This surprised me...

 Photo by John Wilford

Somewhere between representing the Cowtown Butchers at ITT Tech's open house, hanging out with my Butchers at the KCRW bout on Saturday night, telling people "no, we don't have any doughnuts" at the Pancake breakfast on Sunday, road-tripping with one of my bestest friends, and crashing in exhaustion around 5 o'clock yesterday I was pleasantly surprised by a thought that popped into my head. 
"If it weren't for God allowing the divorce to happen, I wouldn't have any of these experiences"
And I found myself actually thankful.  Now, I am not saying that this makes the pain that I experienced go away by any means, or minimizes its continuing impact on my life.  But while having this thought, I realized that Romans 8:28 is proven in my life.  God allowed it to happen...He doesn't like divorce or its effects on His children, but it doesn't keep Him from working in their lives.  He can use even our darkest moments to accomplish amazing things in our lives.
My life is by no means perfect...I still have some crazy hard things that I am going through or have gone through.  There is more drama around my life then I would like.  But through it all, God is shining in His sovereignty.  He knows exactly how He can use each and every single event in my life, for my good, but even more importantly...for His glory.
There is so much of life right now that I would have never experienced had my life not fallen apart in '09.  I would have never known roller derby existed, and would have missed out on all the photography practice I have gotten lately, not to mention the team and friendships gained!  I would not have met my two bestest friends, and the rest of the gang who are so dear to me.  I would not be counting down to graduation.  And I would not have had the adversity/recovery process that threw me into God's arms and a relationship with Him like I had never known before.
Yes, bad things happen.  Hard times are part of life.  But, when we keep walking with Him, trusting Him, giving Him the pen to write out our life stories, draw close to Him, rely on Him for everything... LIFE IS A GREAT ADVENTURE!  And the details that He fills in for me are beyond anything I could have come up with on my own!
And I will take this new found ability to even be thankful for even this!

Power in the way you choose to look at things.

*Warning:  if all you get out of this post is feeling sorry for me, then you missed the point entirely.  What is shared is purely to show the power you have in how you choose to look at life.*

In the last three years, God has been working hard in and with me to help me be able to see things differently, closer to the way that He sees them.  To be more fully aware of the blessings among the hards.  Today, I put on my status update that I am blessed beyond anything that I could imagine...because I AM!  But from the world's point of view...I look as if I have nothing. 

~I am a single mom... but the girls and I have never been happier, felt safer, or lived a more full life then what we are doing right now.  I don't see myself as the label of single mom.  I am just me and we are actively enjoying the life we have.
~I don't have a boyfriend... but I am surrounded by some absolutely amazing friends that I wouldn't want to do life without, who make me a better person and lift me up constantly in prayer.  And I have a relationship with God like I didn't even know existed!
~there is no money in either of my accounts right now... but all of my bills are paid for the month, and God has promised repeatedly that He is still in charge and still has it all covered.
~I don't have a real job... but I am a stay at home mom (and college student) who absolutely loves the time that she gets to spend with her girls every day...and that they do not have to be in daycare or whatever all summer.  This is the best job in the entire world and I wouldn't trade it for a thing!
~I spend hours taking pictures that I don't get paid for... but my team is the most appreciative group of guys ever and the rewards are amazing.  Sure, there is no money in it...but again, I wouldn't trade this for anything.  I have gotten to travel more this summer than ever, and the gratitude from the guys for the pictures and support never ceases to amaze me.  And I am getting a lot of experience in so many different aspects through this.  It truly is a pleasure.  Every single time one of my pictures is used as a profile pic, or cover pic, or sent off as part of a ref's profile, or shared in a blog post, or liked, it more than makes it all worth it.  And its free advertising!
~I don't even have my own car in my driveway... This one has been the most surprising blessing to me.  One of the hardest things for me over the last three years was when there was no money for gas or toilet paper.  Because my car is loaned out to a friend (who needs to be able to get to work), I don't have any of the worries/anxiety that I otherwise would have been feeling over the fact that I couldn't afford to put gas in it.  It has been a really good thing to be without a car right now!  Truly!

Okay, to reiterate the whole point of this blog post today.  So much of life is how we choose to look at our circumstances.  If we make the choice to whine (and yes, that is a CHOICE) about how bad off we are, we tend to push people away and miss out on the potential blessings that God has among the hard times for us.  And then, when things get even harder, because life is like that, we won't have the smaller hard successes to pull from and it might make things appear even harder.  All along the way, God is right there, giving us the grace and strength we need to make it through anything and everything that comes our way.  When we succeed at making it through the smaller hard times, we truly are building a foundation that will keep us from crumbling when the harder hards come along.  And you want to know what makes this even more exciting to me?  When we have built this foundation in the hard times, and we choose to count our blessings and see the positive among the hard...then our eyes are more open to see the big blessings in the good times.  Instead of missing them, or only partly enjoying them.  The more I am focused on God in the times that are challenging, the more I am aware of all that He is doing in and around me.  The more I enjoy this life that He has blessed me with.  And my blessings are beyond numbers!  There is no way to share them all.  And I still miss some.  Even watching carefully, I still miss some of what He is doing!  But I can truly rest assured that no matter what happens, He has already prepared me to be able to handle it AND He is right there walking me through it all.  No, my life doesn't look like much to the world, but it is my life, and God handwrote the details just for me...knowing that I would find myself absolutely flourishing, and thankful for all He has done, is doing, and will do in the future.
You hold so much power in your hands...

Fun!

Have you ever had a stage of life where you describe it as fun?  I found myself more then once over the last few days commenting that my life is fun, that I can't ever remember having so many fun opportunities come my way at the same time, and that I am just enjoying life!  Yes, there are a lot of issues and hard times still in the mix, but man! the memories that I am making and the activities and travel and friendships to experience never cease to amaze me. 
The above picture is me, sitting with my guys after they won a really big victory...not that the point spread was large, but they beat a previously undefeated team.  And I was so stinking excited for them, and proud of how well they played as a team...the effective way they worked together...and was hyper as all get out (to the point that there were cheerleader kicks and cartwheels).  I sat down for the picture, taken by Heith Carnahan of KC Derby Digest who was also taking pics on Saturday night.  Great guy, by the way, and amazing pictures...you should check out his photos.  Right before he snapped this picture, one of the guys had commented something about their photographer being excited, and then Duct Tape, comes sliding up next to me, and he gets a great photo of them smiling!  The whole evening was a lot of fun and a great reminder of why I got addicted to this sport in the first place.
And for the last two days, I have looked at pictures (took just under 2000, and kept maybe 800 for a slideshow for them), and just smiled.  I have thought about this life I am living and just smiled.  The word that keeps popping up in my head is fun.  I am having a blast in this stage of my life!  And that speaks so loudly to what God has been doing, the doors He has opened, the healing He is doing, and the joy that is reaped when you give it all to Him and walk the path He has for you.  I have also gotten reminders from team members, friends, and a new friend, of how the work I am doing for our league is helping them out.  And we all know how much I like to help.  The encouragement is amazing and so different from what I have experienced in the past...but seems to be a lot more present in my life right now.
Every one has a past.  Every one has issues they have to work through, and healing processes they have to go through.  I am no exception.  For ten years of my life, things were all too often rocky and eruptions were way too common.  I got to the point that I couldn't remember what there was that was valuable about me, or worthwhile, and began to enjoy the new-found ability to blend in with the walls and become almost invisible.  Walking on eggshells hoping to be spared of eruptions was more common place then I care to admit (and wasn't all that effective anyways).  When it all fell apart, I felt guilty because below the pain was almost relief and hope that things could be more controllable.  I drew closer and closer to the God who made the way for us, who provided everything we needed and already had amazing supports systems in place for us.  And I began to learn that He just wants me to walk one day at a time with Him, leaving all the tomorrows in His hands.  And there is so much freedom in that!  It is amazing.
Over the last almost three years since everything changed, God has brought so many good things back into my life, despite the struggles that have also been there.  He has provided His perfect peace, His never-ending joy, hope like I have never known, and a love and excitement for life that I didn't know existed this side of Heaven.  He has shown me repeatedly that I don't have to get down just because life is hard...but that I can choose to look for even the smallest thing to be thankful for and hold on to.  And that when I do that, it just doesn't knock me near as far down. 
There are just as many unknowns for me right now as there have ever been.  I have absolutely no clue what the future holds, or even what I would like for it to hold.  But I know that He is writing my story, and has already shown me how very delightful and fun that story can be.  I would have never guessed, EVER, that I would be where I am right now, doing what I am doing, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  This is the greatest adventure, and I can rest assured that He knows and is taking care of all the details!  And again, I find myself saying...This is the life!
(and if you only knew even a small bit of all that is going on right now...you would be just as blown away by the fact that I can say this...its truly only by the grace of God that I can see my life this way!  And I am sooooo thankful!)

Balance

Life has been almost insanely busy lately.  I traveled last weekend with the team to Texas, took tons of pictures and brainstormed on how we might help to make things run a little smoother.  After coming back home, I spent the next three days editing pictures and making posters for upcoming events.  Crazy fun, and time flew while doing so, but I found myself neglecting other responsibilities, and sitting in my chair behind the computer for far too many hours of the day.  Homework was the thing most pushed to the back burner this week, which fortunately was the lightest week of homework so far...but the need for balance was glaringly obvious.  My daughters also got less of me this week then they should have, which hurts to admit.  And I was stretching myself way too thin, staying up way too late in the evenings trying to get everything done and trying to feel as if I wasn't going to let someone down.
So, in my quiet time, God called me on it.  He told me that I need to take more time this summer to laugh and play with my girls, to snuggle with them on the rare occasions that they still allow me to.  To not cheat homework time for time on facebook or derby duties.  To learn to say no to events when there is just too much in my week already.  And to be careful how much time I spend away.
Every once in awhile we need to be reminded of what is important to us, that life needs to be balanced, and what things need to be on the top of our agendas.  I am glad that my "wake-up call" if you will, was through my quiet time and not through a big loss or life event.  But this one is super hard for me.  While I am not as much of a people-pleaser as I once was, I am still happiest when I am helping others in some way, shape, or form.  And I have to find a way to balance things better, for my own health, and for my daughters' sake. 
Just because something is fun, or a good thing to do, does not mean that it is what is best for me.  So, I have to start making some better decisions and work on balancing life out a little better.  I want my girls to grow up knowing that they are important to me, not an after thought, or something that is squeezed into the schedule where ever it fits.  They need me to be playful, snuggly, understanding, patient, etc, etc, etc.  I cannot be any of those things that they need if I am stressed out or over-committed.  No wonder God asked me to be more balanced.
So what did I do tonight?  I stayed home from practice and watched tv with my girls.  Cannot even remember the last time we watched tv together.  I am trying.  A work in progress!  I am so thankful that God has not given up on me!

When my hands are tied...

I know my last post touched on some of the benefits of being a part of a team.  And that as a psych major who is wrapping up her psychology program, those who actually read this blog have gotten an ear full lately.  But these people mean a lot to me!  So if you don't want to read about them again, feel free to ignore this blog post.
The derby world is full of people just like you and me.  Each individual is someone that loves the sport, despite the risks.  All of us have something in life that we do purely for the enjoyment of it, and will make sacrifices elsewhere in order to make it happen.
Sacrifice is something we commonly think about on days like today, Independence day, and we each have different aspects of it that "get to us".  We wouldn't be where we are today if we hadn't made sacrifices along the way.
This coming weekend makes this all really obvious.  The team is traveling to the Dallas, Texas area to take on two different teams.  In order to make this trip (much like Dallas Deception did when they came to us back in April) team members have to give up time at work on Friday so they can travel, on top of travel expenses.  This is not a sport where people are recruited in with promises of financial help/sponsors, or big paychecks.  The team is owned by their players.  Each guy pays monthly dues, finances their own gear and team shirts, and pays their own ways to travel/participate.  They are sacrificing in other areas of their lives in order to do this.
Here's where the title comes in.  I am a helper by nature, as you have probably already noticed from other posts.  I would do just about anything to help see this team succeed, and to see that everyone that wants to gets to participate.  But, I am already having to have help myself in order to make the trip with the guys.  Money, like for most people these days, is TIGHT!  As a full-time student, and stay-at-home single mom, it doesn't exist after paying the bills.  My hands are tied.
That being said, there ARE things that can be done to help out our local boys!  In ways that would mean the world to them.  Want some examples?  (1) Showing up for home bouts!  If more people would buy tickets and show up in support of our guys, it would go a long ways in encouraging them AND helping them to finance future bouts.  (2)  Leave encouraging comments on their facebook wall.  Never underestimate the power of encouragement!  (3)  Skating with our guys on Thursday nights at River Roll.  A lot of them come to skate before practice, and its a great time to get to know them and let them know that they have fans.  Plus, its all you can eat pizza/soda for the price of admission ($7).  Win/win!  You get a chance to skate with some of our guys, talk with them, encourage them, and even learn from them!  (4) Pray for the guys on our team...for their families, for their finances, for their safety, that they would pull together as a team, and work well together as a team, overcoming the many obstacles that keep popping up.  (yes, I just suggested that you pray for a roller derby team...but couldn't we all use someone praying for us?)  (5)  If any of you are part of a business that could come behind this team and support it, that would be amazing too!
Every single one of us need a support system, encouragement, and backing.  I sure wouldn't want to walk this life alone.  I need the people that God has put into my life to be able to make it through some of the crazy bumps in the road.  And each one of us plays an important part in the lives of those around us.  Even if you don't want to support my Cowtown Butchers in some way, what can you actively be doing in the lives of those around you?  How can you be more supportive of your best friend, your spouse, your parents, your children, your church, your office?  Instead of living as if our hands are tied, and there is nothing we can do, what if we started looking for even small ways that we can do SOMETHING.