... the true meaning of Christmas, and giving back to those around you, touching a life in a way that you would never imagine.
How come this gives me goosebumps thinking about its possibilities?  Because three years ago, a woman's bible study group pooled their money together, and surprised me with a Walmart gift card, at Christmas time, when all my emotions were so raw and my separation was still super fresh.  It allowed me to keep things as close to similar for Christmas for my girls as I could considering the circumstances.  And it made me cry because it reminded me that not only was God there and providing, but people were willing to put action behind their love and care for the girls and I.  I only knew one of the gals from the entire group, but their actions will never be forgotten.  Words don't express how this still warms my heart, and fills me with joy and gratitude.
So, today, I saw the note I had jotted down.  I went to facebook and made the above (link) event page, which is open to the public.  Please feel free to join us in reaching out to those around you, choosing someone's life to bless in this manner, and then share either a picture of the gift card, or a small story about your experience with this. And feel free to share the idea with those around you, in your circle.  Let's remind the world that people are still good at heart despite hard times!
 I would love for this to become contagious, and for God to do whatever He wants to with it... and for all of us to remember that even the littlest things can change someone's life/attitude.  He gave so very much to us!!!  And we can give to others...in this way which can seem so little but mean so much.
Oh, and the part that has already warmed me all the way to my toes...the event page has been up for a just a few hours (and extends out to Christmas day)... and already the response has surprised me in such a good way.  I love when God asks something of us that is so easy to follow through on, but can have such a BIG impact on our personal worlds!  I don't know why it always surprises me so much, but oh boy do I love when God moves and does big things!

Ouch! and wow!

I just seem to have a knack for hurting myself this year.  I have lost track of how many times I have had to go to the ER.  It seems ridiculous.  But I got to thinking last night, I have been sewing since I was 14 years old.  For more hours then I could ever add up.  Especially in the last four years.  Some weeks I probably clocked overtime hours (compared to someone with a real job...so around 50) sewing.  So the fact that I have only done the above illustration twice in that whole time, is actually pretty amazing. And yesterday's was the first time it required a trip to the ER to get it removed.  I have noticed that there are some lingering effects from the last concussion that probably should have meant I was not sewing free-motion tiny circles.
There isn't even a cool story to go with this picture.  I wasn't even trying to sew at the time.  I was moving the quilt around so that I could start working the next spot over, and my foot must have been hovering over the pedal and dropped down or something.  One stitch was all it took.  The commercial grade motor sent the needle through my thumb before it even registered that my foot hit the pedal.  And I just sat there pretty much looking at my hand in the same position its in in the photo, trying to figure out what I was looking at.  Then I laid my head down on the other arm, and bawled like a baby after calling two friends for help.  The pain and pressure was a bit insane.  Then, like any photographer would, I went into the other room, took pictures until the camera figured out what I was trying to focus on, and then uploaded it to facebook.  Doing that kept me from going into shock and allowed time for my friend to get there to drive me to the ER.
Even tho it was tiny, it attracted attention everywhere I went.  And once I was in my little bed area, the fireman at the other end of the ER from me just kept peeking out from his curtain and staring at my hand.  Guess it was more entertaining then his buddy that was getting his head bandaged?
Ends up, the reason the broken tip part (on the fleshy side of my thumb) was stuck so tight to my skin was that the thread was holding it super taut.  My thumb began to swell around it as we waited for the numbing shots to work.  And she started to pull it off, and couldn't, which is when she realized it was the thread forcing it to stay in position like that.  She ended up having to cut the thread as close to the nail as she could, so that she could pull the rest of it through the hole and out the other side.  And even with the numbing, that was easily felt.  Ouch.  It hurt worse to do that then to pull the embedded part of the needle out of my fingernail.  But oh so thankful that it did not hit bone.
The "funniest" part is that it is that when I did the almost same thing my senior year of high school, it was the finger right next to this thumb.  The not funny part is that in cold weather that fingers still sends shoots of pain down the whole arm.  Now there are two of them for that kind of reaction to cold.  The other not so funny part is that I am now fully aware of the power that my machine has...and a bit scared of it...but have projects waiting on me that need worked on.  The crazy headache, aching shoulder from the tetanus shot, and sheer exhaustion from all of yesterday's excitement (my stove was basically condemned yesterday, and a scary issue with the dryer vent was discovered and cleaned up also) are today's reality.
But even in the midst of all of this, God is shining through.  Last night in my quiet time, He told me to fall asleep knowing that He was holding me.  It was the quickest I ever fell asleep.  Today, a friend from church called with the news that they want to replace my back deck for me and help to make this house safe enough for us to be able to stay in, which blew me away!  (H fell down the stairs on Sat and took a 2x3 chunk out of her back...she misstepped on the broken step (which is second from the top) and slid the rest of the way down.  I know that God cares about every single one of us, but for him to put this on someone's heart, in order for us to not have to find somewhere else to go (because we just can't afford anywhere else) is amazing to me.  In my lifetime, I have seen God arrange so much for me, that maybe I should be used to His provision, but I am so grateful that I don't take it for granted and that it always blesses my socks off.
It's the time of year that the girls are itching to decorate for Christmas, and when I sat down to sew yesterday I was so preoccupied with how in the world I was going to do anything about our situation and whether or not we would even have time or a place to decorate for Christmas was definitely sidetracking me from being aware of where my foot was.
My landlord is a guy who is just trying to make it himself.  He doesn't have any spare money laying around.  And the house is beginning to show its age.  When I called him to ask if it was okay with him that the deck would be getting replaced and how it was all coming about, I swear the man almost cried with gratitude.  He just couldn't imagine that anyone would be willing to do something like this.  So, it didn't just touch me in a big way, it also touched my landlord. 
And I love the timing of all of this!  You see, this is the time of year when we should be reaching out to others and showing God's love even more than we try to the rest of the year.  To show the real reason for the season, by reaching out and being His hands and feet, letting the world know that God is still very alive, very real, and very much working in this world!  What a blessing to receive as we go into the holiday season.  And what a blessing to not have to try to move right now.
My heart is overflowing with thankfulness right now. 
Thank You, God, for using us to reach out to those around us.  Help us to have eyes to see the need, hands and feet to go into action to meet the needs you show us, and lives that reflect you all along the way!

Today is the day!

Today is a big day for so many reasons.  Top two:  it's the day that Ashford U considers me to be finished with my bachelor's degree, and the last day of the time I set aside to date only God.
While I am excited to have no more homework to do, and love that I have reached that goal of finishing up something started so long ago, I am actually in awe and almost moved speechless by what God has done in and around me in the time He asked of me.
I started this journey on June 5th, 2011 after having built up a renewed friendship with a college buddy of mine that disappeared never to be heard from (by me) again.  I knew that I was not healed enough to be attempting a relationship and needed to change my way of thinking.  So at church on that June day, in my singles' group, I felt like God asked me if I would give HIM the next 365 days.  I would love to say there was no hesitation on my part, but that is a huge commitment and while I knew that I needed that time with Him, it was a bit daunting.  But I came home, journaled it all out to Him, and made the commitment.  For the next 365 days, from that point, my focus was going to be Him, the girls, and homework...everything else was bonus and not focus.
During that time, a lot of life happened.  Which repeatedly threw me right back into His arms where I needed to be.  I learned how to journal to Him and listen to Him journal right back to me.  Which changed my life forever.  I learned how to better listen when people call me out on stuff, and then to go verify it with Him and see what parts He wanted me to learn from it.  I learned that choosing happiness is within my ability, although it is definitely not always easy.  I have been learning how to be a true friend and to have friendships that I hold very dear, and He is helping me to learn that not everyone walks away.  He provided me with two amazing friends who have blessed my life beyond belief.  He also provided me with two moms, and an accountability partner who together have teamed up with me to keep me growing and moving forward, and call me on my junk so that I don't get stuck on me.  And sprinkled my life with friends across the state, and the nation that speak belief and encouragement into my life on a daily basis.  I have walked through trials no one ever wants to experience, and He has shown me how strong He is.  And I have been able to let go of so much hurt, to forgive things I never dreamed I would be asked to forgive, to dwell on thankfuls and encourage others to do the same, and to know how treasured I am in His eyes.
Somewhere among the time, He asked me to extend it out...so June came and went, I celebrated my one year anniversary with God (we did some on the months, too, but not as regular as I should have) and the set aside time did not end, nor did the need to focus on Him, the girls, and homework.  The time was extended to today...Nov 5th, 2012. And the last 14 days of this time had a further challenge.  He asked me to stop holding on to every single little thing.  To release it and give it all to Him, and to watch what He would do with it.  These days were hard, and I had to step back from pretty much all communication that I was so much enjoying, letting Him have time to work in my life with less distractions, and to truly trust Him with even the tiniest details.  It was a really hard challenge, and one that made me look at everything in life in a different way.  I  was asked to work on maintaining a positive attitude even when the challenge was the most hard, and I did not succeed fully in doing that.  A lot of the routine and extras the girls and I had come to really enjoy, did not exist in those weeks, but it made us so much more appreciative of the time we did have with our loved ones.  And it truly opened my eyes to things I had maybe started to let get in the way a little.  And it WAS challenging!
I am nowhere near where I want to be.  But I am so thankful that I am further in the journey then I was June 5th, 2011.  God has been doing some amazing things in my life, that I would have missed out on if I hadn't been clinging to Him, and open to growing.  I have no idea what He might have for the rest of my journey, but I know without a doubt that He will always be by my side, and that I will love walking this out with Him.  My future, every single tiny part of it is in His hands.  He is free to do whatever He wants to with my life.  It's all His.

It's just about done...

(this was the view on the way home from graduation...when the sun finally came out)

I know I promised a blog post about the whole graduation road trip/experience.  But while I was overwhelmed by the support I received from my daughters, parents, and best friend, I was underwhelmed by graduation as a whole.  It was rainy and grey the whole weekend, and H struggled with separation anxiety because she could see me but not have me, and the 6 hour trip on both ends of 24 hours of jam-packed activity was a struggle.  I dealt with some crazy headaches throughout. 

The highlight of the trip showed the crazy range of emotions felt.  It was finally my row's turn to go up.  And I am standing in line waiting for my turn.  Excited that its happening, but feeling a bit disconnected from the whole thing.  I get right in front of the section my group is sitting in, and the professors are right there at the bottom.  Because of the online format of my college, I don't know what my professors look like, or if any of the ones sitting there were mine or not, and they also didn't know me.  But at that moment, H decides to reach out for me again, and I reached back.  This shared moment touched the professors and they asked if my child was up there, and how old.  I answered that she is 10, and they all looked over their shoulders to see her.  When they looked back, I was not the only one with tears in my eyes...and as I type this they are there again.  I continued on to get my picture taken, walk on stage, shake the college president's hand and receive my diploma cover, and walk down from the stage, and sit again.

But those two little gals of mine...who have had so much less of their mom as I struggled to give my best efforts to all this school work, crammed in such a short amount of time...that's what it is all about.  It's not really important to me that I graduated top of my class and was awarded summa cum laude...although I have been told repeatedly that that is an amazing accomplishment...it is, but my girls are so much more important.  They are the drive that kept me going.  

You see, I don't want to be a statistic, nor do I want them to be.  In this last class...social welfare and justice, it has been repeatedly shared the struggles of single mom families, and how the poorness that they face effects every aspect of their children from self-esteem issues, to the ridicule they get from others, to the lack of opportunities, etc.  I want more for my girls and I then to just be another single mom family trying to make it.  And I want to be able to give back to  my community.

I went to school because deep inside me is a HUGE desire to help those who face similar situations.  I would love to work with teen mothers, and with those who are wanting to give children a forever home and a chance to reach their potential.  But more than that, I want to be able to provide my girls with the nurturing environment that helps them to meet their own potential, and to thrive no matter what this life throws at them.

This week, I have been doing my last homework assignments.  With the completion of each one, I am facing a crazy amount of mixed emotions, and it is finally sinking in that I am almost finished.  All that stands between me and actually holding my real diploma is one final paper (and six weeks of wait time).  And for this class, I have truly fought hard for my grade...so not only will it be a huge accomplishment to finish the degree itself, it will be huge to finish this class with a high grade because it didn't look like it was possible during week 2.  I finished up my last four discussion post replies, and found myself battling tears as I realized it was my last chance to spread a little encouragement to these fellow students as they continue on their own journey towards their degrees.  

And a bit of overwhelmedness at the fact that this will change up EVERYTHING once again.  After this paper is turned in, school is done, homework is finished, and life comes off of hold.  It kind of feels like moving out of my parents house all over again...the amount of "freedom" seems ridiculous.  

And yet in it all, there is peace and hopeful expectation to see what God is going to do next, what step He will ask me to take next, what He wants to do with this next leg of the journey.

So, right now, I am excited and tearful all at the same time...and I say "Take my life, Lord, all of it, and use it for Your plans and Your glory!"  And my heart was just reminded that He delights in me and is loving writing my life story, and that I am loved.  (and now the tears flow yet again!  God is GOOD!)

17 Years in the making

17 years after beginning my college journey, I finally walked across the stage...to get my B.A.  
I started off trying to get an degree in Early Education...but ended up that just wasn't for me.
The thing that got me finished, and actually excites me...Psychology.
The difference...oh, just a 4.0 GPA, enabling me to graduate Sunday, October 14, 2012 with my BA in Psychology, Summa Cum Laude, and with two different honor society tassels.
One of these days, maybe I can write up what the whole weekend was like...but for now, I have a super tough class to finish up so that this can all be 100% final and official.  And this week of homework is heavier than any other weeks I have had.
So...a teaser if you will... 35 years old, and finally graduating.

Just me

As humans, we have a tendency to make assumptions and jump to conclusions.  Very rarely are we good at looking beyond first impressions or trying to walk in others' shoes.  We all can think of times where we were personally hurt by being on the receiving end of this, but I know that I do not always notice when I am doing my own snap judgments.
Where am I going with this?
It is way too easy to look at someone's facebook posts and think that you know what is going on in their lives.  But in my case (I don't claim to speak for anyone but myself here), I use facebook to help me refocus on the thankfuls, trying to be encouraging and uplifting, or asking for prayer support.  I don't put my hard times out there for anybody and everybody to see.  I have various levels of friends...and various levels of how much I share with the people around me.  And I have a desperate need to dwell on the positives instead of the negatives.  So if you judged me purely on my status updates, it would be easy to jump to the conclusion that nothing hard must ever happen to her, because its not shared.
Reality...that is not possible.  Every one on the face of the planet has struggles, times of doubt, trying situations, and downpours that threaten to wipe them of their feet.  I am no exception.
A peek into my life this week would reveal a woman who spent four hours in the ER on Sunday, the last 14 days in her house trying to get her health back, is dealing with insecurities, whose concussion seems to have knocked a screw loose, who is worried that she won't be able to handle this last class, who has had to rearrange all of her expectations for graduation and give up on the idea of throwing herself a senior prom, and who is finally cleared from the concussion to drive but whose car has to go in the shop for some extensive repair.  There's your peek. 
All that to say this...over the last three years God has been doing a mighty work in me.  I don't view life the same.  I am not the same person.  Over and over and over He has given me a myriad of opportunities to learn to trust Him, leave everything in His hands, have hope despite the hard knocks of life, to focus on the blessing among the pain, and to know that I know that I know that He is in control and can make beauty out of ashes.  I daily (sometimes minute-by-minute) CHOOSE to dwell on my blessings and give Him the time to work things out.  I struggle.  It's not easy.  I don't have a clue how some of this can work out or what life will look like tomorrow...but I know that He is there for me and will NEVER leave me.  He will not give up on me or leave me stuck in all of this.  The hard things in life are temporary and pale in the light of eternity.
Obedience to God has been one of my biggest struggles and biggest blessings at the exact same time.  And He honors every time we make the effort to follow Him in obedience.  It is always, always worth it.  And His timing is so much different then mine.
So, no...I am not perfect, and my life is not easy.  I am dealing with really trying times, just like everyone else.  But I am determined to be the one in control of my reactions and to focus more on what He is doing and the blessings He has all around me.  And I don't want to do a single thing to make someone else's life harder or to bring them down.  I want to use my life to be an encouragement to those around me and a testament of what God is doing in and around me.  I choose to be happy in Him, rest in Him, and leave it all in His hands...which allows me to live in His peace that passes all understanding.
That's just who I am and who He is helping me to be.

Seriously?!?

I love to make people laugh...and  right now there just seem to be so many things that make me stop and go, Really?  Seriously, Becky?!!?
So I thought I would do my own top ten...

10.  I seriously made this comment on Saturday... "Thank you Pumpkin Fairy!" after the mess on the dining room table was cleaned up. 
9.  The motivation of homework to work on got me out of bed on Thursday.
8.  I couldn't even sit up on Wednesday last week, but had to be told by two mothers and an ER doctor before I realized exactly how sick I was, and why all I could handle was resting...
7.  Three days out of the ER, and my arm just now decides to break out in a dermatitis rash in reaction to the IV, tape, and stuff pumped through my body on Sun.
6.  The concussion caused some crazy confusion, but I was still trying to be super mom, and deal with stuff that was beyond my control and that I wouldn't have even attempted to try to deal with before...finding myself having to apologize to anyone brave enough to hang out with me.
5.  I haven't been able to sew in a month or so, and just realized this morning how much I have been missing it.
4.  Knowing the baby was coming today filled me with excitement.  Not sure anyone else can say that babysitting makes their day?
3.  The idea of driving again makes me so excited I think it raises my blood pressure.
2.  I think I am absolutely hilarious around 8 o'clock every night, but I am the only one that laughs at my jokes.
1.  Someone pranked me by ordering a wedding magazine for me, it was brought into the house by my best friend, and I didn't even notice it for days.

I don't know if any of the rest of you can say that your life looks anything like the ten things I just shared (although my friend Betsy has some of the weirdest things happen to her, and her stories make my list pale in comparison).  But you almost just have to laugh.  And there is so much healing in laughter (although I don't recommend it with a concussion headache...that causes leaky eyes).
To keep the top ten going...

Top ten thankfuls for today.
10.  Random encouragement from friends.
9.  Instant messaging my Tenn mom, and knowing she won't give up on me even if I am acting completely out of character.
8.  Reminders that God's promises will always be true.
7.  Phone call just to check on me.
6.  Laughing with friends, even if its just through the internet and you know both parties are cracking up in their own houses.
5.  Losing myself in pinterest, just because.
4.  Phenomenal Christian fiction that can hold even my impaired attention.
3.  Nap time.
2.  Children's smiles.
1.  A God who never gives up on me, and is never far away!

Determined to be thankful anyways

Okay, so in case you haven't caught it lately, I went from the crazy heart-breaking drama to being sick as a dog.  I am in my 8th week of a cough that won't quit, but mainly happens when I am trying to walk around.  And in my 11th day since getting a rather nasty concussion.  Six days into the upper respiratory infection rearing back up severely and have made two trips to the ER in a seven day period, as well as being put on a super strong antibiotic in the middle of the two trips.  On top of all that, I finished up my second to last class without even falling behind or having to ask for extensions, in fact having all the homework turned in three days before class ended.  I have been unable to do much of anything other than rest in the 11 days, but especially in the last six.  To be brutally honest, the fight has been so draining that my body was ready to call it quits. 
All that to say this...I am determined to overcome this too...to get healthy again...to not miss walking for graduation in two weeks, and to recover from the concussion enough to be able to drive again.  And one of the ways that I have learned to over come is to put it all in God's hands, and keep doing so everytime I take it on again, and to find things to be thankful for.
So today's list:
being able to take pics of my daughter and her best friend working on a pumpkin and flying in the air on the trampoline, before having to rest again on sat.
having amazing friends that have come along side me, driven me where I needed to go, helped with the girls, and sat with me in the hospital.
getting ready to start the very last class in the morning.
having the crazy support of my parents even when I am definitely overreacting...and mom's ability to calm me down.
being forgiven and understood by friends who realize that I am NOT myself right now, and not thinking clearly
being checked on...that is an amazing feeling that I do not take for granted.
having the first day in 10 that my head and/or lungs are not causing insane amounts of pain.
that the babysitter yesterday helped the girls to clean up the kitchen.
bonfires.
chats with Naomi and Wanda.  (lifesavers, literally, over the last few weeks)
the patience and wisdom and strength of my best friend.
working towards reconciliation and restoration.
the fact that my girls are very good at entertaining themselves.
the first school pictures we have ever gotten...H got a full package because I helped with picture day at school.
cherry coke.  chex mix.  and Kix cereal
my recliner, my Bible, and my computer.
cooler weather and open windows...sometimes the closest I get to being outside.

There is always so much to be thankful for.  And I am determined that I am not going to sit around and pout just because this is dragging on so long.  I am determined that it is not going to kick me and keep me down.  And I have an amazing amount of prayer support backing me up...so this is totally do-able.  One day at a time.

Full of expectations

If you know me (and boy do I not take it for granted that you do...because there is so much that is still raw and painful from assumptions based on people who should know me, but don't)... then you know that I do not often allow myself to have expectations.  So the fact that the title of today's post is full of expectations is proof of how much growing and healing God has been doing in me.
You see, its so much easier to just not expect anything of anybody...because then you don't make assumptions that prove to be false or unfounded, and its not as easy to be let down if someone doesn't act the way you expected.
But with hope, there is somewhat expectations.
I guess (if you can muddle through the concussion-caused struggle to come up with what I am trying to say) I am trying to say that I have expectant hope right now.  There are some big things coming up that the girls and I have been putting a lot of time and effort into accomplishing.
I started college fresh out of high school...fall of '95.  I fully expected to spend four years in college, graduate, and teach.  That was the dream/plan since beginning to babysit in seventh grade for my favorite reading teacher's daughter...if not before.
But life has always been a bit funny...things don't quite take the quick route that I believe it will.  The process always tends to be longer and harder then imagined.  I transferred colleges three times, and stuck with it for five years.  Settled for an associate's degree after getting married.  Threw myself into the joys of being a mom and wife.  Even in that, I couldn't quite "get it right".  That part lasted just shy of ten years, with me finding myself celebrating Christmas with my girls on what should have been my tenth wedding anniversary, then kissing them goodnight so they could climb into their dad's car to spend Christmas with him.  Fastforward a bit, and I found myself divorced, moved three hours from what used to be normal, and free to go back to college.
Reading a textbook every five weeks, filled with papers, quizzes, two weekly discussion posts with four weekly replies, final papers every fifth week, and new teacher expectations the next Tuesday when another class started.... all of which made the year and five months fly by.  There was only one week off for Christmas break in the middle of all of that.  The successful completion of each class was celebrated by the girls and I, and it never once ceased to amaze me that I got another A.  The GPA and honors resulting from that 4.0 still amaze me...I keep having to look to remind myself that its not a dream...its reality.
I am in my final week of my second to last class.  17 days away from walking down the aisle, surrounded by hundreds of people I have never met (among which will be seated 5 people that are very special to me), with three high honors signified by things draped around my neck, getting the Bachelor's degree that seemed so elusive before.  I was going after the wrong degree before, and a degree in Psychology is what finally got me finished.
And what is the point of all this.  Finally finishing what was started so many years ago.  Showing my daughters that you can bounce back from anything, and with perseverance and determination can reach whatever goal you set for yourself.  Having something to be proud of myself for.  And hopefully, that God can use in amazing ways.
I don't know what He is going to do with my future or my degree.  But oh the many times that He has reassuringly promised me that He knows exactly what He wants to use it for, and how He wants to use me.  So, finally, this little gal is filled with expectations...that God is going to do something big and wonderful with my life, and that all the work and the wait will have been more than worth it.
Expectant hope!

No guarantees...

There are no guarantees in life.  We aren't promised a new day, a new sunrise, another day with the people we love.  Things can change in the blink of an eye.  Even the most mundane of tasks can change life as you know it.
For instance, I was putting a stroller in the car of the gal that I babysit for on Thursday morning.  The trunk lid decides it doesn't want to stay up anymore and comes crashing down on my head (repeated it later for her, too, so it wasn't just trying to pick on me).  The latch part of of the trunk of this older vehicle slammed into the center top of my skull.  No swelling, no cut, just red mark on my head and amazing headache.  And then shortly after, some crazy brain swelling.  Concussion #4.  All of a sudden, I am having trouble forming thoughts, remembering who I have talked to, and sleepy as all get out.  Spent the next 48 hours sleeping off and on.  Today is the first time I have been able to sit still and not instantly fall asleep, although I am fighting it off right now.
All that to say, we just don't know.  We don't know if this is the last time we might get to spend with our favorite person.  Something can happen to end a life, or erase memories, that you just can't get back.
So this has brought up a lot of conversation and thought.  Since there is no guarantee in life that you will ever have another chance...do you live each day like it might be your last?  Do you try to get all the things on your bucket list done quickly, or savor them over time?  Where do you draw the line between going for what you want, and waiting on God and His perfect timing?
All of us have questions like these.  All of us know of stories where a life was cut short and maybe they didn't get to tell someone how they felt or how much they were appreciated.  There are so many instances in life where we just don't know...do we wait and see what happens down the line, or do we speak up now.  I know that I am not the only one who has been in this position before.  We all can think of things we wished we had said, done, or shared before it was "too late".
But, that being said, there is so much about life that is learned as we walk the journey, go through the process.  Life lessons that would have been learned no other way except by waiting, and going one step at a time.  (and if I sound rambly, and like I am not making any sense, I apologize, its the concussion and brain-squeezing talking here).  There is so much about the last three years where I have known God to say, "slow down, Becky, just wait.  It will be worth it.  You won't miss what I am working on for you."  How do you argue with that?
So, yes...we have no guarantees in life.  Life can change in a split second.  You can be injured going about your daily life and things change in the blink of an eye.  But, even in all of that, God is still GOD.  He hasn't changed.  His promises are still so very true.  He doesn't ask us to wait for nothing; He wants us to learn through the processes; He will always be there with us.  And the wait will always be worth it, when its what He has asked of us.  No guarantees isn't quite true...we are guaranteed that He will always be who He said He is, doing what He is doing, showing us the way to go.  And that is enough.

How to...

Sunday in our small group discussion, we were continuing our series on forgiveness, and how to move forward in life in general.  The thought came up about how everything we need to know, to do it "right" is in the Bible.  So we failed at X in the past...we go to the Bible, read about how to do it the way God intended, and begin a new...fresh...with His wisdom and grace.
Life changes constantly.  It flips you around and makes right side up look like upside down.  But God never changes, and His word never changes.  His expectations are still the same.
Ran across Psalm 63 last night...which is full of action that we can do...to move forward, and keep growing in Him.

O God, you are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; my soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,  in a dry and weary land where there is no water.  Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory, because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips with praise you.  So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.  My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.  When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches, for You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.  My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.  Psalm 63:1-8

Actions I can do while waiting:
Earnestly seek Him
Thirst for Him
Yearn for Him
See Him
Praise Him
Bless Him.
Lift my hands to Him
Be satisfied in Him
Offer praise with joyful lips
Remember Him and all He has done
Meditate on Him
Sing for joy
Cling to Him

What is He doing in the meantime?
Sharing His power with me. 
Making Himself visible
Being the same God yesterday, today, and forever
Loving me...and His lovingkindness is better than life!
Being my HELP
Tucking me in the shadow of His wings.
Upholding me.

He also is guiding me down the path He has for me, crossing paths with others when He says it is time, building me up in Him, helping me to reach my potential, providing opportunities for my growth, disciplining me and keeping me in line.  He never leaves me...never forsakes me...always encourages me.  Gives me the strength and wisdom to walk this walk.  He shows me what He wants me to be doing as I wait.

Restless...

It's Friday.  And one of the very few Friday nights where I will have no kiddos and could just go out and be with adults.  But, the person I want to spend the evening with and I are still off.  I so much wanted to send a text today that said...bonfire...my house...just you and me?  But I didn't have the guts to send it, because its been an emotional week and I just don't have what it takes for it to be ignored or rejected.  So, I sit here...all restless wishing that things were different.  Almost wishing for a fast forward button to get to the other side of this.  And then remembering that God keeps telling me that the process is important here.  If I fast forward, I lose everything I am supposed to learn in the process.
On a day where the baby only slept for 15 minutes, three times today, and when I was attempting to write a paper, and a half day for the girls, on top of all the emotions and fallout...I can actually understand why someone might want a drink and friends to just get away from it all and relax.  (and for those of you who know me...that is pretty big...because I don't drink...) 
"Off" is not a comfortable place to abide in.  It can create restlessness.  It can create ulcers, too, but we won't go there.  I am in the middle of a big journey.  I don't know what the path looks like or how long it will take, but I know the author of the steps that are meant for me to take.  And even in the times of restless, I need to trust...and allow Him to do His thing.
Maybe I will just use tonight and tomorrow during the day to edit today's paper and read a good book.  Can't go anywhere because the car is being loaned out for a good cause.  So, I will just try to find peace again, and trust that God knows what He is doing, why He is doing it, and how He is going to use every part of this for my good.

A different kind of quiet...

Okay...so still attempting to get used to the new normal.  And struggling a bit today with it.  I am sure that the grey overcast sky, among other things, is not really helping it out much.  But the thing that has been the hardest to get used to is the sudden silence.  Not silence as in noise, so much as the new level/lack of communication between me and the people I am/was closest to.  Because of my past, I probably will always struggle with the silent treatment.  But, I used to spend much of the day texting with my two best friends, as well as other friends.  It was always a welcome break to homework and welcome change to the sameness of my days.  But texting is almost non-existent right now...and I am not sure why.  I mean there are reasons that I do know, and I am trying to be understanding.  But for all texting to drop off?  I miss it.  The silly little things that we all used to randomly text during the day to make each other smile or laugh, or to start up a conversation.  The little random ways that we expressed appreciation to each other.  Even just venting a bit.  All of that was huge to me as an adult home all day doing homework, or being surrounded by children more than adults.  For it to go missing at the same time that I am trying to wrap my head and heart around all of this other stuff is really hard for me.  Especially when I had no say in any of this, and would have never dreamed it would ever happen, let alone be able to fathom all the fall out from it.
On top of all that, I am back to second-guessing myself, which prevents me from sending the first text every day, or reaching out for help, or even feeling as if I have a right to expect others to still be my friend.  Just being honest here...its been pretty difficult over the last few weeks knowing what to expect of others, and trying to figure out what is expected of me.  I literally have no clue.  So, I have been clinging to God and His promises for me, and holding tight to the idea that He will see me through this time too and has a great plan for my life.  I don't have what it takes right now to communicate what I "need" with those around me, because I already feel like they have had to deal with so much lately just because they are friends with me.  The girls and I have had so many people just up and disappear that it is hard for us to wrap our heads around the idea that not everyone leaves when times get hard...
All that to say this.  I am not enjoying this new kind of quiet.  I am not enjoying second-guessing myself at every turn and feeling as if I have moved backwards instead of forwards.  But then, again, God pops up the story of Joseph into my head.  He was made fun of and taunted, sold into slavery, accused of doing things to Potiphar's wife that he not only didn't do but removed himself from the situation, thrown into jail, and then became second in command to the highest authority in the land, right at the right moment, in order to be able to turn around and provide for the very family that started the snowball rolling in the first place.  He could have refused to help, or been bitter and unforgiving.  But no.  He made the comment that what man meant for harm, God used for good. 
I don't have a clue where all of this is leading to.  I just know that in the moment, right now, I have tears yet again, because none of this is easy or comfortable.  Everything has changed.  I don't know up from down or what roles in my life people are willing to play or will play.  I don't even know how all of this will get resolved.  And I am missing the easy friendships that I used to have with two key players in my life story.  But God can see the whole picture...He knows the process I need to go through in order to get to the place He wants me to be...and He knows exactly how much I need Him in order to make it through this.  Everyone else may walk away, but He never will.  He never changes.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow...making the way for me to keep following and walking with Him.  Every single step that I will take in faith.  He holds onto my hand, delights in me, and wants to walk all of this out with me.
So rather than sitting around whining about what doesn't exist right now in life...I need to be thankful for what I have, for the fact that I am still the daughter of the King (who greatly loves me and delights in me), to buckle down and work on homework, and to raise these two beautiful daughters of mine.  The rest of it will all figure itself out down the road, as God directs.

Remembering...

Not only can I very easily remember exactly what I was doing 11 years ago today, bawling while watching the television reports of 9-11, trying to keep my one year old calm... I can also remember very clearly 10 years ago today.  I had just been released from a three month period of extreme bedrest, and was praying that the little girl that had already been stopped multiple times from coming early would not choose this day as her birthday.   (I also was hoping she wouldn't choose Friday the 13th to arrive either.  (Much to my surprise, and by no say on either one of our parts, she was born smack dab in the middle, following a high risk doctor's appointment that they didn't let me go home from.)
 As a nation we were very much still grieving the events of 9-11, and spending the day in remembrance, prayer, talks, etc.  Each of us was dealing with things in their own way.
That is still true all these years later.  We promise not to forget the sacrifices that were made, we express our gratitude for the freedom we so enjoy, and we snuggle our loved ones close.
We can't wrap our heads, still, around the tragedy and reason for the loss of so many.  But we can still trust that God is at work.  And watch to see what He does.
As we remember...my heart is filled with gratitude, appreciation, and remembrance.

Destination Unknown

Have you ever come across a trail you have never walked before?  Part of you is excited because of what you might get to see or run across on the journey, and part hesitant not knowing what lies ahead.
So much of life is like that.  We go through circumstances we never face before, or never dreamed we would need to face, and there is excitement mixed with I-don't-know. 
Right now...I have said I don't know or I just don't know so many times that I feel like a broken record.  But underneath it all, there is a sense of peace and an expectant hope waiting to see what God does with this mess and how He will use it in my life.  I don't believe in coincidences or wasted experience...everything holds the possibility to learn from, move forward, and be stronger because of it.  If nothing else, it can be useful to draw me ever closer into His arms.
That's right where I am at right now.  I am not emotional, although I am exhausted.  I am just calmly walking, looking around at all the new things along the way, eyes wide open.
I have no earthly idea what is around that curve in the trail, but I am fully aware that there isn't a part of that trail that God can't see, that He hasn't already given me the ability to face.  And because my eyes are wide open, I am more alert to what He is doing, and excited to see each new step.  I am not missing the little details that maybe I would be if I weren't watching.
There is NO way to truly know what is on the path ahead.  But there is a way to confidently walk it, knowing that God already knows each step needed, how many steps it will take to go through it, who I will need along the way to help me face it, how many potholes might jump out and trip me up, and the amount of strength I will need for the journey.  He already has made the way for me!

Time for a fresh start

Today in class we talked about forgiveness (again...we are in the middle of a study) and it was mentioned that there are three things that forgiveness should be...immediate, unilateral, and total...Meaning, you forgive right then and there to keep the lines of communication open between you and God, not some random day when you start to feel like it.  You forgive everyone, no exceptions, no matter what the offense or who the person is...and you don't keep it going.  And total...you don't hold on to a piece of it and forgive everything but this one part...you forgive all of it and it is not a continued issue between you and that other person, or you and anyone else either.
So in our small group time, we were asked which of those three was the hardest for us.  Honestly, I have gotten to practice forgiveness a lot lately...and it was one of those things where I just made the decision right then and there to put these things in God's hands and not hold onto any of them.  Not because I am good at forgiveness, but because it has all been so big that I haven't had a clue what to do with any of it other than to hand it to Him.  All of it, as it surfaced, and then again when other pieces came up...nothing held onto.  And I also have gone out of my way not to talk about it or pick it back up again.  Because I JUST CAN'T!
My parents firmly laid a foundation of forgiveness with us as kiddos...and I have had some hard tests on this one.  But I don't hold a grudge against anyone...I refuse because it eats me up. 
Here's where it all comes down for me.  CLEAN SLATE.  Today is a new day.  Now there are some people that I know its just not healthy for me to be around.  But there are others...friends and acquaintances and family members...that I want to live life with.  I don't hold anything against anyone.  Today is a new day.  Yesterday's drama is over and done with.  I am not going to keep rehashing any of it...that's the stand I have taken the whole time.  Yes, the hurt is still trying to wear off, and new information pops up that has to be grieved and handed to God, but I am not holding any of this over anyone's heads.  It happened...people reacted the way they wanted to.  I am not accountable for anyone's reactions/decisions but mine.  And my decision is to move FORWARD.  Forgiveness has already been given and every single detail is in God's hands, where it has been this whole time.  It's time to start over, begin again, new day, a bit wiser perhaps.
So, this is what I say...
Hi.  My name is Becky.  You look like someone I would really like to be friends with.  Let's hang out sometime.

Blessed Rest

Yesterday I found out that I am fighting off an upper respiratory infection on top of everything else.  Not surprising seeing as how I have been fighting off cold/allergy symptoms for five weeks now, and hadn't slept well since last Thursday night.  I also have already lost some weight.  They put me on an antibiotic I have never been on before and warned me to stay out of sunlight and drink lots extra.  This morning trying to get the girls ready for school and watch the little guy I babysit, I was so nauseous I wasn't sure I was going to be able to walk to school.
With everything else that has been going on, and how extremely quiet my week got, it took me a bit to figure out what my options were.  I knew that I wouldn't feel like I could rest because I was afraid I would miss something the baby needed.  I needed backup.
So I sent a text.  And it was quickly responded to.  Before lunch time, I was no longer the only adult in the house and I spent most of the rest of the day asleep when the baby was asleep.  Something I would not have been able to do without help...just knowing another person was there gave me the ability to rest.
I have discovered that in life, God does exactly that for me.  He is there, present, with me.  He provides the peace, safety, and rest that I need to be able to just let go and be.  That's never been all that easy for me, but I am definitely learning...and putting it into practice right now.  I tend to be a fixer...a do-er.  So to sit back, and let Him do all the "work" and watching to see what He will do with all of this, is new and different for me.  And not altogether comfortable.  But in the midst of it all is an underlying peace that I cannot explain outside of His presence in this.
I don't have a clue.  Honestly.  There is nothing I can do about current circumstances other than leave them in His hands, and wait.  I could be making a bigger mess out of it all if I were going around trying to fix it, or was talking to everyone in the world about it, or whatever.  But I am choosing to sit, wait, watch.  Trying to stay out of His way and let Him be God and turn this into something good.  Working on trusting, and not second-guessing everything all over again.  Resting in Him and in His promises. 
Guess what I am discovering?  Yes, every thing looks different...life is not the same.  But there are things to be thankful for, there are things that are bringing smiles to my face again, and I have made it three days now without body-wrenching sobs.  Eventually, I will even get back to the point where I can look forward to some of the big things coming up again...even though they won't be anything like what I had pictured they would be.  And in the end...at the very least...I will be stronger and more able to help others... and hopefully God's grace, love, mercy, etc will shine through every step of the way...through me, through those around me, and through the works that He does!

...In the middle...

...In the midst of all this, there have been scattered things that just have to make you smile.  For example, Friday night we desperately needed sidetracked.  So we went walking around Independence Center.  H was actually in a mood where she "allowed" me to go in Deb.  Rarely happens.  Anyways, this $159 dress was on clearance for $20, so I try it on.  Fits perfect, but even better made me feel festive and beautiful.  Both super needed.  Go to pay for it and it rings up for $10.  Makes it that much more fun.  And makes finishing school seem a little more real and excited...or at least it did Friday night.
Fast forward to Monday.  More drama...with super painful fallout...and this had nothing to do with me.  I wasn't in on the decision...I was an hour away.  But I got burned.  And then, all of a sudden, I am no longer looking forward to graduation ceremonies or senior prom...because it just won't be the same.
So, there is this gorgeous dress hanging from my closet door in its plastic wrap.  I put it on and tried to cheer myself by taking pictures and trying to show how pretty the bottom of it was.  The only thing is, every single picture very clearly revealed the broken heart...no matter what facial expression I made.  It was hard to look at the pics let alone try to edit them.  This one showed some of the fun of the bottom of the skirt, and cropped this way took all the dirty house out of the pic.  And I ended up loving the way it looked...the focus is the dress, which was the point.  Anyways, wearing the dress couldn't take the pain out of the equation.
Kind of like having the outside be beautiful and the inside not.  There are so many people walking around this world that have it all put together on the outside, but on the inside they are in pain and feeling as if they were faking everything...miserable.  Sometimes there are glimpses of that for the outside world to see.  What do you do when you get a glimpse?  Do you run the other way so that it won't "rub off on you" or do you come alongside them and try to walk it out with them and be a blessing in their life?
I think one of the hardest things today about all of this...and the continuing fallout...is the fact that I had a very full life with lots of time with close friends.  That is not how it has been this week.  Maybe I am not good at letting others know I need help.  Maybe I understand the need/feeling to almost tuck into oneself.  Maybe I can't stand the thought that they might be avoiding me, and that they might prove to have walked away also.  Maybe I am just not as strong as everyone assumes.  Maybe I don't want to be a burden on anyone or take the chance that I might bring them down.  Maybe I am trying super hard not to be scared.  Maybe its a little bit of all of that.  But three people that I normally talk to on a regular basis...lots of conversation, I haven't talked to at all today.  And tonight, I don't know what to do with that.
Am I truly strong enough to walk this road?  Can I keep looking for the things to be thankful for among all this, to change my mood and keep myself from drowning in all of this?  Can I choose, above all else, to truly trust that God's hand is at work in all this and He knows what He is doing?  And how do I keep doing all of that?
I don't know if anyone actually reads these posts...but I hope that if you do, you would pray for the three of us girls as we try to figure out how to keep going despite the fact that most of what we had just begun to be truly thankful for and truly enjoy in this life of ours seems to have been wiped out in one swoop...literally.  The friendships that we have spent the last year building and growing have taken a blow that it seems would take a miracle to survive.  I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it doesn't even touch what we have been walking.  I have always struggled when others use the silent treatment towards me...and that is definitely a part of this current reality. 
And yet, there is peace in the silence.  [I don't handle silence well, but even among the silence...deep down there is reassurance that we will eventually make it out of this, too].  And stronger.  And more sympathetic to so many more hard things in this life.  Able to really be there for others in their hard times.  Which has always made things seem more bearable to me.  So we just keep moving...
(and if nothing else, there seems to be so much to blog out!)

Putting one foot in front of each other...

Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord--for we walk by faith, not by sight--  2 Cor. 5:6-7

There are times in life that we just have to walk, not having a clue what we are doing or where we are headed.  Trusting that God is carrying us, walking alongside us, and giving us the strength to do all that He asks of us along the way.  Waiting on Him.  Expectantly watching to see what He will be doing.  Hoping in Him alone.  Leaving it all in His hands.  Staying silent.

Yep...that's where I am at.  Nothing makes sense.  Upside down is right side up and vice versa.  Things I never imagined would ever be done, have been done.  I can't see how any of this will ever be settled or okay again.  Some relationships seem strained beyond repair...and I am choosing to remain silent, leaving all of this in God's hands.  I am a fixer, but there is nothing that I can do to "fix" this.  It just has to be walked through.  So, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, just going to walk this out.

We NEVER have to walk these things out on our own.  God is always right there beside us.  He knows what He is doing.  He provides the support we so desperately need, and sends just the right people to walk it with us.  Step back...stay quiet...see what He is going to do!

Beginning to climb...

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.  Put on the whole armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.  Stand firm, therefore, having girded your loins with TRUTH, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the Gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  Ephesians 6:10-17

Sometimes in life, people's accusations are more than we know how to possibly handle.  Rather than sharing my incredible pain, and continue to rehash it, I just ask that you think of the worse nightmare that YOU can think of.  Now, imagine the gamot of emotions and pain that would run through you while you walk it out.  And how the fallout might play out.  And how people take sides even without meaning to, or trying to.  Don't forget to think about how friends and family might react, and how this will effect you, your kids, your ability to handle things, and whether or not you can look forward to anything for the moment.
Okay, well, I know you are just imagining how it MIGHT feel, and it is not truly possible to know your reaction when you aren't actually walking in it...but you can still imagine what this might be like.  Nothing fun about it...and nobody wants to walk it.  Nobody.
Well, that's where I am.  Right in the middle of it.  Feels like a black hole that I can't possibly make it through.  But I know better!  You see, God promises repeatedly in His Bible that there is not a single thing that will ever happen to His children that we won't be able to walk through with His help.  There is not a single thing about this that is easy.  I didn't know pain could feel like this (and if you know my story at all, you know that I have gone through some crazy pain).  I don't have a clue how it will end up.  All I know is that right now, in this specific moment, in the midst of the hurtful things being said, assumptions being made, and people scrambling to protect themselves...it doesn't make sense...it doesn't seem do-able...and it feels as if nothing will ever be the same again.
The above verse keeps popping in my head.  This battle is not mine to fight.  There is an underlying current that has nothing to do with the accusations or the words others have said.  There is not a single thing that I can do to make things better...but anything that I say could very well make things worse.  So, I am putting on my armor...and I am letting God fight this battle for me.  And I am watching Him to see what He is planning to do with all of this...expectant hope  The story of Joseph also pops in my head often...like the scripture that says what man meant for harm, God used for good.  And Romans 8:28 where He promises that He can make all things good.
All the things that we have talked about in past discussion posts are still true...the things that God has taught me to do in order to successfully walk with Him in the midst of the hards.  Find things to be thankful for.  Praise Him in the midst of the storm.  Wait on Him.  Actively do the things I know I am supposed to do... like focus on Him, the girls, and school.  I can even skate until I am ready to drop.  Take care of those I love.  Be there for my friends as I am allowed.  And keep hoping and resting in HIM!
It looks bleak right now...but that does not change who God is or what He is actively doing.  I may not be able to look forward to any of the big things that are coming up for us in the near future, but that doesn't mean that God won't eventually get me to that point.  So...I am just working on TRUSTING and leaving it all in His hands.  (and appreciating the prayers of those who love and care for me!)

Too Happy or Too Thankful?

The class I just started yesterday is Informal Logic...which may have gotten me started thinking along these lines.  Or maybe it is all the drama and accusations I have heard aimed at me lately.  Or maybe its just the fact that extremes seem to be slapping me around.  I don't know.  Regardless, I got to thinking (after reading two chapters of my newest textbook, and watching the movie Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close...where the father and son enjoy coming up with as many oxymoron type statements as possible)...do you believe that someone can be too happy or too thankful? As human beings, is there any such thing?  Is it even possible?  It seems like it is just too darn easy to be negative or fail to be thankful.  But, with a teeny tiny bit of effort, it truly is not hard to find things to be thankful for, which in turn helps to turn a sour mood into a happy one.  So, it seems as if (and this totally supports what God has been working on in me over the past two years) that if I choose to focus on my thankfuls, I will in turn also facilitate a happy outlook or attitude.  The two go so hand in hand that I don't think they can be separated easily.  And I have NEVER seen a thankful person that wasn't happy!  Not ever.  And I have never seen a happy person that wasn't thankful.
Life has been incredibly tough lately.  Routines changed back up again as the girls headed back to school, I started babysitting, and as I try to continue focusing on school in order to keep up the GPA with a major case of senioritis.  On top of that, graduation is feeling more real...I have gotten some recent recognition for the crazy high GPA, joining Golden Key National Honour Society, and getting inducted into Alpha Sigma Lambda, my cap and gown have arrived, and October is quickly approaching.  The Butchers are wrapping up their 2012 season.  Life is crazy busy...and this doesn't even touch on the drama that is a roaring undercurrent of life right now (but avoidable if I just ignore phone calls).
But even in the middle of all the craziness there is just a huge amount of things to be thankful for.  So, today on Facebook, I invited my friends to play along with a game that I call "Too Thankful"  (which is a total play on the word two).  To play the game, you simply list things that you are thankful for, but each item has to be made up of two words.  I will share examples in a minute.
In case you didn't catch this earlier, I don't think there is such a thing as being too thankful...or too happy.  I think we often times cheat ourselves out of both...and that a change of focus would help to make both things more prominent in our lives.  If we want to live lives that are happier and more thankful, all we have to do is think on the blessings of life...all the many many things we have to be thankful for, and I promise you that you will be able to feel a difference in your very soul.  I believe that we make God smile every time that we choose to focus on the thankfuls and the happys!  We are truly so blessed in this life of ours.  Even in the bitter, hard times, we can still choose what we are going to focus on...which will effect our mood!  I choose happy!  (I can't stand being sad!)
Anyways, I am going to end by playing the same game that I put on Facebook, and I encourage you to play along.  Leave a comment below with your own list of two-worded thankfuls and then let me know after you come up with your list if it helped to change your mood or not!
Here's my "short "list:
Precious Daughters
New Beginnings
Belly Laughs
Funny Jokes
Best Friends
Good communication
Homemade Goodies
Comfy clothes
Overcoming Adversity
Being Known
Helping Others
Being Real
Knowing God
Baby smiles
Encouraging Messages
Roller Skating
Shared Memories
Big Hugs
Strong Finishes

Happys in the Middle of it all

 These pictures are just a small handful of my favorites taken this past weekend with the new camera.  In the last two weeks, I have heard various (and often opposing) opinions from many, many people...Opinions on what I am doing wrong, what I am failing to do, discovering accusations/assumptions being discussed behind my back, being told that I was old-fashioned (okay, honestly that one was a compliment!), and being told I am too positive to understand the pain of life, etc, etc, etc.  But in the middle of all the drama, accusations, and assumptions, there have definitely been some happy moments!  And God has taught me to dwell on those and share those with others.
1.  I was struggling with the desire to buy the new camera, but not feeling able to spend that kind of money.  I had it budgeted for this semester, and after one crazy hurtful phone call suddenly felt the need for some retail therapy...and the dream camera became mine.  And make a fun recycled-denim quilted backpack for the camera.
2.  I finally joined the Golden Key International Honour Society, after getting my second invitation and qualifying as the top 15% of my college.  And ordered my cap and gown for graduation!  Big steps that helped to make it all seem a little more real!
3.  I was able to buy first day of school outfits (first two days?) for the girls and finish up school supplies with my parents help.
4.  My kiddos and one of my best friends indulged me on Saturday and we drove around the city taking pictures and learning settings on the new camera.
5.  I was able to catch two amazing action shots at the KCRW/Roller Runts bout on Saturday night, and my oldest daughter went with me, which was fun!
6.  I got to see my friend Naomi's daughter be baptized and capture a picture of her happiness/excitement upon coming back out of the water.  And then spend the afternoon just hanging out.
7.  I got H's medical bills paid for...my bills paid for...the sewing machine paid off!
8.  I was surrounded with trusted friends tonight, sharing food, laughter, and bowling on the Wii...and it was a night to enjoy and be thankful for!
Even in the midst of some crazy flying words, and hurtful assumptions, I have had some crazy fun big moments of happy!  And I refuse to let them get lost among the sads.
Life is NOT easy.  It is NOT pain free.  Mainly because of free-will and the fact that we live among hurting individuals that often have no clue how much their words hurt others.  But there are always things that we can find to be thankful for and happy about...joy in the midst of sorrow.  I have been saying for awhile now that we always have a choice how we are going to react.  We can choose to perpetuate the painful, or we can choose to adjust and redirect our thoughts/action/attention to the joy among the pain.  It's always there if we look hard enough.  I have so many more things then these to be thankful for.  We can sit in our misery, or we can get up and sidetrack ourselves and make some positive memories (while our heart grieves and overcomes the pain).  I make no apologies for seeking out positives!  God is good...even when life is hard!

Just a little piece of the big picture

No one ever said life was easy.  There are many moments that you might wish you could erase or do over.  Sometimes I even find myself saying, If I hadn't of been there, that would not have happened.
Yesterday I learned that I CAN get incredibly embarrassed.  To the point of wanting to run.  Now, if you have been reading my posts for any length of time at all, you know that God has been working with me on exactly that reflex.  But, oh, last night was so hard to bounce back from.  However, I refuse to not bounce back.  I almost walked away from something that has brought me a lot of joy and fun opportunities...because of embarrassment.  So, I did what I know.  I got in touch with my accountability partners.  I kept my commitments.  I forced myself not to sulk/pout/cry.  And then when I got home, I journaled it all out to God.  And when it came time for Him to talk back to me, you know the first thing He said..."be still.  You spent all night being crazy loud to down out your own thoughts.  Be still, and be quiet WITH Me."  There was more.  two pages worth.  But rereading it tonight, the part that stood out to me the most was the following: "Let Me build you back up.  Tomorrow--spend time in My word.  Read.  Cry if you need to.  Let Me help you forgive.  Watch what I do with all of this.  Walk it out with Me.  Be sold out for Me.  You are still My beloved--their words don't change a thing."  That is HUGE to me.  And reassuring.  And CHALLENGING.  I don't know entirely what that looks like.  But WOW!  To have the Creator of the universe willing to talk to me, to build me back up, to challenge me, to walk it with me...honestly, how could a girl ask for more?
I learned a long time ago that God KNOWS me.  Every little part about me.  And He chooses to continue a relationship with me...without giving up on me.  He knows me so well, that He has repeatedly told me that He only shows me the part of the picture I need to know right now...because He is aware that more than that would flip me out.  He doesn't want me to be flipped out...because I am sidetracked and frankly stupid when I am living that way.  He wants me to be trusting Him, walking with Him, and knowing that He has it all under control.  He already knows every detail of the big picture.  And He shows me the next step...when I need to take it.  He doesn't mind reassuring me as often as I need it.  He knows all of my baggage, and exactly how He is going to help me overcome it.  He knows every single time that I have been verbally beat up.  And He loves me through it all.  He rejoices with me.  He gives me everything I need in order to do the next thing that He asks of me.  He knows ahead of time exactly how each life event will effect me, who I will need around me to successfully make it through each part, how I will react, how long it might take me to bounce back, and He knows the example that I want to be for my daughters.
We live in a world that knows they are missing SOMETHING, and are doing their best to fill that void.  As Christians, we know the answer.  But being judgmental isn't going to help anyone.  Getting in their face won't help.  Calling them out on what we think they might be doing wrong isn't going to help.  Running away when we are hurt by words or actions doesn't help either.  I am beginning to think that the most helpful thing we can do is to live in this world, for God, in a way that is different and set apart...sold out for God purely because we love Him and want lives that honor Him, daily walking beside those people we come in contact with.  Accepting them for who they are...which is exactly the same as we are...an individual that God loved so much, years ago, that He died to show the great love He has, and the potential He sees in each of us.  He doesn't see us based only on our sins/what we do wrong.  He sees our heart, our potential, the incredibly insane unfathomable love that He has for each one of us...every single one of us.
When we look at things that way, how can we stay hurt or upset with one another.  He has already forgiven us of each thing we do that brings pain and distance between us and Him.  How can we not forgive and move on with those around us.
So, my feelings were hurt, and I was embarrassed (and disappointed that I didn't stand up for myself or my relationship with God last night)...its water under the bridge.  It wasn't done out of spite...and was not done to hurt me.  It was merely a byproduct of a hurting world that sees things and does things very differently.  If Jesus could forgive the very people who nailed Him to the cross, how can we withhold forgiveness?
Back to what He told me last night...He gave me clear directions on what He would like to see me do next:  Come to Him to be built back up.  Read the Bible (I spent time in Psalm this morning...never ceases to be helpful!!!)  Watch for what He is and will be doing around me.  Walk WITH Him.  Live sold out for Him.
Sounds like a big challenge.  And like He has big things in store!  Kind of exciting...