Gone missing...

SO, I haven't kept up with blogging lately for three reasons: 1) I am in my capstone class, wrapping up my entire psychology program (nuff said); 2) the girls are out of school for the summer (but again, I am NOT); and 3) my life has become even busier trying to keep up with these guys!
In the last seven days, I have taken some 3600 pictures of the KC Cowtown Butchers.  And finally have a favorite picture of all time, so far.  Air time by one of our guys!
Why do I allow roller derby to take up so much of my time?  Yes, I have been asked that alot lately.
And here is my question:  Have you been part of a dynamic team of people lately?
In all of our psychology classes, teamwork and associating yourself with a group of people that you share common interests with, common goals, whatever, is talked about frequently.  There are crazy good benefits for being a part of a team.
My team, is this conglomeration of people that you wouldn't think would work well together.  In derby, you literally have people from all walks of life.  There is no judgment for what you do outside of derby practice, scrimmages, and bouts.  But during participation, you better be respectful, appreciative, a good team player, etc, etc, etc...because otherwise you will get called out on it.  It is a great example of  "all for one, and one for all".  Teammates literally cheer each other on to reach for that next goal, to stretch towards potential, to keep putting your best foot forward, to push past what you think you can do, and to be the best that you can be.  When a teammate needs help, there are no questions asked, everyone just jumps in and helps.  Teasing and camaraderie are constants.  There is a sense of belonging, and communication and cooperation between leagues like nothing I have ever seen before.  And the appreciation is amazing.  Never before have my efforts seen so much gratitude...even when I am frustrated that its "not good enough".  These guys have become my guys...and I want to capture their shining moments for them.
My youngest commented last night that when I am taking pictures of these guys in action, everything else just disappears (and time flies!).  For example, my knee was acting up like CRAZY last night, but as soon as the camera was in my hands, and the action started, I zoned out.  I can literally lose hours looking at and uploading pictures for these guys.  And realizing how many pictures I have taken over the last seven days blows me away!
Those of you that know any of my story realize that this is very different for me.  I am hanging out, multiple times a week, with a group of guys.  And not afraid or worried that something is going to happen.  A true testament to how far God has brought me in this healing process, and the whole idea of team again.  There isn't anyone out there that should be stupid enough to mess with me now...because I know that any one of the guys on this team would have my back in a heartbeat.  In fact, they might just go after someone as the team...so, we'll just hope it never comes to that! :)  It is huge for me to be able to be comfortable around a group of guys, and to associate myself with them is nothing short of a miracle.  But I love these guys, and consider it a true privilege to be their photographer.
These guys all have day jobs, play their own part in the corporate world, or retail, or sales, or whatever.  They remind me of Clark Kent a lot.  Super heroes in their own rights.  One persona during the work week, and another on the skating rink.  They give up their own personal time, and money, in order to practice and play as a team. Travel expenses for away bouts come out of their own pocket.  They have to pay to practice, to have their home bouts at the skating rink, and to keep their gear in good shape.  It is not cheap to do what they are doing.  But they do it for the love of the team and the sport itself.  And it shows when they are together.
They have bounced back from some hard knocks recently, and are learning how to go with the flow and pick their battles.  Their resilience is amazing to watch, as is their dedication and loyalty to each other.  They willingly go and skate with other leagues, to help them have a full roster, and then turn around and skate their own bouts.  And it truly is a great example after example after example of doing whatever it takes to keep their team together and skating. 
I have only been working with them since March...only aware that roller derby still existed since then.  And I so quickly fell in love with it.  Head over heals.  I have been part of many groups before, at church and just as part of life.  But none of them have been as unconditionally accepting as this team.  No other group went so far out of their way to be appreciative and supportive and encouraging.  I want to better my photography skills and equipment for these guys...its a strong desire to keep improving myself as they work so hard to improve their own skills.  When I capture a moment like the one in the picture...it fills me with joy and I can't wait to share it with them.  On Facebook, when a picture is used as a profile picture, or on the top of their wall, or when they leave an excited comment on the picture, it makes this all more than worth it!!!
Every one wants to feel as if they belong.  Every one wants to feel accepted.  To have a purpose in life.  To be appreciated.  Being part of a team can help to provide those things...although not every team you might participate does this well.
I think there is a lot that we can glean from the "derby world".  To look past the things in others that are different, or done different, or that you personally don't agree with...and see the person (instead of the action) and actively work together on a project (or life).  Don't nitpick everything about someone, or judge based on first impressions.  That's a good way to miss out on some amazing friendship possibilities.  Volunteer your time for causes/sports/stuff that you believe in.  Be quick to work with others that are doing the same thing.  Just because they aren't part of your specific organization does not mean what they are doing doesn't have merit and value.  Lift others up around you, encourage them, cheer them on, help them to reach their potential and learn new skills.  Be appreciative...sometimes that can make a person's day and touch a heart in ways that have humongous ripple effects.  Be courteous, polite, and cooperative.  If you screw up, have a bad day and take it out on someone else, or whatever...take the time to apologize and clean the slate.  Oh, and one more, we have got to become better at seeing a need and helping to meet it...I have seen this over and over just this week among my derby peeps...and wish to see it more often in the world around me.
(stepping down off soapbox now)
There is a lot to be said for being part of a great team.  And I am so glad that I have the honor of being a part of the Cowtown Butchers!

Can I have a do-over?

Tonight I haven't even attempted to try to go to sleep yet.  (well, technically
it is the wee hours of the morning...)
It was a fairly typical Thursday for us.  I worked on homework a good chunk of the day, and we ended the day with skating and taking pictures at practice.
In the middle, I had the opportunity to go over to my best friend's house and check on his dog.  Ashley.  She hadn't been feeling good the last three days and so we made up some rice and chicken and took it over to her to see if we could coax her into eating.  It didn't work, and she looked so sad, and had no energy, so we just sat in the backyard with her.  She let us love on her and just laid there...barely moving.  The look in her eyes was hard on a mommy heart.  When it was time for the girls and I to go, we couldn't get her to go back inside, but she did let us attach the tether to her collar.  She didn't even bark or try to go with us.
At practice, my best friend didn't show up.  I knew something was wrong.  Here is where the desire to have a do-over comes into play.  Knowing what I know now, there are several things I would have done differently today:  I wouldn't have left her; I would have stayed there with her until he got home.  Or maybe I should have just taken her to the vet myself...we had plenty of time today to do that.  Even if I hadn't done either of those two things, I wish I would have left practice when I felt like something was wrong and gone to my best friend's house to see what was going on... I know him, he doesn't normally turn his phone off.  Instead, I come home from practice and read on facebook that while I was skating with my daughter and the team, Ashley died.  I didn't have my phone on me, so I wasn't even available for my other best friend when she found out.  I don't even know what the vet said was wrong. 
If there is anything that I have learned over the last few years, it is that I can't sit there and beat myself up over the past...and I have to set a time limit on how long I am going to dwell on things.  Do I wish things had turned out differently today...YOU BET I DO!  But I can't change a single thing.  Nada.  Does that make it easier, or the emotional toll go away...no.  Does it stop the guilty feelings of you-should-have-been-there?  No.  But reality is, the day is already over.  So what have I learned to do?  Find the things that I can be thankful for, and keep moving forward.
So what in the world can I be thankful for?  I am soooooo thankful that I made the time to go and be with her for awhile in her backyard this afternoon.  I am glad that I took a picture of her while I was there.  I am so glad the girls and I took the time to show her affection, talk to her, and rub her ears.  I have fond memories of time spent with her, dancing with her, walking with her, and watching her jump on the trampoline with my daughter, friend, and his daughter.  She has been in my home, snuggled with me on my bed, sprawled out on my couch trying to see out the front window, and showered me with kisses.
What else can I do when my heart is breaking for my best friend, and I don't even know how he is handling this?  Pray.  Leave it all in God's hands.  Be there when he is ready to talk or just hang out.  Pour my heart out in my journal and share it with y'all.  Be available.
When satan can sidetrack us, and keep us in continual upheaval, he gets in the way of us seeing what God is doing around us, getting our focus off of God.  That gives him way too much power.  And I don't want him to have any power.  So, I put it in God's hands, asking Him to work His perfect will in all of this.  Thanking Him for being with my best friend, even when I can't be.  And then I rest in Him, knowing that He is still in control...no matter what!

Accountability

I found myself incredibly stressed out and emotional last week.
So, two gals that love me more then I often remember talked with me and reminded me of this big word that I often have overlooked in my life...accountability.
You see, these two love me so much that they want to come along side me...in all the ups and downs of this roller coaster we ride on called life.
The good, the bad, the ugly.
To rejoice with me in good times, cry with me through sad times, call me on my ugly attitude times, and hold me up during bad times. 
But most of all, they just want to be real with me and help me to reach my God-given potential.
Which means helping me to stay on track and not get side-tracked.
Especially by what ifs.
They got on to me for the lack of phone calls/texts on their phones...and the fact that I allowed myself get to the point of wanting to run away before asking for help.
They listened to me, gave me some great advice, and helped me to remember to stay in today, and not stuck in failures of yesterdays.
And then, I took them at their word. 
Which meant a text sent at 11:45 Saturday night.
Another one sent last night right before my quiet time.
And an hour long phone call today.
Because I am serious about this walk I have with God.
I am serious about the commitment I made to him, past the original 365 days.
I am serious about wanting to graduate on time and finish these last four classes (20 weeks) well.
I am serious about not wanting to hurt the people around me (including my girls)
I am serious about wanting to grow, reach my potential, and NOT get stuck.
and you know what I found out in the meantime.
They are serious about wanting to come alongside me and keep me on track.
And I love them for it.
I also love that God delights so much in me that He put these two women into my life.
Hopefully, I can have as much of a motivating factor in their lives, and give back, as much as they have/are in mine!
Today, I am thankful for accountability partners, and a God who never gives up on me!

Wake up call

Ever woke up from a dream that just disgusted you?
And then felt convicted about something to the point that you had to immediately get out of bed and go fix the situation?
But then, as soon as you take the step of obedience, you know you did the right thing?
That was the way my day started.
And it kept going in a direction that ultimately overwhelmed me and left me crying on my best friend's shoulder.
But then, God provided another house for me to take pics of, getting me just a little closer to the camera I am saving for.
And then a friend texted that prayer had been answered.
And then some MUCH needed girl time, where we could just open up and be real and challenge each other to take action in the right directions.
I didn't even know how very much I needed that time.  But oh boy did I.
And then, after a little more drama (the hot water refuses to run more than a trickle in the bath tub right now, although it is just fine everywhere else in the house, causing a meltdown from youngest daughter until she discovered how much fun it was to get bucketfuls of fairly warm water poured in every so often during her bath), I was able to spend some much needed time in the books of John and Proverbs...my current reading spots.  And then journaling.
God reminded me that there is not a single detail of my life that has come as a surprise to Him.  He is already aware of every teensy tiny detail that will ever be a part of this life.  And He is already moving and working in the ways that He knows are best for me.
This seems huge to me, and I am not entirely sure why.  I find a lot of comfort knowing that absolutely nothing sneaks up on Him!  Nothing!
Its funny how you know something, but it doesn't SINK in until right when you most need it.  I guess this is just another of those moments for me.  And I will take it.  I love light bulb moments!
There is so very much of this life of mine that is unknown.  Maybe that's why it is so big to me.  I don't have a clue what my tomorrows bring.  I don't know how all of this will work out or what I will be doing a year from now.  All I know is that He has asked me to live in the today, and leave all the tomorrows up to Him.  That He is more than willing to author my life, down to the tiniest detail.  That He delights in me and in working things out for me. 
It doesn't get much better than that!
In chapter 37 of Psalm, where I was reading tonight, there are a list of things that it shares to do, and some it shares not to do: do not fret, be not envious, trust in Him, do good, cultivate faithfulness, delight in Him, commit my way to Him, trust (and He will do it), rest in Him, wait for Him, do not fret, cease from anger, forsake wrath, do not fret, wait for Him, depart from evil, do good, abide, speak justice, wait for Him, keep His way, take refuge in Him.
Too often, I will say that I just don't know what I am supposed to do.  But that truly is a cop-out.  He has given me a short list of what is supposed to be my priorities for the "today"...everything else is extra.  And then, He has graciously supplied chapters like the one from Psalm that clearly pinpoint actions that I can put into my day.
No excuses!  Just do it!

Just one of those days...

(My guys give me lots of great pics to illustrate things with!)

Ever had one of those days where it just seemed as if you couldn't do anything...couldn't move forward no matter how hard you were trying...just kept revving your tires without moving...or felt like you were being ganged up on and couldn't move.

I have had days like that, we all have.  I have also seen others have days like that...and observed every range of ways of dealing with it.  Most of my experience however has been watching people pout, scream, cuss, throw things, rail at God wondering why them.

Today, I experienced something different, and I just have to brag on my best friend a bit.  It was such a neat thing to see the opposite end of the spectrum.  And to be able to be available to help when needed.

The afternoon went something like this:

...phone call asking for favor...on side of the road with flat tire, needing directions on how to go get chairs that were supposed to have already been picked up...but due to communication error and a lost email, no clue.

...I look up the address, print off the map, go to the spot where the truck with the flat tire is sitting.  No friend.

...phone call...

...the tire is of course under the truck and the bolt is too corroded to allow it to be let down.

...friend is on plan c, or d...at friend's house with borrowed truck hooking it up to borrowed trailer.

...I go there.

...while trying to hitch trailer to truck, the jack slips...only time I heard a negative word all afternoon.  One.

...pull out of drive, follow truck and trailer, park my vehicle and head out with friend to another city to get chairs.

...at least three phone calls in a twenty minute drive, of stressed out people wondering how far out we were.

...we get there...relieve the other friend who was waiting for us to get there, load up the chairs, thank the people for staying late (who by the way didn't seem upset at all either), and leave

...decide we are hungry and stop to grab a bite to eat (love breakfast at dinner time, by the way)

...more phone calls/texts...people relieved now and a little less stressed sounding.

...head back to our city...

...unhitch trailer, drop borrowed truck off, go out to flat-tire truck.

...bolt is too corroded to turn...at all.  Was there a fit thrown, was this the straw that broke the camels back?  Nope.  Watched as a saw was calmly taken out of the tool box, and the corroded piece cut off.

...tire changed...tools put away...time to go home.

...or not...batteries dead.  Surely now tempers will be lost...after all its 9 o'clock, what should have taken maybe two hours total was now running on five, sneaking up on six... plans had to be canceled, we are tired, hot, sweaty...but, no...just digs the jumper cables back out of the tool box, swings my van around, starts the  truck.

I know this friend pretty well.  He is one of my best friends.  I know how even-tempered he is, and how well he goes with the flow.  But this was bam, bam, bam, on top of each other.  Nothing working the way it was supposed to...other people giving him a hard time...missing out on the activities he wanted to be doing with his Friday night.  But did he complain?  Not really...other than commenting that it had been one of those days...and saying that he needed nothing else to go wrong.  Is he perfect?  No, not saying that at all.  But I am proud of the way he handled himself.

Why do I share all this?  Not to brag on my friend (okay, maybe a little bit).  But more than that.  Today, God provided me with a blatantly obvious example of the way that He would like me to handle the bumps in the road...and of how He wants His children to handle the bumps in the road.  What I experienced in the past was nothing like that.  Bumps in the road were things that were screamed about, cussed about, and always someone else's fault...normally somehow mine.  If I had only done this, then that wouldn't have happened.  Years of being around that take a toll on a person.  It becomes a lot harder to maintain a positive outlook or to see the good among the bad.  Regardless of what others do around me, God wants me to take the "high road".  To go with the flow.  Without complaining.  Accepting circumstances and seeing what He wants me to learn through them.  He loves me so much He is willing to provide examples for me, to teach me and to show me what to look for in the future.

And there were thankfuls among all the things that kept popping up:

...I had just finished my homework...RIGHT before the phone call.  And the kids were gone, and I was free to help.

...the tire went flat in a residential area, no one was hurt, and the trailer wasn't already attached.

...the buddy had the other truck that could be used and was willing to share and help hook up the trailer.

...the people at the rental place didn't seem upset at all that we didn't get there until we got there.

...the chairs didn't budge on the trailer and all arrived back here safe and sound.

...I even got a Cherry Coke out of the deal (despite the fact that I am trying not to drink caffeine anymore, but have splurged occasionally).

...but most important thankful for this healing woman's heart...I saw a guy who was getting pelted with things that weren't going the way they were "supposed" to, handle it all with a composure like I have never seen illustrated before.  And I think I really needed to see that.  

Big reminder here for me... (sorry this is so long)... things don't always go smoothly.  Sometimes life can be incredibly awkward and overwhelming (it has been a week of uncertainty for me), but that doesn't mean that what God expects of me has changed, or that He has stopped carrying me and providing for me.  He never stopped.  But He HAS allowed times for me to practice what I have been learning.  He is still there no matter how great the uncertainty or how great the awkward.  Always.  Providing me with the grace and composure I need to successfully make it through whatever I am facing.

So, thank you dear friend.  Thank you for allowing God to speak huge to me through the way you handled some trying circumstances, allowing me to come along for the adventure.  And thank you for being such a great example to me of going with the flow.  It means the world to me.

Three hundred and sixty-five

Many of you have been with me on this journey since I decided I wanted to dedicate 365 days to God...without dating anyone.  Some of you have been with me since before, watching me fall on my face after attempting to date, and even before that when I was still married, and facing divorce.  Its been a crazy journey.  Especially this year that I set aside for God to do whatever He wanted with.  It hasn't been the most pleasant or carefree journeys.  There was some crazy growth, stretching, refining that had to go on.  I had to let go of a lot of fears, and just place every single detail in His hands.  He has walked every step with me, carrying me in ways I didn't even realize I needed.  He has built me up in a way I never dreamed possible, day by day.  He has worked hard with me to change the "tape" that plays in my head, filling it with His voice, over the voice that was already there.  He has filled my life with some amazing people who have made the decision to walk life with me, challenge me, speak belief into me, come alongside me, share their own stories, pray with and for me, and just be there.  One friend has been exposed to the very raw-est of me, and at times I expected her to throw her hands up in the air and say it's too much, and walk away...but she keeps reassuring me instead that she won't disappear and that she is loving what she sees God doing in me. (which literally just brought tears to my eyes thinking about the way she willingly walks this with me).  Another friend God brought into my life during this time to show me how to become better at going with the flow, accepting change, without letting it derail me...and also to practice boundaries on, and ultimately for God to use in my life to help me move past my blanket fear of guys.  Yet another friend, He has used repeatedly to challenge me so that I don't get stuck, who has come alongside me with hugs, prayers, and just listening and then calling me on the areas I so needed to work on with helpful steps on how to do that.  Then there is this other friend, that I have only been "living" life with since March, who has become someone that I can talk about the highs, the lows, the in betweens, the doubts, the thankfuls, the happys, the fears, the hopes, and just know that she is praying for me like I am praying for her.  Other friends He has used to show me that I am not alone, that He has some great new experiences out there for me, to cheer me on in this school adventure, to love on my kids with me, to share their own tricks on how to move past things, to just allow me to talk things all out.
It's not easy to be the only adult in the house.  But, I have discovered sometimes life is fuller this way.  I am surrounded by an absolutely fantabulous support team...people that are spread out around the United States, Missouri, and even the world.  Some of the people who encourage me and that God has used as my cheerleaders over this past 365 day adventure, I haven't even physically met.  Some of the circumstances surrounding the way He introduced me to some amazing people were things I would have never dreamed up on my own.  It is amazing to me the lengths that He is willing to go to meet every single little need in my life.
Originally, I was only setting aside one year...knowing that I needed time to heal and form a strong foundation in God that I would use for the rest of my life.  Halfway through He extended it out to November 5th, 2012...which is my last day of school.  Asking me to keep my main focus on Him, the girls, and school, without being sidetracked by trying to start a relationship.  At times, I honestly didn't know if I could even do the year, let alone the extra.  Not that there are any guys knocking down my door, but because I am human and like everyone else want to feel loved.  He has provided that for the love-need above and beyond anything I could have come up with...as you can see from the paragraph about my amazing friends/support team.
The key thing I have learned through all of this...besides the fact that He is more than willing to move heaven and earth to provide for me...is that He will ALWAYS be enough for me.  No matter what.  That He longs for a relationship with me, with two-way conversations, full of reassurances that I so desperately cling to...even more than we humanly long for "the one".  I would not trade this time with Him for anything in the world...nothing.
I love that I can look back at the scared woman that started this journey on June 5th, 2011...who just wanted to be able to hope and dream again without the fear that everyone eventually was going to get tired of her and walk away...and I can see growth, change, and a stronger woman.  I still have a long ways to go.  I am still very much a work in progress...but progress has been made!
I don't have a clue what my future holds...don't even know how to get everything accomplished today that needs to be done.  But, not only do I know WHO holds my future, I know that He is loving the opportunity to have free rein writing my story...that He delights in me and seeing me grow...that He has some great big God-sized plans for my life.  That fills me with hope, peace, and an excitement for life that I have never known.
Thank you!  Thank you for playing a part in this adventure that God has me on.  Thank you for every single way that He has already used you in my life, and every way that He will do so in the future.  Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.  May God bless your socks off!  :)

I will not run away...I will not run away...I will not run away...

Okay...so this weekend marked one year of going to PV's singles group.  In that time period I have made some amazing friends, been challenged by some phenomenal leaders, and had the opportunity to learn some life-changing lessons.  I also have been in some situations that have evoked the flight response...not necessarily because of the group, but during this time that I have been part of this group.  And each time (I think there is a post somewheres last year about my neighborhood stalker, just in case you wanted an example), God has said, "Becky, no running".
I never used to have an active flight response to times that were hard.  I used to be determined to stick it out and do whatever it took to fight for my marriage.  But all that ended anyways, despite my determination, and changed the way I look at everything.  I put up with some stuff in my past...all the way back to early adult years...that my poor little heart is declaring it doesn't want to come anywhere close to.  And sometimes, like I was telling my oldest yesterday when she saw her mom cry, adults have to deal with some hard things...that they have no clue how to deal with or even what to think about.
And times like that...everything that I have learned lately gets called into play.  1.  Run TO God.  2.  Talk things over with trusted friends.  3.  Sometimes, I truly need to say enough is enough, and let my group leaders do their thing...and the love/support that came from it being put in their ballpark was eyeopening.  4.  Don't take responsibility for what is not mine.  5.  Choose to dwell on the positives and the thankfuls...it always makes a humongous difference.  6.  Give myself a time limit to how long I am going to let something bug me...and once that specific time passes, stop.  7.  Sew and talk to God.  8.  Take pictures...or edit sunset pictures, look at pictures of fun memories just made...totally worked.  9.  It's okay to say "I can't do this on my own".  10.  Appreciate it when I am stood up for...amazing feeling, a new one that I can totally be thankful for.  COMBINE all ten when needed.
At one point it looked insurmountable.  But after some very timely reminders, and a lengthy phone call that surprised me with the outpouring of support, understanding, and deeply expressed emotions (which were reciprocated), breaking things down into manageable pieces and setting some clear guidelines for what to do so it didn't get to the same overwhelming level again...it seems absolutely do-able.  Fun, probably not.  But it should keep me from getting stuck...which we all know that I do NOT like.  And it gives me ways to keep learning and growing...which we know I LOVE. 
And remember...God has me right where He wants me to be right now...so running is not an option.  Time to get determined again!