Sometimes in life, people's accusations are more than we know how to possibly handle. Rather than sharing my incredible pain, and continue to rehash it, I just ask that you think of the worse nightmare that YOU can think of. Now, imagine the gamot of emotions and pain that would run through you while you walk it out. And how the fallout might play out. And how people take sides even without meaning to, or trying to. Don't forget to think about how friends and family might react, and how this will effect you, your kids, your ability to handle things, and whether or not you can look forward to anything for the moment.
Okay, well, I know you are just imagining how it MIGHT feel, and it is not truly possible to know your reaction when you aren't actually walking in it...but you can still imagine what this might be like. Nothing fun about it...and nobody wants to walk it. Nobody.
Well, that's where I am. Right in the middle of it. Feels like a black hole that I can't possibly make it through. But I know better! You see, God promises repeatedly in His Bible that there is not a single thing that will ever happen to His children that we won't be able to walk through with His help. There is not a single thing about this that is easy. I didn't know pain could feel like this (and if you know my story at all, you know that I have gone through some crazy pain). I don't have a clue how it will end up. All I know is that right now, in this specific moment, in the midst of the hurtful things being said, assumptions being made, and people scrambling to protect themselves...it doesn't make sense...it doesn't seem do-able...and it feels as if nothing will ever be the same again.
The above verse keeps popping in my head. This battle is not mine to fight. There is an underlying current that has nothing to do with the accusations or the words others have said. There is not a single thing that I can do to make things better...but anything that I say could very well make things worse. So, I am putting on my armor...and I am letting God fight this battle for me. And I am watching Him to see what He is planning to do with all of this...expectant hope The story of Joseph also pops in my head often...like the scripture that says what man meant for harm, God used for good. And Romans 8:28 where He promises that He can make all things good.
All the things that we have talked about in past discussion posts are still true...the things that God has taught me to do in order to successfully walk with Him in the midst of the hards. Find things to be thankful for. Praise Him in the midst of the storm. Wait on Him. Actively do the things I know I am supposed to do... like focus on Him, the girls, and school. I can even skate until I am ready to drop. Take care of those I love. Be there for my friends as I am allowed. And keep hoping and resting in HIM!
It looks bleak right now...but that does not change who God is or what He is actively doing. I may not be able to look forward to any of the big things that are coming up for us in the near future, but that doesn't mean that God won't eventually get me to that point. So...I am just working on TRUSTING and leaving it all in His hands. (and appreciating the prayers of those who love and care for me!)
