In my little world, it was a super hard day because the youngest has an ear infection, and as a result was angry and screaming and lashing out all day.
In my bigger world, the one I live in but haven't even seen, it was a crazy hard day because of unfathomable violence, the kind that makes you want to tuck your kids in close and hide in the "safety" of your own home. The kind of violence that makes you want to tell your loved ones that you love them and love having them around.
There are so many things about this life that are hard and beyond my understanding. So many things that make me wonder why I keep trying. But then, I remember that through it all, God is still stronger...He was not surprised at today's happenings, not the ones in my house or the ones in Boston. He was there! We can see Him through the actions of those who jumped in to help, those who stopped to pray, and in each heart that was heavy/burdened for Boston. And He continues to be there as we lift each other up, seek Him for understanding and wisdom and strength, and as we keep moving forward one day at a time.
In the car this afternoon, my daughter (who suffered with incredible ear pain today and hearing issues that scared her enough that she was acting out) saw the rain drops on the windshield and commented that God was crying and His heart was breaking over the choices made today that hurt so many. And then she said that she was surprised that it wasn't pouring...because that's how sad God was in her eyes. She blew me away with her thought, and I said something to the effect that His pain is also visible in each one of us with a heavy heart and prayers for all those affected by this.
God gave us each free will. And our choices affect so many more than we often know. We have the choice to give up in the face of such tragedy, or cling to Him as our never-ending source of hope to be strong enough to keep going.
And I pray: God, I don't understand why a God who loves as much as You do can "sit back" and allow stuff like this to happen. But even in the middle of all the I-don't-understands, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that You are there and You care for me, and for each person on the face of the planet. You know each heart and what they will do with their life. You rejoice each time we turn to You. I have read somewhere in the Bible that You know every tear I have cried and hold them in the palm of Your hand. Boy, You are holding a lot of tears today. You know pain...You watched Your Son die in an agonizing way, just like many people saw their loved ones suffering in agony today. I am sure that once again, Your heart was breaking for the pain Your children were going through. As JJ Heller's song says, "I don't know...I don't know what You're doing...but I know who You are".
It's easier for me to say "I am not strong enough for this journey, You have too much confidence in me", then it is to say, "Here I am, use me, no matter what You have to bring me through on the way to where we are going". But deep down, Daddy God, I do want to follow You wherever You may take me. And I want to help others to know how much You love them...to get a glimpse of that through me. To be a tool that You can use to point others to You and to encourage them along the way.
There are so many of us with heavy hearts and burdens today Lord. Who feel close to our breaking points. Who wonder why we should keep trying when the world can seem so dark and cold. Please wrap Your arms around each person tonight who is facing challenges, heart ache, pain, struggles. Help them to literally feel Your presence with them and to know that You are God. That You are bigger than this. That You love, more than we can comprehend. Remind us of the good that is still there! Fill us with Your hope, peace, and love. And help us to reach out to each other. In Your powerful name I pray, AMEN!
