Full of expectations

If you know me (and boy do I not take it for granted that you do...because there is so much that is still raw and painful from assumptions based on people who should know me, but don't)... then you know that I do not often allow myself to have expectations.  So the fact that the title of today's post is full of expectations is proof of how much growing and healing God has been doing in me.
You see, its so much easier to just not expect anything of anybody...because then you don't make assumptions that prove to be false or unfounded, and its not as easy to be let down if someone doesn't act the way you expected.
But with hope, there is somewhat expectations.
I guess (if you can muddle through the concussion-caused struggle to come up with what I am trying to say) I am trying to say that I have expectant hope right now.  There are some big things coming up that the girls and I have been putting a lot of time and effort into accomplishing.
I started college fresh out of high school...fall of '95.  I fully expected to spend four years in college, graduate, and teach.  That was the dream/plan since beginning to babysit in seventh grade for my favorite reading teacher's daughter...if not before.
But life has always been a bit funny...things don't quite take the quick route that I believe it will.  The process always tends to be longer and harder then imagined.  I transferred colleges three times, and stuck with it for five years.  Settled for an associate's degree after getting married.  Threw myself into the joys of being a mom and wife.  Even in that, I couldn't quite "get it right".  That part lasted just shy of ten years, with me finding myself celebrating Christmas with my girls on what should have been my tenth wedding anniversary, then kissing them goodnight so they could climb into their dad's car to spend Christmas with him.  Fastforward a bit, and I found myself divorced, moved three hours from what used to be normal, and free to go back to college.
Reading a textbook every five weeks, filled with papers, quizzes, two weekly discussion posts with four weekly replies, final papers every fifth week, and new teacher expectations the next Tuesday when another class started.... all of which made the year and five months fly by.  There was only one week off for Christmas break in the middle of all of that.  The successful completion of each class was celebrated by the girls and I, and it never once ceased to amaze me that I got another A.  The GPA and honors resulting from that 4.0 still amaze me...I keep having to look to remind myself that its not a dream...its reality.
I am in my final week of my second to last class.  17 days away from walking down the aisle, surrounded by hundreds of people I have never met (among which will be seated 5 people that are very special to me), with three high honors signified by things draped around my neck, getting the Bachelor's degree that seemed so elusive before.  I was going after the wrong degree before, and a degree in Psychology is what finally got me finished.
And what is the point of all this.  Finally finishing what was started so many years ago.  Showing my daughters that you can bounce back from anything, and with perseverance and determination can reach whatever goal you set for yourself.  Having something to be proud of myself for.  And hopefully, that God can use in amazing ways.
I don't know what He is going to do with my future or my degree.  But oh the many times that He has reassuringly promised me that He knows exactly what He wants to use it for, and how He wants to use me.  So, finally, this little gal is filled with expectations...that God is going to do something big and wonderful with my life, and that all the work and the wait will have been more than worth it.
Expectant hope!

No guarantees...

There are no guarantees in life.  We aren't promised a new day, a new sunrise, another day with the people we love.  Things can change in the blink of an eye.  Even the most mundane of tasks can change life as you know it.
For instance, I was putting a stroller in the car of the gal that I babysit for on Thursday morning.  The trunk lid decides it doesn't want to stay up anymore and comes crashing down on my head (repeated it later for her, too, so it wasn't just trying to pick on me).  The latch part of of the trunk of this older vehicle slammed into the center top of my skull.  No swelling, no cut, just red mark on my head and amazing headache.  And then shortly after, some crazy brain swelling.  Concussion #4.  All of a sudden, I am having trouble forming thoughts, remembering who I have talked to, and sleepy as all get out.  Spent the next 48 hours sleeping off and on.  Today is the first time I have been able to sit still and not instantly fall asleep, although I am fighting it off right now.
All that to say, we just don't know.  We don't know if this is the last time we might get to spend with our favorite person.  Something can happen to end a life, or erase memories, that you just can't get back.
So this has brought up a lot of conversation and thought.  Since there is no guarantee in life that you will ever have another chance...do you live each day like it might be your last?  Do you try to get all the things on your bucket list done quickly, or savor them over time?  Where do you draw the line between going for what you want, and waiting on God and His perfect timing?
All of us have questions like these.  All of us know of stories where a life was cut short and maybe they didn't get to tell someone how they felt or how much they were appreciated.  There are so many instances in life where we just don't know...do we wait and see what happens down the line, or do we speak up now.  I know that I am not the only one who has been in this position before.  We all can think of things we wished we had said, done, or shared before it was "too late".
But, that being said, there is so much about life that is learned as we walk the journey, go through the process.  Life lessons that would have been learned no other way except by waiting, and going one step at a time.  (and if I sound rambly, and like I am not making any sense, I apologize, its the concussion and brain-squeezing talking here).  There is so much about the last three years where I have known God to say, "slow down, Becky, just wait.  It will be worth it.  You won't miss what I am working on for you."  How do you argue with that?
So, yes...we have no guarantees in life.  Life can change in a split second.  You can be injured going about your daily life and things change in the blink of an eye.  But, even in all of that, God is still GOD.  He hasn't changed.  His promises are still so very true.  He doesn't ask us to wait for nothing; He wants us to learn through the processes; He will always be there with us.  And the wait will always be worth it, when its what He has asked of us.  No guarantees isn't quite true...we are guaranteed that He will always be who He said He is, doing what He is doing, showing us the way to go.  And that is enough.

How to...

Sunday in our small group discussion, we were continuing our series on forgiveness, and how to move forward in life in general.  The thought came up about how everything we need to know, to do it "right" is in the Bible.  So we failed at X in the past...we go to the Bible, read about how to do it the way God intended, and begin a new...fresh...with His wisdom and grace.
Life changes constantly.  It flips you around and makes right side up look like upside down.  But God never changes, and His word never changes.  His expectations are still the same.
Ran across Psalm 63 last night...which is full of action that we can do...to move forward, and keep growing in Him.

O God, you are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; my soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,  in a dry and weary land where there is no water.  Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory, because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips with praise you.  So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.  My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.  When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches, for You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.  My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.  Psalm 63:1-8

Actions I can do while waiting:
Earnestly seek Him
Thirst for Him
Yearn for Him
See Him
Praise Him
Bless Him.
Lift my hands to Him
Be satisfied in Him
Offer praise with joyful lips
Remember Him and all He has done
Meditate on Him
Sing for joy
Cling to Him

What is He doing in the meantime?
Sharing His power with me. 
Making Himself visible
Being the same God yesterday, today, and forever
Loving me...and His lovingkindness is better than life!
Being my HELP
Tucking me in the shadow of His wings.
Upholding me.

He also is guiding me down the path He has for me, crossing paths with others when He says it is time, building me up in Him, helping me to reach my potential, providing opportunities for my growth, disciplining me and keeping me in line.  He never leaves me...never forsakes me...always encourages me.  Gives me the strength and wisdom to walk this walk.  He shows me what He wants me to be doing as I wait.

Restless...

It's Friday.  And one of the very few Friday nights where I will have no kiddos and could just go out and be with adults.  But, the person I want to spend the evening with and I are still off.  I so much wanted to send a text today that said...bonfire...my house...just you and me?  But I didn't have the guts to send it, because its been an emotional week and I just don't have what it takes for it to be ignored or rejected.  So, I sit here...all restless wishing that things were different.  Almost wishing for a fast forward button to get to the other side of this.  And then remembering that God keeps telling me that the process is important here.  If I fast forward, I lose everything I am supposed to learn in the process.
On a day where the baby only slept for 15 minutes, three times today, and when I was attempting to write a paper, and a half day for the girls, on top of all the emotions and fallout...I can actually understand why someone might want a drink and friends to just get away from it all and relax.  (and for those of you who know me...that is pretty big...because I don't drink...) 
"Off" is not a comfortable place to abide in.  It can create restlessness.  It can create ulcers, too, but we won't go there.  I am in the middle of a big journey.  I don't know what the path looks like or how long it will take, but I know the author of the steps that are meant for me to take.  And even in the times of restless, I need to trust...and allow Him to do His thing.
Maybe I will just use tonight and tomorrow during the day to edit today's paper and read a good book.  Can't go anywhere because the car is being loaned out for a good cause.  So, I will just try to find peace again, and trust that God knows what He is doing, why He is doing it, and how He is going to use every part of this for my good.

A different kind of quiet...

Okay...so still attempting to get used to the new normal.  And struggling a bit today with it.  I am sure that the grey overcast sky, among other things, is not really helping it out much.  But the thing that has been the hardest to get used to is the sudden silence.  Not silence as in noise, so much as the new level/lack of communication between me and the people I am/was closest to.  Because of my past, I probably will always struggle with the silent treatment.  But, I used to spend much of the day texting with my two best friends, as well as other friends.  It was always a welcome break to homework and welcome change to the sameness of my days.  But texting is almost non-existent right now...and I am not sure why.  I mean there are reasons that I do know, and I am trying to be understanding.  But for all texting to drop off?  I miss it.  The silly little things that we all used to randomly text during the day to make each other smile or laugh, or to start up a conversation.  The little random ways that we expressed appreciation to each other.  Even just venting a bit.  All of that was huge to me as an adult home all day doing homework, or being surrounded by children more than adults.  For it to go missing at the same time that I am trying to wrap my head and heart around all of this other stuff is really hard for me.  Especially when I had no say in any of this, and would have never dreamed it would ever happen, let alone be able to fathom all the fall out from it.
On top of all that, I am back to second-guessing myself, which prevents me from sending the first text every day, or reaching out for help, or even feeling as if I have a right to expect others to still be my friend.  Just being honest here...its been pretty difficult over the last few weeks knowing what to expect of others, and trying to figure out what is expected of me.  I literally have no clue.  So, I have been clinging to God and His promises for me, and holding tight to the idea that He will see me through this time too and has a great plan for my life.  I don't have what it takes right now to communicate what I "need" with those around me, because I already feel like they have had to deal with so much lately just because they are friends with me.  The girls and I have had so many people just up and disappear that it is hard for us to wrap our heads around the idea that not everyone leaves when times get hard...
All that to say this.  I am not enjoying this new kind of quiet.  I am not enjoying second-guessing myself at every turn and feeling as if I have moved backwards instead of forwards.  But then, again, God pops up the story of Joseph into my head.  He was made fun of and taunted, sold into slavery, accused of doing things to Potiphar's wife that he not only didn't do but removed himself from the situation, thrown into jail, and then became second in command to the highest authority in the land, right at the right moment, in order to be able to turn around and provide for the very family that started the snowball rolling in the first place.  He could have refused to help, or been bitter and unforgiving.  But no.  He made the comment that what man meant for harm, God used for good. 
I don't have a clue where all of this is leading to.  I just know that in the moment, right now, I have tears yet again, because none of this is easy or comfortable.  Everything has changed.  I don't know up from down or what roles in my life people are willing to play or will play.  I don't even know how all of this will get resolved.  And I am missing the easy friendships that I used to have with two key players in my life story.  But God can see the whole picture...He knows the process I need to go through in order to get to the place He wants me to be...and He knows exactly how much I need Him in order to make it through this.  Everyone else may walk away, but He never will.  He never changes.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow...making the way for me to keep following and walking with Him.  Every single step that I will take in faith.  He holds onto my hand, delights in me, and wants to walk all of this out with me.
So rather than sitting around whining about what doesn't exist right now in life...I need to be thankful for what I have, for the fact that I am still the daughter of the King (who greatly loves me and delights in me), to buckle down and work on homework, and to raise these two beautiful daughters of mine.  The rest of it will all figure itself out down the road, as God directs.

Remembering...

Not only can I very easily remember exactly what I was doing 11 years ago today, bawling while watching the television reports of 9-11, trying to keep my one year old calm... I can also remember very clearly 10 years ago today.  I had just been released from a three month period of extreme bedrest, and was praying that the little girl that had already been stopped multiple times from coming early would not choose this day as her birthday.   (I also was hoping she wouldn't choose Friday the 13th to arrive either.  (Much to my surprise, and by no say on either one of our parts, she was born smack dab in the middle, following a high risk doctor's appointment that they didn't let me go home from.)
 As a nation we were very much still grieving the events of 9-11, and spending the day in remembrance, prayer, talks, etc.  Each of us was dealing with things in their own way.
That is still true all these years later.  We promise not to forget the sacrifices that were made, we express our gratitude for the freedom we so enjoy, and we snuggle our loved ones close.
We can't wrap our heads, still, around the tragedy and reason for the loss of so many.  But we can still trust that God is at work.  And watch to see what He does.
As we remember...my heart is filled with gratitude, appreciation, and remembrance.

Destination Unknown

Have you ever come across a trail you have never walked before?  Part of you is excited because of what you might get to see or run across on the journey, and part hesitant not knowing what lies ahead.
So much of life is like that.  We go through circumstances we never face before, or never dreamed we would need to face, and there is excitement mixed with I-don't-know. 
Right now...I have said I don't know or I just don't know so many times that I feel like a broken record.  But underneath it all, there is a sense of peace and an expectant hope waiting to see what God does with this mess and how He will use it in my life.  I don't believe in coincidences or wasted experience...everything holds the possibility to learn from, move forward, and be stronger because of it.  If nothing else, it can be useful to draw me ever closer into His arms.
That's right where I am at right now.  I am not emotional, although I am exhausted.  I am just calmly walking, looking around at all the new things along the way, eyes wide open.
I have no earthly idea what is around that curve in the trail, but I am fully aware that there isn't a part of that trail that God can't see, that He hasn't already given me the ability to face.  And because my eyes are wide open, I am more alert to what He is doing, and excited to see each new step.  I am not missing the little details that maybe I would be if I weren't watching.
There is NO way to truly know what is on the path ahead.  But there is a way to confidently walk it, knowing that God already knows each step needed, how many steps it will take to go through it, who I will need along the way to help me face it, how many potholes might jump out and trip me up, and the amount of strength I will need for the journey.  He already has made the way for me!

Time for a fresh start

Today in class we talked about forgiveness (again...we are in the middle of a study) and it was mentioned that there are three things that forgiveness should be...immediate, unilateral, and total...Meaning, you forgive right then and there to keep the lines of communication open between you and God, not some random day when you start to feel like it.  You forgive everyone, no exceptions, no matter what the offense or who the person is...and you don't keep it going.  And total...you don't hold on to a piece of it and forgive everything but this one part...you forgive all of it and it is not a continued issue between you and that other person, or you and anyone else either.
So in our small group time, we were asked which of those three was the hardest for us.  Honestly, I have gotten to practice forgiveness a lot lately...and it was one of those things where I just made the decision right then and there to put these things in God's hands and not hold onto any of them.  Not because I am good at forgiveness, but because it has all been so big that I haven't had a clue what to do with any of it other than to hand it to Him.  All of it, as it surfaced, and then again when other pieces came up...nothing held onto.  And I also have gone out of my way not to talk about it or pick it back up again.  Because I JUST CAN'T!
My parents firmly laid a foundation of forgiveness with us as kiddos...and I have had some hard tests on this one.  But I don't hold a grudge against anyone...I refuse because it eats me up. 
Here's where it all comes down for me.  CLEAN SLATE.  Today is a new day.  Now there are some people that I know its just not healthy for me to be around.  But there are others...friends and acquaintances and family members...that I want to live life with.  I don't hold anything against anyone.  Today is a new day.  Yesterday's drama is over and done with.  I am not going to keep rehashing any of it...that's the stand I have taken the whole time.  Yes, the hurt is still trying to wear off, and new information pops up that has to be grieved and handed to God, but I am not holding any of this over anyone's heads.  It happened...people reacted the way they wanted to.  I am not accountable for anyone's reactions/decisions but mine.  And my decision is to move FORWARD.  Forgiveness has already been given and every single detail is in God's hands, where it has been this whole time.  It's time to start over, begin again, new day, a bit wiser perhaps.
So, this is what I say...
Hi.  My name is Becky.  You look like someone I would really like to be friends with.  Let's hang out sometime.

Blessed Rest

Yesterday I found out that I am fighting off an upper respiratory infection on top of everything else.  Not surprising seeing as how I have been fighting off cold/allergy symptoms for five weeks now, and hadn't slept well since last Thursday night.  I also have already lost some weight.  They put me on an antibiotic I have never been on before and warned me to stay out of sunlight and drink lots extra.  This morning trying to get the girls ready for school and watch the little guy I babysit, I was so nauseous I wasn't sure I was going to be able to walk to school.
With everything else that has been going on, and how extremely quiet my week got, it took me a bit to figure out what my options were.  I knew that I wouldn't feel like I could rest because I was afraid I would miss something the baby needed.  I needed backup.
So I sent a text.  And it was quickly responded to.  Before lunch time, I was no longer the only adult in the house and I spent most of the rest of the day asleep when the baby was asleep.  Something I would not have been able to do without help...just knowing another person was there gave me the ability to rest.
I have discovered that in life, God does exactly that for me.  He is there, present, with me.  He provides the peace, safety, and rest that I need to be able to just let go and be.  That's never been all that easy for me, but I am definitely learning...and putting it into practice right now.  I tend to be a fixer...a do-er.  So to sit back, and let Him do all the "work" and watching to see what He will do with all of this, is new and different for me.  And not altogether comfortable.  But in the midst of it all is an underlying peace that I cannot explain outside of His presence in this.
I don't have a clue.  Honestly.  There is nothing I can do about current circumstances other than leave them in His hands, and wait.  I could be making a bigger mess out of it all if I were going around trying to fix it, or was talking to everyone in the world about it, or whatever.  But I am choosing to sit, wait, watch.  Trying to stay out of His way and let Him be God and turn this into something good.  Working on trusting, and not second-guessing everything all over again.  Resting in Him and in His promises. 
Guess what I am discovering?  Yes, every thing looks different...life is not the same.  But there are things to be thankful for, there are things that are bringing smiles to my face again, and I have made it three days now without body-wrenching sobs.  Eventually, I will even get back to the point where I can look forward to some of the big things coming up again...even though they won't be anything like what I had pictured they would be.  And in the end...at the very least...I will be stronger and more able to help others... and hopefully God's grace, love, mercy, etc will shine through every step of the way...through me, through those around me, and through the works that He does!

...In the middle...

...In the midst of all this, there have been scattered things that just have to make you smile.  For example, Friday night we desperately needed sidetracked.  So we went walking around Independence Center.  H was actually in a mood where she "allowed" me to go in Deb.  Rarely happens.  Anyways, this $159 dress was on clearance for $20, so I try it on.  Fits perfect, but even better made me feel festive and beautiful.  Both super needed.  Go to pay for it and it rings up for $10.  Makes it that much more fun.  And makes finishing school seem a little more real and excited...or at least it did Friday night.
Fast forward to Monday.  More drama...with super painful fallout...and this had nothing to do with me.  I wasn't in on the decision...I was an hour away.  But I got burned.  And then, all of a sudden, I am no longer looking forward to graduation ceremonies or senior prom...because it just won't be the same.
So, there is this gorgeous dress hanging from my closet door in its plastic wrap.  I put it on and tried to cheer myself by taking pictures and trying to show how pretty the bottom of it was.  The only thing is, every single picture very clearly revealed the broken heart...no matter what facial expression I made.  It was hard to look at the pics let alone try to edit them.  This one showed some of the fun of the bottom of the skirt, and cropped this way took all the dirty house out of the pic.  And I ended up loving the way it looked...the focus is the dress, which was the point.  Anyways, wearing the dress couldn't take the pain out of the equation.
Kind of like having the outside be beautiful and the inside not.  There are so many people walking around this world that have it all put together on the outside, but on the inside they are in pain and feeling as if they were faking everything...miserable.  Sometimes there are glimpses of that for the outside world to see.  What do you do when you get a glimpse?  Do you run the other way so that it won't "rub off on you" or do you come alongside them and try to walk it out with them and be a blessing in their life?
I think one of the hardest things today about all of this...and the continuing fallout...is the fact that I had a very full life with lots of time with close friends.  That is not how it has been this week.  Maybe I am not good at letting others know I need help.  Maybe I understand the need/feeling to almost tuck into oneself.  Maybe I can't stand the thought that they might be avoiding me, and that they might prove to have walked away also.  Maybe I am just not as strong as everyone assumes.  Maybe I don't want to be a burden on anyone or take the chance that I might bring them down.  Maybe I am trying super hard not to be scared.  Maybe its a little bit of all of that.  But three people that I normally talk to on a regular basis...lots of conversation, I haven't talked to at all today.  And tonight, I don't know what to do with that.
Am I truly strong enough to walk this road?  Can I keep looking for the things to be thankful for among all this, to change my mood and keep myself from drowning in all of this?  Can I choose, above all else, to truly trust that God's hand is at work in all this and He knows what He is doing?  And how do I keep doing all of that?
I don't know if anyone actually reads these posts...but I hope that if you do, you would pray for the three of us girls as we try to figure out how to keep going despite the fact that most of what we had just begun to be truly thankful for and truly enjoy in this life of ours seems to have been wiped out in one swoop...literally.  The friendships that we have spent the last year building and growing have taken a blow that it seems would take a miracle to survive.  I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it doesn't even touch what we have been walking.  I have always struggled when others use the silent treatment towards me...and that is definitely a part of this current reality. 
And yet, there is peace in the silence.  [I don't handle silence well, but even among the silence...deep down there is reassurance that we will eventually make it out of this, too].  And stronger.  And more sympathetic to so many more hard things in this life.  Able to really be there for others in their hard times.  Which has always made things seem more bearable to me.  So we just keep moving...
(and if nothing else, there seems to be so much to blog out!)

Putting one foot in front of each other...

Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord--for we walk by faith, not by sight--  2 Cor. 5:6-7

There are times in life that we just have to walk, not having a clue what we are doing or where we are headed.  Trusting that God is carrying us, walking alongside us, and giving us the strength to do all that He asks of us along the way.  Waiting on Him.  Expectantly watching to see what He will be doing.  Hoping in Him alone.  Leaving it all in His hands.  Staying silent.

Yep...that's where I am at.  Nothing makes sense.  Upside down is right side up and vice versa.  Things I never imagined would ever be done, have been done.  I can't see how any of this will ever be settled or okay again.  Some relationships seem strained beyond repair...and I am choosing to remain silent, leaving all of this in God's hands.  I am a fixer, but there is nothing that I can do to "fix" this.  It just has to be walked through.  So, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, just going to walk this out.

We NEVER have to walk these things out on our own.  God is always right there beside us.  He knows what He is doing.  He provides the support we so desperately need, and sends just the right people to walk it with us.  Step back...stay quiet...see what He is going to do!

Beginning to climb...

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.  Put on the whole armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.  Stand firm, therefore, having girded your loins with TRUTH, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the Gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  Ephesians 6:10-17

Sometimes in life, people's accusations are more than we know how to possibly handle.  Rather than sharing my incredible pain, and continue to rehash it, I just ask that you think of the worse nightmare that YOU can think of.  Now, imagine the gamot of emotions and pain that would run through you while you walk it out.  And how the fallout might play out.  And how people take sides even without meaning to, or trying to.  Don't forget to think about how friends and family might react, and how this will effect you, your kids, your ability to handle things, and whether or not you can look forward to anything for the moment.
Okay, well, I know you are just imagining how it MIGHT feel, and it is not truly possible to know your reaction when you aren't actually walking in it...but you can still imagine what this might be like.  Nothing fun about it...and nobody wants to walk it.  Nobody.
Well, that's where I am.  Right in the middle of it.  Feels like a black hole that I can't possibly make it through.  But I know better!  You see, God promises repeatedly in His Bible that there is not a single thing that will ever happen to His children that we won't be able to walk through with His help.  There is not a single thing about this that is easy.  I didn't know pain could feel like this (and if you know my story at all, you know that I have gone through some crazy pain).  I don't have a clue how it will end up.  All I know is that right now, in this specific moment, in the midst of the hurtful things being said, assumptions being made, and people scrambling to protect themselves...it doesn't make sense...it doesn't seem do-able...and it feels as if nothing will ever be the same again.
The above verse keeps popping in my head.  This battle is not mine to fight.  There is an underlying current that has nothing to do with the accusations or the words others have said.  There is not a single thing that I can do to make things better...but anything that I say could very well make things worse.  So, I am putting on my armor...and I am letting God fight this battle for me.  And I am watching Him to see what He is planning to do with all of this...expectant hope  The story of Joseph also pops in my head often...like the scripture that says what man meant for harm, God used for good.  And Romans 8:28 where He promises that He can make all things good.
All the things that we have talked about in past discussion posts are still true...the things that God has taught me to do in order to successfully walk with Him in the midst of the hards.  Find things to be thankful for.  Praise Him in the midst of the storm.  Wait on Him.  Actively do the things I know I am supposed to do... like focus on Him, the girls, and school.  I can even skate until I am ready to drop.  Take care of those I love.  Be there for my friends as I am allowed.  And keep hoping and resting in HIM!
It looks bleak right now...but that does not change who God is or what He is actively doing.  I may not be able to look forward to any of the big things that are coming up for us in the near future, but that doesn't mean that God won't eventually get me to that point.  So...I am just working on TRUSTING and leaving it all in His hands.  (and appreciating the prayers of those who love and care for me!)