It's one of those days. The kind where all you can do is cry off and on all day. And you just want to be held.
The only thing is...I've never been held while I cried the way I long to be. I cannot remember a boyfriend holding me while I bawled...loaning me his strength in my broken. It didn't happen in my marriage...
So it actually just frustrates me more that that is what I wish I had...since I don't really have a memory of it happening before, so why want it?
But its one of those days where, as a female, I almost wish I was a male that could remain detached from life enough to not have random days where everything made me cry. And just admitting that by typing it makes me want to cry again.
I am not good at this. It's not easy to see myself cry at the drop of a hat. I'm not use to having the freedom to be emotional. And I still try to hide as much of it from the girls as I can. So today's shower was super long as I bawled and asked God to please, please, please hold me and not let me turn into a puddle. I really don't like tears...my tears.
Part of me, still feels super weak every time I cry. And after almost five years of not being made to feel that way, I would think I would be over that. But it has taken years of people working with me to realize that I am NOT a complete failure just because I cry. But I still often just don't know what to do with the emotion.
One of my favorite verses is the one that talks about God knowing every tear we've cried, holding them in His hands. It's a good thing He has big hands!
And another thing that helps, is knowing that these days are few and far between. Although I can remember a season last fall, where I was super heartbroken and weepy...and I so don't want to go there again.
It is hard to be where I am at. I'm not going to lie. To be single in your upper 30's, with two precious people depending on you in huge ways, and so much of your own world is unknown. Not a lot of fun. And no matter how hard you fight for peace, and friendships, and no drama...it's pretty much a constant fight. And tired is a constant feeling. Lonely can be there too (but lonely single, is way better than lonely married).
These are the moments where everything I have worked so hard to learn, with God's help and the help of some super special people He put in my life, are tested. Will I choose to praise Him and be thankful even when my heart is broken and all I can do is cry? Will I choose to bank on His promises even though I cannot see how things can work? Will I choose to trust even when it seems like the fulfillment of the things He's given me to cling to seems slow in coming? Will I believe that He loves me enough to see me through all the feelings of being unlovable? Will I count on His strength when all I feel like is a weak, crying, woman who is becoming a puddle on the floor?
I literally bawled in the shower and begged Him to hold me and carry me and not let me be a puddle. I'm serious. Can't say that I have ever prayed to not be a puddle before, but I sure did this morning.
And I know what I need to do to make it through this. I need to dwell on the happys. I need to choose thankfulness...despite brokenness. I need to cling to His promises, soak up His word, and make sure I abide in Him and talk with Him...every day, as often as possible, because He alone builds me back up.
Daddy God,
Thank You for never giving up on me. Thank You for knowing everything, seeing everything, and having a plan in place. Thank You for making something beautiful out of the mess that so often is me. Thank You for holding me even when I cannot feel it. Thank You for loving me and my daughters with a crazy love that I will never be able to fully understand. Thank You for sharing Your strength with me. Thank You for reminding me that You will never leave me nor forsake me, that You are always there and always enough. Thank You for Your word full of promises. Thank You for the sacrifices that You made for me. Thank You for providing for us. Thank You for always holding my hand and showing me where to set my feet. Thank You for holding every tear I have ever cried and hurting with me, knowing my pain, and never belittling the way I feel, but always reminding me that You have already redeemed it all. Thank You!
