You see, its so much easier to just not expect anything of anybody...because then you don't make assumptions that prove to be false or unfounded, and its not as easy to be let down if someone doesn't act the way you expected.
But with hope, there is somewhat expectations.
I guess (if you can muddle through the concussion-caused struggle to come up with what I am trying to say) I am trying to say that I have expectant hope right now. There are some big things coming up that the girls and I have been putting a lot of time and effort into accomplishing.
I started college fresh out of high school...fall of '95. I fully expected to spend four years in college, graduate, and teach. That was the dream/plan since beginning to babysit in seventh grade for my favorite reading teacher's daughter...if not before.
But life has always been a bit funny...things don't quite take the quick route that I believe it will. The process always tends to be longer and harder then imagined. I transferred colleges three times, and stuck with it for five years. Settled for an associate's degree after getting married. Threw myself into the joys of being a mom and wife. Even in that, I couldn't quite "get it right". That part lasted just shy of ten years, with me finding myself celebrating Christmas with my girls on what should have been my tenth wedding anniversary, then kissing them goodnight so they could climb into their dad's car to spend Christmas with him. Fastforward a bit, and I found myself divorced, moved three hours from what used to be normal, and free to go back to college.
Reading a textbook every five weeks, filled with papers, quizzes, two weekly discussion posts with four weekly replies, final papers every fifth week, and new teacher expectations the next Tuesday when another class started.... all of which made the year and five months fly by. There was only one week off for Christmas break in the middle of all of that. The successful completion of each class was celebrated by the girls and I, and it never once ceased to amaze me that I got another A. The GPA and honors resulting from that 4.0 still amaze me...I keep having to look to remind myself that its not a dream...its reality.
I am in my final week of my second to last class. 17 days away from walking down the aisle, surrounded by hundreds of people I have never met (among which will be seated 5 people that are very special to me), with three high honors signified by things draped around my neck, getting the Bachelor's degree that seemed so elusive before. I was going after the wrong degree before, and a degree in Psychology is what finally got me finished.
And what is the point of all this. Finally finishing what was started so many years ago. Showing my daughters that you can bounce back from anything, and with perseverance and determination can reach whatever goal you set for yourself. Having something to be proud of myself for. And hopefully, that God can use in amazing ways.
I don't know what He is going to do with my future or my degree. But oh the many times that He has reassuringly promised me that He knows exactly what He wants to use it for, and how He wants to use me. So, finally, this little gal is filled with expectations...that God is going to do something big and wonderful with my life, and that all the work and the wait will have been more than worth it.
Expectant hope!
