Just Human

     So, its been a crazy week of fun, honor, pain, and painful lessons to learn.
     Started out by redeeming MLK day.  A year ago, that was the first day that I started hanging out with a great friend from my past and we started dating, only to have everything vanish four months later, never to hear from him again.  Rather than sitting around the house wondering what I could have done differently, the girls and I had a full day of roller skating and friends.  It was such a privilege to skate round and round and round holding the hand of each of my girls.  And the time with my sister as well.  One of the most fun days I have had in a really long time!  (of course, I also have a lot of bruising to prove how crowded the rink was, but I will get to that later.
     Tuesday morning I woke up in the best mood remembering my daughters' faces as we skated and the fun times/memories with friends and my sister.  Then I got an email that made my week.  I got an email invitation to be a member of the exclusive Golden Key International Honour Society, which is open only to the top 15% of the school.  It was a reminder of how hard I have been working and devoting myself to school, despite being teased about working harder than I need to, and also a reminder of all the work God is doing in me to make it where I can succeed despite everything else happening around me.  It was a big honor to get the invite and I am incredibly grateful for the recognition. 
     Then as I was writing notes for class this week, I began to notice that my right arm was not right.  I had one place that I kept having to move my sweatshirt cuff off of that was super sore, and my upper arm began to throb, and my hand began going numb.  I stopped taking notes, and I took a shower to see if it was just that I was taking notes.  And couldn't lift my arm above my head without wincing.  And couldn't put any weight or push off of the arm at all.  When skating on Monday, I had wiped out due to a little gal cutting straight in front of me, falling herself, and me landing on my right knee and arm, over her, trying not to land on her.  I spent the rest of the afternoon in the ER where they sent spasms up my arms manipulating it for x-rays, I couldn't make my arm do what they needed, so they did it for me.  And then was told that I had bruised two arm bones and needed to wear a sling for 3 days, and come back if it was still hurting in two weeks so they could re-x-ray to see if there was a stress fracture.  As most of you know, I am always doing something, and most of all that I do uses my right arm.  There was no sewing, journaling, typing, highlighting, etc, because the pain was just too intense.  I couldn't even pick up the new dog with my right arm and she had to learn to come over to the left side instead.  It was almost as tough on me emotionally as the pain.
     So, while emotional, I poured out my heart to God.  Because that is the number one lesson He has been working with me on over the last two years.  To come to Him.  This, as well as the first Boundaries class on Wednesday, combined for some crazy powerful lessons He is teaching my heart.  Number one, it is not my job to try to bring healing to others.  He is the great Healer, and I am just a human who messes things up and often gets in the way.  Number two, there are multiple reasons as for why He has asked me not to date until I finish my schooling.  (I have no clue what I need/want; I still have some crazy hangups from the way I was treated before; I struggle to keep emotions out of friendships; and then there is the just straight out obedience factor!)  Number three, He is my everything and without Him I am a mess.  He wants to breathe belief into me and heal me from my brokenness, and it takes time.  His timing is so much different then our own.  But He is more than willing to just keep helping me/us pick up the pieces and try again.
     You see, I am totally just human.  I screw up all the time.  (and He flat out reminds me that I am not a screw up or defined by my failures).  I am His daughter and He delights in me and in helping me.  I may let my imagination fly away from me, or forget to keep from having unrealistic expectations, or I might listen to suggestions from others that I shouldn't listen to.  But that doesn't mean that I don't care about the feelings of others.  It just means that I am not perfect, I will mess up, and I could potentially hurt someone when its the last thing that I would want to do.  I am learning that I am not responsible for the words/actions of others, but I am responsible for mine.  It is so hard for me to not want to help fix/heal the pain I see in those around me, but I am not the Great Healer...I am not God.  I am more than willing to come along side you and walk this path with you, but I should be pointing you to Him, not trying to fix it myself.
     I told you its been a week! 
     And there is still so much work that God wants to keep doing in me...to help me reach my God-given potential.  There is nothing like prayer and conversations with God.  Nothing.

The Big 2 Year Mark, and the 100th Post

Getting personal today, so if you don't want to feel any emotions, you might not want to read this blog entry.
Today is the two year mark since my divorce was official and I became a full-time single mom.  To say that my world was crushed would be sugar coating it a little.  I honestly wasn't sure that I wanted to keep going.  But God surrounded me with the very people I needed to keep moving one foot in front of another.  And He gave me these absolutely gorgeous girls to keep me trying.  They gave me the drive to grow and learn from the experience and to really look at myself and how I got into all this in the first place.
I owe God EVERYTHING!  He picked me up from my darkest place and showed me glimpses of the greatness of His love for me and the value that He has already put in me.  I want to share some of my journal entry from last night (which was a really long one for me, and I talk to God when I am journaling):

Most important, of all the days over the last two years, by far, would be that this drove me to You and to seek You out to try to discover who You are and what You want from me.  I have learned the importance of going to You first with every thing and that You desperately want relationship and communication with me.  That I can't put You in a box or try to pin You down with human characteristics, because You are not human.  That You have no problem providing for me.  That You will never leave me and that unlike the men I have let into my life before now, You will never choose to walk away or disappear.  I have learned that You are more than able to stand up to me, say no, and/or tell me that something is not what's best for me.  You have also told me-- "not yet", "save that for later", and "Becky, I want to bless your socks off with..."  You have truly become my Husband, Provider, and Best Friend.  You give meaning to my life and motivate me to get out of bed.  You are my hope and my inspiration.  My God.  The One who sees my potential and then helps me to reach for it.  Al the growth I have done over the last two years most definitely has Your hand in it.  You made sure I remained teachable and that the lessons were not wasted on me.

Looking back, partly because it helps me to move forward, reminds me of how much I truly have come through.  January 2010 was more than just the day the judge declared the marriage over.  It also was the month that the girls and I sold the home that held most of their growing up memories and moved into a two-bedroom townhouse.  We had so many friends come along side us and help us fix the house up according to the buyers list to-do list.  There were so many of my friends' husbands that the entire move took two hours.  I don't remember a whole lot of that month, because I bawled my way through most of it, but I remember that God had completely put me where I needed to be and surrounded me with people who prayed for me and carried me through that month.  And the day of, Jan 11, my dear friend Betsy had the most awkward seat in court...right in between us.  She was my rock that day...God used her to be His hands and feet.  And then when it was actually over, I remember sitting in LuAnn's living room listening to her and Betsy talk and feeling like I was looking in on the three of us from somewhere else...almost feeling like I wasn't really there and yet I was.

February was a crazy month for me.  I was reading every Christian book on recovering from divorce that I could get my hands on (there are way more choices now then there was even two years ago) and got a challenge from God that gave me a purpose for each day beyond being there for the girls.  Our first craft show ever was the next month and the goal in Feb was to make one bag a day while the girls were in school.  I ended up at the craft show in March with 40 bags, and an obvious showing of more support.  And life kept moving forward.

The rest of the time in that townhouse (which was only a total of 5 months) we had health issues and teeth issues and a scary trip to the ER that resulted in my getting the craziest cocktails of medicines to keep my airway open after an insane allergic-like reaction.  T's best friend's mom, Ms Trescha, was literally a lifesaver during that time.  She helped to keep life "normal", picked me up at two in the morning to rush me to the ER even though she couldn't understand a word I tried to say around my swollen tongue, and she was T's outlet to talk to about all that was going on around her.
We moved to KC to see if my rebound relationship might work, and to surround ourselves with my siblings.  The relationship may not have lasted, but there was definitely some healing found through the idea that I was love-able after all and not completely flawed.  The summer flew by with babysitting and unpacking and relearning where things were in KC.  We missed our JC friends and support team like crazy and floundered around quite a bit, but used Facebook as a way to keep in touch and reconnect with friends I was now free to have again.  School started up and the girls were doing amazing well.  H struggled most, and we went through separation anxiety again and again, and often her temper was beyond my capacity to handle.  I got to hear the first of many times of "I hate you" and we spent hours snuggling as that was the only thing that seemed to help.  And we just kept plugging along.

Fastforward to Jan 2011.  I was so excited to see what God might have for our future.  He filled me to overflowing with Hope and expectancy.  We were completely on our own again, no man to lean on, and I just started pulling ever closer to Him.  We changed churches and started going to Pleasant Valley.  Life seemed isolated and I floundered a bit trying to figure out what my purpose, beyond mommy, was.  There was so much drama going on on the other side, that I just tried to keep life low-key and sane for the girls.  We kept finding out more and more reasons for why God allowed the divorce and God kept having to carry me over the waves of emotions that threatened with each new fact that leaked out.  At one point we even had a scare where the girls' lives were threatened by an angry ex-girlfriend who knew where we lived because of drop-off days.  God, again, reminded us that our safety is in His hands.

In June, I finally listened to God (and the starving feeling inside me that longed to feel like I belonged somewhere) and went to my first singles class.  I love the way that God helped me walk through those doors that first day.  An old college friend, that I hadn't seen in 13+ years, "just happened" to be down the hall from where I was walking back and forth.  He "just happened" to know one of the leaders of the singles group and was willing to walk with me in the doors.  And I am so thankful that he was willing to help me take that step.  Because this group was exactly where I needed to be and they were starting a study that day on God's willingness to talk to us.  It literally changed my life and the way I look at things and brought me closer to God.  It also brought a feeling of fullness to my life by providing a community group for me that I could be real with and do things with...exactly what I was missing.  This is also the month that God made the way for me to go back to school.  Something I honestly did not think that I could do.  After years of being told in various ways that I was worth nothing, the idea of trying to go to school and be there for the girls seemed impossible.  But, with God, NOTHING is impossible and He has proved that over and over in my life.  I am in the middle of my sixth class, have my first ever 4.0 gpa, and am set to graduate Nov 5, 2012.

There are so many people that I need to mention that are a part of my right now, helping to meet the needs of my little family and supporting us.  My brother and his wife have given us so much support that it brings tears to my eyes thinking of all the times they were willing to carry my frustration and pain and help me with the girls, and showing the girls what a real, God-centered marriage looks like.  My parents have gone far out of their own comfort zone to be there for us.  Some of my friends from Northwest days have checked on us and given us encouragement (Jarusha, Heather, and others).  Friends from JC have continued to pray for us, and be there across the miles, much as they were when we lived there (Betsy, Christy, Cindy, LuAnn, Lydia, and many many more).  Moving to KC allowed me to renew my friendships with some wonderful ladies (Melody and Kari especially).  And my new small group has been a life saver in many ways through prayer support and life challenges (thank you Kelly!), friends willing to drop everything to see me through those tough days that pop up (Heather!), guys willing to invest in my daughters lives (John and others), and to accept me just as I am and want to be friends with me anyways (Stacey, Stacey, Angela, and so many others).  I know I am forgetting some, and I apologize, but God has surrounded me with so many people to help in so many ways.

God has even given me glimpses of "it's worth it in the long run" by allowing my pain/experience to help others and come alongside them.  I have been able to walk alongside a gorgeous mommy as she found out stuff that rocked her world and she has touched my life more than I feel like I have touched hers (Ms Erin).  I am so glad that God uses our pain, to help others and be able to honestly say "I know how you feel".
I truly wouldn't be the person I am today if it had not been for October 2009 through Jan 2010 when life as I knew it was shattered.  I was living as a shell of a person back then who no longer believed she had anything to contribute.  I was in an emotionally-abusive situation and hated the example of a woman that I was setting for my daughters.  I have by no means arrived, but I can now say that the examples they are seeing now, from me and those in my small group, and their aunts and uncles, and my parents, are much better for them.  

I am so proud of the ladies my girls are becoming.  We all have our moments where the emotions are more than any of us know how to deal with, but we are a team and we are working on growing and moving forward.  By the grace of God.

So, thank you.  I know I didn't get even half of y'all mentioned, but if you are reading this, you have been part of our journey.  And I thank you for it.  Thank you for allowing God to use you in our lives and help us to get this far and to keep going.  I love you for it!

Have you ever?

First one:  Have you ever seen anything this cute?  This is our newest family member.  We call her Ms. Cheetah, and she is Moe's little wife.  She is two and a half and a snuggle bug.  And, just like I was hoping, she has brought some life into this house, but specifically she has perked Mr. Moe up and has helped him to not mope around the house so much.  We just finished day four with her and are starting to get a routine going.  We'll see how she cooperates for me doing school tomorrow...
Second one:  Have you ever gotten an encouraging word from a friend that just made your day?  I have to share the one I got today, because it was so encouraging and filled me with hope.  It's one thing to look at yourself and think that you have changed, for the better.  It's totally another thing for that change to be visible to others.  And the funnest part was that I had just gotten done writing on her facebook wall thanking her for her presence in my life.  I think the messages might have even been written at almost the same time.
Here's what it said:
"Well, isn't it a true testiment to God that I signed on to facebook to leave you a quick message, only to find that you left me a message! :) You have been in my thoughts a lot lately...not in a "worry" way, but in a "I'm so proud of who you have become and what you have turned your life into" sort of way. I have watched (facebook stalked) you grow, working through pain and challenges and I have been inspired and awe struck at the beauty your life story has become. Our great and mighty God has molded you into a GORGEOUS mother who is strong for her two beautiful girls, an intelligent and diligent student who is making the best of what she can be, an extremely talented and gifted seamstress whose works blow me away every time! I'm SO proud of you! I love you to the moon and back and I miss you terribly, but know that you are always in my thoughts and my heart!! You go girl!!:)"
I hope that I never forget these words and that I never give up on trying to become the woman that God wants me to become.
What can you do today to reach out and encourage someone?

A positive start

I don't want my last blog post's almost negative feel to be the last thing I post.  I want positivity for my 2012!
So, first of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR, and may this year be full of blessings for you and dreams come true!
I am very excited for this new year.  This is the year that I will finally graduate from college with a Bachelor's degree!  I am set to graduate November 5, 2012 and hope to throw a big party in celebration!  I never knew, in fall of '95, that I wouldn't be earning my bachelor's in early childhood education in '99...I just assumed I would.  Instead, I got an associate's in 2000 and my MRS degree...which didn't last like I assumed it would.  (funny thing is, when I transferred to the Christian college, that is what my Northwest BSU group told me I was going to end up getting by transferring down there.)
Anyways, like I said...BIG year this year.
It is also a year that has been set aside for God.  To get to know Him better.  To better learn what He has and wants for me.  To not be as sidetracked as you get when you have a significant other.  I originally had set aside 365 days for Him, which would have been up June 5th (I know, what's up with the fifth day?  not sure on that!)...but He asked me to extend it until I graduate from college.  And I am trying to walk in obedience.  After all, He has done so much for me...and specifically asked...how could I do anything else?  And its a really positive thing.  I am closer to Him then I have ever been and my quiet times are actually conversations between the two of us which is something that is mind-blowing and life-altering!  Can you think of anything more exciting than having your life truly set aside to your Lord and Savior, completely open/available for Him to write your story?  I cannot.  I have never been more excited to see what God has in store!!!
I don't make new year's resolutions.  I am not a person that likes to set myself up for failure.  The idea of God writing what happens in my life, and giving Him complete freedom to do whatever He wants, is a thrill ride.  I know without a doubt that what He tells me will happen in my lifetime and He has given me some glimpses that are amazing.  I couldn't come up with this stuff on my own, I don't think that big and I have gotten afraid to have dreams/hopes for myself.  I have turned it all over to Him and asked that He would make His hopes for me into the ones I have for myself.  He is continually showing me that He sees such a bigger picture than I see, and has so many more resources then I remember to remember.  I am thankful that He doesn't show me the big picture all at once, and chooses instead to give me little pieces at a time, as I can handle and have been prepared for.  He loves me more than anyone else ever could.  THIS is the exciting life!  Being open, available, teachable, moldable!  He truly can do ANYTHING!!!
This year is so full of possibilities!
May my life bring Him glory, and may His blessings never cease to blow you away!
Hope you have the happiest of new years!