Everything seems just a bit bigger when carrying it all by yourself (and yes, I realize I am not truly carrying it by myself, b/c God is carrying it for me)... financial decisions weigh heavy! I worry that I am going to wear my friends out, but it helps to be able to talk about things out loud...and the girls get a little worried if I walk around the house talking.
When I don't know what I am doing, and there are more than one "big" decision weighing on my mind at a time, I get more emotional then I care to admit, and my fuse gets shorter than I prefer. I snap when I should be hugging, and ignore when I should be soaking in a precious story or attempt to get my attention. Or, on days like today, it takes me more hours then ever before to write one stinking discussion post...in quadruple the time it normally takes me to write up two posts and four replies. Which only results in me getting even more flustered. And when I am flustered, I can't get words out right (a side-effect from a mini-stroke over 11 years ago), which gets me more flustered until I just make myself stop trying to talk until I calm down.
Comments from the girls, like "I wish we had our own house (meaning not renting) so we could do...(fill in the blank)" or "why can't we do this...", etc, just add to the pressure I seem to be way to good at putting on my own shoulders.
And the thing is, I literally know better. I know that I know that I know that I am not walking this alone, and that God is more than willing to carry my burdens for me. I know that He has promised to look after the widowed and the orphaned (I like to insert "the abandoned" in with that grouping). I know that He has crazy big plans in store for my life and that He is working like crazy to redeem my story and bring me healing. He has even told me what my focus is supposed to be while in school: Him, the girls, and school...in that order. And three things I am supposed to WAIT on until after graduation: trying to buy a house, getting a smaller, better gas mileage vehicle, and Him showing me what man He has for our future. Those specifics are great, and helpful most of the time.
But there are a lot of other things, especially lately, that have me wondering if I am doing the right thing or not. That sometimes feel overwhelming as I try to figure out what is okay, and what could put the girls and I in a risky place. For example...my computer...which I often spend 7 some hours at in a given day...has been super reliable until the last month or so, and which is important for being able to do school. Froze up on me once today while taking a break from school work, and editing pictures from T's graduation, and stayed frozen longer then it has before. I even called my dad, and pretty much as soon as he got on the phone, it decided it was going to work again. Another example, the renewed interest in photography that has me surpassing the abilities of the current camera (never thought I would say that one!), leaving me wanting a dslr so that I don't get so frustrated when they don't turn out the way I expected them to, and so I can get pictures that I am actually proud of. But of course, that is another HUGE expenditure...anything electronic seems to be way out of my price range.
It's in cases like these that it seems glaringly obvious that I am single, and that these decisions fall on my shoulders to make. Times like these where I find myself wishing someone else would make the decision with me, and maybe even tell me what to do...besides my parents. (Love my parents, and their advice is normally 100% sound and good, but at 35 it feels a little odd). But that isn't my life right now. And I don't want to live life moaning and groaning about what I don't have. I do wish that I were better at leaving things in God's hands, after putting them there...that I had this one down pat already...it seems like I should be an expert at it by now. But I don't. Like I said the other day, I want to live with my hands wide open to whatever He has for me, clinging to nothing. But I am still learning to put that into practice in my life.
A friend of mine reminded me last night that everything seems more overwhelming to me when I haven't sewn for awhile. She is right. God created me to enjoy crafting, and speaks to my heart while I am creating something new. Between that and my quiet times, He builds me back up each day. And I haven't sewn since before this last injury...which means more than three weeks...which is an awful long time for me to go.
So...all of that to say this...when life seems overwhelming, pressure seems immense, and you don't know for sure what you are doing, or what path you should be on...that is the perfect time to look up, spend a little extra time with God, and just keep giving it all over to Him. He knows exactly what He is doing, what the timetable should be, and how to work out all the details. Time to step back, and let Him take over the pen...writing your story, filling in the details as He knows is best.
(and yes...preaching to myself here, too!)
