Grief

I don't understand grief...not that I have ever really tried to.  It doesn't make sense to me.  It comes and goes as it will...sometimes knocking you to the floor completely, sometimes just brushing past you.  Sometimes in expected ways, and on expected days, and other times completely out of no where.
It's been that way with the residual grief from my divorce, and its been that way with loss.
Outside of the divorce, which is not the same as grieving a death, I hadn't lost anyone super close to me, that was as unexpected as the loss I just experienced.  I have lost all my grandparents, but they had all lived full lives.  This loss was the first that was someone close to me, my age(ish), that had been an active part of our lives...as close as family.  In fact, I called him big brother, he called me his little sister, my kiddos called him uncle.  He was my Cherry Coke Fairy.  We talked for accumulated hours over the time we knew each other, about the big and little things in life.  We encouraged each other in our walks with God.  And just like siblings, we had moments where we were not communicating, too. 
 And it was out of the blue.  Unexpected.  No explanation.
What makes it even harder, is that he was the happiest and most peaceful I've ever known him to be.  We had just reconnected after a break from a time where we both were fighting our own things.  He had just gotten married to a woman I am privileged to call my friend.  They were making plans of their own, to add to their combined family.  I had literally just held his newborn son for the first time the last time I talked to him...and he had never met him. 
I was a mess after my sister lost her husband, but almost more for her than for him, because I really didn't know him that well since they had lived in another state for most of their life together.  But this has been so different.
And it was right before the Christmas holidays. 
I've lost sleep over this...every night since the phone call.
I've cried more times than I can count.
I drove to Omaha for his remembrance ceremony and gave his wife as many hugs as I could.
We gathered here at my house Christmas night and I watched all his girls open their presents and we tried so hard to laugh...and it was precious precious memories.
Today, I've been keeping a bonfire going all afternoon/evening in his honor.  Not because it makes sense to have a bonfire in December...nor is it easy to keep wood burning in December, or to feel your toes after sitting near it, or because he can even see it.  But because half of my memories with him are sitting around a bonfire and commenting on how there never is enough firewood when he comes over...and by the time he was done, there was no wood left in the pile.  He loved a tall fire.  I couldn't get the fire to be even half as big as he liked it to be, but boy did I cry.
There isn't a single thing I can do or say to bring him back, nor would I want to because he is now stress free, carefree, pain free in Heaven, two-stepping on streets of gold.  There isn't anything I can say to make the pain easier for his beautiful wife.  There isn't anything I can do to make it easier for his girls, or my girls as they all grieve this out in their own ways.  I cannot even take the hurt away for myself.
All I can do is remember him.  Tell his stories.  Remember him for who he was...a man who had real struggles but loved freely and openly all who came across his path.  Who would literally give the shirt off his back if he thought you needed it.  Who randomly dropped loads of Cherry Coke at my door because he knew it encouraged me.  Who shared about his love for his Savior, and the fact that he was a sinner saved by grace.  He didn't always make the best decisions, and his struggles were real, but he loved with abandon.  And I was privileged to get to see him love his wife and be so excited about the plans they were making.
In the end, the loss is real, but so are the memories.  Good and bad.  That's just how life is.
I can choose to lock myself away and not allow myself to love on the people God brings across my path, in attempts to keep myself from getting hurt... OR ... I can choose to have open hands and open eyes to those that God brings in and out of my life, holding nothing back, and walking hand in hand with those who are important to me.  I've already lived both ways...and either way has pain involved.  But I would rather love than close myself off to it.  After all, that's what God did for me...loved me even though He knew that I wouldn't always make the best choices.
I am truly thankful that Chris was my big brother...that he picked me to be his little sister...and that his life impacted me in so many ways.  Making me think outside the box.  Seeing what it was like to have someone want the best for me.  Challenging me in my walk and beliefs.  Showing me what it was like to be real and vulnerable with others, and trying to overcome addictions and bad choices.  And so much more.
And maybe that's why the grief is so real and unexpected...

Our 2014 Simply Memorable Journey

Oak Park High School

  Jamesport with Heavenly Hippo

New Horizon Presbyterian Church Winter Craft show
  Blue Springs Pinterest Event

Our first outdoor festival...Gower Festival

Liberty Fall Fest

Gladfest



Smithville Christian Family Day

It's the time of year that I tend to look back and think about all that has transpired in 2014.  What an amazing year!
We re-started our bag making...with full-time energy and effort this time...what originally was a 30 bags in 30 days goal back in 2010 has become a small business that allows me to truly be WITH my kiddos and help them thrive.
Back in January, when God put this giant leap of faith in front of me, it was daunting and I felt way too much to ask.  We were dealing with so much other stuff...trying to get official diagnoses for Ms. Banana and the help she needed to be able to handle her challenges and fears, watching Ms. Toad becoming a young lady, watching them both be middle schoolers.  But we jumped in with everything we had and did it the three of us together.
  Right before the first house party.

I sewed, all year long, like our lives depended on it.  And was reminded by God over and over and over, that He had us...that He would bring us the buyers for the bags, and that this was to be just a small way He provided for us, not the only way.  Even with Him reminding me of that constantly, I still am the worse boss to work for...I expect way too much out of myself.
We started out with some girls' night, shopping parties, for families and friends. Then as we kept posting what I was making, as I was making it, on facebook, we received amazing likes and supports that kept us trying even as we went through some super tight months.  Then got a sale from the Pinterest page and a bag went to Arizona, followed by an order for a quilted luggage set.  (Bags going to different states is another super fun part of all this!)  Ms. Banana got her diagnoses and began getting the help she needed and I kept sewing around their schedules.  We dipped our toes in the water at the first vendor event I found, and didn't make a single sale, but got invited to participate in our first ever outdoor event, which we loved. And we jumped in with both feet, a bit of fear, and a lot of hope.
Spring, summer, and fall were full of the girls' activities, as well as craft shows and festivals and vendor events.  We participated in as many shows/festivals as I could afford to participate in: from small shows to some big, well-known ones like Liberty Fall Fest and Gladfest on back to back weekends.  We just wrapped up the year with five weekends worth of events in a row this winter, ending with our own Christmas party this past Friday night.
We have probably made 300 bags, of all sizes, this year, and a small handful of the most beautiful/detailed quilts I have ever made.  Far surpassing what I hoped for in January when I set a goal to make one bag of every pattern I owned.  While that goal did not happen, I made far more bags than patterns...making my own bag patterns as I went.  Wallets, cellphone wallet/wristlets, drawstring bags, purses and totes (of almost every size, color, and pattern you can imagine), quilted bags, 3 full size quilted duffle sets, and one small quilted duffle set.  Our best seller being our cellphone wristlets, with probably 150 made and only 40+ on hand right now.  Another constant seller were our drawstring bags, which came close to selling out at every event they went to (as well as being our first special order in our Etsy shop).  Quilted duffles came in as our next most popular items this year.  But the most popular fabric, made into wallets and cellphone bags, would have to be Sock Monkeys...I lost track of how many times I went back to Hobby Lobby for fabric, but there are three people that work there that now know me by sight and greet me excitedly every time I walk in the doors again.  This truly has been so much fun to sew for people that get so excited to see their special-made-for-them bags.
  
But the part of all of this that has been the most fun, has been to meet so many new people, both fellow crafters/vendors, and all the shoppers.  To hear people excited about all the choices.  To make special orders that are exactly what someone imagined it might be.  To watch people come alongside us to get a new sewing machine and keep moving forward.  To hear all the encouragement as we keep walking out life in general and making bags.  And to know that God orchestrated all of this because it's what He knew we needed as a small family.
Wow!  What a year!!!

Nothing easy

There is nothing easy about being a single parent. 

I never in a million years had kids thinking I would ever have to do it alone. I was in love. I wanted to have his children and it be our little family. I wanted to be a mom and love on these precious babies God gifted me with. Even then, I was super nervous about the teenager stage, but when I worried, I reminded myself that there were two of us, and we would figure out things together. 

But life, so often turns out nothing like you imagine or plan. And I've been a single mom for five years now. And in that time, I truly expected myself to be a bit more secure or feeling like I can do this. But still, more often then not, I doubt my ability to do this. I'm not as strong as everyone assumes I am. I'm an emotional mess just as often as not. I have just as many sad moments as happy ones, overwhelmed times as not overwhelmed. Way too often I feel like I am drowning and that I am failing my girls.

 And I feel all these opposite spectrum emotions at the same time that I am daily living a relationship with Daddy God.  I cannot imagine how much even more overwhelming it is for those without a relationship with Him. Because He truly is the only reason some days that I can keep going, and that I can keep trying so hard. 

There is a lot of self doubt as a parent. And I think that intensifies as a full time single parent. It feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and if you mess up, it's not just your life, but theirs too. There is no safety net. No spouse to bounce ideas off of and help carry the burden. So, without a relationship with God, there can be an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. With Him, I can always find at least a sliver of hope to cling to, knowing that He loves my precious girls even more than I do, and me, and He has the best plan for us. Even with the amount of years I have tried to daily walk with Him, many years longer than my marriage existed, my children exist, and the years I have been single again... My relationship with Him has been my rock. 

That doesn't cancel out consequences, life's ups and downs, the happies and the sads...but He actively holds my hands and even carries me at times, through it all. 

I may be single, again, but I am His. 

I may feel like a failure as a parent, especially as a single one, more often than I ever say out loud, but I am still His. 

I may not be able to give my girls any extra things, but He actively gives me the strength and he courage to be there for them, daily, even when I've been pushed past my breaking point...because I am His. 

I may often feel like this path is too hard, too challenging, too much (after all being a single parent isn't my only challenge as anyone who knows me knows), but that sometimes-only-a-sliver of hope keeps me putting one foot in front of the other...because I am His and He knows how much I need Him and His reassurances. 

In the last five years, there have been moments that have ripped my heart out of my chest, only to heal and be ripped out, repeating over and over. Details learned that renewed feelings of betrayal, friends and loved ones moving in and out of our lives, concussions that took away more memories and ability to "fully" and easily function, diagnoses that literally changed everything about our lives, financial set backs and job changes, fighting off depression with everything we could muster, threats and stalkers, and more...on top of the very day challenges of preteens and teens and life. There have also been happies, joys, accomplishments, little life celebrations and big answered prayers. 

EVERY. STEP. OF. THE. WAY. HE CARRIED US!!!

I could not and would not want to live this life without the help, support, foundation, protection, guidance of my Daddy God and I am so thankful for every single moment of every single day because it's the love story of redemption and provision that He is writing just for me. I am thankful that He knew exactly how motivating my girls would be for me and how hard I would fight to be more than I knew I could be to be there for them. I am so thankful for the amazing young ladies they are, and the God-given potential for who He is making them to be, despite me and my fumblings. That He loves the three of us with a crazy big, never ending, unfathomable love. 

And even though this life is hard, and nothing like I could have ever imagined, I am thankful to be living the life that He made just for me...the good and the bad...because it's the fabric that makes me who I am. 

Crazy busy!

I haven't blogged in forever. With the two big festivals we did September/October, and then a very detailed quilted duffle and the cross quilt...busy, busy, busy. 

I've been trying to make better priorities, getting up earlier and trying to have a routine. And trying to stop working when the girls come home, which has been great for the three of us. Work in progress. 

And trying to crank out this quilt. I've poured my heart and soul into this doing one arc at a time of each section of the quilt. 

The up side of the new routine, is I found time to clean up the sewing area and be a little less embarrassed about the condition of my house. :)

And a new table for the old machine which also motivated the clean up. 

I pushed myself...too hard

Although it has felt super weird/off to be so much less busy, I have been using the last two days to purposefully step back and be still. All of September, up til now, has been crazy busy hours in front of the sewing machine pushing myself hard. Harder than I should have. And I still haven't figured out why. I probably had two or three times as much product as I needed for the fall fest, and even tho it was an absolutely amazing weekend and experience, I couldn't seem to help feeling a bit let down at the comparison between how hard I had worked, how much I had made, versus the amount sold. And then I got frustrated with myself for not taking the time to enjoy the fact that while it wasn't what we were hoping to do, it was still better than any other event we have ever done. And we made some amazing new friends!!!

Then, yesterday morning, on almost a whim, I left a message with gladstone's chamber of commerce to see if by any chance they had an opening for Gladfest this weekend. Not only did they, the ladies I was able to talk to knew my grandparents and I was able to hear about some of the ways, over the years, that they helped my grandparents during the annual Gladfests. That was a super neat opportunity!  And I am so grateful for it and for their excitement over having another crafter. And if it weren't for fall fest, I wouldn't have had the ability or confidence to do Gladfest. And I will never forget the excitement of my girls, which was the deciding factor for me to take this chance. (I don't enjoy "borrowing" from bill money for anything...but we were asked often last weekend if we were going to be there and the exposure will be another good thing!)

Anyways, now we know another reason why we have so much product...God already knew we would be doing this and He already had the doors open for it. His hands are just as much all over this as they were with us getting to do fall fest. 

That doesn't excuse or explain why I pushed myself so hard this month...why I continually have such higher standards of what I expect of myself than I do of others, or others do of me. Or why I didn't even realize that putting in four weeks of 5-6 days a week of 8-10 hours (or occasionally more) a day was not good for a brain that is still struggling after the last concussion. Maybe even to the point of erasing some of the progress/healing. I have definitely noticed a difference in my processing and communicating abilities and caught myself having to apologize more and more frequently for not being able to complete a thought, or losing it permanently. And in those moments, I've had to force myself not to get upset about it, or it got worse. 

Which brings us back to purposefully takeing some down time. I couldn't get myself back to sleep yesterday, and today forced myself back in bed after the girls' bus drove by...laying there until my thoughts finally stopped racing enough to drift back to some much needed sleep. And then literally forcing myself to not go into the sewing room, and not doing more for the business than catching up on some computer stuff (getting inventory up to date on Facebook and updating the calendar). 

It feels so weird tho...like I should be doing something, but havingn to remind myself that I literally NEED to do the opposite right now. My girls are the motivation behind the business, but they are also yeah driving need behind letting my body/brain have recuperation time. They need me to be around for a long time, and to be my best, not a run down mess. So...I'm finally reading a great library book (that just happens to be due today), I'm relaxing on my swing (something that hasn't happened much this year), and I'm enjoying the fluffy clouds God keeps rolling across the sky above me. And choosing to rest in Him. Not something that comes easy to me, but something my brain was begging for!

Golden Birthday Giveaway!

In honor of Ms. Banana's golden birthday tomorrow (12 on the 12th), Simply Memorable is hosting a giveaway with half a dozen ways to get your name entered into the drawing.
All entries will be put in a fish bowl, and Ms. Banana will do the honors of drawing the name on Sunday, September 14th!
The prize will be your choice of one of our cellphone wristlet/wallets.
Good luck!

 

Facebook page link: Simply Memorable Bags

Etsy Shop: Simply Memorable

To report your entries, go HERE and leave a comment(s) with all your entries

Mass production

I have never really tried to mass produce much in my lifetime. Never had a need to until now. We are still working super hard around here to get ready for the 2014 Liberty Fall Fest. And our current best seller is the cellphone wristlet, my pattern, that we have two sizes in. The week before Labor Day, I spent two or three days cutting out multiples of the two sizes. Then on Labor Day, I cut out all the felt and most of the craft fuse pieces. The next day I cut the rest of the craft fuse pieces and ironed it all on. Then two days worth of sewing up all the pieces of the larger sized ones. Friday I sewed pieces for ten hours. When all the pieces were done, I started sewing the bags together. It's now Wednesday, and I just completed the last of the bigger sized ones. The piles are pretty amazing to look at. 

And right now, I refuse to think about the fact that there are still 27 of the smaller size to work on. Going to switch to another fall fest project for awhile and then go back to cellphone wristlets...like maybe the convertible bags or some fabric wallets. Or the quilt-feature bag. Or the crochet-feature bag.

As you can tell, there's plenty to do... And a cake to decorate this week too! 

Anyways, celebrated one finish!!!

Transparency

At church, we often talk about being transparent. Sharing our own hardships and struggles allowing others to come alongside us, and us to come alongside others with a heartfelt "I know what you are going through...been there".
I'm not good at transparent. I'd rather talk about what's going good in life than to admit how hard we are struggling and just barely scraping by, while working the hardest I can ever remember.
For the sake of transparency: I'm a single mom who just made it through one of the toughest summers we have ever faced. I have one daughter with anxiety disorder, sensory processing disorder, and OCD that sometimes pushes me so far that it truly feels like I will explode. I have another daughter who is a young teen so much like myself at that age...just trying to keep the peace and please those around her to the point that eventually she might feel she lost herself in the process (I've been there/done that). My heart regularly breaks for both of them and I often feel like I am failing them.
I work a job that God literally gave me and asked of me during this season, that I most of the time absolutely love, and that allows me to get my girls to their therapies and groups and school activities. But this job daily tests my trust in God and dependence on Him: no regular paychecks, and I've never worked harder. I never know if there will be money to pay the bills (although child support does help and I am super grateful for direct deposit, faithful child support).
My life isn't easy. I've never been stretched thinner and harder than 2014. I've never wished more that I could take my kiddos' struggles as my own and let them have an easier go of it and the freedom to just be kids than this year. I've never felt so useless.
BUT...my story doesn't end there. God's not done with me yet. It won't always be as hard as it has been this year. Every time she goes to therapy, banana is learning new techniques to assist her in living despite her challenges. Every time Toad goes to her Tuesday night support group, she learns and grows and blossoms. Every time we walk in the doors of church, we are reminded that we are not alone in this world. Every time I open my bible and read the truths and promises there, I am filled with hope and peace. Every time we pray, together or alone, we are reminded of the things He is doing behind the scenes for us and what He has done before.
Life is hard, but it's not hopeless. Bills come faithfully, whether there is money to pay them or not, but God is even more faithful than the bills. And there is always, always, always something to be thankful for...even if it's just remembering that He is bigger and in control and never changes!

The process of gorgeousness (updated)

Just like it takes many layers and hours of time to make a completely gorgeous, beautifully detailed quilt, having a life of true beauty inside and out takes a long, detailed, oftentimes painful process. 

The quilt I am currently working on is a great illustration of this. It had more puncture marks from the countless stitches than I would care to admit. If you look super closely at it, it's not perfectly uniform. But when you step back and look at a whole square, I am amazed at its beautiful detail. When I step even further back and look at it as a whole quilt, I am literally speechless. Each stitch, detail, shape, color, layer... All work together to form a beautiful work of art. Each layer or piece or stitch by itself is just that...a layer, a piece, a stitch. The quilt has had to go through the whole process to become the work of art. 

My life is definitely like that. I've walked through some super hard, literally dark and trying times. I've fought hard to have an outlook that sees the good despite the trying, the laughter despite the pain, the blessings among the empty... God has used many many people in my life to just keep me going and moving forward. 

For just over a year, I've been meeting with one of the pastors' wives at my church to assist in this. And she's been challenging me at every turn to look at things differently. Asking the hard questions I maybe try to avoid or ignore, but that seem to bring healing and gorgeous details to this adventure called life. God has used her more than I could ever put in words. This week she flat out asked me why I keep choosing to settle for just friendship, or even to hide behind one of my male best friends rather than being more open and available to what God might have for me just around the corner? Why I don't see myself as deserving more. I stinking have the answers for her, but while I am coming up on the end of this one particular quilt, I find myself thinking a lot about this and other things that the process of being made more like God and moving beyond our circumstances. 

I have no profound light bulb moments. But I do have this underlying current of awe at what God's brought me through, where He has me now, and where He has promised me that He will be taking me in the future. I know that this life of mine is His to write however He wants, and that every speed bump along the way helps me to trust Him more and to be able to be there for others. I know that without a doubt because I've seen it as a reoccurring theme in my life. And one day, when it's my time to go home to be with Him...I will be able to step back from my life and see the bigger picture and the beautiful details all work together to make one gorgeous piece of art...that points straight to Him and how good He always is! 

To me, that is exciting and challenging!

Just like me, the quilt isn't finished yet. You can see it's potential, and fun details... Knowing that soon it will truly be a work of art and useful all at the same time. And until then, we just know it's headed in the right direction, trusting that when I finish all the quilting and put the binding on it will be completely gorgeous. I choose to trust that God, my creator, is doing just that in me!!!

(Quilting finished)...

Hadn't even dreamed this one...

I've been trying to do as many vendor/craft shows as possible this summer...I couldn't do near as many as I wanted to do because of the fees involved...but I think we averaged about one a month...(except August because of trying to be super available as the youngest one was trying to adjust to everything having to do with the middle school transition).  There were some big fairs we would have loved to participate in, but never even dreamed of participating in...just because funds were so limited.
And then Friday night, we went and walked around at Parkville Days (another one we couldn't figure out how to do, but thought about)...and I found myself really wishing that we could have experienced a bigger type event.  We loved the ones we got to do, and have made some amazing friends/contacts, and I think that was one of the reasons I found myself wishing on Friday night that we could have had our booth there, too. 
I guess I tend to limit my dreaming to more realistic or actually attainable...because I hadn't allowed myself to even dream about having a booth at one of these bigger events. 
But then, I had a friend volunteer to sponsor our booth at Liberty Fall Festival...a total God thing.  And because we didn't have an event in August, we have a great amount of stock to feel comfortable saying, yes, please...we would love to!
Then went to Chamber of Commerce today, and the woman seemed so hesitant because there were so few spaces left.  So I tried so hard not to be excited, because I didn't want to crash in disappointment.  She went into her office, while I stood at the counter.  We got to talking a bit through the hallway area, and since I was only looking for a 2 day spot, she came back and said she had room for us.  This is when it was starting to hit me that we were actually going to get to do this.  She wrote out my receipt as I showed her what our last booth looked like, and sent me on my merry little way.  Before even pulling out of the parking lot, I had already texted my life-long friend Kari who was praying for things to go smoothly, and had my friend Heather on the phone squealing in excitement!  Really badly squealing!  I literally feel sorry for her ears.
This is so huge for us I don't even know how to put it into words.  It's an annual event that always has a huge showing.  It's close to the house.  I have the product, just want to make up extra stock to fill in spots as they empty.  There is huge potential for getting our name out there and showing the cute things that we can do!  And the kids can come join me after they get home from school and be able to see people they know walk through/by.  I hadn't even dared to dream that it would be an event we would ever get to do...kind of like the state fair...you walk through thinking wouldn't it be fun to be represented here, but that's about it.  OMG!
Just last night in my quiet time, God was reminding me of the big things that He has brought us through and all the things He is doing behind the scenes to bring some big things to us in the future.  This is definitely one of those big things...His hands have been all over all of this!  Only in His confidence in me, could I step out and do something like this!  Truly never thought I would...but oh so excited to see what He will do with it from here.
There have been times when I have seriously questioned all of this and if it could work or if I was hearing Him wrong and needed to do something different.  But He has made the way for us every single month to be able to keep doing this, because it is the support that Banana needs right now, and lets me truly be there for both girls.  Toad and Banana are two of my biggest cheerleaders and the joy they get out of doing their own thing by me as I sew is amazingly reassuring to this momma's heart.  And the ability to stop and run to therapy, or stop and take Toad to one of her things, and to be with them on Wednesday night in youth, etc, is a gift I do not take for granted.  While this road has been hard, its also been an amazing blessing.  To truly be there for my girls and not have to miss anything or second guess how to make the schedule work so they can get the help they need...amazing.  And only by the grace of God.  On paper...it really really doesn't work.  But with God, it actually has worked.  I wouldn't want to do it any other way...I really want to walk out the path He has for me, holding His hand all along the way!

Four simple words...

Today, I got an email message...that left me in tears.  And I wouldn't have even known that I got it if my daughter hadn't checked to see why I hadn't answered.  It was my first ever email message from my almost 12 year old, who has struggled oh so much lately.  (there are plenty of posts on that journey, so I won't go through it now).
Four simple words...that left me with tears in my eyes and a sense of THANK YOU GOD!!!
The email simply said "I love middle school".
Again, I say thank you, God!
Speechless.  Still.

My super girls!

 

Just wanted to share a special update!

I know many of my posts lately have been down...it was truly one of our toughest summers.

But summer is over and school has started.

All the hours of therapy, all the hours Toad and I walked with her around the middle school getting used to the building and bells, all the melt downs and struggles...

...we were able to see the other side this week!

I'm not saying the struggles are over.

There is no cure...just ways to help her better cope...and make sure she knows she's not in this alone.

Both of my super girls had a spectacular, super start to their '14-'15 middle school adventure!

She is even riding the bus in the morning by choice!

No meltdowns before or after school all week.

No sob stories about the horrors of having to put on tennis shoes for PE.

No bawling because the locker wasn't cooperating with her.

She's not necessarily jumping for joy at the idea of going to school, but she's not dreading it either.

Both girls are making new friends and lots of new memories.

Exactly what every momma wants for their kiddos!

They both went through soooooo much this summer!

It's not easy to have anxiety disorder, OCD, and sensory processing disorder.

But its also not easy being the big sister to someone with those struggles either.

And they are both doing it! 

And on their way to thriving despite it all.

And that is nothing short of a miracle!

If you had asked me last month if I thought she would have a great transition and first week of school, I would have told you how much we were dreading what it could be like.

But it was nothing like we dreaded!

She is waking up on her own.  She's wearing pajamas at night for the first time since before kindergarten.  She's smiling and laughing.  She's functioning on a higher level.  She is doing great!

I'm well aware that there will still be tough times in the near future, and that little things like having to perform with choir for her grade make her hide in her room in panic.  But I am so thankful for a short break from daily breakdowns.  For a short break from hearing her wonder why she exists.  For a break from trying to help her see the truth rather than the lies of hopelessness that come to her so quick in the midst of a meltdown.

I am truly thankful for all the hours we poured into her this summer...believing for her when she couldn't, repeatedly telling her that it won't always be this hard, that God has special things for her future and has her here for a specific purpose (I will never stop telling her that, I believe it with all my heart for both my girls), helping her to put her mind on different things when life seems to hard and all she can see is the overload, holding her when she was so broken.  We walked through a super dark summer...one of the darkest of my lives.  But by the grace of God, we are on the other side of that particular chapter and she is learning through experience that life is a journey and process and set of trial and error...and that change isn't always as hard as our anxiety makes it look like it will be.

I have sooooo very much to be thankful for.

And in the good, the bad, and all the in between...GOD IS STILL GOOD.  He is still faithful...and He is always there!  So I always have much to be thankful for.

And boy am I thankful for my super girls!

Finding peace in the midst of it all

We are working hard to get back into routine. And to steal moments that are just ours. Seeking balance and ways to cope despite the hard that comes with special challenges. 

While she didn't want to get the church routine back, today's meltdowns were much shorter than yesterday's 4-5 hour one, and she quickly realized I was done budging on this one. We had to have help getting her into youth, but reports were she did great once she was in there. (And we've done the have to have help to get in the door thing lots!)

I participated in a different small group...and they were starting a study on the fruit of the spirit...we were digging into our bibles and I loved the digging. 

Then we worshipped surrounded my friends...which I had missed. 

Lunch was a simple affair and then both girls did separate things...which toad thrives on. She watched tv and finished a book and banana worked on a rainbow loom order for her dad (which is one of her calming things). 

We ended the day with a trip to one of our favorite places (outside of my parents') Watkins Mill. Banana fished for a bit, but couldn't get any of the fish that kept stealing her hot dog pieces and then they swam at the beach til almost closing time. 

I cannot express in words how badly we were needing a low key, "normal" day. They have been rare lately. But boy am I thankful for one!!!

Can you overdose on Thankfuls?

I am thankful for a camera that gets pictures like this!

My posts have been a bit on the downer side lately, because I am struggling at the moment.  But I know how to bounce back...and that is by thinking more about the things I have to be thankful for, rather than the hard things or hurtful things or confusing things that are being said to me.
So...I am going to flood myself with thankfuls...and we'll see if you can overdose on thankful thinking.

This morning, I am super thankful for our school district.  I am thankful that they seem to go the extra mile to make sure that their students can thrive and that we have had nothing but helpful people as we try to get Banana ready for middle school.  I am thankful that we can have her in that school building as often as we need over these two weeks before school so that she KNOWS the building and has more confidence starting.  I am thankful that she is beginning to realize, again, that there is a lot of support for her and people that are rooting for her and wanting her to thrive.

I am also thankful for my oldest daughter, Toad.  She is most of the time the most patient little thing I have ever known.  She may have a super quick temper, but she is also super intuitive to people's moods and has that want-to-be-helpful tendency like her momma.  I am thankful that God gave me opposites for children, and that He blessed me with both of them.  Because I honestly would NOT want to do this life without them.  I am also super thankful that she is willing to show her sister the ropes, indulge us while we make a billion trips to school during the summer, and that she loves when I sneak her some alone time.  I am thankful that both my girls love to read, because I do, too.

Beyond those...I am thankful for my parents and adopted parents (in Tennessee) and that they spend so much time talking things through with me.  Especially on weeks where my whole life feels like it was thrown for a loop again.  Being a single mom can utterly suck at times, and it is so appreciated that they are willing to let me almost even yell in frustration and not let their feelings get hurt by my inability to hold things in sometimes...knowing that I am not yelling in frustration AT them, but over the situation.  I am thankful for their wisdom and that they are so willing to share that wisdom with me.

I am also thankful that after a week of hours upon hours upon hours of computer time, and photographing bags, and editing pictures, and crashing internet/slow internet, that there is an end in sight to getting the etsy shop fully loaded and that when that is done, the on-order fabric should be here and I should have time to sew again.  I am also thankful for a new direction to take some of the bags, that would help me be a little more affordable and portable for outdoor shows...and that my cellphone wristlets have had such a good response.  It's fun when its a pattern you created yourself and it gets a great response!

I am also thankful for summer hours and the ability to sleep in later, which lets me stay up later at night!  I am a night owl, but that's difficult during the school year.  We love the sleep in times for summer.

I am thankful that we were able to visit my parents' and their peaceful acres more often this summer than we have been able to do since moving to KC.

I am thankful that God knows our situation and exactly how He is going to provide for us to be able to keep going.

I choose to be thankful, but honestly...there is lots to be thankful for if I will just allow myself to see it.

I don't wanna be a puddle!

It's one of those days.  The kind where all you can do is cry off and on all day.  And you just want to be held.
The only thing is...I've never been held while I cried the way I long to be.  I cannot remember a boyfriend holding me while I bawled...loaning me his strength in my broken.  It didn't happen in my marriage...
So it actually just frustrates me more that that is what I wish I had...since I don't really have a memory of it happening before, so why want it?
But its one of those days where, as a female, I almost wish I was a male that could remain detached from life enough to not have random days where everything made me cry.  And just admitting that by typing it makes me want to cry again.
I am not good at this.  It's not easy to see myself cry at the drop of a hat.  I'm not use to having the freedom to be emotional.  And I still try to hide as much of it from the girls as I can.  So today's shower was super long as I bawled and asked God to please, please, please hold me and not let me turn into a puddle.  I really don't like tears...my tears.
Part of me, still feels super weak every time I cry.  And after almost five years of not being made to feel that way, I would think I would be over that.  But it has taken years of people working with me to realize that I am NOT a complete failure just because I cry.  But I still often just don't know what to do with the emotion.
One of my favorite verses is the one that talks about God knowing every tear we've cried, holding them in His hands.  It's a good thing He has big hands!
And another thing that helps, is knowing that these days are few and far between.  Although I can remember a season last fall, where I was super heartbroken and weepy...and I so don't want to go there again.
It is hard to be where I am at.  I'm not going to lie.  To be single in your upper 30's, with two precious people depending on you in huge ways, and so much of your own world is unknown.  Not a lot of fun.  And no matter how hard you fight for peace, and friendships, and no drama...it's pretty much a constant fight.  And tired is a constant feeling.  Lonely can be there too (but lonely single, is way better than lonely married).
These are the moments where everything I have worked so hard to learn, with God's help and the help of some super special people He put in my life, are tested.  Will I choose to praise Him and be thankful even when my heart is broken and all I can do is cry?  Will I choose to bank on His promises even though I cannot see how things can work?  Will I choose to trust even when it seems like the fulfillment of the things He's given me to cling to seems slow in coming?  Will I believe that He loves me enough to see me through all the feelings of being unlovable?  Will I count on His strength when all I feel like is a weak, crying, woman who is becoming a puddle on the floor?
I literally bawled in the shower and begged Him to hold me and carry me and not let me be a puddle.  I'm serious.  Can't say that I have ever prayed to not be a puddle before, but I sure did this morning.
And I know what I need to do to make it through this.  I need to dwell on the happys.  I need to choose thankfulness...despite brokenness.  I need to cling to His promises, soak up His word, and make sure I abide in Him and talk with Him...every day, as often as possible, because He alone builds me back up.

Daddy God,
Thank You for never giving up on me.  Thank You for knowing everything, seeing everything, and having a plan in place.  Thank You for making something beautiful out of the mess that so often is me.  Thank You for holding me even when I cannot feel it.  Thank You for loving me and my daughters with a crazy love that I will never be able to fully understand.  Thank You for sharing Your strength with me.  Thank You for reminding me that You will never leave me nor forsake me, that You are always there and always enough.  Thank You for Your word full of promises.  Thank You for the sacrifices that You made for me.  Thank You for providing for us.  Thank You for always holding my hand and showing me where to set my feet.  Thank You for holding every tear I have ever cried and hurting with me, knowing my pain, and never belittling the way I feel, but always reminding me that You have already redeemed it all.  Thank You!

Holding on by a thread

It was a really long weekend. Friday I was scrambling to finish stuff up for the booth on Saturday. Saturday started at 6 am and didn't finish until ten. And it was hot! But the concerts were amazing and I met some great people, and even sold a few things to make some money. Here are some booth pics...

It really was fun. 

Then today we went with my best friend to a family reunion and gave lots of hugs and came home. Another longish day. 

So I'm just tired. And I feel like I am hanging on by a thread like the picture of my shoe (which happened right after getting set up yesterday morning and literally hung on by that thread all day). 

I spent a long time pouring out my heart to God tonight and asking Him to be my strength because I just felt spent. He already knew, and lived it all out with me, but He let me pour it all out anyways because that's part of who He is for me and He is the best listener and problem solver I know. Which is good because I cannot do this on my own. 

I know we have all been there, but I was really feeling pressure today and journaling helped. I still don't have a clue how it can/will all work out, but He does. And I'm going to choose to rest in that.

And there is something reassuring and comforting about knowing He has all my tears accounted for, holds them all in His hands. And that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. And that He makes beauty out of ashes, good out of the bad. And that He chose me to be His and loves me with a crazy big love that I don't understand or always remember. And that I can trust Him...always... because He has my best interests in mind. He never sleeps and knows everything. Wow!  How I need those reminders!

Even when I feel as if I am just barely hanging on, and I'm too tired to think, He is still God and still holding me. I'm going to choose to rest in that!

not perfect

I am not perfect.  I never have been and have never pretended that I am.  I am harder on myself then I am on others...extending them far more grace than I allow myself.  I know I can be my own worst critic and I tend to accept blame for things that I didn't even do.
But the thing I dislike most about myself...that I have allowed people to go off on me or hurt me just so they can feel better about themselves.  Why do I do this?  How can I stop this?
It's not even 11 o'clock yet this morning, and I hadn't even taken my meds or drank my first sip of Cherry Coke, when I had already had one person take all their frustrations out on me over the phone, and yet another person hang up in my ear.  Seriously?
No matter how hard I fight for peace, to live like I am a child of the King, to not be shaken by the stuff that comes my way, I still find myself struggling.  I still get hurt.  I still have random people (and not so random) go off on me. 
In my 37 years, I have been hurt more times than I care to admit.  Some of the super big hurts that you would never wish someone you loved to have to go through, some of the normal every day kind of hurts, some of the hurts that you just can't believe, etc.  But I have also seen God move in some absolutely breathtaking, life-altering ways.  I'm often asked how I can believe in a God that allows bad things to happen to those that are His, or to "good" people...why He allows such horrible things to happen in people's lives by random strangers or close family/friends.  How I can still say that He is real.
For me, its personal experience.  I was raped, but I saw God pull me to Him in a way I cannot explain and begin to teach me that I am His treasured daughter no matter what man does to me with his free will.  I was abandoned, but God showed me that He will never leave me.  I lost a child, but God promised me that He was taking care of my son and gave me two precious daughters later in my life.  (and those three things happened within a short 3 month period of time).  After a second broken engagement, I left everything I knew to go to college in a town where I knew no one and was struggling to build trust and relationship back up with my parents who were hours away...while I was trying to figure out who I was and what I was even doing...I had no real job, I was "dating" God and working solely for Him, and I loved almost every second of that phase of life.  And I watched Him provide for my school bills, right on time, every time...in ways that still blow me away.  I learned what it was like to meet with Him daily and to let Him build me up.  Fast forward a few years and large, life-changing decisions later...I met a man, fell in love with him while he prayed daily with me, and got married.  Two kiddos came quickly after that.  And then a bombshell right before the fifth anniversary...more abandonment...more fear...more what in the world???  And even in that, God met me right where I was...reassured me of His love for me and provision for me.  He provided for all the bills, and the weekly counseling...along with help for the kiddos who were toddler/preschool age.  More counseling, he came back home, and there were a few good months.  But life in general was hard, and to put it very simply, I was screamed at often.  I felt like a constant disappointment and headache to the one person I wanted approval from, and I HAD TO TURN TO GOD for help...and He met me right there, too.  He gave me strength to try everything that was suggested to help; He kept me from giving up; He was my shoulder to cry on and the only one who knew everything that was going on; He truly was my ROCK.  And at the 10 year mark, when that too fell apart...He was truly there...working things out, showing how He had already prepared the way for us to be able to walk it out, protecting us from more than we still even know, arranging for a house to sell and money to be there for the apartment.  He still held me when I cried.  He has all those tears numbered and accounted for.  And even from the very beginning of all those crazy emotions that come with being left again, He has done miracle after miracle to make the way for us to stand.  The anger towards me didn't end...just doesn't happen quite as often.  The damage done has longer reaches effects than I like to admit.  But I am standing.  I am alive.  We are beginning to thrive in the life He carved out for us.  We don't even live in the same city any more, but we have had so many people be God in the flesh for us, people He brought into our lives right when we needed them most.
 I would love to say that we never get hurt anymore, but its not true.  Even after those hurts, there have been so many more.  I've had people turn on me and make up accusations that would level some people and leave them hopeless.  God was there...and He daily reminds me that He knows the truth and He knows better than the false accusations.  I've had another broken engagement when I jumped into a relationship too soon.  God opened my eyes to healing He needed to do in me first.  I had a great friendship/dating relationship with a college friend that resulted in the feeling of abandonment again when he disappeared...and God reminded me yet again that He will never leave me or forsake me and then made the way for me to be able to finish my degree.  We have had to walk a rough road with my youngest as her SPD, OCD, and Anxiety symptoms became more than she or I could handle on our own without help...and God provided the people that helped us get the help we need...and that road is still a rough one.  I have had friends walk away.  Family members mad at me. 
All that to say...I know what its like to HURT!  But I also have seen God move in ways that don't make sense outside of Him doing it.  Needs met, money out of thin air, people met right when you needed them most, a friendship I wouldn't want to have to do life without, healed relationships with my parents that I wouldn't trade for anything, money given to help us build a business, I've even been protected by a falling tree that should have come right through the house (that even the tree expert said was a miracle). I don't believe in coincidence. Not when there has been so much, over so much of my lifetime. One valentines day, I even received my favorite flowers (that I hadn't told anyone was my fave) in a case with a card from Daddy God reassuring me of the plans He has for my life and that I am His. 

So despite the hurts, like this morning when one guy went off on me for a scheduling error and another (completely random stranger) hung up on me, I choose. I choose to wallow in my hurt and lack of perfection and inability to not be affected by the actions of others. OR. I can choose instead to think on all the things God has already done for me, the promises He has given me for the future, and the scriptures He has given me to cling to. 

I'm going to work on doing the second option. Right now. :)

Day of rest, for the most part

Did a sort of trial set up. And then started packing it all up for transport and sorting out bags that still need priced before they can be packed. 

This fixture doesn't have it's stand yet. And I still need to finish shelves for the ladder system. But progress. 

And then started packing. And yes, making a list. That is a lot of stuff to not forget!

Snuck a haircut and a dip in the pool in there too...