There seems to be a reoccurring topic at our house lately, and it's not been brought up by me. Dating.
Maybe it's because we have been watching Friends reruns on Netflix.
Maybe it's because Valentine's Day is coming up soon.
Maybe it's because they see one parent constantly dating and the other is not.
Maybe it's because it's been almost four years since I have gone on a date.
Maybe it's because they think they are ready, or they just want someone to love their mom like they do.
Maybe it's a combination of all that, and more.
Anyways, my daughters have been talking about dating a lot lately. Not for themselves, it's always with me in mind. Which sometimes is funny...oh the things that kiddos say...but sometimes makes things hard, and makes me think too much.
In a way, I feel bad, because I'm not showing them an example of what a godly relationship looks like...
But in another way, I'm thankful that there isn't a parade of guys going in and out of their lives.
I'm not a casual dater. I never have been. I can count on four fingers the amount of guys I have ever gone on a date with.
I was raised so different than what our culture deems allowable or appropriate today.
I was raised, and still believe, that the man does the initiating and the asking, and that God created man to be the lead...both in godly dating and in marriage.
And that God is the one doing the ultimate leading and arranging as He writes out my love story and intertwines it with the love story He is writing in the man's life. And I believe that He knows exactly who I would be a good helpmeet to. And when He deems both of us ready for whatever He has for us, He will nudge His man's heart and point him in my direction.
Let me guess? That sounds incredibly old fashion to you and you can't imagine sitting around waiting for someone to come to you? That feels like all the control is left in the hands of someone/something you aren't 100% sure is going to come through for you in this case, unless you help out in some way? or maybe you think I'm doing my girls a disservice by not putting myself out there more and taking a more proactive approach?
Well, let's see. I don't have the best track record at picking a guy on my own. Short summary of my dating experience when I was "in charge". Thought I was in love the first time and got to experience being sexually abused, pregnant, miscarried, and dumped a month before the wedding at the young age of 19. Then dated/engaged to a friend who should have only ever been a good friend. Super fast romance/engagement and then 10 year marriage, that ended up in divorce (and the two biggest blessings in my life). Reunion with the good friend that should have remained good friend but instead was a whirlwind dating/engagement/breakup. And round that off with a get-to-know-you-again, three month dating relationship that was sweet and fun but ended with never hearing from the person again and wondering if he was even still alive for over a year.
That's what happens when I'm the one, even with the best of intentions and a lot of prayer, sort of calling the shots.
God and I have talked about this a lot the last four years (and more).
The last dating experience, which was also the most actual dates (not just hanging out at each others' family events/house), left me with nothing personally to regret...but shook the three of us girls up and left us questioning what we possibly could have done wrong that we didn't even get a goodbye.
There was some good growth that came out of it, don't get me wrong. I went back to school and finished my degree, and we purposefully put life aside to do that. All three of us making sacrifices. And we learned how to be just the three of us and enjoy being the three musketeers, making great memories together. But a lot of my growth happened while hiding behind a close guy friend of mine, which wasn't necessarily healthy, but it's what I did.
And I've grown in my relationship with my Heavenly Father in a way I didn't even know I could.
Having Him pick out someone for me, and guide that person my direction, and my girls getting to see what it's like to just live for God and not be obsessed with all the little details...that's what I'm looking forward to.
That doesn't mean that I don't have hard days, wondering if I will ever get to experience a godly love, or show my girls a godly marriage. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when they tease (I'm sure they are doing it out of love) and/or whisper among themselves. It doesn't mean I don't have days where I struggle with how bad I miss being a wife. It doesn't mean it's not hard for me to be the only sibling (out of six) that's not married. Nor is it ever easy to hear all the questions of "so, are you dating yet? Any prospects?" And it doesn't mean that I don't sometimes have my own questions for God and about His timing.
BUT! Even on the hardest days, weeks, months, years...deep down there is this underlying peace that He's got it, and that it will be worth the wait.
And there's just something about knowing that someday, a man is going to be talking with God about me...that God's going to tell him, "this is the woman I have for you"...something about that just makes you smile and renews that spark of hope one more time.
And that's the reminder I need when the girls talk/tease/plot about dating. Or when someone asks why I don't take a more active pursuing role in my life. Or when my family asks if there are any prospects.
Just like all the other details and unknowns of my life, none of it is unknown to God. He's got this! And I get a front row seat!
