Yesterday I learned that I CAN get incredibly embarrassed. To the point of wanting to run. Now, if you have been reading my posts for any length of time at all, you know that God has been working with me on exactly that reflex. But, oh, last night was so hard to bounce back from. However, I refuse to not bounce back. I almost walked away from something that has brought me a lot of joy and fun opportunities...because of embarrassment. So, I did what I know. I got in touch with my accountability partners. I kept my commitments. I forced myself not to sulk/pout/cry. And then when I got home, I journaled it all out to God. And when it came time for Him to talk back to me, you know the first thing He said..."be still. You spent all night being crazy loud to down out your own thoughts. Be still, and be quiet WITH Me." There was more. two pages worth. But rereading it tonight, the part that stood out to me the most was the following: "Let Me build you back up. Tomorrow--spend time in My word. Read. Cry if you need to. Let Me help you forgive. Watch what I do with all of this. Walk it out with Me. Be sold out for Me. You are still My beloved--their words don't change a thing." That is HUGE to me. And reassuring. And CHALLENGING. I don't know entirely what that looks like. But WOW! To have the Creator of the universe willing to talk to me, to build me back up, to challenge me, to walk it with me...honestly, how could a girl ask for more?
I learned a long time ago that God KNOWS me. Every little part about me. And He chooses to continue a relationship with me...without giving up on me. He knows me so well, that He has repeatedly told me that He only shows me the part of the picture I need to know right now...because He is aware that more than that would flip me out. He doesn't want me to be flipped out...because I am sidetracked and frankly stupid when I am living that way. He wants me to be trusting Him, walking with Him, and knowing that He has it all under control. He already knows every detail of the big picture. And He shows me the next step...when I need to take it. He doesn't mind reassuring me as often as I need it. He knows all of my baggage, and exactly how He is going to help me overcome it. He knows every single time that I have been verbally beat up. And He loves me through it all. He rejoices with me. He gives me everything I need in order to do the next thing that He asks of me. He knows ahead of time exactly how each life event will effect me, who I will need around me to successfully make it through each part, how I will react, how long it might take me to bounce back, and He knows the example that I want to be for my daughters.
We live in a world that knows they are missing SOMETHING, and are doing their best to fill that void. As Christians, we know the answer. But being judgmental isn't going to help anyone. Getting in their face won't help. Calling them out on what we think they might be doing wrong isn't going to help. Running away when we are hurt by words or actions doesn't help either. I am beginning to think that the most helpful thing we can do is to live in this world, for God, in a way that is different and set apart...sold out for God purely because we love Him and want lives that honor Him, daily walking beside those people we come in contact with. Accepting them for who they are...which is exactly the same as we are...an individual that God loved so much, years ago, that He died to show the great love He has, and the potential He sees in each of us. He doesn't see us based only on our sins/what we do wrong. He sees our heart, our potential, the incredibly insane unfathomable love that He has for each one of us...every single one of us.
When we look at things that way, how can we stay hurt or upset with one another. He has already forgiven us of each thing we do that brings pain and distance between us and Him. How can we not forgive and move on with those around us.
So, my feelings were hurt, and I was embarrassed (and disappointed that I didn't stand up for myself or my relationship with God last night)...its water under the bridge. It wasn't done out of spite...and was not done to hurt me. It was merely a byproduct of a hurting world that sees things and does things very differently. If Jesus could forgive the very people who nailed Him to the cross, how can we withhold forgiveness?
Back to what He told me last night...He gave me clear directions on what He would like to see me do next: Come to Him to be built back up. Read the Bible (I spent time in Psalm this morning...never ceases to be helpful!!!) Watch for what He is and will be doing around me. Walk WITH Him. Live sold out for Him.
Sounds like a big challenge. And like He has big things in store! Kind of exciting...
