Choosing to be thankful!

There are so many things that I have to be thankful for this weekend.
I am thankful that I...
had the idea to recycle my old favorite jeans into a purse...and it worked the way I imagined
got to go for long walks with my dog
was able to borrow my brother and sister-in-law's vacuum cleaner to remove all the dog's hair from the carpet
got to hang out with my nieces
my brother-in-law and nephew helped me put the trampoline together
was able to go to my favorite Saturday night service
went to my sister-in-law's after church where I was able to watch a movie I had been wanting to see
had so much time to read this weekend...what a blessing.
my sister-in-law's family loves including me in their festivities and love to cook great food
was able to sign my oldest up for PraiseKids this summer at church so she will have a chance to do what she loves
got to go on a dinner-and-a-movie date
had time to clean up my kitchen
got to spend lots of time with friends
got my kids back home safe and sound and get to watch them enjoy their trampoline from my bedroom window
have working air conditioning.

I am blessed!

Recycled purse

Purse made out of my old recycled jeans.

What am I holding too tightly to?

This week it has been hammered in to me that life is short.  Everything I have could disappear in the blink of an eye to the tune of a rushing train.  I didn't lose anything...I am one of the blessed ones to still have a house to live in, possessions around me, and my girls to hold close.  But it sure has made me think.
What, in this life, do I hold tightest to?  Am I clinging to God's promises or am I clinging tightly to my possessions and the new normal of my life?  Am I looking for ways to reach out to others and share this precious truth I know or am I hoarding it to myself?  Do I share with others that no matter what happens, my God is big enough to carry them through as I have seen Him do repeatedly in my own life?  Am I sharing that which I have with others who have lost all that they had?  What am I doing to make a difference?
I don't have a big platform from which to share God with others.  I don't speak in front of thousands of people every year.  My life is often fairly isolated.  But I was wondering today, am I taking advantage of this time to pass my beliefs on to my girls or have I become so self-centered that I am keeping what I am learning to myself? 
I am learning sooooo much.  I am learning how to truly trust God with everything.  That no matter what happens He has a plan for my good (Jer 29:11-14), that He can take even the worst of circumstances and use it for His good (Romans 8:28), that He is always there for me and will never leave me to face this life alone.  He knows what He is doing.  He has a plan.
I don't have to FEEL Him to know that He is with me.  In fact, most times, I can't FEEL a thing.  But through faith, and by reading all the promises written to me years ago and spoken by a God who can not tell a lie...I have hope.  I have a reason to keep getting up each morning.  Each morning is another gift from God so that I can try again...so that we can reach more people for Him...so we can be His physical hands and feet and show others what He looks like.
For some reason, God chose me to be one of His children.  He knew before Adam and Eve ever existed that I would be part of the world from 1977 to only-He-knows-when.  He knew exactly what family He was placing me in and that I would be the second child of six.  He knew that I would have two boyfriends before taking a break from dating and being single for Him.  He knew that I would be a pregnant teenager and that the miscarriage would send me straight into His arms.  He knew that I needed to grow close to Him, away from everything and everyone I knew and how much that time would come in handy later in life.  He knew every person on the Verse-of-the-Day list in college.  He knew each kid I would meet over two summers of camp and the co-counselors that I would come in contact with.   He knew all the churches that I would ever be a part of and how many people I would grow to know and love.  He knew that my marriage was going to be the hardest thing I had ever gone through in my life to that point and that it would have a break in it before the five year mark and that it would come to a screeching halt just before the 10th anniversary.  He knew how much I was going to need the people at Memorial Baptist Church and had me there before I would need them so desperately.  He knew how much I was going to need the promises that He had been giving me over the years as I read His word.  He knew every single person that I would come in contact with or who would read this blog (that I haven't even met yet).  He knew every person that the story of my divorce, and the way I chose to act afterwards and keep my focus on Him and hope in Him, would affect or who all would hear about it.  He knew all the time and events that would lead to healing from the voice that kept running through my head telling me how worthless I was.  He knew exactly when He was going to bring someone new in my life and how that relationship was going to keep me coming to Him and grounded in Him.  He knew and still knows every stinking little detail about me and holds every tear that I have ever cried in the palm of His hands.
And guess what!  He knows you that well too!  He has known you since before you were born.  He knows exactly what family He placed you in and what events in life have brought you to today.  He knows exactly when you will come to the place that you need Him more than life itself and how your story can reach others for Him.  That's what life is all about.  Finding a relationship with Him that is more valuable than breath itself...and then sharing that with all those around you.  And that's what we can and should hold tightly to...God Himself who is worthy of all our love and adoration...who will never fail us as we cling to Him.

Romans 8:28 ?

I am currently reading a book called The Promise: How God Works All Things Together For Good by Robert J. Morgan.  The entire book talks about Romans 8: 28 which says We know all things work together for the good of those who love God; those who are called according to His purpose.  How this promise is our guarantee.  That it can change our attitudes when we are facing hard times b/c we know, going in and through ALL things, that He is going to turn it around and use it for our good.
You already know my story.  You know that I have faced some hard, hard things in my 34 years.  And most of us, by now, have heard and been touched by the devastation in Joplin, MO.  A good chunk of the city is completely demolished.  People lost their loved ones.  Wives and babies, dads, husbands, grandparents, children, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, 89+ people were killed.  One person from the family lived only to come home to a house, wife, and baby that are gone.
How!  How does all things work together for good in a situation like that.  And yet, we are promised!  And God can't go back on His word.  What He said then is still true today.  He cannot lie.  We can hold Him to each and every one of His promises.  We can have hope, even in the middle of the hardest times, that there is something good that will come out of all of this.  We may not see it today, tomorrow, or even a year from now.  We might have to wait until Heaven to see what good may have been accomplished through this.  But it is promised...and He is good for it.
I can already see a small glimmer.  Both in Clevelend, Tenn and in Joplin, MO.  How so many people's hearts were touched and they want to help out.  My daughter was so touched by the idea that people literally lost everything they had in less than 5 minutes, that she is giving up one of her prized green bears.  (and those of you who know us, know that that has never happened before...she has had them since she was one...and one of them goes literally everywhere with us).  People are praying.  Facebook is showing a united front as we rally around people we may never have met but whom we feel deeply for.
My heart is broken for these people who have lost everything.  I think maybe because I have lost so much in the recent past, but my loss was nothing compared to losing every single thing you ever knew.  Mine was so much easier to recover from because at least I still had some possessions that were my own.  In Tennessee, and last night in Joplin, and so many other places right now due to tornadoes and floods, people have lost even their most prized possessions...their family members and their things...photos, everything.  I only temporarily lost my identity, my sense of who I was and what I had wrapped my life around...and it wasn't instantaneous...it was because of a decision.  But I guess because I have felt such loss, it makes my heart just break and overwhelms me with compassion for all these affected.  And it makes me want to be able to do something that can make a difference.
So I am praying.  And hoping that maybe these words and the heart feelings behind them, might cause even just one little tiny spark of hope.
These words have meant so much to me lately, so I will close for today with them...

     "The truth of Romans 8:28 can change the way you think, and it can provide a corresponding shift in your moods, emotions, and outlook.

  It can actually transform your personality and alter your circumstances in life.
  It can turn troubled souls into people of confidence and good cheer.
  It's the secret of resilience and irrepressible joy.

     It's a promise with your name on it.

     It meets the challenges you're facing right now.

     It's the promise.  It's God's guarantee."     

--Robert J. Morgan

In Honor of my Sister

My baby sister gets married tomorrow.  A day she said would never happen.  But that was years ago...when she was still young, before she fell in love.
There is 10 years between my sister and I.  I am the second of six (5 girls, one boy) and she is the youngest.  When she was born, my love of babies was obvious.  I love everything about babies.  And I loved everything about my baby sister.  I didn't mind helping mom with feedings and diaper changes.  And I took pictures of her every chance I got.  There was a point that mom had to remind her that she was the mom, not me.  (Or at least that's a memory I have...I never know if they are real or not...there is a lot that is just missing).  She was my little shadow.
In high school, I had a lot of fun making dresses for her and the sister just older than her.  I would make them matching dresses and then make them stand together so that I could take their pictures.
When I got to the stage that I was dating...18+...one or both of them would tag along on a lot of the dates.  Or we would jump in my car and go find Grandpa, his girlfriend, and his buddies at the food court at Antioch Mall.  Or we would go to the park.  Almost all of my memories...that I can remember or was told...involve my youngest two sisters.
I cannot believe that enough time has passed by that she is old enough to get married.  I have been so emotional all night.  I love my sister and want the best for her.  But I cannot believe that it's going to be someone else's turn to hold her as she cries and wipe the tears away.  That someone else will be the person she tells all her secrets to.  That someone else gets a turn to know every thing about her.  That someone else can love her like I do.
I don't know why that is so hard for me to wrap my brain around.  The years have come and gone and gotten in between us.  I probably don't even know her as well as he does.  That doesn't mean that I love her any less but life and kids and life, just got in the way.  I have been out of my parent's house for 15 years...and obviously she has grown up in that time.  She has been out on her own for the last three or four years, herself.
But so many memories...like the way she idolized my husband.  The way she smiled at my wedding.  The way she came for a week or two to stay with us every summer.  The way she gave up two weeks one summer to help me with my oldest while I was on bedrest for three months with my youngest.  The way she held me when I couldn't do anything but cry the first and second time that my husband took off.  The way she spoiled the girls, sometimes for no reason at all.  The hours we would all spend at the park when the girls and I would visit.  All the walks.  All the shopping trips.  All the phone calls. 
Now its time for her to make a home of her own.  To be a wife.  Maybe a mother.  To make a life with her new husband.  And I truly wish her the best.  I wish a better marriage then I could have ever dreamed of having.  One that would last through all the tests of time and prove itself worthy.  One where she would be the helper that her husband most needs...his best friend.  All the things I once hoped for myself, and all that I hoped married life could be...that's what I wish for my sister.  That she would find her happiness in God and fulfillment in marriage.  This is a bit corny...but I hope that tomorrow begins her happily ever after.
To my little sister...may all your dreams come true!
Love,
Me

Holiday struggle

I think one of the hardest things as a single mom, that I would have never thought about before, is holidays.  Not the big ones like Christmas or Thanksgiving...those I seem to do fine with.  But the smaller ones like Mother's Day.  Days that used to be filled with friends and family and now are my job to fill.
Don't get me wrong...the girls did a great job of surprising me with their hand-made items...this was a "bigger" mother's day then I have had before.  They kicked some butt making me feel important this morning.
But, then at church, I sat by myself.  Once home, I made our lunch.  And this afternoon, they are contentedly playing together downstairs and I was in the living room, by myself, reading a book that normally would have kept my attention.  Today, instead, I am restless and fighting off loneliness.
I know a good chunk of that is just that I am not involved with a church family right now.  I go to church, a large church where I am surrounded by lots and lots of people, where I get fed during the worship and sermon time.  But where I know a single family...who is actively involved, and today was serving in nursery.  And yes, a lot of that is my own fault for not getting involved with a community group (small group) or whatever.
Life right now is SOOOOO different from what I knew before the three hour move.  I was surrounded by a church family who knew what it was like to be Christ's hands and feet.  I was part of a small group who loved on me through my darkest hours...and helped me be able to love on others again.  I had people who went out of their way every Sunday morning to seek me out and ask how I was doing...including the pastor and his wife.  They knew me there.  I lived real life with them.  Here, I babysit Mon, Tues, Wed...and sometimes that is my adult interaction...when she is picked up.  I visit with friends on Facebook.  I sew when I have a special order.  I spend time with my sister-in-law to keep from going insane.  And once or twice a week, I talk to my boyfriend on the phone.  And I am responsible for everything when it comes to the girls...pickup/drop-off from school, meals, snacks, emotional support, making arrangements for them to spend time with their dad, homework, playtime, etc, etc, etc.  I am not complaining...it is what it is.  But it is so different from what we are used to.
For example, we got a trampoline before Easter, when it was on sale.  And if we still lived in JC, it would have been put up that same day most likely.  We had all kinds of people who would have made sure that we were able to use it, who would have been offended if we didn't ask for help to put it together.  (of course, we also wouldn't have had anywhere to put it...but play along a minute).  Here, we know basically just family.  We don't really have a core support system.  And the family, my siblings, are all busy, active people who have more of a life right now then we do.  So, three weeks later, still no set-up trampoline.  And life goes on.
That is probably a key statement...Life goes on...
And sometimes that is the part that stinks.  (And I know others around me struggling with this too...who have lost babies, or are unable to have a baby of their own, but desperately want one and its mother's day again and still no baby)  It feels like it should just pause for a bit to let me get my head on straight again.  But it doesn't pause for any of us.  It just keeps going.  You blink, and the girls are another year older and not needing me quite as much.  There is no break just because you got a divorce or buried another loved one.  And after a certain time...people just expect you to be over it.  But, let me tell you, it has been 16 years since my son went to heaven, and there are times I still miss him.  Its been close to two years since my ex took off for the second time in ten years and there are times when I miss what life was with a husband.  (Not that that was a cake walk by any stretch of the imagination but at least I knew what to expect).
And the funniest part of this whole thing...I wouldn't wish to go through any of it again.  I am actually happier now than I have been for a long time.  I actually have a closer walk with God right now then I have ever known.  And I know without a shadow of a doubt that He has great things in store for the girls and I as we walk this new journey with him.
But, I am human.  And I still am childish enough to have days where all I want to do is pout.  I sometimes forget the good things He is doing during the down times...the times when I am not super busy and have time to think or second-guess myself.  And, this week, I have been trying to let myself grieve whatever it feels that I have lost, because in reality--a divorce is the loss of so many dreams and hopes and plans...set an amount of time that I can process and pout or whatever, and then move on.
So, the time that it took to share this...the struggles of the day and trying to know what to do with these thoughts and feelings, that is the time I gave myself to get out of the pity-party and start being thankful again.
Right now...I am most thankful for my God who is big enough to handle my pouting and not let His feelings be hurt by it.  And who encourages me to keep moving forward with Him.  To keep my hope focused on Him.  Like Pastor Merle said in his sermon this morning..."He restores our hope when we get a view of Him that is not limited.  We often miss the hope we have in Jesus because our view of Jesus is not fully formed.  Our hope is restored when we know the truth of Scripture."
I am gonna work on moving in the direction of truth...of God's calling on my life!  And watch as He fulfills me with Himself.  He is my everything!  I am nothing without Him!

Restoration and Healing

"Then shall your light break forth like the morning, and your healing (your restoration and the power of a new life) shall spring forth speedily; your righteousness (your rightness, your justice, and your right relationship with God) shall go before you [conducting you to peace and prosperity], and the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.  Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and He will say, Here I am.  If you take away from your midst yokes of oppression [wherever you find them], the finger pointed in scorn [toward the oppressed or the godly], and every form of false, harsh, unjust, and wicked speaking.  And if you pour out that with which you sustain your own life for the hungry and satisfy the need of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in  darkness, and your obscurity and gloom become like the noonday.  And the Lord shall guide you continually and satisfy you in drought and in dry places and make strong your bones.  And you shall be like a watered garden and like a spring of water whose waters fail not."  Isaiah 58:8-11

I think one of the things I most easily forget is that this is a momentary trouble.  Even though it may hurt like the dickens right now, its not going to last.  I forget to look up and see what God is doing in the midst of it all.  I forget, and boy should I know this one by now, that He can take me through the dark and bring me out the other side into light that is so contagious all those around me want to know it.  He can and does redeem everything done against me...everything meant to crack and destroy me.  He is there, with arms open wide, wanting to carry me through the rough waters and put me safely on the other side, on the peaceful shore.  He wants to walk it with me.  He delights in me as I ask Him for help and wisdom.  He knows the plans He has for me (Jer 29:11-14) and they are plans for my best and for the best of those all around me.  He is my Savior, my Friend, the Lover of my soul, My husband.
Even this current time of singleness, I am beginning to see, may be temporary.  Not that I am seeking to change it and get through this time quickly.  Instead I am seeking to embrace the time and use it for His glory.  What can I do, right now, for Him?  How can I best use this time that He is healing and restoring me, to reach out to others in His love?
Do you shy away from people who are hurting?  Or do you use the pain you have experienced in your own life to reach out and be more compassionate and use what you have learned to help them?  It may hurt, and bring those feelings of hurt back to the front of your mind, but there is great healing in comforting those who are hurting.  We have been comforted, by our Savior, and can extend that comfort...no matter what it "costs" us at the moment.
Don't get me wrong, I have defense mechanisms too that tend to pop up when things get too serious.  But I have experienced great comfort and great healing...how can I keep that to myself when others so desperately need what I have been given.
I am beginning to highly value being useable, teachable, mold-able.  May God use all that He is teaching me, and all the healing and restoration, for His glory!

Trust

So, the issue of trust seems to be coming up all around me lately.  It's such a core thing in our lives but so hard to get back once lost.  And when it comes to God, it can take a lifetime to learn to completely trust Him with every fiber of our being...a daily decision.
So, how do you get trust back once you have been lied to?  Or do you even allow yourself to trust again?  Do you feel as if you are better off if you don't trust again? 
I am no expert.  I have been lied to so often that I just don't even know what to do with it all.  My heart of course, wants to protect itself and not taking chances.  But my soul says, forgive and move on.
And then there is the new found, hopefully to never lose again, feeling that I truly can trust God with all of it.  And the peace that passes understanding that comes with that deep-down let Him have it all-ness.  Knowing that regardless of what happens, He alone walks with me through it and is enough to make me able to make it to the other side.  There is NOTHING that can happen, and trust me, I have had this tested often this year and last year, that He isn't right there with me for.  And seeing me to the other side.
Does that mean its easier for me to trust others?  No, not really.  But it means that I can keep reaching out regardless of whether I am stepped all over or not, because God WILL see me through.  He will redeem each and every situation of others trying to harm me or destroy me.  So, I can keep going...in His power and with His strength.
I am not God, so I don't have the power to forget the wrongs done against me, but I have His power to be able to forgive and move on.  And in His power I can keep giving second (third, fourth, etc) chances to others and allow them to be human (after all, I am human myself and mess up just as many times if not more).
I want to be trusted myself...I want the people I love to know that my word means something, that I can be counted on, that I try my hardest to never lie or deceive them but to just love on them the way I want them to love on me.
So, I guess I am choosing to trust.  In God's power and with His help.  Even if it means being vulnerable and having the chance of getting my heart shattered again.  Because I want to be trusted.