The process of gorgeousness (updated)

Just like it takes many layers and hours of time to make a completely gorgeous, beautifully detailed quilt, having a life of true beauty inside and out takes a long, detailed, oftentimes painful process. 

The quilt I am currently working on is a great illustration of this. It had more puncture marks from the countless stitches than I would care to admit. If you look super closely at it, it's not perfectly uniform. But when you step back and look at a whole square, I am amazed at its beautiful detail. When I step even further back and look at it as a whole quilt, I am literally speechless. Each stitch, detail, shape, color, layer... All work together to form a beautiful work of art. Each layer or piece or stitch by itself is just that...a layer, a piece, a stitch. The quilt has had to go through the whole process to become the work of art. 

My life is definitely like that. I've walked through some super hard, literally dark and trying times. I've fought hard to have an outlook that sees the good despite the trying, the laughter despite the pain, the blessings among the empty... God has used many many people in my life to just keep me going and moving forward. 

For just over a year, I've been meeting with one of the pastors' wives at my church to assist in this. And she's been challenging me at every turn to look at things differently. Asking the hard questions I maybe try to avoid or ignore, but that seem to bring healing and gorgeous details to this adventure called life. God has used her more than I could ever put in words. This week she flat out asked me why I keep choosing to settle for just friendship, or even to hide behind one of my male best friends rather than being more open and available to what God might have for me just around the corner? Why I don't see myself as deserving more. I stinking have the answers for her, but while I am coming up on the end of this one particular quilt, I find myself thinking a lot about this and other things that the process of being made more like God and moving beyond our circumstances. 

I have no profound light bulb moments. But I do have this underlying current of awe at what God's brought me through, where He has me now, and where He has promised me that He will be taking me in the future. I know that this life of mine is His to write however He wants, and that every speed bump along the way helps me to trust Him more and to be able to be there for others. I know that without a doubt because I've seen it as a reoccurring theme in my life. And one day, when it's my time to go home to be with Him...I will be able to step back from my life and see the bigger picture and the beautiful details all work together to make one gorgeous piece of art...that points straight to Him and how good He always is! 

To me, that is exciting and challenging!

Just like me, the quilt isn't finished yet. You can see it's potential, and fun details... Knowing that soon it will truly be a work of art and useful all at the same time. And until then, we just know it's headed in the right direction, trusting that when I finish all the quilting and put the binding on it will be completely gorgeous. I choose to trust that God, my creator, is doing just that in me!!!

(Quilting finished)...

Hadn't even dreamed this one...

I've been trying to do as many vendor/craft shows as possible this summer...I couldn't do near as many as I wanted to do because of the fees involved...but I think we averaged about one a month...(except August because of trying to be super available as the youngest one was trying to adjust to everything having to do with the middle school transition).  There were some big fairs we would have loved to participate in, but never even dreamed of participating in...just because funds were so limited.
And then Friday night, we went and walked around at Parkville Days (another one we couldn't figure out how to do, but thought about)...and I found myself really wishing that we could have experienced a bigger type event.  We loved the ones we got to do, and have made some amazing friends/contacts, and I think that was one of the reasons I found myself wishing on Friday night that we could have had our booth there, too. 
I guess I tend to limit my dreaming to more realistic or actually attainable...because I hadn't allowed myself to even dream about having a booth at one of these bigger events. 
But then, I had a friend volunteer to sponsor our booth at Liberty Fall Festival...a total God thing.  And because we didn't have an event in August, we have a great amount of stock to feel comfortable saying, yes, please...we would love to!
Then went to Chamber of Commerce today, and the woman seemed so hesitant because there were so few spaces left.  So I tried so hard not to be excited, because I didn't want to crash in disappointment.  She went into her office, while I stood at the counter.  We got to talking a bit through the hallway area, and since I was only looking for a 2 day spot, she came back and said she had room for us.  This is when it was starting to hit me that we were actually going to get to do this.  She wrote out my receipt as I showed her what our last booth looked like, and sent me on my merry little way.  Before even pulling out of the parking lot, I had already texted my life-long friend Kari who was praying for things to go smoothly, and had my friend Heather on the phone squealing in excitement!  Really badly squealing!  I literally feel sorry for her ears.
This is so huge for us I don't even know how to put it into words.  It's an annual event that always has a huge showing.  It's close to the house.  I have the product, just want to make up extra stock to fill in spots as they empty.  There is huge potential for getting our name out there and showing the cute things that we can do!  And the kids can come join me after they get home from school and be able to see people they know walk through/by.  I hadn't even dared to dream that it would be an event we would ever get to do...kind of like the state fair...you walk through thinking wouldn't it be fun to be represented here, but that's about it.  OMG!
Just last night in my quiet time, God was reminding me of the big things that He has brought us through and all the things He is doing behind the scenes to bring some big things to us in the future.  This is definitely one of those big things...His hands have been all over all of this!  Only in His confidence in me, could I step out and do something like this!  Truly never thought I would...but oh so excited to see what He will do with it from here.
There have been times when I have seriously questioned all of this and if it could work or if I was hearing Him wrong and needed to do something different.  But He has made the way for us every single month to be able to keep doing this, because it is the support that Banana needs right now, and lets me truly be there for both girls.  Toad and Banana are two of my biggest cheerleaders and the joy they get out of doing their own thing by me as I sew is amazingly reassuring to this momma's heart.  And the ability to stop and run to therapy, or stop and take Toad to one of her things, and to be with them on Wednesday night in youth, etc, is a gift I do not take for granted.  While this road has been hard, its also been an amazing blessing.  To truly be there for my girls and not have to miss anything or second guess how to make the schedule work so they can get the help they need...amazing.  And only by the grace of God.  On paper...it really really doesn't work.  But with God, it actually has worked.  I wouldn't want to do it any other way...I really want to walk out the path He has for me, holding His hand all along the way!

Four simple words...

Today, I got an email message...that left me in tears.  And I wouldn't have even known that I got it if my daughter hadn't checked to see why I hadn't answered.  It was my first ever email message from my almost 12 year old, who has struggled oh so much lately.  (there are plenty of posts on that journey, so I won't go through it now).
Four simple words...that left me with tears in my eyes and a sense of THANK YOU GOD!!!
The email simply said "I love middle school".
Again, I say thank you, God!
Speechless.  Still.

My super girls!

 

Just wanted to share a special update!

I know many of my posts lately have been down...it was truly one of our toughest summers.

But summer is over and school has started.

All the hours of therapy, all the hours Toad and I walked with her around the middle school getting used to the building and bells, all the melt downs and struggles...

...we were able to see the other side this week!

I'm not saying the struggles are over.

There is no cure...just ways to help her better cope...and make sure she knows she's not in this alone.

Both of my super girls had a spectacular, super start to their '14-'15 middle school adventure!

She is even riding the bus in the morning by choice!

No meltdowns before or after school all week.

No sob stories about the horrors of having to put on tennis shoes for PE.

No bawling because the locker wasn't cooperating with her.

She's not necessarily jumping for joy at the idea of going to school, but she's not dreading it either.

Both girls are making new friends and lots of new memories.

Exactly what every momma wants for their kiddos!

They both went through soooooo much this summer!

It's not easy to have anxiety disorder, OCD, and sensory processing disorder.

But its also not easy being the big sister to someone with those struggles either.

And they are both doing it! 

And on their way to thriving despite it all.

And that is nothing short of a miracle!

If you had asked me last month if I thought she would have a great transition and first week of school, I would have told you how much we were dreading what it could be like.

But it was nothing like we dreaded!

She is waking up on her own.  She's wearing pajamas at night for the first time since before kindergarten.  She's smiling and laughing.  She's functioning on a higher level.  She is doing great!

I'm well aware that there will still be tough times in the near future, and that little things like having to perform with choir for her grade make her hide in her room in panic.  But I am so thankful for a short break from daily breakdowns.  For a short break from hearing her wonder why she exists.  For a break from trying to help her see the truth rather than the lies of hopelessness that come to her so quick in the midst of a meltdown.

I am truly thankful for all the hours we poured into her this summer...believing for her when she couldn't, repeatedly telling her that it won't always be this hard, that God has special things for her future and has her here for a specific purpose (I will never stop telling her that, I believe it with all my heart for both my girls), helping her to put her mind on different things when life seems to hard and all she can see is the overload, holding her when she was so broken.  We walked through a super dark summer...one of the darkest of my lives.  But by the grace of God, we are on the other side of that particular chapter and she is learning through experience that life is a journey and process and set of trial and error...and that change isn't always as hard as our anxiety makes it look like it will be.

I have sooooo very much to be thankful for.

And in the good, the bad, and all the in between...GOD IS STILL GOOD.  He is still faithful...and He is always there!  So I always have much to be thankful for.

And boy am I thankful for my super girls!

Finding peace in the midst of it all

We are working hard to get back into routine. And to steal moments that are just ours. Seeking balance and ways to cope despite the hard that comes with special challenges. 

While she didn't want to get the church routine back, today's meltdowns were much shorter than yesterday's 4-5 hour one, and she quickly realized I was done budging on this one. We had to have help getting her into youth, but reports were she did great once she was in there. (And we've done the have to have help to get in the door thing lots!)

I participated in a different small group...and they were starting a study on the fruit of the spirit...we were digging into our bibles and I loved the digging. 

Then we worshipped surrounded my friends...which I had missed. 

Lunch was a simple affair and then both girls did separate things...which toad thrives on. She watched tv and finished a book and banana worked on a rainbow loom order for her dad (which is one of her calming things). 

We ended the day with a trip to one of our favorite places (outside of my parents') Watkins Mill. Banana fished for a bit, but couldn't get any of the fish that kept stealing her hot dog pieces and then they swam at the beach til almost closing time. 

I cannot express in words how badly we were needing a low key, "normal" day. They have been rare lately. But boy am I thankful for one!!!

Can you overdose on Thankfuls?

I am thankful for a camera that gets pictures like this!

My posts have been a bit on the downer side lately, because I am struggling at the moment.  But I know how to bounce back...and that is by thinking more about the things I have to be thankful for, rather than the hard things or hurtful things or confusing things that are being said to me.
So...I am going to flood myself with thankfuls...and we'll see if you can overdose on thankful thinking.

This morning, I am super thankful for our school district.  I am thankful that they seem to go the extra mile to make sure that their students can thrive and that we have had nothing but helpful people as we try to get Banana ready for middle school.  I am thankful that we can have her in that school building as often as we need over these two weeks before school so that she KNOWS the building and has more confidence starting.  I am thankful that she is beginning to realize, again, that there is a lot of support for her and people that are rooting for her and wanting her to thrive.

I am also thankful for my oldest daughter, Toad.  She is most of the time the most patient little thing I have ever known.  She may have a super quick temper, but she is also super intuitive to people's moods and has that want-to-be-helpful tendency like her momma.  I am thankful that God gave me opposites for children, and that He blessed me with both of them.  Because I honestly would NOT want to do this life without them.  I am also super thankful that she is willing to show her sister the ropes, indulge us while we make a billion trips to school during the summer, and that she loves when I sneak her some alone time.  I am thankful that both my girls love to read, because I do, too.

Beyond those...I am thankful for my parents and adopted parents (in Tennessee) and that they spend so much time talking things through with me.  Especially on weeks where my whole life feels like it was thrown for a loop again.  Being a single mom can utterly suck at times, and it is so appreciated that they are willing to let me almost even yell in frustration and not let their feelings get hurt by my inability to hold things in sometimes...knowing that I am not yelling in frustration AT them, but over the situation.  I am thankful for their wisdom and that they are so willing to share that wisdom with me.

I am also thankful that after a week of hours upon hours upon hours of computer time, and photographing bags, and editing pictures, and crashing internet/slow internet, that there is an end in sight to getting the etsy shop fully loaded and that when that is done, the on-order fabric should be here and I should have time to sew again.  I am also thankful for a new direction to take some of the bags, that would help me be a little more affordable and portable for outdoor shows...and that my cellphone wristlets have had such a good response.  It's fun when its a pattern you created yourself and it gets a great response!

I am also thankful for summer hours and the ability to sleep in later, which lets me stay up later at night!  I am a night owl, but that's difficult during the school year.  We love the sleep in times for summer.

I am thankful that we were able to visit my parents' and their peaceful acres more often this summer than we have been able to do since moving to KC.

I am thankful that God knows our situation and exactly how He is going to provide for us to be able to keep going.

I choose to be thankful, but honestly...there is lots to be thankful for if I will just allow myself to see it.