The number 10

 

Just logged into my student site at Ashford University.

I have just completed my very first week of my first class back at school.

I spent way more time then I originally expected.

I am even harder on myself now then I was then.

Anyways, I know without a doubt that I am where I am supposed to be.

I only contacted one school after figuring out I want to do something

in the world of social work when I "grow up".

My admissions adviser called my by 10 the next morning.

And talked with me for 2.5 hours.

And told me that if I ever started to doubt myself,

or listen to the voice from the past saying I couldn't do this...

to call him and he would remind me that I can and will do this!

Also, encouraging me by sharing that he, too, was going back to school.

Then, within the first day of applying to the school, I was already cleared financially.

(According to my admissions adviser, it normally takes at least three days).

Then, my FAFSA cleared quickly, despite being randomly selected to send in extra paperwork.

The Financial Aid packet, that wasn't supposed to be in until the end of my first class, posted last Tues.

My transcripts, which mind you came from three different colleges, posted on Wednesday.

(They weren't supposed to be in until week four)

And today, they are already designated to where they will or will not apply

(which normally happens right before you start the next class)

There are only one or two things that I am hoping to change about the way they plugged credits in

and the upside is I now have a projected graduation date...

11/5/12.

It looks like I just need ten classes and I can officially have my Bachelor's.

Now, that is something to celebrate.

And we plan to do just that,

at the completion of each class, 

the girls and I will be coming up with a little celebration to congratulate ourselves on the sacrifice that each class will be for each one of us. 

It is a team-effort.

And H is already feeling the strain a bit.

But doesn't a mere 10 classes sound incredibly do-able!

So excited!

Blue Boxes Quilt Giveaway

I am giving this quilt away to one lucky winner on July 1st, 2011.  My daughter will draw a name out of the bucket and we will contact the winner and send it their direction.
This is in celebration of my re-entry into the college world.  Originally we were going to auction it off to help pay for incidentals, like college books.  But turns out that while I may sometimes be a "charity case" I am not a charitable organization and therefore can not sell raffle tickets without breaking MO's gambling laws.  And y'all know me, I am not one who enjoys breaking the rules/laws.  So that was not worth it to me.
The way I figure, God already knows my needs and how He is going to provide for them.  I don't need to gamble to provide for the girls and I.  He's got it all in the palm of His hands and He knows my heart.
And this quilt, was both a blast to make (I got the idea from a picture and then saw if I could recreate it) and the hardest thing I ever made myself finish (it used to have a purpose and a reason for being created but that first purpose no longer exists).  So, I am ready for it to have a home.  It was completed last night.
Hope that you love it and take the time to leave me an encouraging comment or your best college advice below so that I can enter you into the drawing.  You can have one entry per encouraging comment/advice that you leave me.
Love y'all, my support team and friends!
Red

What is it that...

...makes us hesitate to ask God to speak to us and then truly listen?  I know that we all want to experience God.  And some days desperately need to.  So why do we feel as if we are weird for wanting it or even weirder for admitting we were able to hear God.
I will be the first to admit...I talk that I want to hear Him all the time.  I "ask" but then forget to be still.  But today...after the feeling of threatened safety repeatedly this weekend, I NEEDED to hear from God and longed to physically feel His arms around me.
So, while journaling, I told Him I longed to hear Him say my name and to speak to me what I could do.  And guess what, the God who created the universe and who chose me to be His own daughter, indulged me.  I almost couldn't scribble fast enough to write everything He was saying.  And He started with my name...the first thing written was Becky.  There was a sentence I didn't want to write...because then it would always be there on that page and I knew sometimes I was going to really struggle with it.  I burst into tears and covered my face with my hands.  And He just kept saying the first two words..."I STILL..." until I could make myself start writing the sentence.  (That's not fair to leave it like that...but if you know me well, and know the only time I ever felt I heard God's voice audibly speak to me, while walking between classes at Northwest, you will know how to finish the sentence AND why I struggled to write it down.  And if not, it really isn't the point of this post anyways!)  And then He kept going.  A whole page of God's words to ME personally and to a friend who is traveling this particular hard day with me.
And maybe that part was even more cool then the fact He talked to me when my heart begged Him to (and the fact I was able to be still before Him and write)...was that there was a part where He literally said my friend's name and that I could share it all with her.  I believe we were both in tears as I tried to read it to her on the phone.  And today, we probably needed the release of those tears.  I can't speak for her, but I can tell you, that the feeling in my soul is one I never want to forget.  I know, WITHOUT A DOUBT, that He just spoke to me...and that I needed His words and that I will need to reread them again and again.  He loves me (AND YOU) so much that He does hear when we call and He knows what we NEED most.  Which for me today, was to "hear" Him.
Thank You, God for speaking to my heart and for loving me more than I will ever be able to understand this side of Heaven.  You are a great and mighty God and I love You!  --Becky

The part of my last college experience I never wanted to re-live

 

There was one particular thing from college days gone by that I had hoped to never experience again.  And honestly, figured that it would be "safe" considering the fact I won't actually be on a campus.  But, oh how it must make God laugh when I think I know how life will go.

During my college days, I worked full time and seemed to pick the wrong guys to hang out with or associate with or let know my name.  In one case, it was a guy that went to my church and was literally twice my age.  I spent some time hanging out with him and when I decided I no longer wanted to hang out with him or be anywhere near him...it didn't end the way I hoped.  Being that it didn't end.  My security guy and friends at work developed a code they would give over the intercom any time this guy came in the store and I would become busy in the dressing room, stock room or go on break until they gave me the all-clear.  Once he finally got the hint that he wouldn't gain access to me through my store, he began to leave notes on my car.  I had my own personal stalker.  I was never hurt physically, but it took me a long time to feel safe walking myself to my car or not feeling as if someone knew every where that I was. 

This minorly repeated itself after break ups...where instead of a clean break, the other person might leave "desperate" notes of please come back or whatever but never again to that extent again.  

The second college I went to, the last semester I was there, I lived in the BSU house and we were adding an addition to the back of the building.  There was a freshman that year who kind of creeped a few of us girls out that seemed to leave me presents at my door or want to be wherever I was or whatever...but still, not the same thing.  And after 11 years, you kind of feel it all less...forget the way it felt to be followed or watched or wanted in a way you don't want to be wanted.

'Til last night.  And now all those feelings are back.  I went to a Tastefully Simple party last night with a friend (who's husband also loves the party and went with us and his best friend called at the last minute and asked to tag along).  Anyways...I end up meeting this guy b/c we all ride together and we are merely at the same party together.  I don't go out of my way to be friendly but try not to be rude.  After the party, I am dropped off at home and call my mom to check in (missed a call from her while at the party).  And then I finish sewing the bindng on a quilt.  I hear a noise...and get up to see if my dog fell between the wall and chair again only to realize its the front door (and 9:30 pm by this time).  I answer the door and its guy who tagged along to the party.  Okay.  I don't open the door all the way and my dog is going nuts on the top of the stairs.  I am told that if I ever need someone to talk to he is more than willing to listen.  I say okay and thanks and dismiss him, lock the door up tight and go upstairs thinking "yeah, right...kind of wierd".  This repeated itself at 12:40 am, 8 am, and again at 9:20 am except I didn't answer the door those times.  I contacted my friend that I went to the party with and turned the situation over to her husband with a warning that my neighbors or I would be forced to call the cops if it happened again.  (I am no expert, but I don't think the guy is all there and not sure that he is coherant of the fact that its rude to do what he did).

All that to say...I had forgotten the invasive feeling of being stalked/watched/wanted like that.  And I do not enjoy the feeling at all.  It makes you wonder about so many things.  It makes you wish you had someone 24/7 to help you feel safer or a watch dog that would do more than lick the other person to death.  Although I will admit letting my dog sleep in my room with me did allow me to get some sleep last night.  

It also makes me think about how short this life is.  About how we aren't really guaranteed anything in this life and we should make the most of every day we have because you never know if it will be the last or not.  To be thankful for the times when everything is going smoothly b/c it isn't always that way.  And to remember that my life is in God's hands and He protects me from so much (more than I even know).

I have so much to be thankful for.  I realize that last night/this morning's events could have taken quite a different turn and my life would never have been quite the same afterwards.  I also realize that God was helping me in so many ways, especially to keep me from being emotionally vulnerable to that sort of situation in ways that would have made me appreciate or want the attention just because it was attention...and it could have ended badly.  He really does have my back and is working His plan for my life.  And I am appreciative of Him and His angels!  Thank You God for Your protection!

Thankful...the 365 Project

My mom was telling me about a book she just finished reading about a man who's life circumstances were not what he liked and he decided to foster thankfulness by writing 365 thank you notes.  He hand wrote them.  So she challenged herself to see if she could come up with 365 different things to be thankful for.  Well, you guys know how much I try to be thankful...so I am gonna see if I can come up with 365 things...

I am THANKFUL that...
1.  God never gives up on me and continually stretches, teaches, and molds me into the woman He knows I can be.
2.  I am safe...that God has my back and keeps the girls and I safe despite any/all threats
3.  I have a friend willing to step in when I get discouraged despite whether or not she is struggling at that moment too!  
4.  I have a friend who puts me up every single time I come in to town and acts as if she loves doing so...even when its not the most convenient...
5.  Someone modeled for me a daily Christian walk so that I would truly know how to do so in my life...and showed me the power of prayer as one of the strongest prayer warriors I have ever met.  Thanks Mom!
6.  I have people who believe in me as a seamstress and keep me supplied with special orders.
7.  God arranged every detail of the divorce and money situation so that I could continue to be a stay-at-home mom while my girls are in elementary school.
8.  my library has a huge selection of Christian books, fiction and non-fiction...so I can keep my brain busy and continually learn more.
9.  I had a college experience that I will never forget and made so many good friends that I still care for today!
10. I got to work for two summers at Heartland Presbyterian Center and have an outlet for my hyperness and love of kids...and finish paying off the last semester's college bill so I could start the next one.
11.  I was able to have two beautiful girls before it was deemed not healthy for me to have any more kids.
12.  I knew what it was like to be married...the ups and the downs...even tho it didn't last as long as I thought it would.
13.  God knows how to stretch money way better than I do.
14.  I have shelter...a roof over our heads, even if it is a rental...its still "ours".
15.  Facebook exists!  This is often an outlet for me...for adult interaction and to share prayer requests, highs and lows, and to pray for others.
16.  I have had the privilege of being part of so many great churches in my lifetime. 
17.  that I have siblings...lots of them...despite our ups and downs and feuds and gossip...I wouldn't trade it for the world. 
18.  KLove exists and I can freely turn my radio on and be uplifted by Christian words and music.
19.  my arms and legs and knees still work the way they are supposed to...most of the time...and that they haven't given out on me.  I was told at 15 that I would have to have my knees replaced by 30...Thank God that hasn't had to happen yet.
20.  I can help out other parents with their kids.
21.  I have a sewing machine and know how to use it.
22.  JoAnns is just down the street.
23.  someone has taken a chance with me and wants to be in my life...and in the life of my girls.
24.  there are guys out there who want to live their lives for God and that God is helping me to see that
25.  there is a trampoline in my garage for the girls and I to spend time together on this summer.

26.  I have a dog that seems to have been exactly what H needed to help her heal and control her temper more.
27.  the daily fits that used to be thrown around here are now the exception instead of the rule.
28.  I am learning that my value comes from God alone and the way He sees me...not circumstances or what people say
29.  I have a cell phone...and people call me.  Never underestimate the power of knowing someone is thinking of you
30.  the white mini-van gets us where we need to go...even tho its a gas guzzler, and a color that I said I would never own again.
31.  there is most of the time money to put more gas in said mini-van
32.  God knows better than I do; His plan IS what's best for me.
33.  that God sometimes laughs when we make "I will never..." statements.
34.  my parents decided to take this journey with me and support the girls and I the best that they can
35.  God taught me to change my expectations of others from what I hoped they would be/do to what they are willing to be/do
36.  notebook paper exists and spirals are not expensive...you would not believe how many I have already filled up this year between journaling and notes.
37.  there is always something that needs done...to keep me busy and thinking less.
38.  when I can't sleep, God is always there to listen.
39.  there are still people out there willing to make a "grand gesture".
40.  God will lay things on my heart or the hearts of others to do for the people around us.
41.  it feels so good to be the giver or receiver when God lays things on people's hearts.
42.  my girls know they are loved
43.  my girls are doing so good in school despite all the changes they have gone through in the last two years
44.  that we are starting to find our happy spot again...and its not dependent on circumstances, but based instead on what God is doing and has done for us
45.  no matter how many times I read the Bible or a specific verse, it is still alive and active and speaks so deep to me
46.  I have the privilege of having internet at my house again...even when the bill is still not the way its supposed to be and I was told to just pay what the statement says and hope its fixed by next month
47.  people are willing to help me figure out things
48.  I truly am not alone, even at the loneliest times.
49.  I am surrounded by beauty...indoors and outdoors.
50.  when I am restless, I can go and make something or read something and a lot of the time, that is all it takes.

51.  my dog seems to know when I am crying and comes to be by me...without judgment or "really, again?"...just his presence.
52.  hives don't last forever and eventually will finally disappear for good.
53.  people actually read what I write and its not just randomly floating around in space somewhere.
54.  I have an outlet for the crazy thoughts running around in my head...facebook, my blog, my journal
55.  there is time where I can just be me without having to worry what someone would say (there are benefits to being single!)
56.  God is giving me a indefinite stretch of time to learn what He needs me to learn before I am thrown into whatever the future holds.
57.  when I log into facebook, I can see the love...through notifications that people are commenting, or liking things...or leaving comments on my wall.
58.  its perfectly okay right now to have become more like my children then an adult this week...after all, most of my conversations have been with an 8 and 10 year old...what do you expect?
59.  laughter is a common thing in this house and encouraged.
60.  I can play ball in my living room, even if I am not rolling it, and no one yells at me for doing so.  Hours have been spent this week with a soft blue Hello Kitty Ball and a soft little football being tossed back and forth between the girls and I.
61.  hope is never far away...I just sometimes forget to focus on its presence.
62.  even the side effects of Pelvic Congestion Syndrome don't stick around forever.
63.  exercising really can lift the spirits.
64.  instant messaging exists and combines my favorite two things...talking to my friends and typing!
65.  you can truly change your mood by choosing to focus on blessings and things you are thankful for.
66.  reaching out to others, and doing small things for them helps me to stop feeling sorry for myself.
67.  God cares about me enough to hold every tear I have ever cried in the palm of His hand.
68.  God gives me exactly what I need to hold tight to, right when I most need it.
69.  rain can break the crazy hot temperature and get it bearable again.
70.  a smile can change my whole day.
71.  keeping busy is so effective...makes the time go by faster and makes me feel useful.
72.  my mom is willing to check in on me...even at the ripe old age of 34.
73.  my sister-in-law knows the struggles that follow divorce and becoming single again and keeps me going on the tough days.  Thanks again, Holly!
74.  loneliness can not keep its grip on me forever...
75.  God knows the dreams He has placed in my heart and has a reason for them...even when I don't have a clue what they could be for.

76.  temperatures that are perfect for open windows.
77.  my sister-in-law drops everything to help me hand-quilt a quilt.
78.  my library will find a book for me and hold it at the front so that all I have to do is walk in and grab it and check out.
79.  my kids don't call me the worlds worst mom for running out of toilet paper.
80.  thankfulness is contagious
81.  my girls are discovering the joy of reading
82.  the simplest thing, like all three of us reading together, can make my mama heart happy.
83.  we can do the same thing on the swing on the deck, and the happiness level goes up another notch.
84.  we have a working dishwasher and it takes a lot less time to wash and dry the dishes then doing it by hand
85.  our five year old dog loves to go on road trips with me.
86.  travel is something we actually can do right now...well, short travel...last summer we were tied to the house so this summer is looking a lot more fun
87.  God made it possible for me to continue being a stay at home mom despite the divorce
88.  we don't have to move this summer.
89.   H will finally have the opportunity to try out karate, which she has wanted to do for a long time
90.  you really can live without cable television and it isn't hurting us at all.
91.  the sun never stays away forever...it comes back and cheers me up again.
92.  someday in Heaven, I will be able to see my grandparents again and meet my son
93.  my friends are having healthy babies and adding to their families.
94.  people who have been in my shoes, gone thru a divorce and then God rewrote their love stories and brought them the love of their lives, have been willing to share their stories with me and encourage me and share that hope with me.
95.  in the midst of the pain, God can show glimpses of hope and reason for the pain.
96.  my going through hard times makes me more compassionate to others and helps me reach out more quickly.
97.  my friend is part of a band that I love going to the free concerts of...go Maywood!
98.  my girls love to silly dance around the living room with their crazy mom
99.  I am surrounded by color!  everywhere I look.  It brightens my day and puts a smile on my face.
100.  every day is a new start and new beginning...and I can try again.

101.  the tornadoes stayed away from KC.
102.  I get to see how people are rallying around each other in support.
103.  facebook is an outlet for us to support each other.
104.  I was able to spend time with Melody even tho it was in her basement and we were listening to sirens.
105.  the school year is almost over which means my Mon, Tues, and Wed are going to clear up.
106.  God is still God even in the light of recent events.
107.  my baby sister got married.
108.  I went to the wedding with a plus-one...which was fun...and was definitely supported.
109.  people don't make fun of me for my prayer requests.
110.  our family was actually able to hang out together after the wedding with no drama.
111.  the frisbee was in the car and provided hours of fun and entertainment.
112.  date nights.
113.  God knows what He is doing and why.
114.  I wasn't tested this week on whether or not I was holding on too tightly to things
115.  my heart goes out to the people and families who lost everything and that I can pray for them
116.  God knows their pain even more than I do, and He can do something about it.
117.  this weekend is a break...there is nothing scheduled or that has to be accomplished.  I can just enjoy the holiday weekend.
118.  people were willing to play along with my need to know that they were okay despite the 80 some tornadoes yesterday and answered my role-call.
119.  I haven't been forgotten just because I moved three hours away
120.  God brought me the book The Promise by Robert J Morgan and I read it THIS week.
121.  God put promises like Romans 8:28 in the Bible for me to hold tightly to.
122.  friends have picked up on the importance of being thankful and remind me every Thursday to think thankful
123.  every day is a fresh new start and a gift from God to be treasured
124.  God is working on me and keeping me teachable and moldable
125.  God knew me before time began and knew that He wanted me as His daughter...I am chosen!

126. the message in Letters To God...that book really spoke to me.  Why don't we take more things to God like that?
127.  my "mom" would take time out of her holiday to listen to her daughter try to process stuff.
128.  I can recycle my favorite pairs of jeans into something that extends their use.
129.  my trampoline is finally put together and I got to spend great time with my brother-in-law and nephew in the process.
130.  my sister is willing to share her girls with me.
131.  that God knows exactly how much I can handle with His help and never gives me more than that.
132.  He answers our prayers in three ways...yes, no and maybe
133.  there is never a prayer I pray that is not important enough to Him to hear and answer.
134.  I was able to find my girls something special they could do this summer...karate for one and PraiseKids for the other
135.  God is helping me to rebuild friendships from years past.
136.  I didn't end up having to move this weekend...and have been here for one year now
137.  I got a random phone call this afternoon from a friend.
138.  I got to go to church Saturday night for the first time in months!  Love Saturday night, casual, contemporary services
139.  my dog loves to go on walks with me as much as I like to go on walks
140.  my dog is always happy to see me and greets me so excitedly
141.  my sister-in-law doesn't mind letting me borrow her vacuum cleaner and how great her's works!
142.  Holly's family doesn't mind when I tag along for family suppers.
143.  my grandparents are in Heaven with God...along with several other well-loved family members
144.  I have a laptop and can be on the internet while sitting comfortably on my bed.
145.  even when I say stupid things, that don't come out the way I mean, there is forgiveness
146.  even when I am confused, I know I can go to God and leave it all at His feet.
147.  I really can choose what mood I am going to "let" myself be in.
148.  it doesn't really hurt anything if I honestly don't have a clue
149.  I may get to see some old college friends of mine this next weekend.
150.  the bills continue to get paid, by the grace of God.

151.  I get to go back to school and get a degree after all these years
152.  I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up...some kind of "help" job with kids or hurting women...maybe even adoptions.  Where my heart is.
153.  I have friends who are willing to push their own pain aside to be able to help me carry/deal with mine. 
154.  even tho life keeps changing, and friends come and go, I am still here and God still hasn't given up on me
155.  each verse written in the Bible comes from God's own heart and thoughts and are promises that are just as true today as they were the day they were "penned"
156.  His word has power
157.  prayer works and every word is heard and answered...even when the answer is maybe or wait.
158.  God provided a friend from the past to help me get the courage to walk into the single's community group Sunday morning...after having been recommended in Feb...I am only 4 months behind in my follow through.
159.  my mother was willing to call multiple times after I called her telling her I was having a rough day
160.  my sister is willing to tell me the "hard" stuff to help me "man up" and keep going.
161.  there are books like Every Woman's Battle and Every Single Woman's Battle that help me to figure out what I want and why...and how to implement it into my life
162.  there is another day to try, try again
163.  my daughter is taking her karate seriously and is doing her very best and was able to get positive attention tonight for doing so well.
164.  the little things...like jumping on the trampoline together, seem to make for the best memories.
165.  that my sister was willing to spend extra time with my oldest tonight so she could have a bit of a break and do something she wanted to do while I was helping out at karate tonight
166.  I was able to talk to a high school friend on the phone for two hours in the wee hours of the night/morning.  Hearing her voice again was a really cool thing!
167.  God seems to be able to use my pains...even in the midst of figuring them out myself sometimes.  Makes it seem a little more worth it.  And for some reason never ceases to amaze me
168.  I was reminded to concentrate on my blessings today...you would think, by now, that I would easily remember how much it helps.  I have been learning this lesson big time since November.  It surprised me that I needed the reminder
169.  that I have friends willing to trade what I CAN do for things I can't do...namely, yard work that I seem to have grown allergic to in very scary ways.
170.  I have cheerleaders!  and they aren't just cheering me on for going back to school (all though that has been a pleasant surprise!)
171.  when you change your expectations for others, all of a sudden you free them up to be themselves and the relationships exceed your earlier expectations.
172.  we are all human...even tho sometimes that is also one of the hardest things to accept.  It is what it is.
173.  the talents God has given me are for a reason
174.  I have a new blog that reminds me so much of the old Verse-of-the-Day emails I used to send out in college days.  With a twist.  A verse and a prayer.  Makes me feel useful and encouraging again...two things that really help me out a lot.
175.  I was able to figure out a way to apologize...helped me feel a little better...not quite the same as doing it in person, but helped some.

Obviously I am not to 365 yet, but have been adding 25 at a time to my FB notes page and wanted to share how far I had gotten...365 all at once would have been an even longer post.
How many things can you find to be thankful for?  I have discovered it greatly improves my mood when I think on these things rather than on momentary problems!

Missing

I find myself missing you today.

Missing the conversations we so easily had.

The ones where we discussed the big and the little happening in each other's lives.

The tears and the laughter and more laughter.

Sharing hopes and dreams.

Confusions

Wondering what the future might hold

Just the easy friendship

And wondering why I have so much trouble stepping out of this house and trying to make new friends

With a heart that knows I don't always get to hold on to the friends I spent so much time getting to know

And yet, seems that that is what life is about.

You make new friends

and then life separates you as you move separate ways.

I can either move on or cling to something that isn't mine anymore,

at least not in the same way.

So, again, I have a choice.

Sit around and mope for the friendships that are not a part of my daily, weekly, monthly life anymore.

Or snap out of it and work on making new friends,

while enjoying the bits and pieces of updates on blogs and facebook,

that keep me in the loop,

at least a little bit.

And to be thankful

for the time that we did have together

and the fact that God blessed my life with such great friends,

even if it seems like it was just for a second.

I can't allow myself to grow hard

or put the walls back up to refuse to get hurt.

I am human and every friendship I make will be with other humans.

And life is SHORT!

There are no guarantees.

So, I choose...

over and over and over...

to keep putting myself out there...

to keep making new friends

and to be thankful for the time I had with old friends.

In the end...

it truly is worth it.

Despite the temporary pain

and the fact that today I am missing you.

Finding Peace

If you have followed my blog any time at all, you know that I am not the best person at dealing with change.  And yet, right now...it is all around me again...and I am trying to learn to embrace change and see what I can learn from it.  You also know that I do not like decisions made for me...or to feel as if I had no say in a decision...or that it wasn't clear, or whatever.
So, my life seems kind of in a tail spin right now, and it feels as if I am being watched to see how I am going to handle it all.
You wanna hear how I have been doing with it so far?
Well, there was the trampoline therapy on Saturday.
Then on Sunday, I spent two hours driving all the way around Smithville Lake and getting some photography therapy.  And boy did God show off on Sunday.  The above sun peeking through the clouds pic was one such pic I fell in love with on Sunday.  It played hide and seek with me the whole time I was there.  And in the midst of driving around and just sitting listening to the waves crash against the rocks, there was peace.
You see, I don't have to know what I am doing.  I just have to be willing to be useable and to keep following His lead.  He already knows it all.  He knows exactly what He is doing and how it will all be accomplished and what the purpose is for each bump in the road.  And He knows that I am trying so hard to choose to seek the lessons behind the bumps and to learn and grow.  Especially to grow closer to Him.
So, do I have a clue what is going on right now or why?
Nope!
But in the grand scheme of things...it doesn't matter that I have no answers to the questions.  He doesn't even get mad at the emotions.  He is a big enough God to handle my emotions.  He doesn't even turn the other way when I start crying again (and this week, there is no warning ahead of time)...instead, He pulls me close and He wipes each tear, holding them all in His hands.  And He reminds me that it is all going to be okay.  That He and I together can do this.  All of this.
Yes, sometimes I wonder why in the world He thinks I am "big" enough to handle all of this.  And YES!  I am grateful that I don't have to go it alone!!!  Yes, I doubt myself and have to remind myself again and again and again that He will not ask anything of me that He hasn't already equipped me to handle.
But...  Man, have I said that a lot lately.  But.  Do I really not get to talk things through with my friend?  Is that really something that had to disappear and change...and so fast, without warning?  And on top of that, am I really ready to go back to school...can I really learn how to write papers in a different format and go to school without the personal interaction part?  Really, God?  I really can handle all of this?
I am human!  I doubt my own abilities, a lot...due a lot to what I experienced since the last time I was in college, yes...but a lot. 
But, I don't doubt my GOD!  He is everything that the Bible says He is.  He is way more than I could ever fathom that He is.  He never changes and He can't lie.  So promises in the Bible like Jeremiah 29:11-14 and Romans 8:28 and Philippians 4:13 and all the ones in between, before and after...they are all TRUE.  Because they were His words.  Regardless of what author He used to pin the words...they were all inspired by HIM...spoken by HIM...and HE cannot lie!  So they will all come true.  And I can count on them!
And that is another way that I find peace DESPITE the chaos, confusion, doubts, and wonderings.  His word.  And reaching towards Him.  Praising Him with my mouth even tho I have no clue what I am doing...maybe its more like praising Him because I have no clue on my own.  And being thankful...for the confusion that points me back to Him...keeps me at His feet.  Broken and useable.  Made into something new.

So thankful for my trampoline

Found a new use for the beautiful trampoline in the back yard. 
You see, exercise is great for getting frustration or emotion out.
Here's how I used it today...
bounced until I could not bounce one more time...
then sobbed until I couldn't sob anymore...
then back up to jump until I couldn't jump another jump...
then cried until there were no tears left again...
and kept repeating until the tears were spent.
Now to just give my eyes some time to recover and tomorrow move forward with my new-again-normal.

questioning

Do you ever find yourself wanting to believe the best in someone just because everyone else is already assuming the opposite?  Do you ever wish with everything in you, that this time you are going to be the one right and everyone else is going to be wrong?  That the person you know them to be will shine through rather than the person they might be assumed to be?
I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense because there are no specifics...but surely there has been sometime in your life where you might have felt this way.
I have been wrestling with this this week.  And I have no answers.  I so much want things to work they way I think they should rather then the way it looks like it will go. 
And repeatedly, I have given it back to God only to jerk possession of it back again...and then to prayerfully, and sometimes tearfully, hand it back again.  I don't know what God has in this situation.  I know that He has used the preparation of getting accepted into college again and all the financial paperwork that goes with that, to sidetrack me from the other situation.  The two have warred for my attention this week.  But there is absolutely nothing I can do about the first struggle.  So it is easier to spend time prepping for college...and of course that is the exciting thing this week anyway. 
I have dreamed of finishing a degree ever since "settling" for my associates right after getting married...I went to one last semester of college as a newlywed, and it was the toughest of all the semesters put together.  And I walked for my associates with the glowing face of someone who just found out she was pregnant and entered into my stage of stay-at-home mom with no hesitation.  But always, in the back of my mind, I have wanted to go back to school.  I would see the courses for interior design, that promised you could get your degree in a year and be part of the creative world.  And reality would slam in that I had two toddlers and money was needed for diapers not a course.  I would think about all the money spent and how close I had been to finishing my teaching degree, before transferring schools again, and wonder if I had made the right choice...then look into the gorgeous eyes of my two baby girls and toss the idea aside.  And I couldn't for the life of me picture myself in the classroom every single day, trying to keep the 28 kids' attentions so that they could learn from me.  But yet, the itch to go back and finish was there...off an on throughout the entire time.  It just never seemed possible despite the fact it felt I had given up and not finished something that big.
And now...I am a single mom who is looking at how fast life is moving and the fact that my oldest will be a fifth grader next year and my youngest a third grader.  Time is flying.  I have just a limited time of their elementary school days to figure out what to do with my life.  And as I contemplated that I thought about all I had learned through this life change I didn't ask for but am trying to make the best of.  What can I do to help others and give back like God has so greatly blessed me and taken care of me in all this?  (without being in a classroom setting).  And Monday night, two words would not leave my head..."social work".  And as I began to explore the internet to see what schools near me might have a degree in social work I discovered that many people who work like that to help others have a degree in psychology.  And that that degree could be used to go into areas like child welfare or even adoption.  That spoke to my heart. 
So I sent out a single query...to Ashford University.  First thing the next morning, while finishing up my quiet time and spending over half my journal asking God if this might be the direction I had been praying for, I got a phone call from the school and "met" my admissions counselor.  And the ball just keeps rolling.  Everything seems to be falling into place.  They got clearance financially faster than normal...I start class on the 21st...which also seemed God's timing, because the girls will be at their dad's that whole first week...I can get back into homework a bit before they get home again.  Each class in 5 weeks long, so I will be a fifth of the way into my first class in their absence.
And they are excited...T especially.  She loves the idea that mom is going back to school and getting a degree.  They truly will be my biggest cheerleaders.  I am aware that this will not be easy. 
But feel as if God has been preparing me for a busier time...that He has helped me to cram as much learning of Him as possible in these last months to help carry me through a time where I won't get to spend as much time with Him as I have become used to.  Seems like life is a cycle like that for me.
And I am so excited to see what all He has for us in this.  He is moving, like always, and He has such a great plan for us...one that is so hard for me to comprehend and imagine.  But that I trust, none the less.  Now, to expectantly watch to see how He will work out paying for it!  He did that for me repeatedly in my Northwest days and I am excited to see how He will do it this time!  Love watching God at work, and remembering to be watchful!

Choice: Be frustrated or embrace it!

Got the quilt top finished and spread it out and noticed that I placed two squares wrong.  But you know what!  Rather than be frustrated, I am going to decide that it's a "happy accident".  You see, it kind of illustrates me.  I am not perfect...no where close.  And I have made decisions that take me out of the path, or in this case pattern, that God sees best for my life.  I take a little side road or add in a few colors that weren't best suited for me.  But He doesn't give up on me or get so angry at me that He no longer looks at me with love.  In His case, He does lovingly take the "seam ripper" to my life and helps me mend and learn and change...but He also lets me embrace the things I have learned from doing it my own way and lets me grow from those as well...He doesn't always remove the consequences.  But in the end, I am a beautiful, useable thing for Him and He opens up new doors for my usefulness.

Without Distraction

"The unmarried or celibate woman cares for the Lord's business; her aim is to be dedicated to Him in body as in spirit, but the married woman cares for worldly things; her aim is to please her husband.  In saying this I have wish to keep you on a tight rein.  I am thinking simply of your own good, of what is seemly, and of your freedom to wait upon the Lord without distraction.  I Cor. 7:34b-35

in the amplified...
"And the unmarried woman or girl is concerned and anxious about the matters of the Lord, how to be wholly separated and set apart in body and spirit; but the married woman has her cares [centered] in earthly affairs--how she may please her husband.  Now I say this for your own welfare and profit, not to put [a halter of] restraint upon you, but to promote what is seemly and in good order and to secure your undistracted and undivided devotion to the Lord.  I Cor 7:34b-35

I don't know about you, but in college I didn't particularly count being single as a gift.  Granted, I dedicated three (whole) semesters to not dating anyone but God...but it didn't keep me from having crush after crush with any guy in my BSU group that followed God in a visible way.  I guess I didn't learn my gift of singleness back then...didn't embrace the lack of distraction quite enough...Didn't embrace the freedom to WAIT on God and put my undivided devotion on Him.
So, I get to try again.  I have been divorced (sometimes feels more abandoned then divorced, but God is helping me to see that part less) for a year and a half now.  I have had time to practice waiting on God with undivided devotion.  And I don't feel as if I am any better at it now then I was before.  Maybe because I kept being distracted.  There are so MANY distractions...and not all of them are bad.  There are some really great distractions out there.  But they have kept me from being 100% devoted to God and embracing this time He has given me to live more fully for Him.
I have struggled a bit over the last week with what God wants me to do...who He wants me to be...and with fully trusting Him to write my story without my help.  He doesn't need my help.  He has it all under control quite well on His own and I tend to just louse it up quite a bit.  I have learned that I don't have to have a guy in my life to make me whole and happy...but I DO have to have God in it to accomplish those two things.  And that even if God allowed everything I know to be stripped away, everything that has brought me so much joy lately, I will be okay because I will still have Him.  He is what I most need and the chance of everything disappearing, again, reminds me to keep grounded in Him and keep focused on Him...to the exclusion of all else.
You see, if my focus is on Him...if He alone is the center of my world...everything in the periphery is going to fall into place anyways (heard that on KLove this week and LOVED it!).  He has it all under control.
I have no clue what my next step will be.  But I do know that today, I am to wait.  And I am to continue waiting on God until He has my heart in the place it needs to be for the next step.  And in all reality, I don't want the next step before I am ready for it.  When I jump ahead and skip steps, it just gets me hurt.  (Physically I have proven this one over and over...just ask my doctors.  Emotionally, I have been guilty of this as well).
Waiting and patience are so not easy for me.  But I am learning.  And I am embracing the growth and stretching and correction.  He knows who I can become.  And becoming who He wants me to be is very important to me.  I don't want to waste time having to learn the same thing over and over again because I didn't embrace the needed time to learn it in the first place.  I need to be who He wants me to be...otherwise I am just restless and no good to anyone.
To sum all that up...I am single for a reason...this is a season in my life (and only He knows how long the season will last) where He wants me to be able to embrace the singleness and make my life about Him.  I was never told that I wouldn't be...and honestly after the divorce that is all I wanted to be...single.  Now, that's not to say that I wouldn't love to be married someday to someone that would love me for me and help me to keep growing in the Lord and who would embrace my kids as his own...all while keeping his own focus on God first.  But I haven't been told that that was part of God's plan for me.  And if God lit up the steps necessary to get from where I am right now to that possibility...it would probably freak me out.  He knows I am not ready for that yet.
He showed me a great guy (if I am being completely honest, He has shown me incredible guys throughout my life who are living for Him and I was able to also see Him at work in their lives before and after they married friends of mine...this one just happened to be the most recent one He has allowed me to witness)...one who is living for Him, who has helped me to continue my healing process and isn't afraid to talk the hard things through with me.  Who showed me that there are still men out there, that are single, and are living their lives for God.  And for that I am thankful!  Through this guy...God has shown me a ray of hope...that all is not lost...that the plans He has for me are beyond anything I could imagine.  And that there is friendship out there that is amazing...without strings attached.  And I hope that I can be the gal that I need to be...that I can be a true friend back...so that he, too, can be free to be the person God has for him to be...right now and in the future.  And I hope that he knows how thankful I am for that friendship and for the way he has let God use him to help me.
I may be single...but I am blessed beyond anything I ever would have thought.  I am loved by my Savior and He delights in me.  He loves that I am seeking Him with all of me.  And He wants a relationship with me even more than I desperately need it with Him.  Why did it take me 34 years to figure out that being single was a gift?

Blue Boxes quilt

 As soon as I started cutting my squares I knew that my quilt wasn't going to come out the same as my inspiration quilt.  Because I used strip sets, I ended up with squares that were outlined in the light and the other half were outlined in the dark.  The inspiration quilt was all dark outlines.  But I started playing, and the look is still good.  This is what I wanted...but didn't have enough fabric to make enough squares to finish going around the outside edge, as you can see.  So then I had a choice to make (that didn't include pouting)...

 Choice #1, I could have the center be the lighter outline and ground the top and bottom with the darker...then the border would continue to ground it more so that the light doesn't disappear.

Or choice #2...to make the dark the center and a bit more prominent and then add the border.  The border is just a shade lighter than the plain blue that is the third darkest strip...so I am leaning towards the first choice because it seems to pop better with the plain border.  And wishing I had more of the diamond patterned fabric to go outside the border fabric for a last border.  Last time I was in my JoAnn's tho, there wasn't any more of it.  And I was just in Independence Saturday, so a trip there doesn't seem to be in the near future.

We took a sewing break today anyways, and declared it reading day.  Love our library and selection of books and love when all three of us are reading in the same room!  Good times!

Race day bag

Dale Jr fabric found at fabric.com

 I was asked to put in a pocket for any papers they might collect while at the races.  To that pocket I added a good-sized zipped pocket for things they wouldn't want just rattling in the big part of the bag and a hook to attach their key ring to.  Also had to keep to a certain size...bags have to be 14x14 or smaller to take them in.

On the outside, easily accessible, is the water bottle pocket.  Didn't have a water bottle so used the Gatorade bottle to make sure a water bottle would fit.
Love the way it turned out.  Hope that it ends up being perfect for their needs tomorrow at the race!

Excited about my new challenge

This is the picture that made me want to try to make a quilt based off of a picture (quilt pic found at allpeoplequilt.com's share section...click the word picture above and it will take you to the actual picture).  I love the look of the squares all over this quilt.  Wanted to do a blue quilt...with hardly any other color but blue...and remembered this pattern.  Every since ordering the extra fabrics...I have been almost patiently waiting for them to arrive at the house so I could get started.  As soon as I finish the bag I am currently working on, I get to begin cutting this out!  I really can't wait to see if I can look at a pic and make a quilt.

Here are the fabrics I want to use.  Iffy on the spotted on that is the second to the right.  Not sure whether that one will make it into this quilt or become a bag instead.  Can't tell if it goes and am trying for a geometric, maybe manly feel.  The spots look almost like flowers to me now that I see them.
The one that has a little red in it looks so different then the picture online.  The circles, online, were so tiny that they barely were distinguishable as circles but made a neat design.  Still like this print...but a little disappointed.  And my two plain blues ended up being super similar in shade.  Wonder how this is going to turn out?