At church, we often talk about being transparent. Sharing our own hardships and struggles allowing others to come alongside us, and us to come alongside others with a heartfelt "I know what you are going through...been there".
I'm not good at transparent. I'd rather talk about what's going good in life than to admit how hard we are struggling and just barely scraping by, while working the hardest I can ever remember.
For the sake of transparency: I'm a single mom who just made it through one of the toughest summers we have ever faced. I have one daughter with anxiety disorder, sensory processing disorder, and OCD that sometimes pushes me so far that it truly feels like I will explode. I have another daughter who is a young teen so much like myself at that age...just trying to keep the peace and please those around her to the point that eventually she might feel she lost herself in the process (I've been there/done that). My heart regularly breaks for both of them and I often feel like I am failing them.
I work a job that God literally gave me and asked of me during this season, that I most of the time absolutely love, and that allows me to get my girls to their therapies and groups and school activities. But this job daily tests my trust in God and dependence on Him: no regular paychecks, and I've never worked harder. I never know if there will be money to pay the bills (although child support does help and I am super grateful for direct deposit, faithful child support).
My life isn't easy. I've never been stretched thinner and harder than 2014. I've never wished more that I could take my kiddos' struggles as my own and let them have an easier go of it and the freedom to just be kids than this year. I've never felt so useless.
BUT...my story doesn't end there. God's not done with me yet. It won't always be as hard as it has been this year. Every time she goes to therapy, banana is learning new techniques to assist her in living despite her challenges. Every time Toad goes to her Tuesday night support group, she learns and grows and blossoms. Every time we walk in the doors of church, we are reminded that we are not alone in this world. Every time I open my bible and read the truths and promises there, I am filled with hope and peace. Every time we pray, together or alone, we are reminded of the things He is doing behind the scenes for us and what He has done before.
Life is hard, but it's not hopeless. Bills come faithfully, whether there is money to pay them or not, but God is even more faithful than the bills. And there is always, always, always something to be thankful for...even if it's just remembering that He is bigger and in control and never changes!
