(this was the view on the way home from graduation...when the sun finally came out)
I know I promised a blog post about the whole graduation road trip/experience. But while I was overwhelmed by the support I received from my daughters, parents, and best friend, I was underwhelmed by graduation as a whole. It was rainy and grey the whole weekend, and H struggled with separation anxiety because she could see me but not have me, and the 6 hour trip on both ends of 24 hours of jam-packed activity was a struggle. I dealt with some crazy headaches throughout.
The highlight of the trip showed the crazy range of emotions felt. It was finally my row's turn to go up. And I am standing in line waiting for my turn. Excited that its happening, but feeling a bit disconnected from the whole thing. I get right in front of the section my group is sitting in, and the professors are right there at the bottom. Because of the online format of my college, I don't know what my professors look like, or if any of the ones sitting there were mine or not, and they also didn't know me. But at that moment, H decides to reach out for me again, and I reached back. This shared moment touched the professors and they asked if my child was up there, and how old. I answered that she is 10, and they all looked over their shoulders to see her. When they looked back, I was not the only one with tears in my eyes...and as I type this they are there again. I continued on to get my picture taken, walk on stage, shake the college president's hand and receive my diploma cover, and walk down from the stage, and sit again.
But those two little gals of mine...who have had so much less of their mom as I struggled to give my best efforts to all this school work, crammed in such a short amount of time...that's what it is all about. It's not really important to me that I graduated top of my class and was awarded summa cum laude...although I have been told repeatedly that that is an amazing accomplishment...it is, but my girls are so much more important. They are the drive that kept me going.
You see, I don't want to be a statistic, nor do I want them to be. In this last class...social welfare and justice, it has been repeatedly shared the struggles of single mom families, and how the poorness that they face effects every aspect of their children from self-esteem issues, to the ridicule they get from others, to the lack of opportunities, etc. I want more for my girls and I then to just be another single mom family trying to make it. And I want to be able to give back to my community.
I went to school because deep inside me is a HUGE desire to help those who face similar situations. I would love to work with teen mothers, and with those who are wanting to give children a forever home and a chance to reach their potential. But more than that, I want to be able to provide my girls with the nurturing environment that helps them to meet their own potential, and to thrive no matter what this life throws at them.
This week, I have been doing my last homework assignments. With the completion of each one, I am facing a crazy amount of mixed emotions, and it is finally sinking in that I am almost finished. All that stands between me and actually holding my real diploma is one final paper (and six weeks of wait time). And for this class, I have truly fought hard for my grade...so not only will it be a huge accomplishment to finish the degree itself, it will be huge to finish this class with a high grade because it didn't look like it was possible during week 2. I finished up my last four discussion post replies, and found myself battling tears as I realized it was my last chance to spread a little encouragement to these fellow students as they continue on their own journey towards their degrees.
And a bit of overwhelmedness at the fact that this will change up EVERYTHING once again. After this paper is turned in, school is done, homework is finished, and life comes off of hold. It kind of feels like moving out of my parents house all over again...the amount of "freedom" seems ridiculous.
And yet in it all, there is peace and hopeful expectation to see what God is going to do next, what step He will ask me to take next, what He wants to do with this next leg of the journey.
So, right now, I am excited and tearful all at the same time...and I say "Take my life, Lord, all of it, and use it for Your plans and Your glory!" And my heart was just reminded that He delights in me and is loving writing my life story, and that I am loved. (and now the tears flow yet again! God is GOOD!)
