As clear as mud

I am a single mom who has no clue what she is doing 99% of the time, and is winging it hoping that I don't screw my children up.  There are so many things that just feel up in the air, out of control, just beyond my reach.  And once again, my biggest thought is "how do people do this that don't have a relationship with Father God?"  Much of life feels as if I am trying to make sense of it while looking at it through mud splotched glasses, or through a crazy hail storm.
Everything seems just a bit bigger when carrying it all by yourself (and yes, I realize I am not truly carrying it by myself, b/c God is carrying it for me)... financial decisions weigh heavy!  I worry that I am going to wear my friends out, but it helps to be able to talk about things out loud...and the girls get a little worried if I walk around the house talking. 
When I don't know what I am doing, and there are more than one "big" decision weighing on my mind at a time, I get more emotional then I care to admit, and my fuse gets shorter than I prefer.  I snap when I should be hugging, and ignore when I should be soaking in a precious story or attempt to get my attention.  Or, on days like today, it takes me more hours then ever before to write one stinking discussion post...in quadruple the time it normally takes me to write up two posts and four replies.  Which only results in me getting even more flustered.  And when I am flustered, I can't get words out right (a side-effect from a mini-stroke over 11 years ago), which gets me more flustered until I just make myself stop trying to talk until I calm down.
Comments from the girls, like "I wish we had our own house (meaning not renting) so we could do...(fill in the blank)" or "why can't we do this...", etc, just add to the pressure I seem to be way to good at putting on my own shoulders.
And the thing is, I literally know better.  I know that I know that I know that I am not walking this alone, and that God is more than willing to carry my burdens for me.  I know that He has promised to look after the widowed and the orphaned (I like to insert "the abandoned" in with that grouping).  I know that He has crazy big plans in store for my life and that He is working like crazy to redeem my story and bring me healing.  He has even told me what my focus is supposed to be while in school: Him, the girls, and school...in that order.  And three things I am supposed to WAIT on until after graduation: trying to buy a house, getting a smaller, better gas mileage vehicle, and Him showing me what man He has for our future.  Those specifics are great, and helpful most of the time. 
But there are a lot of other things, especially lately, that have me wondering if I am doing the right thing or not.  That sometimes feel overwhelming as I try to figure out what is okay, and what could put the girls and I in a risky place.  For example...my computer...which I often spend 7 some hours at in a given day...has been super reliable until the last month or so, and which is important for being able to do school.  Froze up on me once today while taking a break from school work, and editing pictures from T's graduation, and stayed frozen longer then it has before.  I even called my dad, and pretty much as soon as he got on the phone, it decided it was going to work again.  Another example, the renewed interest in photography that has me surpassing the abilities of the current camera (never thought I would say that one!), leaving me wanting a dslr so that I don't get so frustrated when they don't turn out the way I expected them to, and so I can get pictures that I am actually proud of.  But of course, that is another HUGE expenditure...anything electronic seems to be way out of my price range. 
It's in cases like these that it seems glaringly obvious that I am single, and that these decisions fall on my shoulders to make.  Times like these where I find myself wishing someone else would make the decision with me, and maybe even tell me what to do...besides my parents.  (Love my parents, and their advice is normally 100% sound and good, but at 35 it feels a little odd).  But that isn't my life right now.  And I don't want to live life moaning and groaning about what I don't have.  I do wish that I were better at leaving things in God's hands, after putting them there...that I had this one down pat already...it seems like I should be an expert at it by now.  But I don't.  Like I said the other day, I want to live with my hands wide open to whatever He has for me, clinging to nothing.  But I am still learning to put that into practice in my life.
A friend of mine reminded me last night that everything seems more overwhelming to me when I haven't sewn for awhile.  She is right.  God created me to enjoy crafting, and speaks to my heart while I am creating something new.  Between that and my quiet times, He builds me back up each day.  And I haven't sewn since before this last injury...which means more than three weeks...which is an awful long time for me to go.
So...all of that to say this...when life seems overwhelming, pressure seems immense, and you don't know for sure what you are doing, or what path you should be on...that is the perfect time to look up, spend a little extra time with God, and just keep giving it all over to Him.  He knows exactly what He is doing, what the timetable should be, and how to work out all the details.  Time to step back, and let Him take over the pen...writing your story, filling in the details as He knows is best.
(and yes...preaching to myself here, too!)

Trust despite the fog

Sunday's sermon was one of those just-when-you-need-to-hear-it ones. 
We are in a series on life verses, and one of our newer pastors (Greg Frohna) was talking about his personal verse which is Proverbs 3:5-6.
The first thing I wrote in my notes was the following:  Trusting godly wisdom in the midst of personal uncertainty.  Don't think my way, think about what He wants for me and trust that He WILL show me the way to go. 
Why is it so hard to trust God when the fog comes in?  There is a trust gap.  We trust Him to forgive our sins, but fail to trust Him with the daily stuff.  We aren't sure we can truly trust Him...and it causes us to miss out on some of what He has for us individually.
He went on to give three steps:  (1) Overcome fear; (2) embrace uncertainty; and (3) totally surrender.

Now, y'all are beginning to know me by now.  So it should not be a surprise that I want to constantly be learning and growing...I don't want to be waylaid by fear, uncertainty, or a strong desire for my own way.  I want to be living fear-less, accepting of change, go-with-the-flow, eyes wide open to what God is doing all around me, with hands open to whatever He has for me.
At one point in the sermon, he put a ball in his hand, and said how when kiddos get a new ball, they cling tightly to it, carry it everywhere they go, and think of it as mine, mine, mine.  He used the open hands illustration, that I have been praying for months now, but said we need to change it up a little.  Rather than having open hands that are palm up, where we can still hold onto things, we need to have open hands, palms down, where we are open to what He has for us, but not clinging to anything but Him.  I loved that and have been praying in a bit different way over the last two days.

My life is in a stage of wait.  But during this wait-stage, God is doing so much in me.  I am almost to my one year mark...and excited about that accomplishment.  And last night in my quiet time, God was reminding me of how far He has brought me, (through healing and growing processes, starting school, etc, etc, etc) and that there is still more that He wants to use this time to accomplish in and around me.  I am not the timid, scared of her own shadow gal anymore.  I am no longer living in fear.  He has placed some really "safe" people around me to help me get out of that part.  And I am forever grateful for all that He has done and is doing.

So, despite the fact that I am in a stage of wait, and that there is a lot of change happening and coming in the future...a time of great fog...I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am going to be okay.  that I am blessed beyond measure.  That I am no longer afraid or worried.  That every detail is already known by my Heavenly Father who is going to walk every second of it with me.  So, it truly is all good.  How could I possibly complain?

One

It's one of those days...
you know, the kind where pretty much everything feels overwhelming.
The kind of day where it is glaringly obvious that there is only one adult in this house...
that financial decisions fall on my solitary shoulders...
that everyone has an opinion on what should be done, but no one else has to live with the consequences, or the absences...
I am not trying to complain, truly. 
I am so appreciative of the advice of others.
It just is really hard sometimes because honestly, we don't know what it is like to be in the other person's shoe.
We can empathize, and come close...but we just all see things so differently.
We can walk alongside someone, observe their reactions/frustrations/joys to different situations.
But there is no way to know the toll of the day to day build up.
By now, you should know that I am a person who truly aims to see the best in situations, to give others the benefit of the doubt, and to dwell more on the blessings then the hard things.
Unfortunately, I am still very human.
I am aware of my need to rely on God and count on Him for all things.
But...on days like today, I LONG to see His face, to physically wrap my arms around Him and just be held, to verbally hear His voice say "do this, wait on this, do not do this..."
I am aware that on the harder days, where things seem insurmountable or just too much effort, that satan is winning and sidetracking me. 
I am aware that these are the days where it is most important for me to dig into the Word and then cling to it.  Tightly.  With all I've got.
And I know, that I know, that I know that God has it all covered and the things I am concerned about really don't matter in the big picture, and that sometimes I put way too much pressure on myself and just need to let go.
So, I grabbed my beloved older Bible, the one with all the markings in it, and just flipped pages at a time.  And let the Words of our ever-loving Father God pour over me, in me, through me, around me...etc.
And verses jumped off the pages for me...  Psalm 41:10-12, 84:11-12, 85:8, 86:11, 146:9.  Isaiah 40:26, 40:31, 41:10, 58:8,11, Jeremiah 42:3, and Ezekial 34:26
Each verse just spoke to my weary soul.
I love that God does that for me (and pretty much everyone I know that reads the Bible).  That it speaks to me in different ways based on my current need/mood.  That it is alive and active today, just as it was when it was written so many years ago.
Did everything that seemed so overwhelming disappear as soon as I started reading?  no.  But it sure did remind me that He has so much more then this for me.
So much of life is what we choose to see about it.  What we choose to focus on.
Therefore...my choice for today is to go watch my fifth grader in the talent show that she tried out for and succeeded in being added to...to cheer her on and begin to breathe belief into her. To watch her in her element...on the stage.  The rest can just rest in God's hands...He knows what to do with it all, even when i don't have a clue.
Here are two of the verses listed above...
Then shall your light break forth like the morning, and your healing shall spring forth speedily; your righteousness shall go before you [conducting you to peace and prosperity] and the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.  Isaiah 58:8
And the Lord shall guide you continually and satisfy you in drought and in dry places and make strong your bones.  And you shall be like a watered garden and like a spring of water whose waters fail not.  Isaiah, 58:11

Photo Opps!

Over the weekend, I had the opportunity to take three completely different kinds of photos!  And I loved every second of it...so much so that not taking pictures today seems off.  Saturday morning started off with a family photo shoot of a friend I have known since the second grade, and whose path has crossed off and on with mine since then.  The above picture was a "fluke" taken while she and her son were sitting there playing...its one of my favs (hopefully she doesn't mind that I just shared it!).  The middle picture is another from the roller derby bout Saturday night.  I love the team huddle pics, and most photographers don't even photograph that...  And the bottom one was a cute little house that I had the opportunity to take yesterday.  I am still blown away by the fact that photography has become such a way of life for me lately.
And dreaming about maybe one day owning a quality dslr camera that can better keep up with all I ask it to do.  Dreaming is such a new thing for me...maybe, someday.  Until then, I will just keep trying to make the current camera pretend to do all I ask of it.  We will see what other opps God puts in my path!  Love it!

But I studied...

Those three pics were my favorites...from a roller derby bout that I took over 340 pictures.  I think the reason that I am so frustrated right now is that I studied.  I went to different photography webshots and read article after article about settings and auto settings and aperture and shutter speed and lighting.  I even had a family shoot yesterday morning that resulted in some really good pictures.  I went into this bout with probably unrealistic expectations of myself...wanting so bad to give back to these guys who skate with so much heart and determination.  I didn't get a good pic of a single block or fall, and there were many opportunities to do so.  Every opp that I was so excited about resulted in a blurry mess that if you didn't know who was skating, you would have no idea what to look for in the pic.  My camera does great with natural lighting, but does NOT like the lighting in arenas and skating rinks...where I want it to do good.  And then I keep comparing myself to another photographer that has professional, top of the line equipment...even though he says he only keeps about 20% of his own pictures...the ones that he shares are crystal clear and focused...mine, most of the people have no facial features.  Which annoys the snot out of me.
The up/down of emotion...being so happy with the morning's pictures and so frustrated with the evenings photos has my poor little brain reeling.  My mother reminded me that the guys are still getting more photos then they would have without a photographer, and that I had a blast...but the fun seems sucked out by the fact that I feel like I let myself and the guys down.  And I am sure they will be happy with what there is...they don't complain about blurry pictures...after all, they truly are flying around the circle/oval at crazy speeds.
But it leaves me wishing I could afford better equipment and represent these guys better.  And that is not even the remotest possibility, although God has unlimited resources, and sees my frustration.  If He wanted to, He could totally make it happen...in His own way, and at His own time.  He could easily drop a quality DSLR camera with telephoto lens into my lap.  But, I guess the realist side of me just sits there and thinks that that is a blessing beyond reach, and why dream or hope for something that is so far out of reach.  Which kind of breaks my heart in a way. 
I don't want to live a life that just settles for what I can see and touch and feel and hear right now. I want to live a life of expectant hope that is watching for God at work and reveling in the mysteries of who He is and all He wants to do in my life.  Just like not being content to not keep trying.  I will keep practicing.  I will not be a quitter and let this get the best of me.  I will keep reading up on different tricks and advice recommended.  I will keep showing up at practices.  I will even be asking God to help me not to get so frustrated, and instead to channel that frustration for me, helping me to grow through this process.
And boy will I do a happy dance if God surprises me with new photography equipment! 
You see, He knows my heart.  He knows the motivation underneath providing good pictures for the guys and their fans.  He knows that all I want is to give back to them...to show the way that they skate/play so that others can see the fun behind this sport and the time/effort these guys put in to all of this.  He even knows how frustrated I get while editing pictures.  And the disappointment when I didn't get the one shot that a player was hoping I had captured.  He created me.  And He loves me more then I can comprehend.  It would not be beyond the scope of His abilities to provide a camera...but He sees the bigger picture and He knows what I truly need and what is just a wish.  And He is great at providing for my needs and even some of my desires.  He loves us that much!

Some days...

...the best thing you can do for yourself is to count your blessings.  It is so much better for us to think about all the things that we have to be thankful for, rather than having a self-defeating attitude worried about what all could go wrong.
I challenge you to go start a thankful list, and see how much it improves your mood. 
I just added to my 365 list, that I started but never finished back in May of 2011...wrote 125 more things that I am so thankful for. 
And my attitude is completely different then it was when I started.
Your turn!

Trust Test

I don't know about you, but for me, the biggest trust tests involve money.  The things that set me off the quickest also seem to involve money.  The things that make me most nervous revolve around money.
Money is not something that is very abundant around here.  The amount of money that was coming in each month was cut by over $500 back in August of last year... and it is starting to be very obvious.  The amount of bills did not get cut, in fact at times it seems as if they keep growing.  Add in the injuries/doctor visits/illnesses...you get the picture.
All of us have money issues at some point in time, or deal with them on a daily basis.
All of us have to choose to trust God with our money, or lack there of.
Add in that I am really hoping to graduate and be done with my bachelor's degree within 25 weeks, and there was some kind of snaffu at school with loan money, and this gets really tested for me. 
We already are about $200-300 a month short of what bills cost...that shortage has quickly been depleting the tiny savings account.
Today, things look bleak.  They look as if there is no possible way that they can work out.
BUT!!!
My God is bigger than my bank accounts.  His resources are unlimited.  He doesn't get scared when money that was supposed to come in, no longer is going to.  He doesn't stop providing for us just because something went wrong or didn't work the way it was supposed to.  He has us in the palm of His hand, and He provides not only for our every need, but even for some of our desires.  He knows what is best for us, and what we can live without.  He knows exactly how much money, to the penny, that we will need each month, year, over our lifetimes.  He will see us through!
So, rather than sit here and stew about something I cannot change, I am going to knock out my homework, cook dinner for my girls, and rejoice that for this month all the bills are covered.
And pray my little heart out that He will take care of all the details, resting in the fact that He has already promised to do just that!

Is it worth it?

Seems like mom used to say that anything worth doing, was worth doing well...normally said when we thought something was too hard, or too much effort.
Combine that with the ups and downs of life, the fact that all of us humans see things through different filters, and being close friends with someone means that you get to know them warts and all...seeing each others flaws and having to decide if its worth it or not.
Friendships are not easy.  Sometimes they might even feel like they are not worth it.  But every once in awhile, a rare relationship comes along...one that you decide you are truly going to fight for, and fight through, and just make it keep moving forward. 
Along the way, feelings are guaranteed to get hurt.  The best friendships are the ones that talk it over, and get back to even ground again.  Finding compromise and common ground.  Looking at things from all angles and each other's point of view.  Realizing that neither one of you meant to hurt the other.  Allowances are made, past baggage is shared and reactions are better comprehended afterwards. 
Blood pressure might even be raised, and have to be managed and calmed back down.
Steps are made to reassure each other and to remember why the friendship IS so rare and worth the time and effort.
Personally, I have trouble not just assuming it is all my fault.  I think I would rather have the person mad at me, and then talk it through, then mad at another person and not wanting to see where they might have been coming from.  And when I think that I did something to hurt someone else, I am crushed, wish for a redo, want to run away.  But, (I know, I have said this before) God is working in me and with me to not run.  Today, I was exhausted from the whole thing, but flight didn't even pop in my head (see, He IS making progress in me).  I was determined to do whatever it took to get everyone on even ground again.  I was upset...and had a doctor's appointment in the middle of all this...and they almost put me on blood pressure medicine b/c it was high!  I think the flight response wasn't present b/c I know I don't want to do this life without these two friends...they are among some treasured blessings that I thank God for on a regular basis!
It kind of felt like a roller coaster for a little while...and there were some extenuating circumstances and baggage that none of us knew would affect us, that reared its ugly head, but we put our grown-up shoes on and we all talked it through.
The thing is, we are all human.  We are all flawed.  We all mess up.  We have highs and we have lows.  Life is full of good days, bad days, in the middle days.  Sometimes you throw in an injury and pain meds...just to shake it up even more.  But God created us to be relational beings.  We crave being known by others and loved anyways.  And if we want that for ourselves, we can assume that we should also be actively extending that to others.  It's just another day where you say "He/she is my best friend, and I love him/her anyways".  You willingly take the rougher days with the good days, because in the end, it is more than worth it.  To love and be loved, flaws and all, is an absolutely amazing thing...one we should not take for granted.
And in the end...you let your friends know how much you care.  You go the extra mile.  You duke it out, and hug and make up.  You do what it takes to share laughter and smiles.  Because they truly are a gift from God.  And life would not be near as much fun without them.
I hope my two besties know that I love them, I wouldn't trade them for a single thing, and I thank God for them each and every day.  I am so thankful for the way they step in and help me when I need it.  I am thankful for their input, advice, opinions, words, thoughts, prayers, that they accept me despite my flaws/baggage/injuries, and etc.  I am thankful for the way they openly love on my girls and I.  And that I know they would do anything for me.  I am blessed beyond words, and my heart overflows with gratitude that God had our paths cross.

Grand scheme of things...

I spent a lot of hours last week working on my final paper for the class I just finished.  I finished reading the textbook (cover to cover in five weeks), wrote my discussion post and replies, and then started writing.  Even though I had a detailed outline, the paper (partly due to the cast/splint on the left arm) took me Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, about 6-7 hours per day to get where I felt it was strong enough to turn into a teacher who nitpicks everything and made me second guess myself for five weeks.  I put so much time and effort into this paper...even used the plagiarism resource to make sure it was all good, and got a super low score on that (which is really good).  She has the paper for less then 24 hours, and gives me the lowest score I have received since going back to school...saying I didn't use enough of other people's words, and spelled out numbers that should have been numerals.  (of course, lowest score compared to other papers...all the other ones, before her class, were 100%). 
In the grand scheme of things, this paper doesn't matter.  It only dropped the percentage in the class down by one percent...still finished with an A.  It doesn't change my life or the blessings that God has been overflowing in my life.  Doesn't make my girls look at me any different or friends not want to be around me.  Has no bearing on the rest of the classes. 
And yet, I cried when talking to my mom about it.  I was so disappointed.  So much time, effort, and literally pain went into this paper.
On top of that, I was trying to help my daughter with her own tears as she watched Ms. Cheetah drive away in another person's car.  On again, off again tears over the rest of the evening.
Why is it that we let something so trivial trip us up?  In the midst of the tears, I temporarily forgot about all the friends, family, and opportunities God has placed into my life to give me a life that I truly love!  And this paper grade doesn't change any of that.  He doesn't look at me any different...in fact, like my mom, I am sure that He is proud of me.  I could have curled up and decided I was done on Tuesday after having my hand put in an uncomfortable splint...and asked for all kinds of special allowances for that week of school.  But I didn't.  I just kept going.  All things considered, especially when you take into consideration the fact that I was on pain meds that made it hard to concentrate, I should literally be GRATEFUL for pulling off an A of any kind on that paper...regardless of percentage. 
SO...today, I am choosing to look at the positives...the time yesterday with my girls and with some amazing friends.  The lunch I get to go to in a little while with a friend I have only seen twice since our weddings (a week apart and we were each other's maid of honors...Christmas '99 and New Years Day '00).  The beautiful letter typed up to me by a "new" friend that was even printed in my favorite color...red...and made me absolutely bust out laughing more than once.  The fact that the class I start tomorrow is one of five standing between me and graduation.  The opportunity to play photographer all day Saturday, with a family photo shoot in the morning and roller derby photos in the evening.  The ideas running through my head of ways to set up scenes with the guys, and maybe make them super hero type trading cards.  Not to mention all the belief that others have been pouring into me.  I truly have a life that is full and amazing.  Nothing I ever imagined for myself...full of God-sized, God-breathed redemption and potential and opportunities.
In the grand scheme of things...what truly matters is people...not grades!  And my life is wonderfully full of people!

Upside down

So, I know that I am always talking about how you just have to choose how you are going to react to things...that we always have the choice in how we are going to react.
Tested on that this week.
You see, this is the second time that I have been without the use of a whole arm for at least 3-6 weeks, in one school year.  The second time of being grounded from skating.  The second time that typing and keeping up with school work is made pretty darn difficult (I am supposed to be working on a ten page paper as I write this). 
My current choice...wallow in the misery, or enjoy the crazy silly side of things.
Can you guess by the picture which side I am actively trying to choose?
My daughter had a blast seeing this side of her mother!
And there is so much to laugh at:
who else can say that they spent two weeks of their freshmen year on crutches, in skirts so she could dress out, hopping 1/2 a block between buildings...
AND can say she broke a sewing machine needle that went all the way through one of her finger tips and had to have the home economics teacher pull it out for her...
AND got her first concussion in Canada after roller skating...
AND had a mini-stroke scrapbooking when 11 weeks pregnant with her oldest daughter...
AND got a second concussion hitting her head on her house while trimming the outside bushes...
AND ended up in an ankle immobilizer from serving trick-or-treaters on Halloween...
AND spent three months on bedrest for her youngest daughter...
AND attempted to shatter her knee falling carrying the same daughter...ending up in another immobilizer
AND strained her shoulder after her daughter rolled her arm with her off the end of the bed...
AND tore her meniscus while standing still at the kitchen table signing a permission slip (bigger immobilizer)...
AND smashed the nerves in her right palm from stopping a line drive softball to the chest...
AND tore some muscles/tendons in her right arm falling over a gal roller skating...
AND sprained her middle finger running into a wall...
AND then two weeks after the finger, fell over another child roller skating, landing on her left thumb.
This gal, that's who!
And that's the short list.
Now, if only I could start collecting money every time someone makes the bubble wrap comment.
Oooo, and based on that list, the roller skating injuries are actually the minority!
Go ahead...start laughing...it's good for us!
Might as well laugh!

Wordless Wednesday

Trying to let myself dream again...

So, this past weekend I was able to take pictures at my fourth men's roller derby bout.  It was another double header with the girls going first and the guys second.  I don't know the girls, but have begun to get to know the guys, so I mainly photograph the guys.  Six of our local guys went to Nebraska to play with the Big O' Roller Bros for their first bout...against the Kornstalkers.  The lighting was really low, and they used spotlights...so my sports setting on my camera wouldn't work, and I had to use the sensitive setting.  As a result, I took twice as many pictures as I kept... On top of that, the floor was concrete and these guys were flying!  Anyways, it was an absolute blast...I LOVE, love, love taking roller derby photos.
Sioux City (Kornstalkers) has this photographer that gets some crazy amazing pictures...the kind that other photographers actually drool over.  He also has a killer camera and setup.  His name is Jim Lee, and if you ever have a chance to see his photos, you should take the time to do so...he gets some crazy clear action shots.  Anyways, yesterday I was talking with him a little and complimenting him on his photos (and got an amazing compliment from him along with encouragement to just keep going and I will improve) and then I looked around at the different photos he has on his facebook page. 
And for the first time in a long time, I actually let myself dream and imagine where some of this might actually take me.  But, dreaming is not something that comes easy to me.  It's easier for me to not let myself dream, then to dream and have it shattered again.  So I spent some time with God, talking to Him and letting Him talk back to me.  And I told Him how much I would love to get pictures of each of our guys up on their website so that people could actually see who they are, and make a poster of them all, that they could sign for their fans...that kind of stuff.  (which is actually HUGE for me).  And then I told Him that I realize that kind of thing could actually take up a lot of my time, and its not one of the things He has asked me to focus on right now...so He could have it and do whatever He wants with it.  And I truly gave it all to Him. 
Woke up this morning, not really thinking about it at all...because I gave it over to God...and get on Facebook.  Find out that one of our Butchers is getting ready to launch a magazine (he has his own sports company that he runs on top of his regular job) and wondered if in the future they might possibly use some of my photos or me.  I'm sure by now you are getting on the same page...I didn't even dream up that one...never would have.  That is so God-sized that I wouldn't have even thunk it. 
So...I am just going to keep giving the dreams to God and letting Him dream for me.  As big or as little as He wants.  And just keep going with the flow and thanking Him for the doors that He opens or closes for me, according to what He knows is best for me.
And now, I am going to have to curb all the butterflies of excitement and crack down on homework.  Its the final week of this particular class which means regular homework and large paper...for a teacher who almost seems nitpicky, which makes me really nervous.  School IS one of the three things I am supposed to be focusing on right now.
Stay tuned...God seems to have BIG things planned for this gal...

Random Set-offs

I know I have said this before, and will probably say it again.  With divorce, its the random set-offs that you just can't predict, that are the hardest part of the aftermath for me.  I never know when they are coming and they can sometimes put a damper on an otherwise great day/movie/etc.
Take last night for example.  (although with how exhausted I was from all the picture taking this weekend, I maybe should have been aware of vulnerability to this).  Great quiet day with the girls and one of my best friends.  Thought about having a bonfire, but got stormed out, so the movie We Bought A Zoo was rented and I made sausage gravy and biscuits instead.  We start watching the movie, which has an underlying emotional side to it anyways, since they are trying to make a life for themselves again after losing mom.  In part of the movie, the son and the dad get into it...loudly.  The dad is screaming right into the son's face, and the son stops screaming back.  Flashing across his face, for just a little tiny bit, was this look of I can't believe that you are screaming at me like that.  It resonated with me.  Too much.  I literally left the room and went to the kitchen as fast as I could, trying not to attract attention doing so.  And bawled.  The kind where you are crying so hard that no sound comes out.  It threw me right back into being screamed at...right up in my face...and I remembered the times that I would wish I could become invisible and melt into a wall.  It took me awhile to get back under control, and during that time, the dad and son must have come to some kind of agreement/better place, because when I got back into the room things were finally good between the two of them...
I guess I always thought that after you reached the two year mark, things would be all good and time would have healed the wounds.  But, that was unrealistic.  I am at the two and a half year mark, and while God has used the passage of time to definitely bring healing, there are still times when it smacks you in the face.  Divorce brings incredible REAL pain...similar to death...that odd things can trigger.  Each day brings a little more resilience, but the damage done still needs more days and peace and time with God to truly heal from.  The scars are there.  The lessons learned are there.  The pain is real.
It's not all bad though.  God is doing some amazing things in our lives.  I don't even know what they all are yet, but He keeps telling me that He is at work and He will light up each new step as I need to take it.  Spending time with Him daily brings amazing peace, hope, joy, and healing.  And He is so able to use this pain that we have experienced, and that still pops up when we least expect it, to make us more sensitive and understanding of other people's pain.
I've said this one before, and I will repeat it again...even if the only good thing that ever came out of my divorce and painful marriage is the ability to come alongside someone else in their pain and/or healing process...it was worth it.
So...I experience a random set-off, I cry, I journal it all out to God, and then I pick myself back up, brush off the tears, and thank God that I am not still in the same situation.  I do NOT get yelled at like that anymore...and for that I am incredibly thankful!  God has always known exactly where I was at and what I was experiencing.  I can look back and see all the provision He made so that I could live through all of the past and come out on the other side.  And so that I could grown in Him and come to the point that I am thriving right where He has me now.  My God is an absolutely amazing God whose love for me is limitless.  I am so glad that He chose me to be His daughter!
By the way...really good movie!

I had to...

(picture I found yesterday while going through "oldies")

My mom was just telling me that one of the things she is proud of me for is my ability to overcome and forgive, rather than holding a grudge or becoming bitter.

But in all honesty, it truly feels like "I had to".

One of the first heartbroken prayers after finding out I was going to be another statistic, a single, divorced mom of two, was that God would keep me from becoming bitter.  From the very beginning, He worked hard with me to keep me forgiving, to process things through with Him as they happened so that I would not get stuck on them.  I had to.

Forgiveness, to me, doesn't really seem like a choice.  God forgave me before I even existed.  And He lives inside of me, so His forgiving powers are there for me...one of the resources He freely shares with me.  To not forgive those around me, accept them as fellow humans who sin and fall just like me, and to not have expectations of them that are way too high...seems like saying that He didn't do enough.  And I don't believe that.

If I want to be accepted for who I am...a woman trying to grow in Christ daily, to be content and thankful in all circumstances, who still messes up and falls flat on her face way too often sometimes, and who is learning to let God have full control (even/especially of her mouth), then I NEED to allow others to be themselves.

Does that mean I never get hurt by what others say or do?  NO!!!

What it does mean is that I will process through the hurt, with God and probably my two best friends, maybe even my mom...and I WILL forgive.  I will not hold it against you.  I may be a little weary of you for awhile, seeing if this is going to become a routine thing, or just a once in a blue moon thing.  But if things are awkward between us afterwards, its not because I am perpetuating it.  I have forgiven.  I have to.  I cannot live with myself when there are things that haven't been forgiven.  And with God's grace, I truly actively seek to forgive.  Some things are a little harder than others, but that just means God and I work harder on it.

Here's how I view it, perfectly summed up by one of my best friends yesterday after we talked through a situation that popped up yesterday: "We know our best friends better than anyone else... and we still love them."

When you are a people person, like myself, you learn to just accept people for who they are.  No expectations that they could never live up to.  Just love them anyways.  For me, this extends beyond just my best friends, (who I truly love despite their quirks and they extend that favor back to me) but also to my other friends and my family.  I know that I am going to occasionally mess up and do something hurtful, I am human.  But so are they.  I don't think any of us wake up in the morning and wonder whose feelings we could go stomp on today...we aren't geared that way.  So...back to the title...I had to.  Its not that I am some super hero whose super power is overcoming adversity and forgiving those who have wronged her.  I AM NOT!

What I am is a sinner saved by grace, whom God has shown amazing forgiveness to, who knows what it is like to hurt, and who would love it if she could remove the hurts of others.  But, since she has no super powers of her own, other than tapping into the amazing limitless resources of her Heavenly Father, she CHOOSES to forgive and move on.  Because she has to!

God-given Opportunities

If you had told me, in my teens or twenties, that I would be taking pictures of men's roller derby in my middle 30s, I would have absolutely laughed my head off.  However, this girl looks forward to each bout and the opportunity that God has given her to take pictures like the one above.
Let's go back a bit.  You see, this wasn't something that God hadn't spent years ahead of time preparing me for.  I know that you probably don't see it now, but when I was married, I turned into a shell of myself with no confidence about anything.  So God built me up gradually, as He is so good at doing (He knows the big picture would scare me speechless and motionless, so He only lights up the very next step for me...and then I gradually get to where He wants me to be without getting scared!)  First, He helped me gain a little confidence with Avon.  Then He surrounded me with strong, confident Christian women with a year of Mary Kay...showing me again how much I love to be surrounded by people.  Then he literally dropped my first "real" self-employed job in my lap...where I was in charge of every single aspect from start to finish, and I began to find that I love photography...virtual tours.  I worked with some phenomenal "older" realtors in Jefferson City and did all the house photography for them and kept their websites up to date.  God combined my love of photography with my love of looking at houses and I was able to see some of the neatest, high dollar houses in J.C.
The confidence built through running my own business lasted through the housing market crash, and showed me that God intended to use this for something.  The confidence that He knew what He was doing, so much that He would even orchestrate the tiniest details for me, carried me through my divorce, and filled me with a hope I couldn't understand.  I didn't know what He was up to, but I knew that I could trust Him to see me through.  The virtual tours disappeared, but He began to show me other ways I could use my photography.  I even jumped at the opportunity to do a family photo shoot for a friend of mine, which was an absolute blast.
Fastforward to now...one of my best friends is on KC's Cowtown Butchers men's roller derby team.  So, to support him, I went to his first bout.  And of course took the camera.  At the time, I only had one camera battery, so I took as many shots as I could before the battery went dead, charged it during intermission, and repeated the process.  Then came home from the bout and loaded the pics to facebook. 
Okay...this part might make you laugh...but you have to remember I am still being built back up by God and the confidence level is one of the things He is working on...
It didn't take long for the other guys on his team to notice that he was getting tagged in my photos, and they wanted to be tagged, too.  So starts my adventure in men's roller derby.  I am totally addicted.  I love to take the photos, come home and edit them, and keep maybe a third of them.  I am not always happy with all the ones that I keep, but sometimes I get one I absolutely love.  And when the guys jump to tag themselves in the photos, it amazes me.  I haven't missed one of their bouts yet, and hope to still be able to say that at the end of the season.
God knew that I would enjoy this outlet, and how very much it would mean to me to have this opportunity.  And partly due to this opportunity, and the fact that I am still getting pictures published on the front of Jefferson City's Real Estate Guide (a bonus from the time working with my realtors, that I forgot to mention...has happened seven times now), I was given an opportunity to take family portrait "happy snappies" at church during a sermon series called Family Portraits.  I have already done three weeks of it, two more to go, and gotten to meet people I otherwise would not have been able to, as well as serving next to another best friend.
God has put God-sized, God-given potential into each one of us.  Some of us tap into it way faster than others, some of us never quite tap into it.  There is more than one thing that He has put into us, too.  So maybe we just don't always figure it out.  However, He is more than willing to rearrange events so that we "stumble" across it and find fulfillment in life by tapping into it.  He wants us to thrive in this life, and has put so much in us to be able to do just that.
For me, one of those things is photography, and using it to bless others (this is not a paid gig...my payment comes in the form of the guys getting excited over their pics...and I LOVE that!).
What is it for you?

Proof of Growth

From a distance, this house looks like a decent older home with lots of character.  However, if you look closer you can see the damage from the years of neglect and the presence of some insane spider webs.  Life seems a lot like that to me.  Someone can look all put together on the outside, but once you look closer, the damage from day-to-day life, and a failure to daily come to God to be built back up is obvious.
I was rereading the blog posts that have survived and not been erased for one reason or another, starting from right after this new blog was started.  At the beginning, it was obvious that I had gotten "burned" from openly sharing in my last blog, and I didn't share anything other than what craft project I was working on.  Then as God used the passage of time, and His Words to bring continual healing to my life, my blog became more real and open and see-through again.  And I can see the growth He has been doing in me just by rereading my blog posts.
Growing is extremely important to me.  I have spent too much time in my past, stuck in my junk.  I long to grow and become more like God.  To let Him into every "room" of my life...free to renovate, demolish, and build back up.  I don't want to live stuck.  I want to grow more and more and more into the crazy God-sized, God-given potential that He put in me before I was even born.  So, I absolutely love that looking back over blog posts or facebook entries shows visible proof that I am growing in Him.
I am no where close to perfection.  I mess up every single day.  I give God stuff, only to take it back and have to start all over.  But in letting Him have all the control, which I am actually getting better at, I have found such freedom and joy for life.  I am living a life where He can and is using me...and nothing beats that feeling!
From the outside, I may not be all that great to look at, but from the inside, the remodeling that He is in the process of doing is a sight to behold!
I am so thankful that He never gives up on me!