Today, we were enjoying the backyard, the cooler weather, and a bonfire. It's been an roller coaster of emotions as we seek balance again, and life has been tough. In fact, while I was bawling my eyes out during worship today, it reminded me a lot of the crazy emotional overload right after the divorce. At that point in time, I couldn't make it through a single song without bawling and had friends that would just put their arm around me and let me cry as the words of the songs, and the depth of Christ's love for me, would wash over my brokenness. I realized today that I am pretty much that raw and broken again and it truly shook me up.
But brokenness isn't a bad thing...and God helped me see that this afternoon. It doesn't feel good, but in the midst of it, He has my full attention. He can very easily grow me and build me into what He wants me to be because I am seeking Him more fully. He has this amazing opportunity to shine through my brokenness in a way that others can see, and the glory goes to Him alone. Not only that, but I am also listening more closely to what He is saying to me as I beg Him to heal the brokenness once again and make me a vessel He can truly use.
I was looking at the sky when I was journaling, and from the viewpoint I could see from my chair, it looked like a storm was coming through. All grey, overcast, with clouds that take up the whole sky but aren't pretty or fluffy. But then I saw that not far from me was sunshine. So I got out of my chair to be able to see what had been over my shoulder the whole time. And on that side, the viewpoint was completely different. By turning around, I could see some amazing bright white clouds that looked regal and majestic. The sun was shining bright and the sky was a gorgeous blue. God spoke to me right there... "daughter of Mine, there are always two ways to look at things. You can choose to focus on the hards/bad/storms, or you can turn yourself around and look at the beauty/happies/blessings/Son. It's a choice, much like the way I react. And it greatly effects my reactions.
When I choose to look at the blessings of life, and what He is doing in and around me, my focus changes and it shifts my entire outlook and emotions. It puts me back to focusing on Him and being expectantly hopeful. I'm not saying its easy by any means, but its possible. And the more I look to Him, depend on Him, seek Him, listen for His voice, the less I am effected by the ups and downs of life...the more I am reassured that He's got this and is working...the more I trust Him with the hard things.
I think this blog has become a place to remind myself of what I am learning...what He is doing...and how I can just focus on being His daughter and letting Him take care of it all. He has a plan...for each of us...and a purpose that He created us for...a ministry that makes our heart sing and shows Him to the world. And as we seek Him, He reveals that to us and uses us in ways we could have never thought possible. True hope!
