Indulging a love of learning...

So, it didn't take me very long after finishing up homework at the beginning of November to yearn to learn.  I have always enjoyed learning new things.  It really didn't surprise me that I found myself at the library the week before Thanksgiving scouring the non-fiction section to find some good Christian books to satisfy that hunger.  Anyways, I devoured the first book in short time, scribbling notes as I went.  Then yesterday morning, I started another one.  I can't really even explain why I picked this one up, but it jumped out at me, and I felt like I needed to read it.  Technically its geared for men, but two paragraphs really jumped out at me yesterday and seem to have a lot of merit for males or females.  Hit home for me, anyways.  The current book is He-Motions by T.D. Jakes.  Here is what jumped out at me...

People who fulfill their calling exude an enjoyment and connection to their gifts that transcends the recognition, fame, and fortune they may receive for performing or expressing their talents.  Most have simply discovered the secret of finding a way to get paid for doing what they love.  Money never replaces purpose.  When a man has found that thing which he would do for free, simply for the fulfillment of doing it, he has found his calling.  I believe that realizing all you are capable of doing and then pursuing it is what we as human beings are called to do.  Since we are created in the image of our own Creator, we have a built-in drive to create ourselves.  This doesn't mean that you necessarily have to have an artistic or creative temperament to find your purpose.  But I would venture that every man who is aware of his calling is in the process of giving birth.  It may seem obvious that those who are song-writers and artists, poets and actors are birthing their dreams.  But so are any one of us who discovers who he is and answers the calling God places on his life through his unique gifts.  pp. 42-43

For I believe the real loser is the man who never attempts to fly with the wings that he's been given, the man who never dares chisel the marble and release the beauty he sees within, the man who never launches the ship he's spent his whole life building upon the beautiful and tempestuous seas.  The only real loser in life is the man who never risks challenging his mind and committing himself wholeheartedly to the endeavors for which he was made.  p. 71

Reading books like this really challenge me, get me excited about growing, learning, moving forward.  I want to grow.  I don't want to not find and reach my potential.  I long to reach out to those around me and help them to move forward as well.
I have experienced the sheer joy that comes from doing something you were created to do.  And just barely touched the tip of what I know God has for me.  There is so much out the for us.  So much more that what we are doing right now, that taps into what God meant for us to be doing.  And when we can find and tap into that...life is never the same again.  It's more full, rewarding, and meaningful.
I don't know a single person that wants to live a mundane existence.  We are all searching for meaning and fulfillment in life.  Growing and learning and changing for the better, with introspection to discover what we enjoy most, and what brings fulfillment...yeah, that's the good stuff.

Following...and overwhelmed with a joyful heart

Specific (not random) Act of Kindness

Have you ever gotten an idea from God, and had to get out of bed to go jot it down so that you could make sure you didn't forget it...because it was one of those ideas that just blows you out of the water with its possibilities?  That was me last night!  I asked Him to help me remember it, but just couldn't fall asleep so ran out to write it down.
The idea is to touch a life of someone around you... maybe someone who is going through a tough spot, or could just use some encouragement, or has even someone that hurt you (and this is a way that you could kind of love on them despite the pain) ... whatever the reason!  The way to do it... not a random act of kindness, because you are purposefully picking them and then hand-picking a store that would greatest bless that person and getting a gift card (of any amount) to give to that person.  And then, to give it to them in any way possible ... in a Christmas card, in person, slid under their front door, whatever. 
The motivation behind this... the true meaning of Christmas, and giving back to those around you, touching a life in a way that you would never imagine.
How come this gives me goosebumps thinking about its possibilities?  Because three years ago, a woman's bible study group pooled their money together, and surprised me with a Walmart gift card, at Christmas time, when all my emotions were so raw and my separation was still super fresh.  It allowed me to keep things as close to similar for Christmas for my girls as I could considering the circumstances.  And it made me cry because it reminded me that not only was God there and providing, but people were willing to put action behind their love and care for the girls and I.  I only knew one of the gals from the entire group, but their actions will never be forgotten.  Words don't express how this still warms my heart, and fills me with joy and gratitude.
So, today, I saw the note I had jotted down.  I went to facebook and made the above (link) event page, which is open to the public.  Please feel free to join us in reaching out to those around you, choosing someone's life to bless in this manner, and then share either a picture of the gift card, or a small story about your experience with this. And feel free to share the idea with those around you, in your circle.  Let's remind the world that people are still good at heart despite hard times!
 I would love for this to become contagious, and for God to do whatever He wants to with it... and for all of us to remember that even the littlest things can change someone's life/attitude.  He gave so very much to us!!!  And we can give to others...in this way which can seem so little but mean so much.
Oh, and the part that has already warmed me all the way to my toes...the event page has been up for a just a few hours (and extends out to Christmas day)... and already the response has surprised me in such a good way.  I love when God asks something of us that is so easy to follow through on, but can have such a BIG impact on our personal worlds!  I don't know why it always surprises me so much, but oh boy do I love when God moves and does big things!

Ouch! and wow!

I just seem to have a knack for hurting myself this year.  I have lost track of how many times I have had to go to the ER.  It seems ridiculous.  But I got to thinking last night, I have been sewing since I was 14 years old.  For more hours then I could ever add up.  Especially in the last four years.  Some weeks I probably clocked overtime hours (compared to someone with a real job...so around 50) sewing.  So the fact that I have only done the above illustration twice in that whole time, is actually pretty amazing. And yesterday's was the first time it required a trip to the ER to get it removed.  I have noticed that there are some lingering effects from the last concussion that probably should have meant I was not sewing free-motion tiny circles.
There isn't even a cool story to go with this picture.  I wasn't even trying to sew at the time.  I was moving the quilt around so that I could start working the next spot over, and my foot must have been hovering over the pedal and dropped down or something.  One stitch was all it took.  The commercial grade motor sent the needle through my thumb before it even registered that my foot hit the pedal.  And I just sat there pretty much looking at my hand in the same position its in in the photo, trying to figure out what I was looking at.  Then I laid my head down on the other arm, and bawled like a baby after calling two friends for help.  The pain and pressure was a bit insane.  Then, like any photographer would, I went into the other room, took pictures until the camera figured out what I was trying to focus on, and then uploaded it to facebook.  Doing that kept me from going into shock and allowed time for my friend to get there to drive me to the ER.
Even tho it was tiny, it attracted attention everywhere I went.  And once I was in my little bed area, the fireman at the other end of the ER from me just kept peeking out from his curtain and staring at my hand.  Guess it was more entertaining then his buddy that was getting his head bandaged?
Ends up, the reason the broken tip part (on the fleshy side of my thumb) was stuck so tight to my skin was that the thread was holding it super taut.  My thumb began to swell around it as we waited for the numbing shots to work.  And she started to pull it off, and couldn't, which is when she realized it was the thread forcing it to stay in position like that.  She ended up having to cut the thread as close to the nail as she could, so that she could pull the rest of it through the hole and out the other side.  And even with the numbing, that was easily felt.  Ouch.  It hurt worse to do that then to pull the embedded part of the needle out of my fingernail.  But oh so thankful that it did not hit bone.
The "funniest" part is that it is that when I did the almost same thing my senior year of high school, it was the finger right next to this thumb.  The not funny part is that in cold weather that fingers still sends shoots of pain down the whole arm.  Now there are two of them for that kind of reaction to cold.  The other not so funny part is that I am now fully aware of the power that my machine has...and a bit scared of it...but have projects waiting on me that need worked on.  The crazy headache, aching shoulder from the tetanus shot, and sheer exhaustion from all of yesterday's excitement (my stove was basically condemned yesterday, and a scary issue with the dryer vent was discovered and cleaned up also) are today's reality.
But even in the midst of all of this, God is shining through.  Last night in my quiet time, He told me to fall asleep knowing that He was holding me.  It was the quickest I ever fell asleep.  Today, a friend from church called with the news that they want to replace my back deck for me and help to make this house safe enough for us to be able to stay in, which blew me away!  (H fell down the stairs on Sat and took a 2x3 chunk out of her back...she misstepped on the broken step (which is second from the top) and slid the rest of the way down.  I know that God cares about every single one of us, but for him to put this on someone's heart, in order for us to not have to find somewhere else to go (because we just can't afford anywhere else) is amazing to me.  In my lifetime, I have seen God arrange so much for me, that maybe I should be used to His provision, but I am so grateful that I don't take it for granted and that it always blesses my socks off.
It's the time of year that the girls are itching to decorate for Christmas, and when I sat down to sew yesterday I was so preoccupied with how in the world I was going to do anything about our situation and whether or not we would even have time or a place to decorate for Christmas was definitely sidetracking me from being aware of where my foot was.
My landlord is a guy who is just trying to make it himself.  He doesn't have any spare money laying around.  And the house is beginning to show its age.  When I called him to ask if it was okay with him that the deck would be getting replaced and how it was all coming about, I swear the man almost cried with gratitude.  He just couldn't imagine that anyone would be willing to do something like this.  So, it didn't just touch me in a big way, it also touched my landlord. 
And I love the timing of all of this!  You see, this is the time of year when we should be reaching out to others and showing God's love even more than we try to the rest of the year.  To show the real reason for the season, by reaching out and being His hands and feet, letting the world know that God is still very alive, very real, and very much working in this world!  What a blessing to receive as we go into the holiday season.  And what a blessing to not have to try to move right now.
My heart is overflowing with thankfulness right now. 
Thank You, God, for using us to reach out to those around us.  Help us to have eyes to see the need, hands and feet to go into action to meet the needs you show us, and lives that reflect you all along the way!

Today is the day!

Today is a big day for so many reasons.  Top two:  it's the day that Ashford U considers me to be finished with my bachelor's degree, and the last day of the time I set aside to date only God.
While I am excited to have no more homework to do, and love that I have reached that goal of finishing up something started so long ago, I am actually in awe and almost moved speechless by what God has done in and around me in the time He asked of me.
I started this journey on June 5th, 2011 after having built up a renewed friendship with a college buddy of mine that disappeared never to be heard from (by me) again.  I knew that I was not healed enough to be attempting a relationship and needed to change my way of thinking.  So at church on that June day, in my singles' group, I felt like God asked me if I would give HIM the next 365 days.  I would love to say there was no hesitation on my part, but that is a huge commitment and while I knew that I needed that time with Him, it was a bit daunting.  But I came home, journaled it all out to Him, and made the commitment.  For the next 365 days, from that point, my focus was going to be Him, the girls, and homework...everything else was bonus and not focus.
During that time, a lot of life happened.  Which repeatedly threw me right back into His arms where I needed to be.  I learned how to journal to Him and listen to Him journal right back to me.  Which changed my life forever.  I learned how to better listen when people call me out on stuff, and then to go verify it with Him and see what parts He wanted me to learn from it.  I learned that choosing happiness is within my ability, although it is definitely not always easy.  I have been learning how to be a true friend and to have friendships that I hold very dear, and He is helping me to learn that not everyone walks away.  He provided me with two amazing friends who have blessed my life beyond belief.  He also provided me with two moms, and an accountability partner who together have teamed up with me to keep me growing and moving forward, and call me on my junk so that I don't get stuck on me.  And sprinkled my life with friends across the state, and the nation that speak belief and encouragement into my life on a daily basis.  I have walked through trials no one ever wants to experience, and He has shown me how strong He is.  And I have been able to let go of so much hurt, to forgive things I never dreamed I would be asked to forgive, to dwell on thankfuls and encourage others to do the same, and to know how treasured I am in His eyes.
Somewhere among the time, He asked me to extend it out...so June came and went, I celebrated my one year anniversary with God (we did some on the months, too, but not as regular as I should have) and the set aside time did not end, nor did the need to focus on Him, the girls, and homework.  The time was extended to today...Nov 5th, 2012. And the last 14 days of this time had a further challenge.  He asked me to stop holding on to every single little thing.  To release it and give it all to Him, and to watch what He would do with it.  These days were hard, and I had to step back from pretty much all communication that I was so much enjoying, letting Him have time to work in my life with less distractions, and to truly trust Him with even the tiniest details.  It was a really hard challenge, and one that made me look at everything in life in a different way.  I  was asked to work on maintaining a positive attitude even when the challenge was the most hard, and I did not succeed fully in doing that.  A lot of the routine and extras the girls and I had come to really enjoy, did not exist in those weeks, but it made us so much more appreciative of the time we did have with our loved ones.  And it truly opened my eyes to things I had maybe started to let get in the way a little.  And it WAS challenging!
I am nowhere near where I want to be.  But I am so thankful that I am further in the journey then I was June 5th, 2011.  God has been doing some amazing things in my life, that I would have missed out on if I hadn't been clinging to Him, and open to growing.  I have no idea what He might have for the rest of my journey, but I know without a doubt that He will always be by my side, and that I will love walking this out with Him.  My future, every single tiny part of it is in His hands.  He is free to do whatever He wants to with my life.  It's all His.

It's just about done...

(this was the view on the way home from graduation...when the sun finally came out)

I know I promised a blog post about the whole graduation road trip/experience.  But while I was overwhelmed by the support I received from my daughters, parents, and best friend, I was underwhelmed by graduation as a whole.  It was rainy and grey the whole weekend, and H struggled with separation anxiety because she could see me but not have me, and the 6 hour trip on both ends of 24 hours of jam-packed activity was a struggle.  I dealt with some crazy headaches throughout. 

The highlight of the trip showed the crazy range of emotions felt.  It was finally my row's turn to go up.  And I am standing in line waiting for my turn.  Excited that its happening, but feeling a bit disconnected from the whole thing.  I get right in front of the section my group is sitting in, and the professors are right there at the bottom.  Because of the online format of my college, I don't know what my professors look like, or if any of the ones sitting there were mine or not, and they also didn't know me.  But at that moment, H decides to reach out for me again, and I reached back.  This shared moment touched the professors and they asked if my child was up there, and how old.  I answered that she is 10, and they all looked over their shoulders to see her.  When they looked back, I was not the only one with tears in my eyes...and as I type this they are there again.  I continued on to get my picture taken, walk on stage, shake the college president's hand and receive my diploma cover, and walk down from the stage, and sit again.

But those two little gals of mine...who have had so much less of their mom as I struggled to give my best efforts to all this school work, crammed in such a short amount of time...that's what it is all about.  It's not really important to me that I graduated top of my class and was awarded summa cum laude...although I have been told repeatedly that that is an amazing accomplishment...it is, but my girls are so much more important.  They are the drive that kept me going.  

You see, I don't want to be a statistic, nor do I want them to be.  In this last class...social welfare and justice, it has been repeatedly shared the struggles of single mom families, and how the poorness that they face effects every aspect of their children from self-esteem issues, to the ridicule they get from others, to the lack of opportunities, etc.  I want more for my girls and I then to just be another single mom family trying to make it.  And I want to be able to give back to  my community.

I went to school because deep inside me is a HUGE desire to help those who face similar situations.  I would love to work with teen mothers, and with those who are wanting to give children a forever home and a chance to reach their potential.  But more than that, I want to be able to provide my girls with the nurturing environment that helps them to meet their own potential, and to thrive no matter what this life throws at them.

This week, I have been doing my last homework assignments.  With the completion of each one, I am facing a crazy amount of mixed emotions, and it is finally sinking in that I am almost finished.  All that stands between me and actually holding my real diploma is one final paper (and six weeks of wait time).  And for this class, I have truly fought hard for my grade...so not only will it be a huge accomplishment to finish the degree itself, it will be huge to finish this class with a high grade because it didn't look like it was possible during week 2.  I finished up my last four discussion post replies, and found myself battling tears as I realized it was my last chance to spread a little encouragement to these fellow students as they continue on their own journey towards their degrees.  

And a bit of overwhelmedness at the fact that this will change up EVERYTHING once again.  After this paper is turned in, school is done, homework is finished, and life comes off of hold.  It kind of feels like moving out of my parents house all over again...the amount of "freedom" seems ridiculous.  

And yet in it all, there is peace and hopeful expectation to see what God is going to do next, what step He will ask me to take next, what He wants to do with this next leg of the journey.

So, right now, I am excited and tearful all at the same time...and I say "Take my life, Lord, all of it, and use it for Your plans and Your glory!"  And my heart was just reminded that He delights in me and is loving writing my life story, and that I am loved.  (and now the tears flow yet again!  God is GOOD!)