Why are we always so scared of change?

I don't know what it takes to stop fearing change.
But I want to stop.
I don't want to fear the changes that come with life and growing and getting older.
I want to embrace them.
Let them be used by God to encourage others.
be open to it and accepting.
One day at a time.
Starting today!
I want to live a life that has the attitude of "bring it on"
You know why?
Because He has never failed me.
He has never brought me to change, without first enabling me to handle it, accept it, grow from it, and thrive because of it.
So, why would I choose to let fear have any hold on me.
No matter what...HE WILL SEE ME THROUGH.
So.  Bring it!

Making the old into something new/improved.

This is my grandpa's old coffee table.  It has a lot of sentimental value to me, regardless of the fact his sons made it and it's merely covered with peeling/bubbling contact paper.  It was the one thing I asked for of my grandparent's, because I can remember sitting around it as a kid, with my other siblings, and sneaking candied orange slices from the candy jar that always sat on top of it.  I saw the idea for covering something with pennies on pinterest.com and seeing as how my grandpa was known to be a "penny-pincher" it seems double appropriate.  And the new look is turning out amazing!  I love it.
At the same time as I am collecting pennies and gradually gluing them onto the table, I am going through the Experiencing God study by Henry Blackaby with my small group at church (this is my second time doing it, but I am in such a different place in my walk that it seems really different).  I love the fact that God is working all around me and in me, and that He daily makes my old existence into a new and improved one in Him.
Life is not easy right now (but really when is it ever easy...there is so much good even among the most trying times, that I am not complaining).  We are going through another round of transition, and I so quickly forget how much time is involved in getting used to new routines.  We don't know where we are going to be living, or even how we are going to be able to get into a  new place.  But at the same time, we have gotten to do a lot of new and fun things. The Butchers are getting ready for their 2013 season and we are on some committees this year.  I started working part time in the office with one of my best friends as my Boss Lady.  Toad has started going to Wed night youth activities and we are getting our applications ready to go on the summer middle school youth mission trip.  And Banana and I have both been fighting off bugs/illnesses.  I also got put on an inhaler for the new asthma issues that developed after the concussion/upper resp infection at the end of my college experience.  I also have been going through the process to become involved with our church's college ministry, and started helping out at Micah Ministries on Monday nights. And there just hasn't been as much time to spend with the best friends. Anyways, all that to say there has been a lot of change lately and more to come.
So growth in the middle of all this, to grow into the character needed for each stage of the journey, is key.  And the Experiencing God study is full of great stuff.  I'll leave you with a few quotes that have really jumped out at me, maybe they will for you, too...in whatever stage of life you find yourself in right now.

God created you for a love relationship with Him.  He yearns for you to love Him and respond to His immeasurable love for you.  God's nature is perfect, holy, total love.  He will never relate to you in any other ay although you may not always understand His actions.  There will be times when you do not comprehend why He allows certain things to occur, and that is to be expected.  He is the infinite God while we are limited human creatures.  He sees the eternal ramifications of everything that happens.  We don't.  (p.20)

When God gives you a directive, you can be sure He has already considered every factor.  You will never do God's bidding only to discover that God was somehow mistaken.  You can have absolute confidence that when God tells you to do something, it is the right course of action.  (p.25)

When we announce what we think we can't do in response to God's initiative, we are actually saying more about our faith in God than we are about our own abilities.  The fact is, either we believe God is all-powerful or we don't.  When you declare it's impossible for you to do what God told you to do, you show your doubts about how powerful God really is.  It is one thing to believe in God's power, it is quite another to live your life in obedient response to an all-powerful God.  (p. 28)

And a few quotes from the workbook:

When God is about to do something through you, He has to get you from where you are to where He is, so He tells you what He is doing...When you know what God is doing, then you know what you need to do; you need to join Him.  The moment you know God is doing something where you are, your life and its activity will be thrown in contrast to God and His activity.  You cannot stay the way you are and go with God.  (p.21)

When God tells you a direction, you accept it, and you understand it clearly, then give God all the time He wants to make you the kind of person He can trust with that assignment. (p48)

I realize that is a lot to think about.  I still find myself pondering these thoughts days later.  And wonder if I have the kind of faith that Noah had, to follow God's directions for years upon years, not knowing when the fulfillment will come, but daily living out the belief that its coming, despite being ridiculed on every side.  That is an incredible amount of faith!  And what is being asked of me is so tiny in comparison to building an ark for 100+ years having never seen rain.
What is God asking of you right now?  And how are you stretching your faith muscles to follow as He asks?

Take Him at His word

Okay, so I am still trying to work on seeing things differently.  One of the big things right now for me, is taking God at His word...literally.  Acting/knowing/believing that what He has said, HE IS GOING TO DO.
Why is this a struggle right now?
I feel like God told me to buy a house.  The landlord needs to sell this house to get out from under it, and God told me to go look at houses.  Now, if you know me at all, you know that I don't like to dream unrealistically because I hate it when it doesn't happen.  And I am a mostly-stay-at-home-mom.  The idea of finding and falling in love with a house, when finances are not in place, and I can't actually make a bid on it yet, is soooooo hard for me.  In December, I was a basket-case because it all just felt like too big of a leap of faith for me.  Thankfully my realtor is a Christian and has been very patient with me, my doubts, and my desire to just hide from this at times.
Yesterday, we went to look at just one more house.  Even though the financial aspect is still very much a work in progress.  On the fourth, this house came down in price so that its in my almost-comfortable range.  I had a really good feeling about this one...the pictures for it showed character and my favorite floor plan, plus fenced in outdoor space and excellent schools.  The morning went nothing like expected...woke up the oldest daughter to find out the youngest was burning up with fever.  Ran her to the minute clinic, and had to ask my realtor to bump our meeting time back a bit.  Diagnosis:  Influenza A, and need to watch her closely.  Ran her home.  Ran out to meet my precious realtor.  Was in love before I even got all the way through the door.  Other than a dishwasher (which has already been brainstormed about...did I mention my realtor also easily sees potential and is great at listening to me ramble about ideas?), everything on my list of wants is present in this house.  Including well-maintained, but lots of room for my touch...but doesn't have to be done right away either.  Perfect space for indoor and outdoor entertaining...aka small group functions at my house, still.  Room in the back for the trampoline and the bonfire pit.  Walk to the elementary school and a park.  I could even walk to my favorite library if I wanted to, from there.  So, yeah...this girl would love to make an offer.  Out of all the houses we have already looked at, I haven't taken my girls to see any of them.  This one, I can't wait to show them.
OKAY.  All that to say, this is stretching me.  Not just that Banana is sick, again, but that there are a lot of hurdles to continue to jump through to be able to put in an offer.  And I spent all morning on the phone trying to get someone else's actions off of my credit, without accomplishing much of anything.  And tried to speak to my mortgage guy, only to get his voicemail.  BUT, I firmly believe that God told me to look, that He told me this was going to be happening, that HE IS going to do this with and for us.  I don't have the slightest idea how this is going to work.  But I want to live like I believe it.  Even when I have to ask Him to help me believe. (and thankfully He doesn't mind me asking!).  This kind of stretching is not the most comfortable.  And sometimes I feel like Noah building an ark when he's never seen rain and everyone around him is telling him he is insane.
Some funs, along this journey.  The fact that his kids could potentially be homeless was enough motivation to finally get the ex diligently working on the student loan problem (which lost me so many points I am 4 pts too low to be approved).  Today, he finally got the right person, to finally get the hardship forbearance and be considered caught up until April.  Another fun, I was offered a part-time job through the company I take house photos for, that gives me a boost of income, weekly.  Which will look much better for the pre-approval.  I have gotten to dream with my best friend over all of this, and with my realtor, and both are looking forward to seeing how God works out all the little details, helping me to talk, act, and believe like God IS going to be doing this.  My adopted mom has also truly helped me in this...especially with mindset and allowing myself to dream and hope.  And my faith is growing...in leaps and bounds.
Tomorrow I hit the official 3 year mark from the divorce.  And in these last three years, God has done such an amazing work in me and how I look at things.  How I talk to and with Him.  What I believe.  And how much more I can be hopeful.  It's been a super hard journey, and I know there are still more hard things to come, because its just part of life.  But it has been absolutely amazing to be more observant to what He is doing, and to better know what He is willing to do and able to do.  I wouldn't trade any of this for anything.

Daddy God, I am so thankful for all that You have done, are doing, and will do in the future.  Please make my life shine so bright for You, as a testament to who You are and what You are capable of.  May my life be always useable for You.  And may every part of my journey be an encouragement to others and speak volumes for You.  Without You, I am nothing.  With You, all things are possible.  Thank You for never giving up on me, for seeing my potential, and for growing me more and more with each passing day.  I love you more than I knew was possible!  Amen

Betting everything on hope

I have been reading through the book Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God by Francis Chan.
It has been challenging me to grow in Christ and look at things in a different way.  God had already been working in me to stop putting Him in human constraints (because he doesn't fit in the boxes we tend to put Him in), and to start seeing that the love and value He places on me are so much more than I can understand.  Reading this book has really been challenging me on the way I live, and talk, and how much my life should just be 110% for Him.  That He wants me to thrive and constantly grow in Him.  To not get stale or stuck.  I want to share some of the quotes that have really made me stop and think...

Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to.  they don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens--they have their savings account.  They don't need God to help them--they have their retirement plan in place.  They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live--they have life figured and mapped out.  They don't depend on God on a daily basis--their refrigerators are full and, for the most part, they are in good health.  The truth is, their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God. (p.78)

Now, I can only speak for myself, but I do not want to live lukewarm.  I am not someone content to just get by.  I like to stretch, grow, and have even begun to love trying new things.  I have had the privilege, especially in the last three years, to be totally dependent on God for pretty much everything.  The ends just don't meet without Him stepping in and intervening. I know there are big changes coming in my life, that will challenge this part, but I hope to never forget how He is my provider, my Daddy, my best friend... and I want to be living a life that shines completely for Him.

Following Christ isn't something that can be done halfheartedly or on the side.  It is not a label we can display when it is useful.  It must be central to everything we do and are. (p.94)

Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever He wants?  Do you believe that wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life?  Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made? (p.97)

True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on the hope of eternity. (p. 97)

When you are running toward Christ, you are freed up to serve, love, and give thanks without guilt, worry, or fear. (p.104)

 I want to be running so hard toward Him, that nothing else matters.  That I think outside my own comfort zone and am effectively living my life for my Daddy God.  For my life to be having a positive impact on the lives of all those around me.  To be spreading kindness, with eyes open and seeing things the way that He sees them. I don't want to be living life with a personal agenda... but to be living out the potential He placed in me before I was even born, doing all things for Him alone.

Trying to see things differently

Photo taken by Nikie Musselman

So, for some reason last night was almost a wake up call for me.  Not that anything really happened, or maybe it was more of what didn't happen.  I have no clue.  All I know is that by the time I was doing by God-time, I was feeling as if I really need to change things. 
My best friend and I were talking some about this during our girls night out... about how we need to work on seeing ourselves the way that God sees us.  That's why I included the above picture today.  Most people would look at that pic and say, wow, she's beautiful.  I look at that picture and my first thought is, that doesn't look like me; that woman is beautiful, but that's not me.  The kicker...that is me.  I just don't see myself the way that others do...but more importantly, I need to start seeing myself the way that God does.  When He looks at me...He smiles, He says that is My girl and I did good!  I am His creation, and He doesn't make any junk.  He sees me as His precious treasure, worthy of giving His life for.  Everyday, I need to work on seeing myself as special, as treasured, as desirable, as beautiful.  Because that is exactly what I am to Him.

Other things that need to change...I have worked so hard over the last three years to try to overcome the belief that everyone eventually will walk away, that I must be annoying because eventually people do walk away, that I don't have anything good to offer, whatever.  I am no where near where I want to be, and there is still an underlying feeling that I am not good enough for people to want to be in my life... I need to change that way of thinking.  I have a lot to offer, and a lot of things that I would love to do in my lifetime.  I don't need to live in fear that no one will want to share in that with me.  I know better.

I also need to work on being a better friend.  To speak up when I need to, and keep letting things go (slide off my back) when its not a big deal.  Sometimes there is a need to express hurt and pain, in order to move past it all... and I know this goes back to the whole afraid people will walk away part.  But if they are my best friends, and I don't let them into the hurt part too, so that we can work through it, then I am not being true to either of us, and I am assuming that if we walk through some painful things they will want to just leave.  How is that fair to a friendship?  It's human...but its not how I want to live.  And I don't think God wants me to live in fear...so I need to work on that, too.

But most of all, I need to continue to work on putting it all in GOd's hands immediately.  Not trying to carry it on my own.  Not trying to figure out how it might all work out.  Just laying it at the feet of the cross and embracing the opportunities of today.
If you have been on this blog journey with me very long, you know that I can be pretty hard on myself, and have huge expectations for myself sometimes, that I want to be pushing myself to grow and move forward.  I am so thankful for a God who never gives up on me, who wants a daily communicating relationship with me, and who helps me to grow into the potential that He has placed inside of me.  As well as the support system He has provided for me!

Have you ever...

...felt insignificantly small?
...felt as if you had the weight of the world on your shoulders?
...had so much to do that you didn't even know how to get started?
...had big plans, but seemed to struggle to make yourself follow through?
I think that's where I am right now.  There are so many things that I need to be working on.  I have a hutch that is halfway through with its facelift.  I need to be making a bag for a friend that is about to have her fourth child.  I am working through the book Crazy Love and want to spend more time in it.  I have a house to pack, and a new house to find, as well as paperwork to do in order to try and get approved for a mortgage (again).  I have a meeting next week in order to get started with the college group at church, which I am more excited about then I could put into words or express in a blog!!!  I need to be getting experience so that when its time to try to get a job, I am hire-able.  and that idea makes me all teary eyed, because I have had the privilege of being a stay at home mom for 12 years now...and its been the best job I could have ever had (although it doesn't pay all that well :) ). 
I could keep going with this list for a really long time, but all of us have a list.  We all have things we love to do, things we need to do, things we have to do, people counting on us, etc, etc, etc.  What do you do to work down your list?  to get yourself motivated to start?  Do you have an actual list written out or just know what needs done in your head?  Does having a list excite you or is it something you dread seeing?
At the beginning of the year, it seems like people take a harder look at their life, long for significance, and wonder if they are on the right track or need to make changes.
I am not a resolution person, but I do spend a bit of time, almost daily, looking at how things are going, what I am doing with my life, and talking with God about what He wants me to do differently.  Repeatedly He reminds me to trust Him.  That He has all the details worked out already.  That I can depend on Him, He will never leave, and He will always make it possible for me to do anything and everything He asks of me.
Sometimes I wonder why He has such great faith in me.  Sometimes I feel like I am going to fail.  But, He has never let me down.  He always picks me up, brushes me off, and helps me to start again.
There are some big changes for this year.  He is helping me not to fear change, but rather to embrace and appreciate it, even be excited about it.  And He is so patient with me, when I am trying to figure out what needs done first, and how to take steps in the right direction.  I am so thankful for the patience He has with me, and that He never throws His hands up in the air and gives up on me. 
Knowing the value and belief and potential He sees in me makes a world of difference!!!

Excited hopefulness for the new year

In between stages.  times of limbo.  waiting.
All of these things are not something I am particularly good at, but things that I seem to have experienced a lot lately.  2012 was full of wait.  And right now I find myself wondering what it will be like when wait is over.
There will be some fairly big changes for my 2013.
First of all, we have to find somewhere to live.  Our current rental is going on the market, because the landlord cannot afford to keep the house.  I feel like God told us to buy...and I have no clue how that can/will work.  But watching to see what He does.  Right now, I seem to be just short of approvable.
Second, I have a meeting next week, and then two training sessions, to see about getting involved with our church's college ministry.  And I am super excited about this one...to the point that its been hard to wait for the stuff to get going that I have to do in order to be able to start working with this amazing age group.  One of the freshmen gals was baptized on Sunday, and while I was watching, all I could think was that maybe I could have a positive impact in her life this year.  It got my blood pumping.  I WANT so bad to have a positive impact in the lives of others...I feel like I need it.
Third, this probably will be the last semester and summer break that I will get the privilege of staying home with my girls.  I have the degree now, and hopefully will put it to good use.  Also during the time they are at school this semester, I am hoping to be volunteering and getting some experience, to counteract the fact that I do not have an internship under my belt. 
In addition to those things, the Cowtown Butchers will soon resume practice, and I am hoping to be able to get some of the pictures I didn't get taken last season to actually happen this one.  Like individual pics and small bio's.  And a really good posed team pic for their website. I am so excited about what 2013 holds for my team!
As I get closer to my two best friends, there are also a few hopefuls that I have that direction, too.
And Lord willing, it might be a year of mission trips for us.  Toad has one in early summer that I am hoping to get to be a part of in Dallas, TX, and then one of my best friends is hoping to take a group to Mexico around Labor Day.
All in all, my 2013 looks like it will be a lot of fun, and have more new opportunities to keep stretching out of my comfort zone, like 2012.  I am excited to see what all happens and to watch God at work in and through it all.  I am realistic enough to know that there will be hard times during the year too, but am hoping to focus so much on the blessings scattered throughout that the hard will be drowned out by the blessings!
What are you most looking forward to about the new year?