I haven't written in here for months. Life was super busy...meeting myself coming and going. But life ebbs and flows. We climb mountains and then slide down the other side before climbing the next one. There is give and take. Joys and sorrows. All of that good stuff.
And in it all are mistakes to be made, lessons to learn, boundaries to form and struggle to maintain, friendships that struggle and thrive.
Today, everything just feels different. Empty in a way. Slightly overwhelming. Different and quiet.
Yesterday I stood up for myself for the first time in so long I can't even remember when it happened before. But in the process I hurt the feelings of a person that has been one of my closest friends. As a human, and a female, I didn't do everything right. And although I had tried to start this particular conversation many times, it was interrupted or postponed or not understood. And we had gotten to where things weren't in the best interests of the people involved any more...misunderstandings abounded, emotions were out of whack, confusion was very there.
I hate that I cannot seem to communicate in a way that the other person truly understands what I am trying to say. I hate that I hurt feelings. I hate that I don't really feel a resolution was found. And that everything is different.
As I have said before...I am human. On top of that I can sometimes be an emotional female. My feelings get hurt and most of the time I don't even let anyone know. I have spent years just handing everything to God, without any communication happening between me and the other human involved. I don't do everything right. I mess up. But boy do I try. I want so hard to live a life that pleases Daddy God...that He can be proud of me.
Sometimes I wish I had all the answers. I wish that I knew better how to protect the hearts entrusted to me...namely mine and the girls'. I wish I was confident that I am doing enough, but not too much. That I could freely love on all those around me without letting my emotions get the best of me. That I knew how to make and keep good solid boundaries (and yes, I have taken the boundaries class and have the book).
I know how to depend on God. I know that He alone has all the answers and that the closer I get to Him, the easier it will be to live a life that is confident and bold, knowing who I am in Him.
But I still have hangups. I discover regularly that I still have triggers I need to move past. I stumble. I find myself longing for things I don't have rather than counting my blessings and being thankful for what I have. I am real.
I apologized last night. It was never my intention to hurt. But it was time for the things discussed to be discussed. And I am so proud of the way it was handled by the other party...it was encouraging to see it done in a godly way. To know the importance of figuring things out so that life could go on and a new chapter could be started.
Do I miss the way it was before yesterday? Parts of it, after all we are talking one of my best friends here. But the way we are moving forward should be healthier for all involved, and encourage growth. I know my place now, and there is a lot of freedom in that. And I have been reminded by Daddy constantly in the last 24 hours that He is asking me one thing... "wait and see what I do with this". because He is at work in all things...He can make beauty out of all things. He alone knows it all, sees it all, and is in control of it all.
